Chapter 39
Chapter thirty-nine
“Apologizing is a bitter medicine. I don’t like it, but I try to do it quickly and in one serving.” – from the diary of Oren Byrne, age nineteen.
Ispent the rest of the day in my room, vacillating from guilt to anger. I knew Aidan hadn’t asked to be Lord of Sídhetír, and I knew he hadn’t wanted the burden, but it hurt. I didn’t even understand why. I’d hated being the heir, though now I was viciously mad that Aidan had taken it.
If I had been the Lord of Sídhetír, I would’ve had a place to belong, instead of floundering, especially in the wake of Abnus doing the one thing he didn’t want to do.
In the end, this truly came down to how I felt. Inadequate. All my life, I had felt like I wasn’t enough to bear the burdens foisted upon me and that hadn’t changed, though now I was hurting Abnus and Aidan who were the two most important people to me.
And yet… and yet, damnit all, I was still so mad. I was furious Abnus had marked me without thought for himself. He’d sworn to only want to marry his mate, and now, he had engaged himself to me.
Aidan was still the lord, not I. This was his home, not mine. This was his life, not mine. It was jealousy, pure and simple. Aidan had all that I now wished for.
Though that wasn’t the truth, either. I’d never wanted Sídhetír, not once, but now that it wasn’t mine…
I scrubbed a hand through my hair. I truthfully didn’t know what I did or didn’t want. I was a blubbering mess who was hurting all of those around me.
The door creaked open, and I opened my mouth to shout at whoever it was, but the words froze in my throat.
Cethin stood in the doorway, his black eyes cold.
His glamour had faded, leaving his tall black horns visible, his features sharper, and his claws long and deadly looking.
Cethin loved Aidan with abandon, and I had hurt him. Terribly.
“I am not here to kill you, Oren,” he said, and I shuddered at my name. He usually called me the brother of his mate.
“Then why are you here?” I asked.
“Sídhetír is the one who alerted Aidan, not Abnus.”
“What?” My breath whooshed out. Sídhetír had heard me? They had heard me?
Cethin said, “Abnus was still asleep when Aidan bolted up in bed. Sídhetír woke him because you were bleeding and asking for help.”
Sídhetír had indeed heard me. Something clenched in my gut. They had heard me and sent Aidan. They hadn’t abandoned me. Somehow, the land still cared for me, even though I wasn’t the one who could communicate with it.
“You might not consider Aidan your brother, but he considers you his.”
I winced. I’d lied to hurt him.
“He loves you, Oren. If there is a single person he cares about more than me, it would be you. He will never allow anything to happen to you. He will protect you even to his own detriment. He will guard your happiness more fiercely than his own. No, he will sacrifice his happiness for yours.”
“I never asked for that.”
Cethin scoffed. “You sure as hell don’t deserve it.”
I glared at him, his words cutting deep.
His smile turned cruel. “Aidan is a far better person than you, Oren, and a far better lord.”
“You’re biased.”
“True, but since you don’t consider him your brother, there is no reason for him to protect you or for him and I to be fighting over you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Abnus.”
I shook my head.
He prowled closer. “I know something you don’t know.”
I swallowed, my pulse rabbiting in my throat. “You know many things that I do not.”
“True.” He pushed his white hair over his shoulder. “Have you still not guessed why I wished for you to marry Abnus?”
“What does that matter now?” I asked, clutching my left arm.
“I suppose it doesn’t and it does all at the same time.”
I glared at him. “If you are going to spout riddles, leave. I don’t want to deal with you.”
Cethin merely laughed, and I shook my head. I truly didn’t understand how Aidan found him attractive. Abnus had his rough moments, but he was far softer than Cethin.
“Did you know the Byrne family mark among the fae is a seven pointed star?”
My hand went to the blue one on my heart.
“Aidan’s is red as blood, just like the one on the gate. Curiously, Abnus’s mark has an icy blue star. I always wondered why his resembled mine when we were young men. I assumed, that much like me, his mate resided with the humans, with one of Byrne family.”
My pulse elevated, thundering in my ears. “What are you saying?”
“You are Abnus’s fated mate.”
“No. He would’ve claimed me like you did Aidan. He wouldn’t have waited.”
“My cousin is far less selfish and far more controlled than I. He didn’t claim you because you were the heir.”
“And after?” I asked, fearing I knew the answer.
“He knew you wanted to go to school. He was giving you time, and the true romantic that he is, Abnus wished to win your heart, not force your hand. I was far more selfish. I wanted what I wanted. He wanted your choice.”
“Does Aidan know?”
“Yes, but not until recently. He suspected something, but I wouldn’t reveal it, because Abnus asked me not to. But when Abnus marked you and Aidan saw the tattoo on your skin, he knew.”
Anger pulsed in time with my heart. Aidan hadn’t told me.
“He cast Abnus out of Sídhetír because you asked.”
Aidan should’ve told me; he should’ve stopped me.
“He wanted to give you your freedom and dream because he could have neither. We fought. We’ve been fighting since about you.
Now, since you don’t care about Aidan, I don’t care about you.
Mate Abnus or not. You have no choice now.
He will claim you, and Aidan doesn’t have to waste his time on you.
Problem solved.” Cethin left without a word.
Red lined my vision as I panted. I stormed out of my room, blowing past Thomas and Whit, who’d arrived not long ago. I slammed the door to Aidan’s bookroom open, and he looked up from behind the desk.
“You fucking bastard,” I snarled at him.
“We’ve established I’m a bastard,” Aidan said coolly.
“You kept Abnus from me.”
His eyes closed as he said tightly, “You asked me to.”
“You hid the fact I was his mate.”
Aidan stood up, chair crashing into the bookshelf. “I learned at the same time as you, Oren. You knew he was your fucking mate because he marked you.”
“I didn’t know he was my fated mate.”
“Oh, bleeding hell, Oren. That’s semantics. You knew Abnus had claimed you, and now, you’re blaming me again for doing what you asked? You asked me to protect you, and I did, as I always have.”
“I wanted Abnus to love me, and I wanted to be his fated mate.”
“Well congratulations, you got what you wanted.”
“You should’ve stopped me from sending Abnus away and told me the truth.” I was so angry I was shaking. I needed someone, anyone to take the pain.
“You want the truth, Oren?” Aidan asked quietly. “You don’t know what you want.”
“I do.”
He shook his head. “No. You want to go to school, and yet you're mad at me for being the lord instead of you. You want freedom, and yet, you’re mad I have protected you from the burdens of this place.
You wish to be independent, and yet want to be protected from every mistake.
You want Abnus, and yet, you are mad that you have him.
“You, my dearest brother, have no idea what you want, and I cannot help you find out what you need.”
I felt a tear sliding down my cheek. I was so angry, but I knew that anger wasn’t directed at Aidan, not in truth. It was at me.
“I don’t know.”
Aidan took a step closer to me. “That’s alright.”
“You have it all figured out.”
He laughed without a trace of humor. “I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
I cannot even balance the accounts. Neil and Nevan refuse to properly explain anything.
Jonathan is frustrated with me. Cethin is mad I’m hurting Abnus to protect you.
Even Hester is annoyed because Cethin refuses to take on any matters of the estate.
It bores him.” Aidan closed his eyes. “I feel as if I’m drowning, Oren. Downing under burdens I never wanted.”
I was across the room and hugging him before I could even think. Aidan wrapped his arms around me and sagged against my chest, letting me support him, letting me carry some of the burden, and that thought brought tears to my eyes.
“Let me help you,” I said. “Please.”
He sobbed. “Thank you.”
Warmth rushed under my skin. Much like a full fae, Aidan was bound to his words and his debt. I hauled him closer, arms trembling a tad, for my elder brother was far taller and broader than I.
“I’m so sorry, Aidan,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you.”
Aidan didn’t reply, but I felt the tears continue to soak my clothes.
“I’ve felt inadequate my whole life, and it seemed like you stepped into my place with ease, and that hurt.
” I pushed him back so I could stare into his green eyes that were the exact same as our father’s.
“You are my brother, and you always have been, even before we knew the truth of it. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I can never apologize enough.”
“I knew you didn’t mean it.”
I lightly laughed. “That’s because you know me better than anyone, even better than I know myself.”
Aidan pulled me back into his arms. “I love you, Oren, you know that, right?”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes. “I know. And I love you.” I sniffed. “Your mother told me something once.”
“What?” he asked, pulling back slightly to look at me. We never talked about his mother much, even though I knew Aidan missed her fiercely.
“She said soul mates come in every variety and not all are romantic. I didn’t truly understand her, then. I do now.”
He smiled, holding my face. “You are more dear to me than anyone.”
“As are you.”
I returned to holding Aidan in my arms. “I’m sorry,” I said again. “I should have seen that you were drowning, but all I saw was my own fear of being superfluous."
“I will always need you.”
“I will always need you,” I said, as tears slid down my cheeks.
“Those fuckers,” Aidan growled, and I laughed.