Birdie
Ihanded a fresh cup of coffee to Colt and a glass of water to Violet before I sat down next to her on the sofa.
Beau’s encouraging words were still floating around in my head.
He was right. It felt right to move forward with the safe house project, even if it was just in my spare time while I tested out the waters.
“Have you heard anything about Alexis’s baby? Was she found?”
Colt’s eyes drifted to Violet and Connor before he cleared his throat and shook his head. “It’s awful, but the department, surrounding counties, even the feds sent in people to help. We’re not giving up hope.”
“I can’t believe it’s been a week now. And nobody knows where this guy is?”
“We’ve had a few leads, but nothing has really panned out.”
“God, it still makes me sick to my stomach to think about. And now, on your day off…,” I sighed. “I’m sorry you have to be here—”
“Knock that off right now.” Colt shook his head at me. “There is nothing more important than making sure everyone in this family is safe. Today’s my day to watch out for you, and that’s what I’m going to do.”
“Beau is being a little overprotective, though. I mean, we don’t even know what really happened in the field, and everything has been quiet around here since.”
“And it’ll stay quiet because I’m going to take this cup of coffee and sit on your porch looking menacing until Beau is back from whatever farting around he’s doing with the herd today.”
He smiled, his hand resting on Vi’s knee for a second before he got up and walked out to the front porch.
“I love that man so much, but I told him under no circumstance was he to stay in this house with us while we had girl time.”
“You don’t think he’s interested in hearing Jessie talk about her sex life with Hawk?”
Violet blushed, her eyes sparkling. “Oh, I bet that man would run out of this house screaming if she so much as mentioned kissing Hawk.”
I laughed, my eyes dropping to Juniper who was starting to fuss on her play mat. She was looking right at me, her little fist rubbing like crazy over her mouth.
“Oh, Juniper. It’s okay! I’m going to go fix your bottle right now, okay?” I looked at Violet, cupping my chest. “I don’t know how breastfeeding moms do it. Every time she’s cried the last few days, my boobs start aching like crazy! Are you okay staying with them while I fix her food?”
“Of course. But, what do you mean your boobs hurt?”
I stood, my hands still holding my breasts. When I pressed against them, that familiar ache that had been there all week was still there. “You know, they’re just sore. Like when they first start to grow at puberty. They just ache.”
“Oh, yeah. Does that happen with your period? I never had sore boobs until I got pregnant the first time. It was actually the symptom that made me freak out after I transferred Connor, because as soon as I felt it, I knew his embryo had implanted. I swear it happened even a few days before the test came back positive.”
“Huh.” I smiled as I pulled out my phone. I’d been using the same app to track my cycle for years, and butterflies erupted in my stomach as soon as I looked at the calendar.
It had been thirty-six days since my period.
Thirty-six. I’d had a twenty-nine to thirty-one day cycle since I was sixteen-years-old.
I would have laughed at Violet’s words, except my boobs had been killing me all week.
And I could blame being hyper emotional on everything that had been happening lately, but was it an extra week of PMS overwhelming me?
Or something else? I counted back the days to the first time Beau and I were together…
If I ovulated late, and the condom hadn’t worked…it was possible. I tossed my phone down on the coffee table, shaking my head.
“You okay?” Violet asked, placing her hand on my arm.
Connor screeched and smiled at Juniper, both of them working hard to reach the same toy at the center of the tummy time mat.
Connor was going to win, he was already bouncing his bum across the mat, but Juniper, not to be outdone, rolled with all her might.
“They’re so cute together.”
Vi smiled. “I didn’t think we’d have a cousin so close in age for him to grow up with. It’s wonderful! They’ll both be lucky to have Beckett to look up to.”
“Yeah.”
“So…about what I just mentioned?”
I let my eyes relax, the babies going blurry in front of me. “I’m late.”
“And you and Beau have…”
“Mhm. We weren’t reckless at first. But then we were…
a couple times. It could…I mean I could be…
I don’t have any tests here, though. I'll have to wait until I can get into town on my own. And with how much Beau has been hovering lately, if I am, I’ll probably be showing before I’m alone long enough to take a test.”
“Do you want me to run home and grab one?”
My eyes went wide, drifting back to Connor. “Are you…”
“Colt and I aren’t preventing anything. There are some studies that say fertility increases after you have a baby, and since he was our last embryo, it really is our only chance to give him a biological sibling.
There’s no pressure on it for us, though.
If it happens, it’ll be a miracle. If not, we’re so happy and perfectly content with the miracle we have.
But, I do have tests back at the house. If you want—”
I shook my head. “That’s so sweet, but you’re already here. And Colt would wonder…Maybe I’ll ask Jessie? She was waiting for Beckett to wake up from his nap to come over.”
“Okay.”
I picked up my phone off the coffee table.
Hey, are you still at home?
Beckett just woke up! Was about to put him in the car and drive over. What’s up?
Do you have any pregnancy tests at your place?
BIRDIE JUNE CALLOWAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN DO I HAVE ANY PREGNANCY TESTS AT MY HOUSE!!!!!
Before I could type out my response, Jessie had already responded.
But yes, I do. And I’ll bring one over. Or five. Ten? I’m coming right now! Well, in five minutes once Beckett gets done putting his shoes on because “I do it, Mama” is his favorite phrase right now.
Thank you! Just one is fine. I don’t think I am, by the way. Just more of making sure something Violet said isn’t actually happening.
Omg! Vi is already there, too!! Ford girls unite!! I’m coming! Get ready to see a cloud of dust barreling toward you!
“She’s something else.” Vi giggled.
“You might want to pick up Connor off the floor. I’m going to get Juniper’s bottle, but Jessie might be so spun up by the time she gets here, she trips right over him!”
“Good thinking.” Violet sat on the floor, her back pressed against the sofa as she pulled Connor onto her lap.
I was walking back to the living room with Juniper’s bottle in my hand a minute later when I heard a car door slam shut.
“Yeah hi, Colt. Get out of my way.” Jessie giggled as she burst through the door, leaving it wide open as she barreled towards us with Beckett on her hip.
“OH MY GOD!” she squealed. Colt’s shocked face peered in from his spot on the porch.
“Can you do it right now? I don’t think I can wait to…
you know?” Her eyes scanned over my face as she set her son on the floor, walking back to close the door.
“Bye, Colt.” Violet and I both laughed. “We’re happy about this, right? ” she asked as she walked towards me.
“I would love to be pregnant,” I let myself admit.
“Oh-kay…” The word was long and drawn out, and I knew she didn’t believe me. But it was true. I just couldn’t get past the fear of seeing a negative result.
“I just don’t think I am. I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“Nope. No. No sense fretting over things not going our way yet.” Vi patted my arm. “It might still be early. You could have ovulated later than you thought. So even if it is negative, you should test again in a couple of days.”
“Of course, but—”
“You don’t have to do this with us here.” Jessie’s face dropped as she spoke. “If you want to wait until you’re alone. I shouldn’t have assumed…”
I held out my hand, smiling as Jessie dropped the box into my hand like it was a bomb about to explode.
“I’m glad you both are here.” I passed Juniper’s bottle to Jessie. “She’s getting fussy, would you be able to—”
“You don’t even need to ask!! I’ve missed my sweet girl…”
Two minutes later, I walked out from the bathroom, the test in my hand. My legs were a little wobbly as I sat on the couch, placing the test face down on the coffee table.
“Thank God for those little plastic caps. I would die to see Beau’s face when he finds out your pee was touching his coffee table,” Jessie teased.
“He’d probably be into that, actually,” I joked.
Jessie's face fell in horror. “Oh my GOD, Birdie! Ew! I didn’t need to know that.”
“Payback for the sun room text you and Hawk dropped in the family chat.”
“You weren’t supposed to know what that meant…” Her whole face had gone red. “Oh shit, let me start the timer on my phone!”
“Why does this feel like we’re about to launch a rocket into space?” I asked.
The girls giggled, but Vi’s warm, emerald eyes were back focused on me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” I blew out a harsh breath, wiping my hands on my shorts. “I mean…I’m nervous. I’ve only been dating Beau for like three weeks. He just found out he’s already a dad. The timing is just…”
“Hey,” Jessie interrupted my spiral, “you guys took thirty years to get to this point. I think everyone, including Beau, is hoping the next phase of things is quicker. The two of you could probably announce you were getting married tomorrow, and no one would bat an eye. Things work out when you’re with the person you’re meant for.
We’ve all known it for years. It was about time you both caught up. ”
I laughed. “It does feel so right…I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous; I don’t want to mess it up now. I don’t want to get my hopes up, either.”
The timer sounded, and Violet’s hand landed on my shoulder.
“Ready?” Jess asked.
“As I’ll ever be.” I took the test and flipped it over, immediately looking for the two lines to show I was pregnant.
But in the window, clear as day, was only one.
“It’s negative,” I whispered as I stood, taking the test with me into the bathroom and throwing it in the trash can. There was no point in stalling. The girls already knew I’d wanted it to be positive.
“Birdie…” Violet’s soft smile greeted me as soon as I stepped back in the room.
“It’s okay, really. That would have been awful timing, with everything going on with my job and the newness of this next step in our relationship. Beau is just trying to settle into life with Juniper.”
“With Juniper and you.”
I bit my lip, praying the tears I could feel starting to press against my eyes would not fall.
“I really wanted to believe I might be pregnant.” My shaky voice cracked, and I pulled my feet up onto the edge of the sofa, wrapping my arms around my knees.
“I know exactly how that feels, so whatever you need to say, whatever you need to do right now, we’re good with that. Right, Jessie?” Violet’s hand was gently running up and down my arm.
“Whatever you need, Birdie.”
My eyes wandered to Juniper, almost asleep in Jessie’s arms.
“Beau keeps talking about having more kids, can you believe that?” I scoffed. “The man who cried while I rested my head on his chest when Juniper came home, because he was so worried he wouldn’t be enough for her, wants more kids.”
“He’s done a great job in such a tough situation, but I think more than that, you should be commended.” Violet’s hand squeezed my arm. “I can’t imagine how hard it is to be opening up your heart in so many new ways.”
I nodded. “In ways I have no guarantee will be permanent.” My chin wobbled and I dropped my eyes to my hands, picking the cuticle on my thumb.
“I don’t know how long I'll be in her life. In their life. It’s so silly, if someone would have asked me ten years ago where I imagined I’d be by now, I would have been so confident in saying I was settled down. Married…”
“To Beau?” Jessie smiled.
I nodded. “Yes, if I was being honest with myself. Then it would be so easy to admit it’s always been your brother for me.
And we would be living here on the ranch with our kids.
Beau would still be ranching, and I’d have my own midwifery practice.
But instead, I’m stuck in this in between where I desperately want to believe everything Beau whispers to me late at night.
That he loves me. That he wants a future with me.
That I’m going to carry his babies one day, that I’ll have his last name. ”
“You don’t believe him?” Violet asked.
“I think he likes saying those things to me. But people have said nice things to me my whole life to get what they want. I know he’s not doing it maliciously like my mom. Or manipulating me like Lainey sometimes does. It’s not that…My brain is just trained not to trust it, you know?”
“But it’s also okay to let yourself believe that he means it,” Jessie encouraged. “Beau would rather die than see you hurt.”
“I told him I was scared to fall. To give him that one last little piece of my heart I was holding onto so I wouldn’t completely shatter if things didn’t work out between us.”
“And did you?”
“I think part of me is still holding back,” I admitted.
“This wound that lives inside my heart from my childhood. I’m scared to be here for Juniper and have our relationship taken away.
What if she thinks I chose to leave? I knew my mom was picking her own life, her own interests, her selfish needs over me and Lainey.
What if everything goes wrong with Beau, and I have to leave her, too? I can’t imagine…I never want…”
Violet patted my leg. “But what if it all goes right? What if you give your whole heart, even the tiny piece you’re holding back, to the man you know you love? What if that’s all it takes for the fear and doubt and worries about being like your mom to disappear? What then?”