Chapter 43
43
LEAVING ON A JET PLANE
I don’t think I will ever find it easy to say goodbye to either of the boys as they head back to England. But it’s particularly hard to say goodbye to Adam today. It feels as if we’ve been on this huge mother–son journey these past couple of weeks. We’ve become even closer. I’ve become even more protective. I’ve seen him in a whole new light and, my God, he shines brightly.
It’s nice though that Saul will be waiting for him – and has absolutely vowed to be less of a disaster zone this term. It’s true that life is often more chaotic with Saul in it, but it can also be much more fun. Adam needs a little fun now. Even though I’m proud of how he is shouldering his responsibility, I do want him to remember that he’s only nineteen and there is a whole lot of living still to be done out there and so much fun to be had.
Adam and Jodie are in the back seat of my car, holding hands. They look suitably loved up in the unselfconscious way that the young can get away with. Niamh is in the front with me and I know she is checking them out in the rearview mirror almost as much as I am. The plan is to drop Adam at the airport, then Niamh and I will bring Jodie to her university accommodation in Belfast. I know Niamh is on her nerves about letting her pregnant daughter out of her sight. This will not be easy for her.
I’m going to be there for Niamh more, I vow. God knows she has been there for me more times than I care to mention over the years. With her larger-than-life personality it has been easy to miss the times when she is struggling a little, and while she is getting help now, this is not a quick fix. She has a lot of big questions to ask herself – not least about her career. She has admitted that’s probably been at the core of her struggles – that no longer loving the career she had been so focused on had made her feel untethered and lost. With the onset of menopause, she had simply spiralled, worrying so much about what she could lose that she could not enjoy what she has.
That she has even admitted that, and spoken to Paul and her kids about it, is a huge step. But there are so many more steps to go – the first of which will be leaving Jodie in her halls of residence and driving back to Derry without her.
‘It’s only an hour and a bit in the car these days,’ Jodie reassures her from the back seat. ‘If I need you, Mum, or if you need me, it’ll only take an hour. Sure, that’s nothing. Or we can meet halfway. Get a cheeky KFC at the Castledawson roundabout.’
‘I’d love a KFC ,’ Adam says. ‘Mum, can we stop on the way up and get a KFC ?’
‘Tower burger!’ Jodie says in a deep voice.
‘Chicken gravy,’ Adam growls, and they laugh.
I glance to Niamh.
‘I could go a chicken fillet burger,’ she says. ‘And fries.’
‘And chicken popcorn,’ I add.
‘Yes! And the gravy!’ Niamh says.
‘Chicken gravy!’ Adam growls again in the same low voice, and he and Jodie laugh again. Presumably this is some sort of joke between them, but I laugh too even though I don’t get it – simply because it is just so lovely to hear them laugh together.
An hour and a half later, stomachs full, we arrive at the airport and I help get Adam’s bags out of the boot. This is the bit I really hate. The big hug and the watching him walk away. It reminds me that such a big stage of our relationship is over now. That he is an adult living his life and I’m now an anchor point, instead of the whole ocean. Which, of course, is how it should be. But it still has the ability to make my heart ache.
Today I’m not even the last person to hug him before he goes. That is, of course, Jodie. I have told him I love him, and while I might be a little more than ‘just an hour’ away, I am always, always on hand if he needs me and he only has to say the words.
‘Stop fussing, Mum,’ he said as I hugged him more tightly than usual. ‘I’m okay. It’s all good. And Saul will keep me right. Thanks for everything. You’ve been brilliant.’
I squeaked a barely audible response, desperately wanting to hold on to him tighter for just a little more but knowing that he needed the time to say goodbye to Jodie more.
Niamh and I are now standing watching them hug. We don’t speak. We simply link arms. We don’t need to say anything. We both know what the other is thinking and feeling. It’s a whole set of emotions we need to keep a lid on for now, and until Jodie is dropped off too. Then we can cry/sing the whole way back down the road. I’ve even put together a playlist for the occasion. We’ll start with ‘I Can Do It With a Broken Heart’ from Taylor Swift, segue into some Florence and the Machine, Gwen Stefani, Spice Girls and many more until we circle back to Tay-Tay and ‘Shake It Off’. If that doesn’t sort us out, nothing will.
Jodie is remarkably stoic when she turns to walk back to us. Adam gives one last wave – an equally stoic expression on his face – and walks through the doors into the airport. For once I am at a complete loss for words, so I just get into the car and allow Niamh the chance to hug her little girl before they join me.
I’m grateful for the minute of solitude where I can tell myself in my sternest voice that I will not cry. That I can go and visit Adam and Saul at a moment’s notice. That he will be back in a few months and he’ll be close to home then and it won’t be long until there is a mini version of him to occupy my time.
The car doors open and both Niamh and Jodie climb in. I feel Jodie’s hand on my shoulder, giving me a little squeeze. ‘He said to say he loves you, and he’ll make sure Saul doesn’t wreck the place,’ she says, and I nod because my determination to stay dry eyed is being sorely tested.
‘He’s brilliant,’ she says – all twenty-years-old of her. ‘I love him, Becca. I think you should know that.’
‘He loves you too,’ I say, losing the battle.
‘And I love you all,’ Niamh says. ‘Let’s face it, we’re all pretty damn amazing.’