Chapter 31
SARAH
“Are you ok?”
I wipe my eyes, breathing and hoping I don’t actually hack up a lung. “Yeah,” I choke out.
“You still sound awful,” Roxie says as I take a sip of water.
I might be feeling better, but the phlegm and cough still sneak attack.
For three whole days, I moved the kids’ toys into my room and spent the day in bed, moving as little as possible. They were angels, and since they weren’t feeling the best either, we spent lots of time sleeping, cuddled together.
I had to miss work, which will only put me further in the financial hole this month, but what’s new?
I pour Goldfish into small bowls. “At least the hacking spasms have kept Cory out of my office.”
“Hey, there’s my girl, and the bright side,” Roxie cheers.
I’m happy she’s seeing rays of sunshine. My projected forecast is predicting nothing but doom and gloom.
I hand over snacks and sit on the floor with Ollie and Frankie.
“You still haven’t heard anything from Miles?”
There we go. We’re back to shitty reality.
“No, I’m praying he becomes so consumed with the new attention and big city life he forgets all about us.”
It’s the sad, pathetic truth. Ollie rubs his stuffed fish against his face, loving on it, and Frankie climbs into my lap, hitting me in the chin with a board book. Ouch .
I never thought I’d be in a place where I lost hope of giving them what I never had, but I’m there. I think my babies will truly be better off without him.
“I won’t be contacting him. That’s for sure.”
“So, what now? What’s the plan?” She’s back to Roxie the Riveter.
I need her “We can do it!” attitude because I’m seriously doubting my ability to do anything. “I don’t know. Just keep going, I guess.”
“Just keep swimming,” she sings. “You know, that’s kind of a suckass attitude.”
I laugh. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with my mom.”
“Hey, she’s helping me spread the word about my impending engagement in the most unconventional ways, and my parents are having none of it. She’s really the best. What about Slade? At least tell me you’ve finally talked to the gentle giant.”
My body sags against the couch. I haven’t. I’m the enormous coward who doesn’t want to face him or the possibility that I hurt my closest friend here. The man who sat with me and held me while I was sick with both the flu and the consequences of my life choices.
I’ve been hiding for the past two weeks, hoping to casually run into him when we were outside with Grover or coming and going from work, but nope. It makes me wonder if he’s avoiding me, too.
“No, I think maybe he’s realized what an absolute s-h-i-t show my life is and has intelligently removed himself.”
“Pfft. That sounds like an excuse.” She pauses, and I can’t even defend it. “I’m going to say something that sucks, so brace yourself.”
I think about hanging up. I can’t take much more.
“You need him. Someone you can depend on for help and support. Sarah, he took care of you and the kids when you really needed it, without even being asked. Men, don’t do that for fun. No offense, but you can’t afford to lose that kind of friendship. ”
It’s a bit of a slap in the face, but she’s not wrong.
“And you need to quit being ashamed or embarrassed or whatever the hell it is about those damn ribbons and crowns. Miles is a complete dick and will say anything to hurt you. You rocked beautiful ass, and you should be proud.”
I debate the accuracy of that last part.
“That hunk of a man was carrying your sick, worn-out body to bed, and you should’ve let him. You also should’ve had him crawl in with you. Just sayin’.”
A warm rush crawls through me at the thought of snuggling his big, firm body. I inhale through my newly opened nostrils, wanting to conjure up his unique scent. He smells so damn good.
I shut it down immediately. I will not be thinking about how any man smells, especially the broody, blunt grump across the street.
“What do you have to lose? You’re already pushing him away.”
She can’t see my massive eye roll, but it’s noteworthy. A man I’m really beginning to care about, along with my only remaining microscopic specks of trust.
When I don’t respond, she pushes. “What are you afraid of?” Her gentle question slams into the truth.
This, I’m willing to answer out loud. “Uh. . .maybe the truckload of judgment and ridicule that comes when people find out.”
I admitted things to Slade that I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know if it was the fever or his fingers running through my hair that coaxed it out of me. But I told him about Miles, how stupid I was, and the mortifying details of my marriage.
Did I tell him everything? No, but enough. And now, he’s avoiding me, which is also probably my fault.
“I know most people don’t understand what you accomplished and what it took, but you’ve got to toss out those trolls, the wenches you called friends, and Miles completely out of the picture.
His stupid ass will prance around with his ding-dong leading the way like Rudolph- The-Freaking-Times-Square-Reindeer. ”
I smile, knowing she’s right, but also, she didn’t have to face the brunt of the comments and insinuations. People judged, mocked, and liked to make uninformed assumptions about what I actually did. I don’t know if I can handle one of those people being Slade.
“You’re not giving him enough credit,” she says lightly.
I kiss the top of Frankie’s head. Maybe I’m not. But it’s been over seventy years, and there’s still a shitload of misconceptions and false ideas. The truth is, I care what Slade thinks. I really care.
That realization settles like a giant rock in my gut.
There’s a knock on the door, and Grover barks, his tail wagging. I see the outline of a figure beyond the frosted glass, and my heart jumps a little at the thought of it possibly being Slade.
“Rox, someone’s at the door.”
“Ok. Just talk to him. Tell him or don’t, but at least talk to him.” There’s another knock. “K. Love you. Bye.”
I carry Frankie with me, using her cute smiley face as a shield against the grumpy scowl that could be present on the other side of the door.
I yank it open.
“Hey. You’re home,” Krissy says, holding a brown grocery sack. “I’ve wanted to stop by and see how you all are since Slade said you were sick, but my schedule has been crazy.”
I step back, inviting her in while the flickers of anticipation are snuffed out.
She holds up the bag. “I’m super late to the party, but I brought you some soup. It’s only a jar from the store, so you can save it for next time.”
“Thank you. That’s so thoughtful.” I step back, inviting her in and she sets the sack on the small bench by the door.
“Kissy!” Ollie jumps up and grabs her hand, tugging her to the floor.
Grover nuzzles her with his wet nose, and she accepts his kisses.
“Pout-Pout is the a-a-aircraft carrier. See.” He’s lined two jets on top of the flattened fish .
“I see that.” She smiles as one jet takes off. “So, you’re feeling better?”
I nod. “Yeah, finally. It’s taken a few weeks, but we’re back at it.”
Frankie crawls into Krissy’s crossed legs and makes herself at home in her lap. She runs a hand over Frankie’s growing mullet.
“I’m glad. Slade said you were pretty sick.”
I wonder how much he said about what he walked into. I think about asking how he is to see if I can get a clue about where we stand, but . . . “How’s the townhouse?” Roxie bawking like a chicken rings in my ears.
“Really good. It’s nice having my own place.
Some friends came over, and we had a little housewarming party.
I’m slowly decorating and figuring out what I like.
” She laughs. “I’ve been hitting up all the thrift stores.
I place something somewhere and then move it the next day to see if I like it better.
It’s so lame, but I’m having fun. Were you able to finish your classes? ”
I blow out a breath. “Yeah, by the skin of my teeth, I passed my finals. Now, I have to decide what to take next semester or let my grant drop and sit out until I have more time.”
I was certain I failed my statistics exam and teared up when I saw that beautiful C as my final grade. Luckily, my GPA didn’t suffer too badly.
“Maybe you should take something fun.” She grabs a handful of blocks and stacks them in front of Frankie. “I took a ballet class and made a complete fool of myself, but I had a blast.”
“I never took dance. I have no grace.” I weigh my head from side to side. “I’m thinking about changing my major.”
“Really? You don’t want to be a lawyer anymore?” She sounds shocked.
Ollie’s jet zooms past our faces in a fly-by.
“I’ve just seen what it takes, and I have these two boogers. I don’t want to miss this.” I watch Frankie stack the blocks carefully.
Plus, I may have a custody battle ahead.
“What would you switch it to? I always wanted to be a nurse. I knew the minute I found out my mom was sick. I love working in the labor department. It’s kind of the best of both worlds.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m looking through the course schedule. Maybe something with finance. I seem to be good at it.”
“Well, the women’s clinic is looking for a bookkeeper if you’re ever interested. The board is fantastic, and the pay isn’t bad either for being a non-profit.”
I tuck that away to think about another day. There are too many uncertainties to consider making any major life decisions, such as switching jobs.
She checks her watch. “I have to get going. My shift starts soon.”
I hold out my hands for Frankie, but she stays put. “I have to get these monkeys in the bath and then bed.”
“No m-more monkeys j-j-jumping on the bed,” Ollie sings, and Frankie bounces, ready to play the bedtime game.
Krissy laughs as Frankie’s little diaper butt hits her legs, but she doesn’t move to get up. The room quiets, and I wait.
“He’s being a jerk,” she says, pulling Frankie’s fine hair into a tiny ponytail.
I frown, wondering if the doctor is displeased with something else now that she’s moved out of Slade’s. I might punch him. “Who?”
“Slade.” My gut reaction eases. “He’s just. . .scared, you know?” she says quietly, like it might be a secret.
He’s not the only one.
“When our mom died, he shut down and closed everyone out. He went into protection mode. He focused on making sure I was ok and had everything I needed.”
She glances at me. “He couldn’t fix it. Bring her back or make it all right. So, he did everything else he could to make it better.”
His whispered words float around me. Everything will be ok .
She laughs a little. “He tried so hard before she died to show her that we’d be ok. He even . . .” She doesn’t finish her statement, and I wish she would .
This paints a clearer picture of the man who seems to want to help everyone else but doesn’t tend to himself. He’s a growly lion trying to protect his pride.
“I think. . .I hurt his feelings,” I admit. “I didn’t mean to, but sometimes we make stupid decisions to guard ourselves.” And that’s exactly what I did. I pushed him and his comfort away, too afraid of what he might think.
“Well, he does that every day.” She laughs. “He’s pretty forgiving, though. I mean, I push him to the max all the time just to see how long I can get him to pop his head out of the trash can.”
“Oscar lives in a trash can,” Ollie says, flopping on top of Grover. “But Grover is silly.” The fluff ball licks his face.
We laugh.
“He sure is,” Krissy says, climbing to her feet. “You guys still need to come check out my place.”
“And have pizza!” Ollie throws his arms in the air.
“Yes. Definitely pizza.” She grins.
I hug her, and Frankie blows her kisses. I stare across the street, watching her pull out of the driveway. I wave, knowing what I have to do.
There’s no room in my life for cowardice, and if I’m going to be brave, I know the first place to start.
I just have to face the big guy and hope he’s also willing to lay down his fear enough to meet me halfway.