Chapter 46
SLADE
I sit on the edge of my bed and run my hand through my damp hair. I dial Krissy again, but she doesn’t answer. I squeeze my phone, wanting to throw it across my room.
I stare into the dark space. I can’t stand sitting here, unable to do a damn thing. My stomach squeezes tight, and my forearms hit my knees, feeling like I might hurl.
I inhale and exhale. My chest is so tight that the pressure is painful. I rub at the spot in the center, thinking the same thing I’ve thought all evening—Sarah.
The minute Krissy stormed out, she’s who I wanted to call. I wanted to hear her voice and have her hug me like only she does. The kind of hug that makes me think she might hang on and not let go.
I need her to tell me that Krissy will forgive me and that eventually, she’ll understand why I didn’t tell her about Macavoy and our mom.
But Sarah can’t do that because I haven’t shared any of it. I’ve not really told her anything.
Krissy is right. I’ve been protecting myself with Sarah, keeping her at arm’s length to ensure she doesn’t get close enough to hurt me. All that’s done is push her away.
I press my fist to my forehead, wanting to yell. I want to walk across the street and tell her how sorry I am and beg her to forgive me .
I glance at the time on my phone and blow out a breath. It’s after eleven.
Fuck it.
ME: Are you awake?
I wait for the three dots, hoping they’ll appear. When they don’t, I drop my phone on the bed beside me. I lie back, my throat burning with fear.
My phone vibrates. I roll up, blinking my eyes clear.
SARAH: Yeah.
My heart pounds, but this time with the tiniest bit of hope.
ME: Can I come over?
SARAH: Now?
ME: Yes.
She doesn’t respond right away. My phone slips in my sweaty palm while my pulse echoes in the silence.
SARAH: Sure. See you at the back door.
I tug on a sweatshirt and slip on my tennis shoes. The freezing air stings my nose and lungs as I make my way down my driveway and up Sarah’s.
I knock lightly on her back door, and she pulls it open. Her hair is a messy pile on top of her head, and she looks half asleep.
She wraps her arms around herself.
I suck in the icy air and hold it until my abs beg for relief. “Can you just. . .not be mad at me for a little while?” I choke out the vulnerability that dares to escape with desperation .
I want to grab her and never let her leave me.
Her brow scrunches, and her head falls to the side, staring at me. Then, she reaches out and grabs my hand, pulling me inside. Just her touch eases the grip of panic, choking me.
She closes the door and locks it. Grover sits at my feet, his tail thumping against the floor, and Sarah hushes him.
“Are you ok?” Her soft question ignites the wildfire in my throat and lungs all over again.
I shake my head. “Krissy—”
“Is she ok?” She steps closer, suddenly alert.
I nod. “She’s ok. I just . . . She found out Macavoy is our father.”
Sarah’s shoulders fall, and I hear her exhale. “Did you tell her?’
I nod again. “She’s. . .really angry. I’ve always done everything I could to protect her, but I kept this from her.” The painful truth ricochets through me.
Her gaze drops from mine, taking it in. “She’s hurting, and you’re an easy target. She may not see it now, but you are protecting her. You’re giving her the truth.”
I drop my head, wondering if there’s any possible way Sarah will eventually see that I was only trying to help her. “But I didn’t tell her until I was forced to. It’s not the same.”
She moves into me, sliding her arms around my waist and pulling me close.
I’m so shocked it takes me a second to wrap mine around her, warming to the security I’m beginning to realize I only feel when I’m with her. Almost as if it’s ok not to have to be strong every moment.
We stand in her dark kitchen for a long time, her holding me tightly. Eventually, her arms slip away, and I’m not ready to let her go. But instead of pulling completely away, her hand slips into mine. She turns, tugging me toward the living room.
‘Sarah—”
She twists, pressing her finger to her lips. “It’s late, and you need to sleep,” she whispers .
I follow, not having the energy to argue, as she bypasses the couch and guides me down the hallway into her bedroom. Grover’s nails click on the floor behind me.
I stop in the doorway. “Sarah.”
She ignores me, lying down on the side of the bed closest to the door.
I stand there, knowing this is never how I wanted it.
“Slade, get in bed so Grover will settle down and not wake Ollie.” It’s a bit of an order, and at a different time, I’d smile.
I could go home, but I don’t want to. All I want is to be near her.
“Slade.” She says my name with more force.
I tug off my sweatshirt and lie down beside her, placing my hand behind my head. I stare at her ceiling with Sarah’s scent wafting around me, and it’s calming.
I search for the words I’ve longed to say.
“I’m. . .so sorry,” I whisper, and it sounds ridiculously simple. It doesn’t even begin to describe my remorse for making her feel like I didn’t respect her.
Her hand finds mine, and her other wraps around my forearm.
I inhale, wanting to explain but not really knowing where to begin. “I’m not good at just sitting still when someone I care about needs help.”
She inches a little closer, and her body presses against my side. I try to figure out how to give her a part of myself, wanting her to know me.
I don’t know what to say, so I just start. “I wanted to be an engineer. I got accepted into an elite program, so Mom didn’t tell me she was sick until it was too late.”
I can still hear her voice on the other end of the phone. “I dropped out of school when she called and told me her time was limited. We brought her home from the hospital, and all I could do was watch her suffer and wither away. I couldn’t do anything to make it better.”
Sarah’s fingers slip between mine, and she tucks our hands to her chest .
“Melissa was her nurse and was good with Krissy. Did her hair and made her laugh when she wouldn’t even talk to me. She was. . .a distraction and a bright spot when everything else was dark and hard and scary. I felt less alone, facing everything that was coming.”
The tightness in my chest eases a little. “When I told my mom Melissa was pregnant, she was so happy.” I can still see her smile as she held my face and told me what an amazing father I’d be, wishing she’d be around to see it.
I take a moment to breathe through the memory, and as if Sarah senses it, her hand spreads flat across my heart.
“She was getting a glimpse of what would be after she was gone. It was the only thing I could do to make any part of her dying even a tiny bit less terrifying. She knew we’d be ok.
” A giant lump forms in my throat, and I take a moment.
“But it never came to be like I’d told her it would. I felt like I’d let her down.”
It’s the truth I’ve never admitted out loud. I felt like I’d lied to her about the one thing that brought her a final moment of joy.
I think about my mom and how she fought to be strong, not wanting Krissy or me to see her fear.
She was always like that, never letting us see her struggle.
But I heard her soft words at night on the phone with Macavoy and the hushed sound of her cries that followed, shielding us from her pain and disappointment.
She sacrificed so that we always had what we needed and worked hard to love us enough for two parents.
“I miss her,” I whisper the hidden truth. “She wasn’t perfect, but she loved Krissy and me.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. “Macavoy used her for so long. I didn’t know until I overheard them when she was pregnant with Krissy.
He was angry and told her she’d done it on purpose.
I guess she was his receptionist before I was born.
I never knew until then, and I didn’t ask questions, hoping I could forget.
I hated her for a while, knowing she’d been with him even though he had an entire family. ”
Her fingers pinch my shirt. “I spent years thinking about the women Miles had been with and how there was no way they didn’t know I existed. He always told me it was just sex. It didn’t mean anything. For him, that was probably true, even with me.”
I can’t stand to think about her with him.
“But I find it hard to believe that it didn’t mean anything to any of those women.
I almost hurt for them.” Her voice is so soft.
“They weren’t doing it to cause me pain.
They were satisfying a desire with a man they believed wanted them.
I’m sure he told them as much, and it’s painful to be rejected, especially when you’re infatuated with the idea of who someone is and what could be. ”
I want to see the world the way Sarah does. To have enough insight and reflection to embrace the humanity inside things that cause heartache.
“I couldn’t understand the hold he had over her, and then, it was just easier to hate him.
I didn’t want Krissy to see that part of her—the one who loved a man who would always choose someone else over her.
I wanted to leave Krissy with all of the good and beautiful things. It’s all I could give her.”
“I think you’ve given her a lot more than that.” Sarah’s fingers draw across my forehead, brushing my hair away.
I close my eyes, wanting it to be true.
“She’s angry and confused, and you have to let her be,” she whispers. “That’s a lot to absorb, and you can’t rush it. She has a lot to grieve, and you need to be there when she’s ready to talk to you or yell at you.”
“I don’t want her to hurt,” I offer quietly.
“I know you were trying to protect me, too.” Her soft words pinch that bruised place in the center of my chest that aches so damn bad it’s all I can do to breathe.
I turn onto my side, facing her. “I was, but. . . I should have let you make that move if you wanted to. I didn’t think. I just acted. Did the one thing I could. ”
She curls into my chest, and I slide my arm around her, holding her close. I press my lips to her forehead, and it gives me hope that at least this will be ok.
“Slade, I need you to be in this with me. We have to work through things together.”
“I know. I’m not used to that, but I’m trying.”
“I’m still a little mad. I was so angry at you, and yet I wanted to talk to you at the same time.”
My aching heart stutters, and I pull away to look at her. “You did?”
Her chin lifts, and I can barely make out her eyes.
She nods. “Yeah. You kind of suck. You know that?”
I huff a laugh and pull her back to me. She buries her face in my chest, and I just listen to her breathe.
“Everything is going to be ok,” she whispers.
My throat burns, and I close my eyes. I need that to be true. I have to know that she and the kids aren’t going anywhere and that, at some point, Krissy will forgive me.
Eventually, I feel her relax and listen to her soft, sleepy breaths, willing them to drown out the noise inside me.
I lie there, hoping that if I give Krissy time, she’ll see that it doesn’t matter. She and I are still the same, and I will always be here.
And this, holding Sarah, I never want to be without it again. So, I’ll try my damnedest to do this working together thing, no matter how foreign it is.
Like Alex said, if there’s anyone I want to be scared with, it’s Sarah. Maybe this is the first step in showing her I can do that.