22. Carolina
Chapter twenty-two
Carolina
I t’s a stormy Saturday afternoon and I’m laying on my bed writing in a fresh journal with a clean pile of slightly warm laundry at my feet. The sun gave up trying to break through the clouds so I’ve drawn the curtains, turned on the lamps, and am content to stay right here. I cashed another nannying pay cheque today and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can breathe. But it’s not just the relief of having money. I truly like this job. My two little coworkers, if you could call them that, are funny and smart and keep me on my toes. I’m browsing my phone for ideas of things to do with the girls for spring break next week when there’s a sharp rap on my front door. Marking my place with my pen, I’m on my way to answer it when whoever it is knocks again.
“Keep your panties on! ”
A gust of air blows around my legs as I unlock the door and find Berg filling the frame.
“Oh,” I say, looking him up and down as subtly as I can manage.
Honestly, who else did I expect would be showing up? The girls knock occasionally, but other than my mom coming for a tea last week, it’s not like I have much of a social life.
“Panties aren’t really my thing,” he says, popping the sheepskin collar of his denim jacket against the wind. “They don’t contain my things.”
My cheeks burn as I think of him with that towel around his hips.
“Are you here to discuss undergarments with me, Berg?”
It’s his turn to blush and I have to laugh because it’s so easy to turn the tables on him like that.
“We’re going to Isaac and Ashlyn’s for supper.”
A beat of silence stretches across the threshold.
“Have a good time?”
I know our lives are suddenly entwined, but I don’t need to know where he’s going every hour of the day. Even if he happens to cross my mind about that often. Some high pitched noises are escaping the closed doors of Berg’s truck that is swaying slightly on its suspension. Louisa has climbed into the driver's seat and is waving at me over the steering wheel.
“The girls thought…actually, no,” He looks down at his boots before making clear eye contact. “ I thought you might want to come along.”
Between Berg and my brother, I feel like I’m standing on the periphery of what is a very close knit friend group. Am I allowed to step into that circle?
“Will that be okay with them? Ashlyn and Isaac?”
Berg lifts his massive shoulders. “I don’t see why not. Get your things.”
I open my mouth to make some sort of excuse, but what else would I do tonight?
Fold that laundry?
Boring.
“Yeah, why not?” I echo his statement. “Meet you there?”
“You’re riding with me.”
The last thing I need is to spend more time in a tight space with him.
“Oh, that’s not…I can follow you.”
“I insist.”
While I’ve been learning lots about Louisa and Natalie, I’ve also done a deep dive into Berg’s disposition. There’s a time to push him and a time to go along with things. Bickering over who’s driving isn’t a hill to die on. An evening drive and supper with my hot landlord who I can’t seem to keep my paws off…and his daughters. No big deal. A few minutes later I’ve slipped out of my sweats into my favourite light wash jeans and I meet Berg back at my doorway where he’s hovering awkwardly at the threshold like he’s a vampire and the frame is decorated with garlic .
“You could have waited inside, it’s really nasty. Should we even be out?”
“We’re good. It’ll blow over.”
I lock up and he opens the passenger door for me. I am not prepared for the excitement level in the cab of the truck.
“You’re coming?”
“In our truck!”
Natalie and Louisa talk over each other while they dive back into their spots.
“You bet I am.”
It’s not a far drive to Isaac and Ashlyn’s neighbourhood. I’ve heard a lot about this house from my brother and I know they use the workshop behind the hundred-year-old Craftsman home for the business. Berg slows as we turn into a driveway of a beautiful home on the corner of two tree-lined streets. There’s a flower stand by the curb with a sign over it reading Cedar and Stem Flower Farm. Berg clears his throat then puts his arm on the back of my seat and twists to look at his daughters.
“You guys go first and scope it out, yeah?”
He doesn’t have to tell them twice and before I know it, they’ve sprinted across the front lawn, screeching as the rain pelts down on them. I’m alone with Berg in his truck while he watches until they make it up the front steps and let themselves inside. I’d been looking forward to having supper, but now I’ve lost my appetite as my stomach flips. Is he going to tell me that this isn’t working out? I swallow around a lump in my throat. I’ll be back on Mom and Dad’s couch by the end of the week. Or back at the bar.
“You’re driving me crazy, Caro.”
All I can do is nod because my throat aches with emotion. I pushed him too far when he came over to learn to braid the girls hair. I climbed into his lap and dry humped him, for god’s sake.
“Did I do something wrong?”
I was sure that my enjoyment for our evenings together was reciprocal.
He sighs, running a hand down his face. “Wrong? No, you’re pretty much perfect, Caro.”
I scoff, voice thick with sarcasm. “Right. That’s me.”
“Don’t be self deprecating again.”
I notice the flicker of a front curtain, Ashlyn or Isaac probably wondering why the children have arrived by themselves.
“I don’t know how to act around you anymore. The more time that passes, I’m forgetting why I’m supposed to be ignoring these feelings. God knows I’ve tried to forget, rationalise, and see if it passes…but I can’t.”
My sinuses sting with the effort to hold back tears. Because he and I can’t resist each other, I’m going to have to walk away. I’m almost angry with myself for connecting so deeply with Natalie and Louisa. What did I think would happen? That I’d be their nanny forever?
So stupid, Caro.
“What are we going to tell the girls? I think it will be really hard on them if I stop coming around. ”
He scowls. “You want to quit?”
“Absolutely not. But if this,” I gestured between us “is getting out of hand, then I understand you need to put your daughters first.”
“See. Even now when you’re talking about losing your job, your first consideration is the wellbeing of my children. My children have been my top priority since the day they were born, and they always will be, but I need to make sure that it’s not at the expense of balance and happiness in my personal life.”
“We just need to try harder,” I tell him. “We can forget it.”
I’m saying the words, but I don’t really believe them. You can’t turn physical chemistry off like water in a tap.
He slams his palms on the steering wheel. “I can’t! And I don’t want to!”
The strength behind his exclamation startles me and all I can do is stare at him for a long moment, listening as rain patters on the sun roof and my pulse hammers in my ears.
“I tried, Caro. I try to remind myself every morning and every night and every hour in between of all the reasons that I shouldn’t want to kiss you or have you climb in my lap again. Hell, I want to brush your fucking hair! But, I’m your boss. You’re my friend's little sister. You’re twenty fucking five years old.”
It sounds so salacious, but it’s not like he’s a married dad and I’m some home wrecker. Life is not so cut and dry. I’m in the same boat. I’ve tried to logic my way out of this attraction, but I can’t. Not when he listens with rapt attention as I tell him every detail of our days. Not when I nearly melt into a puddle of goo when he cuddles his daughters with a genuine smile stretching across his handsome face. Certainly not when I have to fight from running to meet him at the front door when he walks in.
“You could have told me this at home, Berg.”
He rubs the muscles of his jaw, considering his words.
“I wanted to bring you along to something where you’re not on the clock. Where we can spend some time together around other people we care about.”
I mull that over.
“Berg. It feels like we skipped some steps. You’re supposed to date me before I meet your friends.”
This could be a disaster. I have to go in and have a meal with my brother right after his bestie confesses his feelings for me?
“I also thought it would be good if we…weren’t alone.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Elaborate.”
Berg reaches over, settling his heavy hand on my knee. My body reacts instantly, heat gathering between my legs like it did when I grinded all over his lap.
“If we were alone when I told you all this, I wouldn’t trust myself not to kiss you properly this time.”
“So this is a buffer. A distraction?”
He shifts in his seat, one finger stroking along my inner thigh. It’s downright wrong how hot that subtle friction makes me.
“Yeah,” he rasps, “But it’s not working. I don’t think it really matters where I am or who I’m with. You’re always on my mind. ”
I chew my lip, trying to process what he’s saying. “Wait, what do you mean kiss me properly?”
Berg closes his eyes for a moment, and when they reopen they’re full of heat.
“A short kiss by the door? Us dry humping with all our clothes on? If all that could feel so good, then fuck me, Caro–what would the real deal be like?”
A sharp whistle slices through the tension. Isaac stands on his front porch, holding his hands up. Berg gives my thigh a firm squeeze before letting me go and gathers up his phone and keys.
“C’mon,” he says, “Let’s go in there before your brother teaches my daughters how to operate power tools.”
I must look horrified, because he claps a hand on my shoulder.
“Kidding.” He shakes me lightly until I smile.
He returns it, the lines next to his eyes crinkling as his cheeks lift. My heart is fluttering with his hot hand still secured on my shoulder.
“Ready?” he asks, gesturing to the terrible weather.
“Yeah, let’s go,” I answer, pulling the hood of my rain jacket up over my head.
He takes off first, and I race right after him, the rain water splashing up and soaking my jeans. I’m laughing, cold fresh rain falling directly into my mouth as I pump my legs to reach the house and wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into.