Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
We slept very little that night, having moved to the bedroom, warming ourselves under the blankets and against each other’s skin. Every time I felt close to drifting off, we started to kiss again, sleepily, and then before long, he was on top of me, underneath me, to the side of me. It was as if we needed to make up for every argument we’d ever had in that one night, and by the morning, my body had a pleasant soreness that would keep me thinking of this all day.
As the sun came up, I lay on his chest, turning his dark hair between my fingers. His hand stroked down the side of my waist. I don’t know if it was tiredness or the light of day creeping in, but I suddenly realised how strange this felt. Amazing but strange. I started to laugh.
‘What?’ he asked, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
‘After all this time, I never imagined I’d be lying in bed with you without any clothes on.’
‘Really? I thought about it loads. Maybe I should be offended.’
‘You didn’t,’ I said, propping myself up to look at him.
‘Of course I did. You might have been a pain in the arse, but you’re a beautiful pain in the arse.’
I dug him in the ribs. ‘I had no idea. And if you really do feel offended, you should know I thought you were handsome too. I just never thought we’d be able to bear being in the same room long enough to get naked.’
He laughed. ‘All it took was being trapped together in a snowdrift. You’ve been forced to put up with me.’
I pressed my lips to his chest and lay on it again. ‘I can’t be forced to do anything – you know that.’
‘So it’s real? All this.’
I said nothing for a moment, running my hands through his light smattering of chest hair. ‘I think so.’ His arm gripped me a little tighter.
I lay with my eyes closed for some time, enjoying the feeling of him stroking my back.
‘Are you asleep?’ he asked.
‘No. I can’t. Too many thoughts.’
‘Me too,’ he said.
‘Tell me,’ I murmured.
‘I keep thinking about the shop. How I’m not going to be able to concentrate. With you there.’
‘Even more distracted than with a music volume battle?’
‘Even more than that. Watching you going about your day, thinking about how I’d like to unbutton your top isn’t going to help my sales figures.’
I smiled against his chest. ‘I’m sure you’ll manage. I’ll try and stick to wearing nun-like garb to keep your mind focused on work.’
‘Mm, that might just make me even more interested in what’s underneath.’
‘Anyway, you’ll be too busy to notice me. You’ve been selling loads lately.’
He shifted a little and made a doubtful ‘hmm’ sound. ‘I’m doing better than I was. Especially thanks to a certain novelty music range.’
‘You’re welcome,’ I said.
‘Much obliged. But, to be honest, things are still tight. That’s why I was open to the shop-share, to keep the rent down, not because I had too much space. It wasn’t as affordable as I’d hoped.’
‘Well that makes more sense now… It explains why you had to tolerate me.’ I paused. ‘Why did you pick me in the first place? To share the shop.’
‘Oh, I just flipped a coin. Anyone to cut my rent in half.’
I gasped, and he burst into laughter. ‘I’m joking.’ Then he went quiet, twirling a lock of my hair around his finger. ‘There was something about you. I’d noticed you in the bar – you’re hard not to notice. Then when I saw the spark in you when we talked to Mike… I liked it.’
A warm feeling flooded through me, but my urge to make a quip won out, as ever. ‘I bet that didn’t last for long. Did you wonder if you’d bitten off more than you could chew?’
He smiled. ‘Yeah. But I’m glad I stuck it out.’
‘Me too.’ I held him tighter. ‘So, how did you end up opening a pop-up shop in the first place?’
He took a deep, hesitant breath. ‘When I left uni, my parents were bankrolling me. I had an allowance. I’m cringing even telling you this, since I know you think I’m a spoiled little rich boy. But when I moved in with the lads and told them I wasn’t coming back, my parents cut me off.’
I’ll admit, I found the fact that he’d been financially supported unsurprising. And even though it didn’t sit well with me, I could imagine how it must have hurt, knowing his parents disapproved of his choices so much.
‘So now, the savings I had have run out, and I’m relying 100 per cent on Uncle Al’s. Well, that and the odd fifty quid I get from gigs every now and then. I’m embarrassed to say I’m unqualified to do anything else, and even more mortified that when I was younger, I took my family’s money for granted. I always had this notion that one day I’d be independent, but my degree hasn’t helped much.’
‘Right,’ I murmured. ‘So, what’s your degree in?’
‘Music. Naturally. I’d hoped to go into teaching, but it never worked out.’ He sighed. ‘So I’m not going to be able to find a side hustle as a hedge-fund manager or a brain surgeon.’
‘What will happen if you do run out of money?’
‘I don’t know. Worst case scenario I would actually have to come back to Ashcliffe. Which is exactly what my parents want.’
We said nothing for a while, and a question needled at my brain.
‘Can I ask…?’ I said tentatively. ‘Why did you want to leave home so badly? I mean, I think it’s great that you did, but what happened?’
His fingers stroked my back more rapidly, as if he was building up momentum to reply.
‘When I said that my parents cut me off, it makes it sound like I was being punished. Which I suppose I was, but really I didn’t want their money anymore. I… I wanted to be independent on my own terms, rather than them calling the shots. To my parents, money solves everything; if they kept throwing it at me, then I was still theirs.’
‘And you don’t want to be?’
He shook his head. ‘I love my parents. And I know they love me too. But being brought up by a nanny and then a school houseparent doesn’t exactly make you close with your mum and dad. And even in the holidays, they were often away with friends – skiing and so on.’
He paused, seemingly lost in his thoughts.
‘Christmas was the worst. One time, when I was about ten, I asked for this robot dog toy. I’d been desperate for it for ages. Then a parcel appeared under the tree, and every time Dad walked past, he’d give me a little wink – I was sure they’d got it for me, and I was so excited to open it in front of them. When I woke up on Christmas morning, they were gone. Hadn’t even told me they’d planned to go to St Barts for the holidays. I sat with the nanny and opened the parcel – I’d got the robot dog but not what I really wanted. They could give me all the ponies and fencing tutors in the world, but they could never give me themselves.’
I squeezed him tight, my chest aching with pain for him. He let me hold him while his breathing slowed. Then he coughed and squeezed me back. ‘Anyway, enough about me. I’m glad Everything Must Go’s doing well for you.’
‘Thanks.’ I hesitated. His honesty made me open up in return. ‘I’m helping my parents out while trying to get out of my own flatshare. My flatmate is, how can I put it…? Socially incompetent. He lives in his room with the curtains shut – it’s like a hotbox of farts and Chinese takeaway in there – and he only comes out to add some more dirty plates to the pile in the sink.’
‘He sounds lovely. But what’s going on with your parents?’
‘They… they’ve had a hard time lately. And if things don’t improve, they won’t be able to manage the mortgage, might even have to sell the house. Which would be up to them I suppose, but they love that house, and it’s where I grew up. I can’t bear the thought of it.’
‘I can imagine. So you’re trying to keep both your head and theirs above water. Annie, I had no idea.’
I bit my lip hard. ‘Mmhm,’ I managed. ‘It’s just… such a shitty time for this all to be happening. We’ve never been flush for cash, and Christmases have been up and down for us too. But they always tried their best. One year, when I was about ten too, they hadn’t been able to afford much more than a few small gifts so they made it into a treasure hunt to find them – they just wanted me to have an amazing day. I feel bad saying it – at least they gave me their time – but I always felt guilty about them spending money they didn’t have, and it took the shine off the day. I guess what I’m saying is, I know how you feel. It might be for different reasons, but I get it.’
He kissed the top of my head, and we stayed there for a while, his lips against my hair, my hand draped against his neck. He swallowed thickly a few times, and I sensed we’d unlocked some buried emotions. Eventually, he shifted under my weight.
‘We need to get up soon,’ he said. ‘Or at least I will – I’m going to have a wander out to try and call home. If I can get up a bit higher, I might get a better signal.’
‘Good idea.’
He rolled onto his side and pulled me towards him. ‘For now, I’ve got an even better idea.’ Then he kissed me and, with his musically trained fingers, demonstrated just how skilled he could be.
I was cooking an omelette at the stove wearing just pants and a shirt when he came back in, kicking the snow off his boots. He kissed my neck, his cold lips making me shiver in more ways than one.
‘I got hold of Sophia,’ he said. ‘I finally got the phone to work out in the top field and tried everyone, but nobody answered except for her. She’s going to send help.’
My heart sank a bit at the mention of Sophia, in light of how we’d spent the night, but I shook it off. Then I picked up a bit of omelette with a fork and fed some to Penn.
‘You weren’t joking when you said you were a mean omelette maker. That’s delicious.’
We sat together and picked at our breakfast, chatting and, in my head, making the most of this time on our own. I thought of a rescuer on their way from Ashcliffe Hall and almost wished they weren’t coming. Going back there would be like going back to reality, but with the snowy terrain, I imagined it might be a while yet.
After we’d eaten, we sat on the sofa together. He pulled me onto his lap, my shirt hanging loosely over my backside, bare legs straddling him. I bent my head, kissing him over and over again even though my lips felt bruised from overuse. We paused, and he held my face in his hands, looking deep into my eyes, stroking my hair back from my face. He looked at me like he was taking a long drink from an oasis in the middle of the desert, as if he’d walked for miles before finding what he needed. He was drinking me in.
Suddenly, there was a loud rap on the bi-fold door. We both jumped and turned to see Sophia and Gus standing outside the huge pane of glass, looking in at us with undisguised discomfort.
I dismounted Penn, and he went to unlock the door. I hovered awkwardly in my state of partial dress as they sidled in, looking anywhere but at my bare legs.
‘Thank goodness you had your accident so near to the lodge,’ said Sophia bracingly. Her privileged upbringing had clearly given her the ability to navigate a delicate situation. ‘You’d have frozen to death otherwise.’
Gus stood with his arms crossed, glaring at the floor, making no effort to cover the duress he was under in our rescue. Penn wouldn’t look at him either.
‘Yes, it was very lucky.’ Penn gave me a secret smile. ‘Thanks for coming. Listen, just give us a minute and we’ll tidy up and meet you outside. What did you come in?’
‘Tractor,’ said Gus and walked out into the snow.
‘See you outside, guys,’ said Sophia, following, giving me a last flickering glance.
Penn and I hurried around, pulling on any discarded clothes and tidying away any mess we’d left. When we went outside, Gus had already hauled the car out of the snow bank and was detaching the chain.
‘Thanks,’ said Penn as we made to climb in. ‘We’ll see you back at the house.’
Without giving a reply, Gus hoisted himself back into the cab of the tractor, looking expectantly at Sophia.
‘No problem,’ she said and gave us a curious look before climbing in herself. For a second, she let the mask slip, and a sad expression seeped through. I felt a pang of guilt – she’d walked in on a scene that had truly rubbed her face in it when it came to Penn.
We got in the car and followed the tractor until there was space to overtake, leaving our little cocoon behind.
After a brief dressing-down from Hugh regarding Penn’s lack of care when driving, Penn and I went off to our separate rooms. Penn had very kindly chosen not to out me as the actual driver, so I was merely a bystander to the telling-off. Neither of us had the energy to ask what the Uncle Eustace clue had actually been referring to, and I doubted we would ever know.
It was time to go. The shop needed to open the next day, a more exciting prospect now that Penn and I could be together all day and do the exact opposite of pissing each other off. I slung my belongings into my bag with abandon and made my way downstairs to say my thank yous and goodbyes. Penn was going to drive me home, or rather to my mam and dad’s since I needed to drop Kelly’s clothes back.
I left my bag near the front door and walked through the ground floor of Ashcliffe Hall, looking for Penn’s parents. I heard voices from the sitting room and headed for it, pausing at the slightly ajar door to make sure it was an opportune moment to interrupt.
‘And you won’t be convinced?’ came Bunny’s cut-glass voice.
‘No. I told you, I’m happy with my life in Newcastle.’ It was Penn, sounding exhausted. I wondered how long this conversation had been going on.
‘Come on, old man,’ said Hugh. ‘You’ve had your fun. It’s time to grow up – take some real responsibility.’
‘Your idea of responsibility isn’t the same as mine. Look, I love you both, and I’m grateful for the start you gave me. I’ve never wanted for anything. But I want to make my own way. And being independent is a responsibility, just not the one you had in mind for me. Can’t you just be proud of me for being myself?’
Bunny tutted. ‘You’re an heir to Ashcliffe Hall. That is who you are. There are no two ways about it.’
‘Bertie will inherit, not me.’
His parents said nothing for a while, and I heard the sounds of pacing. I was just considering walking in, under the pretence that I hadn’t been lingering outside the door, when Bunny spoke again.
‘I don’t know why you won’t reconcile with Sophia. You and she could have one of the cottages on the estate; we’ll make sure your finances are taken care of again.’
‘I don’t want your money,’ Penn said carefully. ‘And I have a girlfriend.’
Bunny let out a bitter laugh, and Hugh piped up, ‘Now, she’s a lovely girl, but?—’
‘But what?’ snapped Penn.
‘She’s not for you,’ Bunny said.
‘She is for me.’
She sighed. ‘Peregrine, girls like that… I’m sure she’s a lot of fun. And she no doubt suits your devil-may-care lifestyle in the city. But she isn’t marriage material, not by any means.’
My breath caught in my throat. I already knew what Bunny thought of me, but hearing her say it out loud was like a dagger to the chest. Especially now mine and Penn’s relationship was no longer just for show.
Then, before I had a chance to even let it fully sink in, steps came towards the door. I ducked into a nearby room and held my breath. The three of them walked down the hall, conversation clearly over.
When I thought my appearance would look better timed, I went through to the entrance hall where Penn was now talking in hushed tones with his parents. I pasted on a bright smile.
‘I’ve been looking for you all everywhere. Are we ready for the off?’ I asked Penn.
‘Ready if you are,’ he replied, his expression not giving any hint of the discussion I’d just overheard.
‘Bunny, Hugh. Thank you so much for having me.’ I tensed, noticing how I’d automatically curbed my strong accent just as a result of standing in front of them. I carried on, rectifying it, speaking as I’d been born and raised. ‘I hope you guys can come and see us in Newcastle – visit the shop.’
Bunny gave me a weak smile and offered me her hand to shake, which I did. ‘I’m sure we will,’ she said unconvincingly.
Hugh patted my arm. ‘All the best, Annie. You take care now.’ The way he said it sounded like a final goodbye to someone he wasn’t expecting to see ever again.
We went out to Penn’s car as his parents remained inside. Perhaps waving people off at the door was deemed common, as only Hendrix the Labrador was there to say a last goodbye with licks and barks. Penn sent him back inside, and we got in the car and set off down the long driveway.
‘Back to normality,’ murmured Penn, switching on some music by a band I’d never heard of. It was another reminder of all the ways we were so different, and I didn’t say anything for a long while.
‘You okay?’ he asked, resting a hand on my thigh. I felt a brief stir of arousal, but it was damped down by my worries.
‘I’m fine. Just a bit tired. We didn’t sleep much last night.’
‘Too right we didn’t.’ He flicked a look at me that told me exactly what he meant, and I couldn’t help but smile back. ‘So, what are we going to say to the others at the shop? I mean, are we going to keep this to ourselves for now?’
‘I think we should,’ I replied. ‘I mean, it would seem very out of the blue; they don’t even know what we were up to this weekend. Plus it might be quite fun, to have a little secret.’
He grinned. ‘I like the sound of that.’
‘Maybe we can meet up in the stock cupboard.’
‘Or send each other dirty texts across the room.’
‘What if I was to distract you from a sale by flashing you my boobs?’
‘I don’t think you’d dare, considering the massive window to the street.’
‘Fair.’
We sat for a while, listening to the music. I looked out at the white winter sky and felt that I was leaving Bunny and Hugh’s comments behind me like puffs of air from the exhaust pipe. When Penn and I were back in Newcastle, it wouldn’t matter what they thought. I squeezed the top of his thigh, and he covered my hand with his, linking our fingers.
‘Here’s to a good week in the shop anyway,’ he said. ‘It’s only a week ’til Christmas, so we need to get it while we can.’
‘Yeah, we can do it. I’m going to double up the number of fairy lights, and I got a dancing Santa decoration from eBay to put in the window. So maybe it might attract some more people in.’
He winced, and I extracted my hand from his and batted him on the arm.
‘I thought we’d agreed to be nice to each other.’
‘I have my limits. But you’re right. I should probably make my side a bit more festive too.’
‘It’s not too late to get a few Slade records in, or maybe That’s What I Call Christmas ?’
‘I’ll think about that,’ he said with a reluctant smile.
‘Or maybe you could finally sell your Pink Floyd album. I’m guessing it’s worth a bit if you keep turning down offers. Someone might come in and make you an offer you can’t refuse.’
He shook his head. ‘Not going to happen. And yes, it’s worth a lot, in more ways than one.’
‘Do you want to tell me?’
‘It’s worth a few thousand. Nobody that’s made me an offer has even come close,’ he said, keeping his eyes on the road. My jaw dropped. ‘But it’s also of huge sentimental value. My godfather, my dad’s younger brother, gave it to me when I was a teenager. He was part of the reason I got so into music, but he died a few years ago. I couldn’t part with it.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘And I totally get it. But why do you display it in the shop?’
‘It reminds me of him. His name was Alexander. Uncle Al.’
‘You named the shop after him,’ I said softly.
He nodded, his mouth a tight line. ‘He would probably be the only one in my family who was happy for me.’
‘He must have meant a lot to you.’
‘He really did. He was… incredible. Nothing like the rest of my family. He always carved his own path too, working for a living, having a million hobbies that didn’t include horses or art collections. He was a gifted musician, and he was the one who bought me my first guitar, taught me how to play it. He even brightened up some of those crappy Christmases by having me and Bertie over to his place. But it was me he spent most time with – maybe because we were both the younger brother, he felt I was a kindred spirit. I think I felt that way too. I miss him.’
He changed gear, and I put my hand over his. We drove on in silence.
The country roads widened into dual carriageway then narrowed again, buildings starting to become more and more densely arranged at the sides of the road, until we entered the city. Penn navigated through the busy streets, coming through the other side to Heaton, my parents’ little suburban locale. I gave him directions, and we swung into the street.
When I saw my parents’ house, I didn’t breathe from the moment we turned the corner until we came to a stop outside. Inside the front garden, looking every bit like an enemy flag, was a ‘For Sale’ sign.