Birdie
“You don’t want to go back?” Beau stared up at me, still kneeling on the floor in front of me. “Ever?”
“We’re wasting the hot water.” I was embarrassed.
I’d worked so incredibly hard my entire life to make something of myself.
All those years of struggling, juggling my responsibilities to Lainey and to my mom.
All those endless hours of studying and test taking and boards, when it came to finally being in a spot where my dream job was attainable.
But it all felt so arbitrary now. I was fighting this battle in my mind about who I wanted to be at this time in my life.
And all I knew was that I wanted to be the best example for Juniper.
I wanted to show her that it was never too late to realize you’re somewhere that doesn’t quite fit.
That dreams can change as we grow, and that when you feel called to help the world in a different way than what you first thought, it’s okay to pivot.
“Are you coming?” Beau’s question pulled me out of my downward spiral.
I stepped cautiously over to him, my ankle finally feeling like it was almost healed.
He held his hand out for me, which I was more than happy to take as we moved into the steam-filled shower.
Beau hissed as the water hit his back, spinning us so I was now under the hot stream.
It felt so good. I know he was suffering with the temperature for me, but it was honestly exactly what I needed at that moment.
He reached over, tugging my hair free from the tie that was holding it up in a bun. As his fingers massaged my scalp, he tipped my head back so my hair was thoroughly soaked through.
“Turn, so your back is against my chest,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m going to wash your hair.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I know I don’t,” he interjected. “I want to. Let me do this for you, baby.”
The reaction I had to that pet name should be studied, because as soon as he said it, there was a deep ache that sprang to life in my core. A pulsating desire that I knew wouldn’t be satisfied until he was deep inside me.
And judging from the way his dick poked at me as I turned, I wasn’t the only one affected by it.
“Ignore it, Birdie.” His gravel-filled voice did nothing to cool my overheated skin.
I reached out, turning the dial for the water temperature down.
The last thing I needed was to pass out before I got to tell Beau exactly what type of stress relief I needed.
The kind I’d been enjoying waking up to and falling asleep with, since our interrupted picnic under the stars.
My fingers dropped to the place between my legs that desperately needed some attention.
“No,” I pressed my ass against his erection, “I need you, Beau. I need you to quiet down the guilt in my mind. I need to just have a moment of calm. A moment of feeling good. Can we…”
“Are you asking me to make you feel good? Because I don’t think we’re done with our conversation yet.”
“I don’t want to be done. I just…I need you. Right now. Please.” My eyes dropped to the shower floor. “You said I wouldn’t ever have to beg.”
Beau’s fingers were back in my hair, softly guiding my head back so my neck was exposed to him. His lips were there in the next breath, sucking against my pulse point. The heartbeat in my neck was pulsing at the same rate as the pressure that was building low in my belly.
His free hand slid down my body, over my own hand, gently pushing it out of the way as he found the spot that still felt so heavy with need. With his finger swirling my clit, I felt the tip of Beau’s cock moving along my ass.
“Hands on the wall, baby.” The command was soft, but it still sent a shiver down my spine. I leaned forward, feeling his body come against mine, the warm water rushing over both of us.
He slid inside me in one push, the stretch sending my eyes rolling into the back of my head.
“Jesus, fuck, Birdie. You are a fucking dream.”
His hips moved slowly at first, teasing my body until I was so sensitive and worked up that I tried to take over, moving my body back and forth, trying my hardest to reach my climax.
Beau’s gritty laughter filled the shower.
“Faster, Beau. I need more…”
“No, Chickadee. I want to build it up for you. Slow and steady. I want…” Thrust. “To feel your body…” Thrust. “Buzz under my touch…” Thrust.
“Please…” I slipped my hand over his, trying to show him that I needed more from his touch. More pressure, more movement. I was about to go insane.
My teeth pulled at my bottom lip, my whole body jerking as he finally gave me what I wanted.
“I want to come inside you, Chickadee. Fill you up. Give you a baby.”
“Do it,” I moaned, my climax just out of reach.
Every inch of my body was trying to get there, the frantic pace of Beau pounding into me hurtling me towards a precipice I never wanted to float back down to Earth from.
“I’m so close. Give me what I want, Cowboy.
Give me what I need.” I was so close, tears pricked my eyes.
Some may have even escaped my lashes, mixing with the warm water cascading down over us.
I felt him spill inside me, my walls fluttering around him as my own orgasm took root. Pleasure rolled through my body from my toes, all the way up my body to the top of my head.
Beau’s head rested on my shoulder for a second while our breathing calmed.
“I’m sorry, Birdie. I shouldn’t have…we should have talked about that before I…”
I turned to face him, my legs still shaky. “I wanted you. Just like that. I needed that, exactly how it happened.”
“But we didn’t use protection.”
“Seems to be a theme with us,” I chuckled remembering this exact situation happening to us the past few mornings–and nights–while trying to gauge whether he was upset or not. “I’m at the end of my cycle anyway. It’s not likely that anything will happen.”
My hands reached out for his body wash, trying to not feel the emotion burning in my chest. My mind was suddenly sure he hadn’t been aware of what he was saying. That he didn’t actually mean he wanted to have a baby with me right now.
“Stop.” He took the body wash from me. “Look at me right now, Chickadee.”
I lifted my eyes to meet his. “I’m sorry if you did something you didn’t want to, just to make me feel better.”
“I did everything exactly how I wanted to—that’s the problem. I’m worried I pressured you, took advantage of you like I did in the field.”
“My God, Beau! You act like I’m some fragile flower when it comes to sex.
I’m so beyond okay with everything we’ve done, and I need you to trust me.
Seeking consent is so fucking sexy, and I know you would believe me the instant I said I didn’t want to do something.
So please believe me when I say that I’m okay, too. ”
He nodded. “I can do that.”
When our shower ended a few minutes later, Beau wrapped the towel over my shoulders, grasping the ends of my hair and squeezing the water out of them.
“Ready to talk about it?” he asked.
No. No, I wasn’t. Because I had no idea how to put what I was feeling into words. “I worked so hard for my career,” I started.
“I know you did.”
“I love what I do,” I whispered.
“I know you do.”
“So why is there a voice inside my heart screaming that I never want to go back? That what I want out of life isn’t there anymore?”
“You don’t have to decide anything tonight.
But I want you to know, you don’t ever have to go back to work if you don’t want to, Birdie.
You can stay home and be with Juniper. Or when everything is cleared up, you can start your own practice and kick ass taking care of the women in this community that way.
And if you want to work on a safe haven project, then sign me up, too.
Whatever feels right in your heart, I’ll always support whatever you decide. ”
And that reassurance was everything I needed.