CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
ANIKA
My heart lurches in my chest when Nathan freezes again. He goes somewhere else and it’s terrifying to watch. I swallow down all my panic, because I know he needs me right now. And the little girl in my arms needs her dad to get it together.
“Nathan,” I call, my voice soft. I swallow when he doesn’t acknowledge that he heard me. “Nathan!”
He shuts his eyes before looking at me and the pain in his eyes is enough to break my heart. I can’t even imagine what he must be feeling right now. One second we were joking and smiling, the next his daughter’s life is in danger.
“I can drive. Let me drive,” I offer, slowly moving Kara’s head from my lap.
His eyes are filled with desperation but then he’s shaking his head with fortitude.
“No. I’ll do it,” he grits out. “Stay with her, Anika.”
He opens the door and slides into the driver’s seat. His hands are shaking as he places them on the wheel.
“The hospital’s ten minutes away,” I tell him, my voice low and encouraging. “Just get us there as fast as you can. It’ll be okay, Nathan.”
I place a hand on Kara’s neck. She feels warm. When I peek under the scarf I placed against the wound I notice the bleeding’s stopped. It doesn’t look very deep, but I can’t be sure. I’m scared as hell that’s something else is wrong with her.
“You’re going to be okay, sweetie,” I murmur, brushing her hair back from her forehead. “It’ll be fine.”
Nathan’s body is tense as he drives us to the hospital. It’s probably the longest ten minutes of my life. He parks as quickly as he can before jumping out of the car and wrenching the door open. He’s reaching for Kara when her eyes open, green eyes looking right at me.
“What’s going on?” she asks before groaning and touching her forehead. “Ow, it hurts.”
I exhale a breath of relief. Meanwhile Nathan nearly staggers against the door. He regains his balance and I watch as the terror in his eyes start to dissipate.
“I know sweetie,” I say to the little girl in my lap. “You fell. Your dad and I are going to take you to the doctor now.”
Nathan doesn’t say a word, he simply lifts her into his arms carefully. She stays conscious as we carry her to the Emergency room. And then there’s a doctor coming in to examine her. Kara’s on the bed while Nathan and I stand to the side, watching, waiting.
My heart is pounding. She’s not even my daughter and I’m scared out of my mind. I can’t even imagine what Nathan’s going through.
“I’m sorry, daddy,” Kara murmurs, looking toward her dad who’s just a tight wound up ball of tension at the moment.
He manages not to scowl as he nods gently, “It’s okay. Just let the doctor checked your head.”
The doctor’s a man in his sixties with a dark skin and a clean shaven head. We stay quiet as he checks out the wound and does some eye tests to ascertain the damage. Once he’s done, he gestures for Nathan and I to step away from the bed so he can talk to us. A nurse stays behind with Kara
“She’ll be okay,” Dr. Williams assures us. “The cut’s not deep. I think she’s just a heavy bleeder.”
Nathan nods in agreement, “Yeah, she is. But she passed out. That’s not normal.”
“Ah. That was just from shock. I assure you there’s nothing wrong with her, Mr. Wolfe.”
“She doesn’t have a concussion?” I question.
He smiles warmly at me. I’ve known the man since I was a baby. Pretty sure he reset my arm once
“Anika, she’s fine. The both of you don’t need to worry. She will have to get stitches though and some rest. After that, you can take her home.”
I let out a breath of relief.
“Thank you, doctor,” I state.
“Thank you,” Nathan mutters.
The doctor returns to the bed and I’m about to follow but then I notice Nathan going in the opposite direction. My heart zeroes in on the fact that his hands are still shaking. I follow him out into the hallway of the emergency room, my heart sinking as I watch him stumble against the wall as soon as he thinks he’s alone.
“Nathan,” I reach for his arm but he shifts out of my grip, his eyes wide.
He chuckles at his chest, gasping for air. Oh God.
I move towards him again, my steps light.
“Nathan, let me help you,” I whisper, slowly placing a hand on his arm. “Just try to breathe. Kara’s fine. She’s going to be okay.”
I don’t even know if my words are reaching him. I reach for the tie around his neck, loosening it and he finally lets out a gasping breath. He slides down to the floor and I go down with him, crouching so that we’re eye level.
“You’re okay, Nathan. I promise. You did great today. Your daughter’s okay because of you.”
I say a couple more soft, encouraging words. At some point I’m not even sure I’m speaking English. But he starts to calm down. His eyes begin to focus and his breathing evens out. We both stay on the floor for several more seconds. I’m there for as long as he wants me to. Until finally he looks into my eyes.
“Hey,” I say softly. “There you are.”
His eyes fall shut and he runs a hand over his face. Before jerking to his feet. I nearly fall backward in surprise. But I regain my balance last second standing as well.
“Nathan, are you okay?”
“No,” he grits out. “I’m not fucking okay.”
I reel back, a little stunned by the harshness in his tone.
“I can’t do this,” he says, lowering his voice a little. He reaches for his hair, gripping it so hard I’m sure it hurts. “What happened today was my fault.”
My brows furrow, “She fell and hit her head. It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have prevented it.”
“I should have been watching her,” he retorts. “Instead I got distracted.”
His words are a shard of glass aimed directly at my chest. My throat dries.
“By me? You were distracted by me?” I ask.
He doesn’t even meet my eyes, “I can’t do this, Anika. I need to focus on my daughter. She’s the only thing that matters to me right now. This isn’t going to work out.”
I let out a small awkward laugh. I’m actually in disbelief right now.
“Are you serious? Nathan, she’s fine. Accidents happen. And I understand how hard it was but you did. I’m proud of you for getting behind that wheel and getting us here. I’m-”
“I’m not Stein, Anika,” he snaps.” I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you neglecting your own issues only to focus on mine.”
Okay ouch. I step backward like he hit me. He might as well have with those words.
“I think you’re being really dramatic right now.”
“And I think you need to leave,” he retorts. “I appreciate your help today but I just need to be with my daughter. I’ll talk to you later.”
My hands ball into fists. When I look into my eyes it’s like he’s not even there. Like he can’t even see me. And it hurts. Just as much as I knew it would.
Maybe even more.
“You know what, screw you! Don’t bother trying to talk to me. I’m not interested,” I say angrily.
I walk away after that, knowing it’s a mistake. But it’s not mine. It was his choice. He’s choosing to walk away from this. From us. From what we could have been.
He got scared. Which is shocking because I never would have expected Nathan Wolfe to be a coward.
I guess this was always inevitable though. And I’m the dumbass that wished for more.
***
Sleeping’s a coping mechanism. I don’t think anyone ever admits how dangerous it is though. One minute you’re making a decision to sleep and then it’s the only thing you end up doing for two days. Simply lying in bed, alternating between shutting your eyes in order to stop thinking and then binge-watching shows while eating takeout.
Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have been able to pull off shutting out the world for two days. But my parents are out of town and Carson’s too busy with the center opening in about a week. Which means I’ve been left blissfully alone.
I’ve also spent a lot of time staring in the corner of my room. There’s a door there. A basic brown door with a brass knob. But it leads into a room I haven’t stepped into in forever. My art room. I used to escape reality by spending all my time locked up in that room. Letting my ideas possess me. Letting myself dream and then bringing those dreams to life.
Now I’m spending all my time staring at the door and wondering if I’ll ever find the strength to walk into it again. To dream again.
It’s downright depressing.
And I have no one to blame but myself. I don’t even blame Nathan Wolfe. I’m not wallowing because of him. I’m wallowing in spite of him. He provided a nice distraction these past two months. But that’s over now.
I’m over it.
I just wish I could say that out loud with conviction. Except there’s a slight problem. My sheets still smell like him. He only slept here once but I can still feel him. I can feel his arms around me. He held me like I was special. Like I was something to me.
And then he kicked me out of his life and I realized it was all a lie.
I’m in my pjs eating some Cheetos and watching my favorite musical when I hear my front door unlock. I can’t even summon the energy to figure out who it could be. Most likely my mom. But she’s not meant to come in until later today. I thought I had a couple of hours until my self-imposed isolation ended.
Footsteps draw closer and I suck in a breath, a little worried it’s actual an intruder. I could die with Cheeto breath while wearing ugly sweats. The door opens right in the middle of Angelica singing about just how much she wants her sister’s man. And in walks my own sister, looking like some kind of Victoria secret model.
Blonde hair, blue eyes. Nothing about me and Emilia’s physical appearance screams siblings. But the way her eyes soften as they land on me makes it clear just how much she loves me. Usually, I would have been screaming out of excitement and jumping into her arms. But I can barely summon the energy for a small smile and a wave.
“Hey, sis. I didn’t know you were coming to town today,” I say.
She tilts her head to the side, adopting a no-nonsense expression. She’s not directly related to my mom, but I swear she’s adopted all her mannerisms over the years. It’s scary. Or maybe it’s just because Emilia’s a mother now, too.
“You look disgusting, Nika,” she states.
“I feel disgusting,” I agree. “So why are you doing here so early? I thought you were coming next week right before the exhibition.”
“Carson called me. Said you were holed up in your room.”
Dammit. I should have known he wouldn’t be too busy to be nosy.
“I’m fine.”
Emilia lifts a hand in the air, “No, you’re not fine. I don’t even want to hear those words coming out of your mouth right now.”
I press my lips together, falling silent.
“Carson told me what happened,” she says, walking into the room and perching on the edge of my bed.
She wrinkles her nose distastefully taking in the empty pizza box on the bedside table. And the Cheetos in my hand.
Hey, at least my environment’s not filthy. I haven’t taken a shower in two days but at least I cleaned up after myself. Which is definitely weird but taking a bath just seemed so daunting.
I scoff, “Carson knows nothing.”
“He knows enough to punch Nathan Wolfe in the face apparently.”
My eyes widen and I sit up a little straighter, “He did what?”
“He punched Nathan in the face. Once. He tried to go for it again but apparently Nathan blocked the punch and told him to fuck off. He’s pretty good at putting our big brother in his place,” Emilia laughs.
Meanwhile I roll my eyes, “I can’t believe he punched him. He doesn’t even know what happened.”
“Yeah but he hurt you. Isn’t that why you shut yourself in your room?”
“No,” I mumble shoving a Cheeto in my mouth.
Emilia sighs, “Anika, Priya’s going to be here in a couple of hours. Either you talk to me or you talk to us both but trust me you’re going to talk. And we’re going to listen and tell you everything’s going to be okay. Afterwards you’ll have a bath, smile and be happy again, just in time for your birthday tomorrow.”
I snort, “You got a genie lamp under that dress? You can’t just wish me into being happy, Emilia.”
“Maybe but I can help you. But first, tell me what Nathan did.”
“He didn’t do anything,” I mutter.
Her eyes narrow.
“Okay fine. He may or may not have basically told me to get out of his life. But it’s fine. I wasn’t really in it anyway.”
“Wow, he said that? I can’t believe I pushed you into working for that jerk.”
I laugh, “You knew he was a jerk when you pushed me into working for him though. Nathan’s never pretended to be anything but. I guess I just forgot.”
She frowns, “His attitude problems aren’t an excuse for hurting you.”
“I let myself be hurt.”
“No,” she shakes her head. “You can’t take responsibility for other people’s fuck ups, that’s not how life works.”
I exhale a loud breath before lying back down.
“Honestly though, this isn’t about Nathan. Not really. Yeah what he said hurt but I knew what I was walking into when I started having feelings for him.”
“So what’s this about? Is this about me?” my sister questions her voice low.
I look towards her, my brows furrowed, “What are you talking about?”
“I wasn’t here. I left you behind, Nika. You had to deal with your break up with Edward all alone after I left. Priya said she thought that the breakup and my absence was what really pushed you over the edge.”
I snort, “Now who’s taking responsibility for something that doesn’t concern her.”
“Come on, Anika. You can be honest.”
I pause, thinking it over for a couple of seconds. Finally I blow out a breath.
“Okay, if I’m being completely honest, I did resent you a little for leaving town. Leaving me. But that’s selfish. You have your own life to live, Emilia. You’re a whole mother and a wife, not my crutch through life.”
“I’m your big sister too,” she says, her eyes glassy. “I should have been there.”
I groan softly, “Don’t you dare cry. I haven’t cried once since I left Nathan at the hospital and I’m not about to let you trigger any tears.”
She nods, blinking gently until her eyes are clear.
“Okay, no tears. But let’s do some real talk,” she states.
“I hate real talk,” I pout.
“Too bad. Now look at me,” she prompts. I sigh before looking into her eyes. “When’s the last time you painted?”
“Really?” I drawl.
“Really,” she says seriously. “Answer the question, Anika.”
“Fine. Four years ago.”
“And why did you stop?”
I shrug, thinking back to the year I slowly started getting depleted of energy. I couldn’t see colors anymore. I lost my ability to imagine, forcing myself in front of an easel didn’t help. Nothing did.
“We had just started living together then. Do you think it had anything to do with that? Maybe the change in environment wasn’t good for you?”
I shrug.
“Come on, Nika. Work with me here.”
“I don’t know, Em. What? Are you some kind of therapist now?”
She doesn’t even blink, “Tell me why?”
“Fine. I guess it was around that time Edward and I started to get into these fights. He’d complain when I shut myself in my art studio for too long. He wanted me at every show they played and it took me away from painting a lot.”
“Have I mentioned how much I hate your ex-boyfriend?” my sister questions.
“Trust me, everyone does,” I say on a short laugh. “But I don’t think it was his fault. It was me. I just starting to feel tired. Painting didn’t give me any joy anymore. I thought I needed a few weeks away from it and then weeks turned into years and I don’t think I remember how to even paint anymore.”
“Painting’s a part of you, Anika. It just doesn’t go away.”
I smile, “You sound like Nathan.”
“Okay. Well then at least he’s smart. But he’s also dumb for hurting you.”
“Preach, sis,” I say in agreement. “Anyway, you see now that it wasn’t your fault? Or anyone for that matter? I don’t even blame Edward. He’s nothing to me. And he’s not the reason for this never ending block.”
“Do you really believe it’s never ending?”
I hesitate before replying, “No. I felt like I used to a couple of days ago. I almost opened that door actually,” I admit.
“That’s amazing. What changed?” Emilia asks.
“Nathan,” I mumble. “Don’t judge me.”
She laughs, “I would never. He makes you happy. That’s good.”
“Yeah, too bad he’s a dickhead and I’m never talking to him again.”
“You don’t mean that,” she says.
“Actually I do. He was really mean. He has a tendency to say mean things when he feels out of control and I can’t keep on forgiving him.”
“Sterling says mean things too sometimes. It’s normal to fight with the people you care about, Anika. What you don’t do is give up on them.”
“Are you seriously asking me to meet up with him after what he said?”
“Definitely not. But like I said, the man’s smart. He’ll figure out the right thing to do on his own.”
I’m not so sure about that. And even if Nathan did apologize, I don’t think I’d be willing to put myself in such a vulnerable position like that again.
I groan, “I hate being in love.”
Emilia’s eyes widen and I realize what I said only after the words leave my mouth.
“Wait! I don’t mean I’m in love,” I hurriedly correct.
My sisters makes a face of pure disbelief and amusement. “Whatever you say, little sis. Now get your ass out of that bed. You’re disgusting.”
“Don’t be mean,” I mutter.
Still I climb out of bed like she said. I’m lighter than I’ve felt in days. In a long time actually. I didn’t realize all I really needed was to talk about it. To organize my thoughts and realize what the problem is.
Maybe there’s never been a problem. I simply created one in order to run away from what I was really feeling.
I can’t believe one conversation with Emilia’s managed to help this much. She just knew exactly what to say. I feel my eyes grow a little glassy.
“I’d hug you but I have a feeling you’d be opposed that,” I tell her.
She nods, “You’d be right. I’ll give you an extra big hug after your shower.”
“Okay. Did you bring my babies with you from New York?”
“They’re with dad and Priya. Sterling and I dropped them off at their house and then he dropped me here before heading to the center to see Carson and Nathan.”
“I hope he’s going to give Nathan another punch,” I mutter.
“Unfortunately he’s more sympathetic to his plight,” Emilia says on a laugh. “Technically he was in the same shoes a couple of years ago.”
Oh right. Nathan and Sterling really are eerily similar. Sterling’s managed to heal so much though. And he did it with Emilia by his side. I wonder if that’s what Nathan needs. Someone to help him organize his thoughts just like Emilia just did for me. Someone to help him sort through all that pain he keeps locked away.
That person doesn’t have to be me though. And he clearly doesn’t want it to be. Before I head into the bathroom, I turn around to give my sister one last look.
“You know I love you, right?”
She smiles, “Love you too, Nika.”