Beau
Birdie hadn’t got any fucking color back in her cheeks. Not throughout dinner, where I watched her push her food around her plate. Not when she hugged my family goodbye and we started the walk back home. Not even as she took Juniper from my arms, holding her close to her heart.
“There’s a couple of boxes.”
My eyes dropped from her face, searching across the porch as we walked closer to the house. Sure as shit, there were two small boxes sitting right by the front door.
“Hm. I’ll grab them.” I covered the small of her back as she walked up the front steps, heading in while I stopped for a second before bringing the boxes inside.
“Since she ate just before we left, I’m going to see if I can’t get her to sleep for a bit. She’s already in her jammies…”
“Sounds good to me. You want me to come up?” I asked.
Her bottom lip went between her teeth as she gently rocked Juniper back and forth. I wasn’t even sure she was aware it was happening; her mind and body just naturally did whatever it could to comfort Juniper. “Would it…would it be okay for me to just have a few minutes?”
“Of course. But we’re still going to talk about it tonight, okay? I don’t want you going to bed this upset.”
“Okay.”
Walking into the kitchen, my heart was heavy with the realization of what I was carrying. I sliced along the taped seam of the box, closing my utility tool and sliding it back into my pocket before walking back to the living room.
The first box I opened had pain searing the back of my throat.
Rosa’s ashes had been placed inside a beautiful, walnut box that featured carved roses on the top and sides.
I’d selected it when making the arrangements for her cremation, but I didn’t stop to think about how it would actually feel to hold on to once it was here.
On one side, the side I was assuming should be placed forward facing, was her name and the years she’d lived. Just thirty-three of them.
“I hope I’m doing okay with her. I hope that wherever you are, you can feel how much I love her.
How I’d do anything to keep her safe. How she means everything to me.
” My whispered words weren’t met with any sort of divine acknowledgment.
They weren’t met with a warm feeling, or a sudden breeze that made my skin pebble.
But there was a band around my heart that loosened, even if it was slightly.
“She’s at home here. With me and Birdie.
And now you’re home, too. I’ll always talk to her about you.
We’ll do everything we can to keep your memory alive for her.
I wish I knew more about you. I wish you’d let me be there.
But Birdie helped me understand. And I forgive you. ”
I placed the wooden box down on the table, letting my fingers run over the carved edges before turning to the next package I needed to open.
There was no doubt in my mind what the second box was filled with.
I already knew this inconceivably small box was all that the state of Texas deemed necessary for my daughter to get from her mother’s estate.
Pulling the cardboard flaps open, I was greeted with a picture frame, and my fingers shook as I reached in to pull it out.
The woman I’d spent one night with was looking back at me, her hand on her rounded abdomen.
God. Juniper was in her belly there. I set it on the table, returning to the box.
This time there were a few loose pictures.
One of Rosa in the hospital. It looked like she’d taken it herself, Juniper resting on a pillow while Rosa’s arm cradled her. Was this taken the day she was born?
Another stack of pictures, all of Juniper and Rosa through the reflection of a mirror or framed-like selfies, completed the collection. And they tore my heart up, because they really had been all alone. Not a single picture in the collection made it seem like they had someone else to lean on.
I flipped the last picture over, not ready to accept that this was all we’d ever have to share with Juniper. I wasn’t expecting to see writing on the back. Writing that made my eyes well up with tears.
I groaned, pushing up from the sofa with the pictures still in my hand.
I took the wooden box with me, too, walking slowly up the stairs.
I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but I pressed open the door to Juniper’s room and walked over to the window where we’d set a small table next to the rocking chair.
I placed the urn on the table, and propped the photo of Juniper and her mom there, too.
My feet took me over to the crib where Juniper laid fast asleep, her rosy cheeks moving back and forth as she sucked on her pacifier.
I thought I knew what love was before she came into my life.
That I would do anything to keep the people who were important to me safe.
To care for them in any way I could. But with Juniper and Birdie, it was different.
They were everything to me. The thought of something bad ever happening to them made me feel like my chest might cave in.
I let my hand reach into the crib, my fingers gently brushing over the dark brown strands of hair on my daughter’s head.
“Love you, berry girl. I loved you from the very first minute I knew about you. I hope you always know that.”
“What was in the boxes?” Birdie asked, taking her wrist brace off at the sink in our bathroom.
I cleared my throat. “Rosa’s ashes. They came today.”
“Oh.” Her eyes searched mine through the mirror. “Are you okay?”
“I’m glad she’s here. For Juniper. Is it weird for you?”
“Not at all! You knew her for one night, Beau, and it resulted in the most amazing little girl who is now counting on us to keep her mother’s memory alive for her. I think Rosa’s ashes being here is the best outcome for this situation. Where did you put the urn?”
“The, uh, state finally sent some things from Rosa for Juniper to keep. That’s what was in the other box. So I brought it all up to Juniper’s room. Set it on the table by the window.”
“Oh my gosh. Were there pictures?” She had spun around to face me, excitement dancing in her eyes.
“Some.” I smiled. “There was one of Rosa pregnant, and one that looked like it was taken the same day Juniper was born.” I cleared my throat before my voice betrayed me.
“It’s okay to feel emotional about having those things for Juniper now. It’s wonderful that there were pictures. We’ll have to get them into special frames for her room.”
“You’d want to do that?”
Her eyes went wide. “We aren’t hiding her mother from her. I want Juniper to grow up knowing everything she can about Rosa. Maybe one day when she is older, we can do some sort of family tree research. Or use a DNA database to see if there are any distant familial matches for her out there.”
“But you're going to be her mom…”
“Yes, I get to have the absolute privilege of being her mama. But I’ll never be her biological mom. And I won’t take that truth away from her.”
“How the hell did I get so lucky?” I asked. “You just…accepted all this.”
Birdie shrugged. “Rosa did an amazing job for Juniper’s first four months of life. I’m going to do everything in my power to keep that trajectory going for our berry girl.”
I leaned in, pressing my lips to hers “I never did ask why you started calling her that.”
Birdie’s brows pulled together. “I don’t know. I felt like I looked into her eyes and it was just whispered into my heart that first morning. Why?”
“One of the pictures…Rosa had written on the back. It said, My berry girl. Four weeks old.”
“Oh my gosh, I just got chills.” Birdie’s hands wrapped around my arms. “That’s something else we can share with her. The precious little nickname that was whispered to me from her mom.”
I nodded, that damn lump in my throat not clearing, no matter how hard I tried to swallow it down.
“I love you, you know that, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“You know that I’m so grateful to have you? That I can’t imagine surviving one single day without you by my side?”
“Beau…”
“No, Chickadee. We talked about my stuff. Now we’re going to talk about what’s going through that beautiful noggin of yours.”
I pulled my shirt over my head before undoing my belt buckle and shucking my pants off.
I turned back to the bathroom, winking at Birdie as her eyes raked over my body through the mirror.
I’d never get used to, or take for granted, that sexy little blush that bloomed across her nose and cheeks when she was turned on.
Especially when it was from looking at me.
“I was thinking…I could do it, you know?” Birdie’s voice traveled out from the bathroom as I grabbed two fresh towels from the closet.
She was still shaken up from the shooting the other night, and now what had happened with her patient had put her right back on edge.
But I had a plan. A very slippery, naked, sudsy plan that would most definitely help her relax, just like we’d been doing practically every morning and every night this week.
“Do what, baby?”
“I could open a place.”
I walked into the bathroom, set the towels down on the counter, and slipped my fingers under the clasp of her bra. A second later, I’d claimed my prize. My lips pressed against her neck as I let the fabric fall to the floor.
“What kind of place?” My teeth raked over her skin as I asked.
“Beau…,” she sighed.
“I just want to make you feel good. Can I?”
“Yes. But I—” She gasped as my hands cupped her breasts. “I need to think…for a second.”
“Can’t think while I touch you?” I chuckled.
“I can…it’s just about naughty things, and…ohhh.” Birdie’s breath caught as my kisses moved over her shoulder and onto her chest. “Beau, wait.”
Her fingers were in my hair, pushing my head away from her body.
“I can feel the stress in your body, baby. I don’t like it being there. Let me fix it.”
“Listen to me first. Please.”
I nodded, her fingers slipping out of my hair as I walked over to the shower and turned it on to the only temperature I knew was acceptable for her: scalding.
How women survived and enjoyed lobster steams like the one I knew I was about to step into, I would never understand.
But this was about to be a full-service night.
Her thighs might quake, but I wasn’t about to let it be from the cold air conditioning.
I moved back to her, just as Birdie slipped her fingers into the waistband of her leggings. The vibrations rose in my chest at the same time she froze, her eyebrow rising up in question.
“I’ll take care of those.”
Her face relaxed as she smiled, tipping her body toward mine. I made fast work of it, careful to ensure the fabric didn’t snag on her brace.
“I’m so sick of wearing that thing,” she sighed as I pulled at the Velcro. It had to come off for the shower, but I’d make sure she kept as much weight as possible off it. I could probably slip that leg over my shoulder and—
“Beau!” Her fingers slipped over mine, trapping them close to her skin. “Listen to me. Please.”
“I am listening. Unlike you, apparently, I can multitask.” I winked and tried to hold in my chuckle at the way she was scowling down at me.
“I want to do something. To help women in the community who need a safe place to go when things might be…bad.”
I nodded. “You have the most beautiful heart, Birdie. Do you know that?”
She shook her head. “It’s not that. It’s guilt.
Penance. I could have done more. I should have done more.
And this community should do more. I’m going to talk to Lacy.
She got that grant from Sebastian when he was starting Montgomery Defense to open Petals.
I was thinking we could use my house, but I don’t know if I can go back there all the time.
I think maybe we should start someplace fresh.
New. Like the new hope we’d be giving to the women who stayed there.
I could sell it, and we could roll the money into our first safe haven. ”
Lacy was married to one of Hawk’s best friends, Nash Caldwell, who also worked for Montgomery Defense, the security firm in Silver Springs.
“I think that sounds like the perfect idea. You can ask Lacy, or even Jessie. She helped Lach fill out the paperwork for his shop.”
“That’s right.” She nodded as she bit down on her lip. “You think it’s a good idea?”
“I think it’s a great idea. I just worry about you having all that on your plate, plus work, when everything gets cleared up at the hospital.”
Her eyes drifted toward the shower.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I don’t want to go back.”