CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
NATHAN
The human mind is a fascinating concept. People have the ability to block out painful memories, pretend they never happened at all. They go on with their lives, they’re able to move on easily. It’s a special talent. One I’m sorely incapable of.
I fall squarely among the people that have no choice but to relieve the worst moments of their lives. Sometimes at their most vulnerable. At times it comes when they think they’re finally moving past it. But most of the time it plagues them. Like a shadow watching their every move.
My memories somehow always come when I’m at my happiest. Like an attack, forcing me to remember. To relieve the torture. Usually in a dream.
Dreams not nightmares. Nightmares are fictional images the mind conjures to incite fear while asleep. Dreams are much calmer, they sometimes tap into reality. They’re usually not scary. But dreams have a way of awakening memories once lost. Memories I’d hope to forget.
A woman twirls in her dress in front of her. It’s a blue dress. She has on a big wide smile, showing off her pearly white teeth. There’s music playing in the room through the stereo. She likes to dance, and paint and she likes to be sad.
I wonder if she’ll be sad again today.
“ How do I look, Nate?” she asks, her bare feet moving across the room.
“ You look beautiful, mother,” I tell her dryly.
It’s not a lie though. With her blonde hair and green eyes, I know my mom is objectively beautiful. She reminds me of a flower, delicate, fragile but beautiful regardless.
Unfortunately flowers wither.
“ I know I am, darling. And your father will think so too.”
She leans down to kiss me on the cheek. Which means she’s in a good mood. Perfect.
She’s usually always so sad. Or angry. My mom’s always sad or angry. And then sometimes she gets like this and I get a nice mom back. The mom that kisses me and tells me stories. The mom that tried to teach me how to paint when I was eight.
“ Do you remember your promise?” I ask her impatiently.
When I was ten I used to look at her like she hung the moon, despite her erratic moods. But as a teenager I try to stay away from her if I can help it. As unstable as she is, she’s the only parent that’s always here.
“ Yes, yes, Nathan. You asked me to teach you how to drive, right?”
I nod, swallowing softly. I wouldn’t be asking her, but I have literally no other option. Dad fired all the staff after the last incident. He said I was old enough to make do without people waiting on me and helping with my every need.
I thought it was a bullshit excuse.
I go to school with Sterling Harrington every morning now. A big old empty mansion, with only myself and my mother to keep me company. And as for cooking, sometimes mom cooks. Other times I make do. What matters is that I’m surviving.
I’ll be turning sixteen soon. And then I can get my license and drive. Maybe I’ll drive so far they’ll never find me again.
My mom continues humming under her breath, dancing around the room. I already know we can’t have the driving lessons today. My father always disappoints her. The call comes while she’s sipping some wine in the kitchen. I rush there when I hear glass shattering on the floor on the floor.
But I’m too late. I arrive just as she starts screaming. Blood drips from her hand on to the floor. It mixes in with the wine. I look at her horrified, standing in place as I stare at all the blood. This isn’t the first time she’s done this. But it’s the first time I’ve seen her.
“ It’s okay, honey,” she says through tears. “Mommy will be okay.”
She doesn’t make an effort to stop the bleeding. She simply smiles before her eyes fall shut and she passes out. That shakes me out of my shock. I rush over to her, pulling my shirt over my head and pressing it to the cut on her hand.
Terror fills me at the thought that it’s over. That she’s gone.
“ Mom,” I call, my eyes welling with tears. “Mom!”
“Hey, Nathan,” a soft voice calls. I feel a hand on my forehead. The touch gentle. “Nathan, it’s just a dream.”
Anika’s voice calls me back to reality. I wake up with a jerk, my eyes flying open. Her face is the first thing I see. She’s seated on the bed beside me, her brows furrowed, worry in her expression. I blink, trying to recall my surroundings.
Then I realize I fell asleep here last night. I slowly sit up on the bed, my back resting against the headboard. Anika continues to stare at me warily for a couple of seconds.
“What happened?” I ask, my voice hoarse from lack of use while I slept.
“You were having a dream,” she replies. “You kept calling for your mom.”
It wasn’t a dream though, it was a memory. Sometimes I wish my mother died that day. It’s funny how you can still vividly feel the emotions you felt from an incident so long ago. It still hurts and the blood pumping through my veins goes faster, has me at alert. My heart is racing.
“Nathan, are you-” she starts, then stops, running a hand over her forehead. “Of course you’re not okay. I’m so sorry you had to go through that with your mother.”
“It’s fine,” I murmur, internally cursing my mind.
Of all the fucking days.
We had a great time last night. It was amazing and I hate that we woke up and it’s all being tainted by this.
“I don’t think you’re fine, Nathan,” she says softly, her voice concerned. “Do you want to talk about it?”
My fists clench as I look straight forward, away from her.
“I’m sorry I woke you up so early. What time is it?” I ask, avoiding the question.
Before she can reply, I’m reaching for my phone on the table at my side. It’s 7am and then I check the date and it all makes sense. The anniversary of her death is coming up soon. I always feel even more damaged whenever it starts to loom.
“Nathan,” she calls.
I get off the bed, searching for my clothes around the room. Anika continues to watch me from her spot on the bed. She’s wearing a nightgown, a pink one with lace on top and her nipples on show. It’s hot as fuck. And everything in me wants to stay in her bed with her, in this room. I want to lock myself in here and forget all my problems, all my pain but that’s not how it works.
“I have to go,” I inform her. “Kara will up soon and she’ll be wondering where I am.”
There’s no missing the disappointment in her expression, the hurt that flashes in her eyes. I hate that I put it there.
“Okay,” she says softly. “I’m sorry.”
My heart feels tight as I finally look into her eyes.
“What are you sorry for, sweetheart?”
She shrugs, “I don’t know. Everything. Maybe last night was a mistake?”
“Hey, no. Don’t say that,” I groan softly before padding over to her and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “This isn’t about you, okay? It’s about me.”
She places her hand on my arm, “Tell me what’s wrong. You can talk to me, Nathan.”
I don’t talk to anyone though. I don’t know how to do that.
“It’s not your problem, Anika.”
Her eyes narrow, “That’s not how this works.”
“And what pray tell is this?” I drawl before I can stop myself.
She shifts away from my touch, her expression tight. I run a hand through my hair in frustration. Fuck, I can’t do anything right. I need to get out of here.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“Listen, Nathan. I can’t do this, okay? I thought we shared something special last night-”
“We did,” I quickly say.
“Are you sure? Because if you agree then you have to understand what comes with it. I don’t know how to do this if you don’t talk to me.”
“I-” I pause, having no idea what to say. Finally I settle on, “I have to go. I’m heading to Raleigh this morning to take care of some issues at the company. I’ll be back late.”
A muscle ticks in her jaw as she looks anywhere but at me.
“Have a safe trip,” she grits out.
Yeah, I can’t leave with her being mad at me. I climb back into bed, reaching for her chin and tilting her head towards me.
“Don’t ice me out, Anika,” I tell her.
“Don’t be such a secretive ass then,” she retorts.
I smile, “Last night was everything to me. You know that, right?”
“Prove it.”
I consider that for a moment before an idea forms in my mind.
“Kara and I are scheduled to go to the park tomorrow afternoon. Do you want to come? You can hang out with her and maybe we can talk?” I suggest, although dread fills me at the thought of opening up.
“Your daughter doesn’t like me though,” she points out.
“Are you kidding? She’s always asking me about the pretty lady from the bakery. Trust me, Kara’s a fan,” I assure her.
She perks up at that, “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah,” she nods before wrapping her arms around my neck in a hug.
I hold her to me, not wanting to let go. It’s not often I feel comfortable or safe but being around Anika always feels like that.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
I lean away and kiss her like I’ve been wanting to for a bit. She kisses me back with just as much passion and I’m thinking of telling my responsibilities to fuck off and spending all day in bed with her regardless. But I can’t do that.
Eventually we have to break apart. She leaves me to put on my clothes while she prepares some coffee, which I have before I leave. It’s strangely domestic. And a part of me knows I could get used to this.
I just have to get over the worst moment in my life first.
***
“You really did that?” Kara asks wide eyed staring at Anika like she hung the moon.
She’s been doing that for a while now. We picked her up an hour ago from her house and I had to mentally restrain myself from walking straight to her and kissing her senseless in front of my daughter and Robert. Then we drove here to the park after making a quick stop for ice cream.
Anika and Kara have spent the entire time talking. I don’t talk much, I’m more of a listener. But the two of them seem to match each other’s energy.
“Of course, sugar. It was amazing. Sky diving is one of the top ten things everyone has to do when they’re young,” she tells her.
“And by young she means when you’re 30,” I interject before my daughter decides to get all these crazy ideas and give me gray hairs prematurely.
“Dad!” she complains, her eyes scolding before looking back at Anika. “When did you go sky diving? You don’t seem as old as my daddy and he’s 33!”
Anika laughs, “I’ll be 27 in four days, so definitely not as old your dad.”
“Your birthday’s in four days?” Kara asks excitedly. She tugs on my shirt, “Daddy, Nika’s birthday is soon.”
“I heard, princess. I’m sitting right here,” I point out.
We’re on a bench overlooking the playground. Kara’s seated between Anika and I. I was already aware her birthday was coming. I definitely have to plan something special for her. But I have no clue what to do.
“We should plan a party for her at our house. It’s big enough. We can invite the whole town!”
I shake my head. Kara’s the epitome of go big or go home. I raised her to believe in reaching for the impossible and that’s exactly what she always strives to do. Plus she loves parties, especially ones where she gets to be the center of attention.
My daughter’s the opposite of me in that way.
“I’m sure Anika already has plans?” I question casually, hoping to find out if she does.
She shakes her head, her eyes meeting mine playfully, “No, my schedule’s wide open,” she tells me.
“Noted,” I murmur.
“So we can plan a party for her if she has no plans,” Kara points out.
“No, princess. I’m pretty sure she’s going out of town on that day.”
“I am?” Anika questions, smiling.
I wink at her and she blushes, realizing it means that I’m already planning something.
“But dad-”
I can tell she’s about to throw a tantrum but thankfully Anika swoops in.
“Would you like to play on the swings, little K? I can push you.”
She nods enthusiastically, her eyes lighting up. I smile as she and Anika move a couple feet away. I watch them for a while, an image I probably have no business forming in my mind. She just fits, more than I realized she would.
And watching her with my daughter has my throat tightening. They eventually move to the monkey bars and Anika stays on the ground, watching as Kara starts to climb to the top. I feel my anxiety shoot up a little because that could be dangerous but I don’t move. Anika has her eyes trained on her and I’m not trying to be too much of a helicopter parent.
Kara eventually gets to the top. She waves at me from her position.
“Daddy, look,” she calls.
I smile, waving back at her.
“Okay, sugar. Now, jump. I’ll catch you,” Anika prompts, holding her hands out.
The bars are not that far up in the air. I’m sure Anika could catch her with ease. That being said, I would at least think about it before flying into someone’s arms. But not my daughter, she doesn’t even blink before jumping off, giggling as she lands right into Anika’s arms.
As soon as she hits the ground Kara wraps her arm around her waist. She doubles over, hair fanning around her as she hugs her back and whispers something in her hair. Kara nods in agreement, her smile growing even bigger and I’m curious about what she said. I stare wondering how much Kara’s been missing a woman’s presence in her life.
She and Anika trade a few more words before Kara notices her friend Lila arrive. She runs off to meet her and her mother while Anika walks back to the bench with a smile.
When she sits down beside me, I instinctively take her hand in mine, running my thumb over her palm.
“Why do I feel like you’re going to be a bad influence on my daughter?” I ask, my tone light and teasing.
“I’d be an amazing influence,” she corrects. “Plus, she already adores me.”
“Yeah she does. I told you she was a fan.”
Anika’s eyelashes flutter as she looks up at me, “She said you talk about me a lot too. Looks like she’s not the only fan.”
“Traitor,” I murmur under my breath. “Don’t get cocky, Cameron.”
“I told her she’s’ officially my third favorite little kid. I didn’t mention Sean and Stella of course,” she says referring to her niece and nephew.
“What else did you talk about?” I question curiously.
Anika pauses, biting down on her bottom lip.
“Come on, sweetheart. Spit it out,” I prompt.
She sighs, “She just asked if I was going to be her second mom. Don’t worry, I kind of just diverted her attention instead of answering.”
My jaw clenches. I look away, staring at my daughter. She’s running around the playground with Lila and she looks happy. She’s never said anything about missing her mom or needing a mom to me. But it’s normal for little girls to want a mother. I try my absolute best to always be there for her. But I know it’s not possible to fill the space meant for two people.
“Being a parent is weird,” I start, exhaling softly. “You want so badly to protect your child from every single pain in the world.”
“That’s not possible though,” Anika points out gently.
I shake my head, “No, it’s not. But it still hurts when you can’t.”
“Where’s her mother?”
I look at her with a small smile, “You know I’m surprised it took you this long to ask me that.”
“I was guess I was just scared. Maybe you’ll tell me she was an amazing woman that you fell in love with. She broke your heart but a part of you still longs to be with her again.”
I snort softly, “Somebody’s got an overactive imagination.”
“What? So it wasn’t like that?”
“I told you, Anika. I’ve never been in love with anyone before.”
“So what happened with Kara’s mother?” she questions curiously.
“Well first off, she was definitely not an amazing woman,” I grit out. “Amazing women don’t walk out of their daughter’s life. Her name is Isabelle. She was my secretary when I started working for the company.” Anika quirks her eyebrows in amusement and I roll my eyes.
“Yeah, I know. It’s the cliché, boss starts dating secretary story. I wish I could tell you we had a great relationship and I had strong feelings for her but honestly it would be bullshit. She was just available, I guess. We did start dating. We were together for a bit and then she got pregnant. Which is when she showed her true colors. Turns out, she’d only been in it for the money. She threatened to get rid of the baby and I didn’t want that. I basically had to pay her to give birth to Kara. And after I paid her to stay out of our lives.”
Anika winces, “Yikes.”
“Yeah, it’s a fun story,” I say sardonically. “When I think about Isabelle, it’s never been about me. I feel nothing for her now. She didn’t even hurt me with her actions, I couldn’t have cared less about her. But her actions directly impacted my daughter. And that’s something I can never forgive her for.”
“Do you still see her?”
“Maybe once or twice a year. Kara knows about her. She pops up on her birthdays with lots of gifts to buy forgiveness from her daughter for her absence in her life. But Kara’s getting older and soon enough she’ll understand how manipulative that is. I think she’s starting now, too. She’s probably aware that mothers aren’t supposed to leave the way she does. Whenever Isabelle shows up, I have to give her a paycheck in order to keep her mouth shut. I’d pay her to stay in Kara’s life if I thought she could actually perform her role as a mother but she doesn’t want it and I would never force or bribe her to. It’s a fucked up situation but it’s the one I’ve got.
“I’m sorry you have to go through that. Both you and Kara,” Anika murmurs softly.
I smile as I look towards her, “You’ve really got to stop apologizing for things you didn’t cause.”
“I know. It’s just. I hate seeing you in pain,” she says honestly.
My pulse quickens at that. I hate it when she says things like that, because it makes me want to keep her. Forever.
“So what do you think about being Kara’s second mom?” I question, only half-joking as I waggle my eyebrows.
Anika rolls her eyes before slapping my arm, “That’s not funny.”
“No?”
She’s about to say something else when a frantic voice pierces the air.
“Help! Someone please help!”
My head jerks upward. And I realize I’ve lost sight of Kara. Anika and I leap to our feet rushing in the direction of the voice. My heart seizes when I realize it’s Lila’s mother. She’s crouched before a little girl, lying on the floor. A little girl wearing pink sneakers.
My little girl. Kara has a small gash on her forehead and her eyes are close. Times seems to freeze. My legs feel anchored. My breath shallow. Anika rushes to Kara, crouching down to look at the wound. She pulls a scarf from her bag, pressing it against the gash on her head to stop the bleeding.
“What happened?!” she asks, placing a hand on Kara’s cheek.
“I-I don’t know. I think she fell and tripped on to that rock. I only took my eyes off them for a second,” Lila’s mother explains tearfully.
“Nathan, we need to get her to the hospital!” Anika yells.
I’m still standing in place. Her voice reaches me but somehow it doesn’t penetrate. All I can do is stare at my daughter on the floor in shock.
“Nathan!” Anika screams.
That snaps me out of it. I rush to Kara’s side, hurriedly scooping her up with trembling arms. Her small body is limp against me, and fear knots in my stomach. I carry her to the car, carefully placing her in the backseat.
“Stay with her,” I tell Anika and she doesn’t waste a second before sliding in beside her.
Her presence is a steadying force. And then I try to open the driver’s seat and realization dawns on me. Robert had some errands to run so he’s not here to drive the car.
I can’t. I can’t.
In a flash I’m that scared 15 year old boy behind the wheel of a car, begging for them to save my mom. Apologizing for making a mistake that led to her dying in the first place. Crying and wishing desperately she was back.