Chapter 45
SLADE
“You wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head. “No.” Carson sits in the chair across from my desk.
“Give her time to cool off, but not too much. You were trying to help. She’ll see that once she gets past you going behind her back, which was stupid by the way.”
I groan, letting my head fall back toward the ceiling. It’s the same thing I did all night—stare at the ceiling, praying Sarah would see I was just trying to help.
“Dude, at some point, you’re also going to have to tell her how you feel.”
I slowly pull my head forward and glare at him. “We’re not talking about this.”
He crosses his arms. “Are you going to deny it? No man looks like this,” he waves his hand at me. “Unless he’s sunk.”
I am not discussing my feelings about Sarah. That is for me to know, and I’m still figuring out what to do about it. I’ve tried showing her, and that only got me here—in deep shit.
I screwed up, but I’m navigating unchartered waters. I don’t know how to care for someone this much and not do everything I can to protect them.
“Man, you’ve gotta have a plan. This sitting here feeling sorry for yourself isn’t working for you. ”
“I don’t feel sorry for myself,” I spit. “I’m angry. I hurt her, and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. I can’t even blame her. I’d be fucking pissed if she’d done that to me. I acted without thinking, and I don’t do that.”
Carson’s mouth creeps into a smirk. “You just proved my point. We can’t stand it when the ones we love are hurting. You did the only thing you could to stop it. We don’t always think rationally in those situations, so the best you can do now is apologize.”
I have to quit being mad at myself and Sarah for not understanding that I did it for her. She said sometimes there isn’t anything we can do, which might be true, but I’m not good at that. I didn’t ask what she needed or how I could help. I just did what I thought I should. It’s how I’ve operated.
But she’s right. That’s not how it should be in a relationship.
“She said she wants to be with someone who does things together.” I drag my eyes to Carson’s. “I’ve never done that before.”
It feels ridiculous saying it out loud. I’m a grown-ass man, and I don’t know how to be a partner. But that’s what Sarah deserves, especially with everything she’s been through.
“Dude, that’s because you’ve never been one.
You raised Krissy on your own. You had to be on top of everything and in charge at all times.
You own this business, and we depend on you not to screw it up.
” He leans forward, resting his arms on his knees.
“But think about what it would be like to have someone like Sarah to help carry a bit of the load and who’ll walk through all the ups and downs with you. We need that. You need that.”
He shakes his head. “You’ve got to let her, though.”
I rest back in my chair, knowing he’s one hundred percent right. If I want Sarah, I have to let her in. She has to see I’m in this with her. All the way. Even when I mess up.
The metal door bangs closed, and Krissy appears in her scrubs. “I tried calling you.” Her eyes move to Carson and then back to me. “You all right?”
I nod. “Yeah. It’s. . .just been a shitty day.”
She steps into my office. “I uh. . .need to talk to you about something.”
“I’m gonna clean up and put my tools away.” Carson pushes out of the chair and slips past Krissy.
She stands on the other side of my desk. “Did you get your DNA results back yet?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“I looked online to see if I could check the status.” She pulls a folded paper from her purse and lays it in front of me. “I did a little more research. You won’t believe it.” Her eyes grow wide with excitement. “Look!” She points to the paper.
I pick it up, running my eyes over it.
“There’s someone in their database that matches my genome.” Her eyes grow even wider as if she’s willing me to catch up. “It’s not exact, of course, but it means we have a half-sibling out there, I think. Who knows? Maybe more than one.”
Her words rush at me a million miles an hour, but they hit a wall and explode.
“Can you even believe it? We could find out who our father is. I’m going to message them.”
Our mom never told us who our father was, and once I found out, I understood why. It’s why I’ve never told Krissy. I close my eyes, bracing for the impending blast from the cost of trying to protect someone.
“You can’t do that,” I say softly.
“I can. That’s part of this. If they agree to put their information out there, you can contact them.”
My heart begins to pound, and I feel like I could hurl. “No. You can’t contact them.”
She frowns, her head falling to the side. She stares at me, blinking a few times.
The silence is like the calm before the storm, eerie and imminent. I have no idea how to prepare her.
I want to kick myself in the face for not seeing this possibility .
She crosses her arms loosely as if she’s shoring herself up. “Why can’t I contact them?” Her question is soft, but demanding.
I drag my eyes to hers.
She straightens. “Slade, why can’t I contact them?” Her tone hardens.
I lean forward, resting my arms on my desk as if somehow it will provide grounding. “It’s not a good idea. It could impact. . .people.”
“Like who?” she snaps, her arms wrapping tighter around herself.
“You, for one,” I say, praying she’ll let this go, but I know better.
Her eyes flick between mine. “Somehow, this feels like just the warning before the blow.” Her eyes fall to the paper and then lift back to me. “We had a deal we’d never lie to each other, remember?”
“I haven’t lied to you.”
She huffs. “Then, you’d better tell me right now why I can’t contact this person who very clearly looks to be genetically related to me.” She points to the paper.
I run a hand over my face. “A lot of people.”
Her lips press together. “You know who our father is.”
I think it’s more of a revelation than a question, so I stay quiet.
She stares at me. Her eyes are hard but full of hurt. I hate myself.
“Who is he? He clearly has other children.”
She’s right. I’ve never lied to her, and I won’t now.
“It doesn’t matter. You are—”
She lets out a small huff as if I hit her in the stomach. “Like hell, it doesn’t. If it didn’t matter, you would’ve told me. I begged Mom to tell me, but she wouldn’t. How long have you known?”
“She never told me.”
Her stance softens only slightly, and I see that helps a little.
I think about what Sarah said about sometimes having to sit and be quiet when there’s nothing else to do. I can no longer protect Krissy, but I can sit with her in this.
“I overheard them talking when she was pregnant with you. I never knew who he was until then. ”
“Who is he?” It’s only a whisper.
I push out a breath. “Griffin Macavoy.”
She frowns, her eyes roaming. “The big shot lawyer?”
I nod slowly, giving her a second. “I don’t know the details, but he and Mom were. . .involved for years, I guess.”
“As evidence of me,” she says, clarifying. “So, he has other kids now?”
I grip the pen, knowing this won’t get any easier. “Then.”
She stares at me.
“He had another child then and was. . .married. Still is.”
She shakes her head in disbelief. “No.” She laughs, and it’s a bit hysterical. “No. There’s no way.”
I close my eyes. “He has two kids, actually.” I give her all of it.
She huffs, and it’s a whoosh of disbelief, her face falling into her hand. “She was protecting him.”
I know what it feels like to be slammed with the truth about someone you love so dearly. To find out they made decisions you can’t fathom or will never understand.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her question is hard and accusatory. “All this time.” Her arms fly out to the sides. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I give her the only truth I have. “It doesn’t do any good.”
Her eyes grow wide. “What? Not to know you are a product of a long-standing affair?!” She smiles, and it’s wild and filled with pain.
“Kris.” I don’t know what to say. “I never wanted you to know.”
She shakes her head and rips the paper off my desk, shoving it in her purse. “No, but you let me hope I was wanted and that somewhere out there was a man I could look up to.”
It’s a spear clear through that catches my breath and steals it.
She turns, storming out, and I pop out of my chair to follow her.
“Kris, wait.”
She spins back, stopping in the middle of the shop. “No. You had years to tell me this. Years, Slade.”
Carson stands at the workbench, his focus on Krissy .
My shoulders fall with so much regret, and my lungs try to recover from the piercing of her words. “I was trying to protect you.” It sounds like the lamest excuse after everything these past few days, but it’s what I thought I was doing.
She bites her lip to keep it from trembling. “All you did was protect their secret.” One tear spills out, and my chest caves in. “I thought we were always in this together. You are all I’ve ever had.” Her chin quivers as tears stream down her cheeks.
My throat might actually swell shut. “I didn’t want what they did to hurt you.”
She stares at me, struck by the truth.
This is exactly what I wanted to prevent. “I didn’t want you to think of her differently.” It’s only a whisper.
She presses her eyes closed, and she shakes her head. “No, Slade. The only one you’ve been protecting is yourself.”
It’s a fast jab to a fresh wound.
She turns, and Carson hurries to follow her, but he stops. I tip my chin, telling him to go.
He runs, and the door bangs closed. It matches the pounding in my head and chest.
I stare at the door, knowing exactly what Krissy is feeling, but on top of that, she trusted me, and I let her down.
All we had for so long was each other, and she depended on me to be the one to keep her safe. In this case, I didn’t do that.
The only one you’ve been protecting is yourself.
Her words stab me over and over again, and I wonder if they’re true. Maybe that’s all I’ve been doing this whole time, keeping myself from facing anything and everything where I risked being hurt. Maybe that’s why I went to Macavoy without telling Sarah—I’m afraid of losing her.
I clench my fist and realize I’m still holding the pen. I throw it across the room, and the door swings open.
Carson steps in, shaking his head. “She’s gone. ”
“She’s not ok.”
He runs a hand over his light scruff.
“I need you to check on her.”
He nods. “I’ll find her. You all right?”
Not even a little.
“Just make sure she’s good for a while.”
“You got it.” He grabs his keys and takes off.
I stroll back to my office, wanting to rip the whole damn thing to pieces, but it won’t help.
I drop into my chair, knowing I can’t fix this. At least, not yet. I rest my elbows on my desk and let my head fall into my hands. My throat aches, and for the first time since my mom died, my eyes fill with tears while I drown in remorse.
I have no fucking clue what to do now.