Chapter 38
Chapter thirty-eight
“A sort of gray air clouds the days after Christmas, and I find myself quite cross at the weather, my brothers, myself, and even the good Lord above.” – from the diary of Oren Byrne, age fifteen.
Life was horrible. I sat in the parlor, staring out at the snowy grounds. The weather was clear for once, which was shocking. It had snowed almost constantly, making Christmas even more bleak than it needed to be.
I’d been correct in assuming that Georgie and Frances would be put out with Aidan for leaving their husbands behind, though it wasn’t like Cethin and…
Abnus could’ve flown back with them. Nonetheless, they were both furious with Aidan, regardless of his assurances that Thomas and Whit were perfectly safe.
Cold metal bit into my skin, and I looked down. The ring I’d bought from Dris was on my finger. Round and round, I twisted it, much like my heart twisted in my chest.
It had been three weeks. I’d healed thanks to Crown Princess Enah, who Cethin had brought back from the fae realm to save me, though I had a few scars from the deepest cuts.
Not even magic was able to free me of what happened that night.
I still awoke sometimes feeling the bite of Mrs. Maher’s blade, and worse yet, I felt something new growing in my gut.
A darker, more potent sensation than I’d ever experienced, and it terrified me to my core.
I had yet to speak of it to anyone, even Aidan, because I feared I knew what it was.
Much like Ilene Maher, necromancy ran in my blood.
And over the last three weeks, I’d had so much silence and stillness that I was able to truly contemplate everything.
The uncanny feeling when I looked at the woods.
The skeleton beckoning me from the graveyard.
Mr. Hillridge saying that it was I who’d freed him.
How I had always spotted Rachel outside.
I feared the same taint that so corrupted Harriet Byrne and Ilene Maher also flowed inside of me. Even now, I could sense the graveyard and the bodies that were still being re-buried.
I needed to tell someone, and I had plenty of choices.
Phineas and Sevrin hadn’t left, waiting for Thomas and Whit to return as well as comforting me.
Nevan and Neil were here, trying to convince Aidan to invest more in whatever their current scheme was.
Mother and Father were present, though they seemed oddly lost in each other. And of course there was Aidan.
Aidan was always around, staring at me. I had no idea what it was that he wanted from me, but he never seemed to stop looking in my direction when we were in the same room, which wasn’t often, because I quite tried to avoid him whenever possible.
Georgie and Frances were about, but I didn’t often share matters of my heart or great concern with them. Even though they were peeved, both of them would listen to me and comfort me as best they could.
Only one in the house remained who I could not speak to and one I did everything in my power to not be alone with, no matter the circumstances.
Cethin was furious with me. He flew between the Night Court and Sídhetír with some regularity, from what I understood.
He was currently the only fae that Aidan was permitting in and out.
But Cethin was checking on his cousin, who wasn’t allowed.
My refusal to see Abnus had caused some strife between Aidan and Cethin, though I hadn’t been privy to any of their fights. The weather and each of my brothers’ reports of overhearing yelling had been enough to tell me I’d caused a problem.
It wasn’t difficult to guess exactly what the fight was in regards to.
Aidan was protecting me and honoring my wishes as he’d always done, and Cethin was trying to protect his cousin, who was now tied to me.
I understood enough of the mate mark to know that Abnus needed me.
He would be unable to resist coming to me.
This stall tactic was just that. A stall. It couldn’t go on indefinitely, and I didn’t intend to try. One day soon, I was going to have to let Abnus return and face him and the consequences of Aidan loving me too much.
I didn’t recall much of my time in Iris’s cabin, except the cold and exhaustion that had supplanted the pain, but I knew Abnus and Aidan well enough to know that somehow Aidan had forced him into marking me.
Abnus had stated that he would only marry his fated mate, and now we were as good as married in his culture.
All my life I’d craved freedom and choices to forge my own path, to stand on my own feet, but it wasn’t possible. Freedom and choice were an illusion, and my overprotective brothers had been replaced by an overprotective husband. Worst of all, the man I loved didn’t love me back.
How was I supposed to live with that?
I didn’t know that I could. It would be a thorn in my heart that would dig deeper with each inhale, and with each year that passed, its toxin would grow, spreading resentment between Abnus and I until we didn’t recognize each other or ourselves.
It was a curse, this mark on my arm. How I’d craved it, wanted it, longed for it, and now that I had it, I understood the cost and the fact I’d stolen something so precious from Abnus, which would never be repaid or replaced.
Oddly enough, some deep and bitter part of myself wished that I, not Aidan, was Lord of Sídhetír as I’d thought I was supposed to be since I’d been born.
Perhaps that magic would’ve spared me? No, it wouldn’t have, because it hadn’t saved Aidan.
But if I’d been lord, Abnus and I would’ve never been.
And the tendre that I’d formed for him would’ve faded to dust.
I glanced at Aidan, who skillfully played the pianoforte, his long fingers gliding over the keys. I’d never been able to play. I hadn’t dedicated the time, even though Mother had tried to force me to.
Just as I’d failed in pianoforte, Aidan had excelled.
He played with an easy skill that would never make him a concert pianist, but that would always serve him well as host of a party.
Much like I lacked a musical gift, never would I have been as good as lord as Aidan.
He succeeded so easily. Not trouble. No sadness.
No anxiety. No worries. Nothing. I hated him for it, which was petty, but I was feeling petty these days.
The keys clanged, making me wince.
“Enough, Oren,” Aidan snapped. “Enough. You’re sulking. Even now, Abnus is banging on the fucking gate, demanding to be let in.”
I glared at him, annoyed by his very presence. “You don’t have to stay with me if I’m inconveniencing you, Your Lordship.”
Aidan growled. “You are being a fucking child. I’m sorry Abnus had to save your life, but don’t you think I of all people understand what it feels like to have something so wholly unexpected and perhaps unwanted thrust upon you?”
“You understand nothing,” I yelled, standing. “You and your perfect mate and perfect abilities. You know nothing about me, Aidan.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I was supposed to be Lord of Sídhetír!” The words ripped out of me. Every pain, disappointment, and fear racing to the forefront. We’d never talked about this because I hadn’t wanted to hurt Aidan, but I couldn’t stop the bitter resentment from pouring out.
“You never wanted to be lord, Oren. I had no more choice in this than you. I never wanted this. I didn’t ask to be your brother.”
His words stabbed my sensitive, worthless heart, and I wanted to hurt him.
I wanted to rip him to pieces. I wanted him to feel as worthless as I was.
“Well, you’re only my brother in blood anyway.
I never thought of you as my family. You’re none of our family.
You’re the bastard child we had to accept. ”
Aidan recoiled from me, panting.
“Sídhetír was meant to be mine, and you stole it. Now what do I have? Nothing. I am a stranger in my own home.”
“That is your own fault,” he snapped, coming closer as the room darkened with the gathering clouds.
“You have been a damn ghost. Vanishing from us. These last three months I’ve barely seen you.
You don’t talk to me. You don’t listen to me.
You abandoned me, Oren. I am the brand new lord, and you have left me. ”
“Well, you took over with perfect ease.”
“What?” he growled.
“Everything you do is perfect. You find your perfect mate. You master the magic of Sídhetír with perfection. You lead with ease. Everything just falls your way. You know nothing about how I feel, Aidan. I feel like a piece of shit that was left over. I was unneeded. The fake.”
“You are an idiot.”
“I beg your pardon.”
“Cethin mated me without permission. Do you know how hard it was to forgive him? I hated him at times. Even now, sometimes I get mad. We fight. A lot. We’re married. Yes, we love each other, but it is far from perfect. And Sídhetír? Take a look outside.”
It was dark and snow had started to fall at an alarming rate.
“I lose my temper all the time. Everyone from Jonathan to the footmen complain about me. The villagers call me the worst Lord of Sídhetír to have ever been born. They call me the Byrne Bastard behind my back. I hear on a daily basis about how they wish you had been lord.
“You know what else happens on a daily basis?” he snapped, voice growing in volume. “Jonathan calling me an idiot. ‘Oren mastered this by the time he was ten, Aidan,’ or ‘You can’t do the basic accounts,’ or ‘God, I wish you were Oren.’”
Tears streamed down Aidan’s face as he screamed at me, “I am alone, Oren. I am absolutely alone with a man who doesn’t care about me but has to pretend to be my father every fucking day.
“All of you have abandoned me to him, leaving me to face someone who hates me, and I have to hear how I am failing at everything. I’m so overwhelmed and alone.
Then you stopped talking to me or even fucking looking at me.
My one lifeline. My one reason for fucking doing this, and you couldn’t be bothered.
“Cethin’s mad because I won’t let Abnus in, because I’m protecting you. He is barely speaking to me, and when he does, we fight. And I’m doing all of this, every single thing for you, Oren. You, who don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about me.”
His eyes closed. “All I wanted was you, Oren. I wanted my best friend. I needed my best friend, but I didn’t wish to be a burden to you, when I took everything so you could be free, so you could be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
The backs of my eyes burned.
“So no,” he said, “everything’s not perfect.” Aidan headed toward the door. “All I did was try to protect you and make you happy. It appears I have failed in that regard as well.”
When the door closed, my knees wouldn’t hold my weight anymore, and I sank to the ground and wept.