Chapter 8 Kieran
KIERAN
THE MOON WAS bright that night, filtering moonbeams down through the leaves of the giant oak in the yard.
We lived in a quiet, suburban neighborhood where everyone went to bed early, so there wasn’t a soul out except us.
It was just me, trapped by Jordy’s accusing blue eyes and the wounded tone of his voice.
I’d hurt him, but that wasn’t a surprise.
It seemed like that was what I’d always been destined to do.
It felt like no matter what I tried or how I reacted to him, I’d end up making him feel like shit.
I wasn’t the kind of alpha for someone like him.
I didn’t know how to be sweet or gentle or comforting.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I finally said, averting my gaze from him so I didn’t have to see the pain snap back into his face. “I have work I need to finish up before bed, so whatever you want to talk about, just forget it.”
“Really, Kieran?” To my relief and slight fear, that last line had nudged him over the line from hurt to pissed off.
It was easier hearing him like that, but I also knew he could have a temper when things weren’t going his way.
I usually made a point of avoiding that temper by giving him whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, just like everyone else in the world, but pissing him off about this was unavoidable.
“There’s nothing that happened recently that maybe we need to talk about? ”
“Nothing comes to mind,” I lied.
He scoffed, letting an incredulous little laugh that under other circumstances would have annoyed the hell out of me.
“So you didn’t follow me to a party the other night because you were jealous of the fact that I might talk to other guys?”
Balking a little at the blunt statement, I felt my cheeks darkening. “I wasn’t fucking jealous, okay? I just knew you were going to get in some kind of trouble. And I was right. So drop it.”
“Oh, okay,” he said, injecting a sarcastic pep into his voice.
I knew that tone really well. He was about to say something to make me feel like the biggest fucking moron on the planet.
“So if Andrew had squeezed in next to me and started feeling me up and I’d liked it, you would have been fine with that?
The only reason you interfered is because you were worried for me. Is that what you’re saying?”
“You’re testing my patience, Jordy.”
“So you wouldn’t be fine with it?”
“I…” Gritting my teeth together so I wouldn’t snarl, I swallowed the knot that had formed in my throat at the idea. “So fucking what? So I don’t like seeing sleazeballs put their hands on you. That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Yes it does!” He insisted, moving to the side to block me when I tried to take a step toward the house.
Part of me wanted to throw him over my shoulder like a caveman and drag him inside, but I was pretty sure he’d squeal and alert the neighborhood.
“We both know what it means. It’s stupid to pretend like you don’t. ”
He was right, and we both knew it. He had me pinned to the metaphorical wall, and there was nothing I could say that would change it or fix it.
My mind was spinning and scrambling, desperate for one scrap of anything that could tilt the conversation in my favor.
Whatever I’d done or said the night I’d come home drunk had already cemented the fact in his mind that I wanted him.
There wasn’t anything I could do to change that.
But if he ever found out how completely and hopelessly obsessed with him I was, there was no way I’d ever live it down. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Look.” It took every ounce of effort in every cell in my body to force the casual pitch into my voice. Like I wasn’t squirming and screaming and dying inside. “Jordy, I don’t really know how to say this, and I’ve been trying to avoid it, but… This crush you have on me… It has to stop.”
He blinked at me for a few seconds, seemingly in total shock. I was pretty sure nothing had ever rendered him speechless before, so there was a mild sense of accomplishment in that.
“This crush I have on you?” He repeated, like each word was a separate idea and he didn’t understand any of them.
“I’m flattered,” I added quickly. “Because you’re…
” The sexiest, smartest person in the fucking world with the cutest laugh that never, ever judges me, with the funniest personality that could always make me feel better when I felt like complete and total shit.
“Attractive,” I finished. “But it’s just not going to happen, okay?
You’re not really my type and… I mean, I shouldn’t even have to point out the fact that we’re stepbrothers, which makes the whole thing completely awkward, which is why I’ve been trying to ignore it and not embarrass you.
But you aren’t really getting it into your head, so I just…
I just felt like I needed to make sure you understand. ”
He stared at me the entire time I was talking, his eyebrow quirking up so the expression on his face was like an adult listening to an overexcited child ramble on about bugs in the park. It wasn’t the reaction I’d been hoping for.
“Kieran, be serious. You pulled your dick out and jerked off outside my be-”
My hand whipped up from my side, like I had no control of it, and clamped over his mouth to halt the rest of his sentence.
“Shut up,” I snapped out the words, adrenaline bubbling up in my blood at the mere mention of what had happened last night.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.
” When I didn’t pull my hand away from his mouth, he laved spit all over my palm with his tongue, so I yanked it back, grimacing in disgust. He could be such a vindictive little troll when he was pissed off.
“I’m not stupid, Kieran. I heard you. I know you were watching me.”
“You forced me to do that,” I hissed out, hoping he would follow my lead and lower his fucking voice. The last thing I wanted was the neighbors thinking I was some kind of pervert. If anything, he was the pervert for even coming up with something like that.
“If you’re not attracted to me, then how did I force you to do anything?” He demanded, his eyes narrowed into thin slits and locked directly on me.
“I- That’s…” I was not winning the battle of this particular conversation but I was in too deep to give it up now. “You’re an omega. Of course I…” Not to mention, this was by far the most humiliating conversation I’d ever experienced. “That’s just biology. It wasn’t because it was you.”
He sighed deeply, scrubbing his palms over his face in pure frustration. It didn’t seem like he was buying my excuses, but I wasn’t altogether surprised by that. He hadn’t graduated top of his class by being stupid and gullible.
“Okay, Kieran,” he finally said, sounding weary, like he was tired of the conversation.
Good. Maybe if he was tired of it, he would stop doing things to force me into saying dumb shit.
“So, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.
You’re not attracted to me, and anything that I could bring up that made it seem like you’re attracted to me was purely biological and not a reflection of any feelings you have toward me specifically. ”
“… Right,” I answered, a bit cautiously. “Exactly.”
He shrugged his shoulders, holding up his palms like a surrender. “Okay.”
It was too calm, too even-tempered to be a response to a rejection. Especially from golden boy Jordy Nolan who was used to being showered with praise and compliments. The word no usually evaporated from my vocabulary in his presence.
“Okay?” I repeated, trying not to radiate shock from my voice. “You’re fine with that?”
He tilted his head at me, and shrugged again. “I have to be. You can’t help it if you just… Don’t find me attractive.”
“Right,” I said, only because I didn’t know what else to say. I was pretty sure I’d lied so much in the last five minutes that if I tried anything else I’d get struck by lightning. “It’s not personal, okay? You know I think you’re a great person.”
“I know,” he answered lightly. When he smiled, just a tiny, slightly embarrassed one, I felt a trickle of relief. “I hope things won’t be awkward between us now or anything.”
“No,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “It doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t want it to be like that,” I added honestly.
“Well…” He wrung his hands together for a few seconds, glancing down toward the ground shyly. If he was actually feeling sheepish and embarrassed by all this, then maybe he really did believe that I was turning him down.
I couldn’t believe I’d actually done it.
Despite how shitty and terrible it was that I had to hurt his feelings, I’d actually succeeded in convincing him that he couldn’t pursue me.
I should have been given a fucking statue in the middle of the park for the level of self-sacrificing I’d demonstrated.
“What is it?” I prompted for him to finish his sentence.
“I just don’t want there to be any hard feelings,” he said.
“There aren’t,” I promised.
“I meant from me,” he clarified, a tiny smirk tugging up at the corner of his pouty mouth. He was so fucking cute, even despite the fact that he was the one causing all my problems. It took a special level of internal masochism for that.
“Oh,” I answered, stumped. I wasn’t exactly sure what he was trying to say, or how I could fix it.
“Maybe…” He hesitated slightly, his cheeks tinted the softest, prettiest shade of pink that had ever existed. Raising his hand toward his forehead, he brushed a lock of pale blond hair away from his forehead, my eyes following the motion. His hands were so slender and delicate.
“Anything,” I said desperately, the word tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop it. His shy little glances and soft, embarrassed voice were ripping at my heartstrings. Why did I have to be born into a world where I had to turn down someone like him?