Chapter 15 Suman
With my flushed cheeks, I looked in the mirror to see myself one last time before heading to the door. But my gaze lingered on the faint bruise on my neck.
My fingers brushed it, rubbing my skin in anticipation, and I inhaled sharply in confusion.
This was unexpected.
Did something happen?
I lowered my gaze to check my hands, legs, back, and shoulders, and aside from this bruise, there wasn’t a single mark on me, triggering a memory that clouded my mind.
His lips were on my neck.
The intensity of his breath, the grip of his hands, and the warm moisture between my legs—everything felt too fast, yet too slow. It seemed like we had spent just a few moments together, yet my memory captured every detail in thousands of images.
His swollen lips, lustful green eyes, the touch of his fingers on my core—everything was overwhelming.
“Suman!”
Daadi-sa’s voice pulled me from my thoughts.
Gulping nervously, I moved toward the door while draping my dupatta over my head. I covered the bright red mark with the hem as much as possible.
Inhaling deeply to muster courage, I placed my palms on the handle and opened the door.
Daadi-sa’s eyes shifted from frustration to shock, then quickly to awe.
Her eyes filled with tears as she cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead.
“You look breathtaking. Forget this soldier; let me find you a prince,”
A wave of laughter swept through the attendants, watching us, tightening my heart with her words. The laughter faded from my mind, but I forced a smile onto my face.
“Come with me,” she said, leading me out. She asked me to sit on the couch.
I watched her retrieve minimal jewellery for me, a beautiful smile gracing her lips. She sat beside me on the couch, extending her hand to hold mine.
Starting with the bangles, she said, “I know it didn't go as planned last time, but nothing is more beautiful than having hope.”
I gulped and bit my lip.
I understood that hope could be beautiful yet also bring immense pain, often more than reality.
“Hope is beautiful, Daadi-sa, but when it shatters, the world feels too big to escape. It feels like being trapped in a box, suffocated. Trusting again becomes incredibly difficult,” I explained slowly, and she lifted her gaze to meet mine.
“I know how it feels when hope dies. I was married to him, spending my life managing the kingdom and politics while he was busy with the same until his last breath. When everything settled, the children married, grandchildren blessed our lives, I thought we would enjoy our old age in peace, but he left me alone.”
I lowered my gaze, listening to her. Her fingers trembled with the frailty of old age, yet hope shone brightly in her eyes.
“And when I was finally recovering from his loss, making peace with life again, Raj left us,” she continued, tears welling in her eyes, and I felt a lump forming in my throat. I gently held her hands, caressing them slowly.
“But sometimes, we’re so consumed by the wildfire that we fail to realise it brings new seeds to grow, new lives to begin, and new greenery to flourish in our lives,”
She smiled weakly, and I tried to smile back.
“You are too young to give up on life, Suman,” she added.
“You did your best. While he was alive, you stayed by his side, even when he chose someone else over you. You never cheated, disrespected, or hurt him. Now that he is gone, you are not burdened, and you are young enough to believe in love again.”
I inhaled deeply at the mention of the word ‘love’.
Painful memories clouded my mind, dark clouds filled with pain, horror, and sacrifice, made me clench my fists.
“What if it’s not love again?” I asked timidly, meeting her eyes. Her brows furrowed.
“What could it be, then?” she asked, her voice slow.
“A need, attachment, attraction—anything that feels short-lived. What if it’s just a thread tying us together from each end, making it impossible to escape each other, yet also impossible to live together?” My throat felt tight as I spoke slowly, and she smiled warmly.
“That's exactly what I meant when I talked about giving life another chance. You’ll never know until it happens. Trusting once is easy, but giving another chance is the actual battle, not against others, but within yourself. You constantly judge that journey, whether it’s a person or life itself, watching every step so closely that you’ll miss the essence because you’re too busy critiquing it to feel the happiness it can bring,” she said, leaving me too stunned even to respond.
The image of his face and green eyes blurred through my thoughts.
Maybe Daadi-sa was right; I had been too rigid in thinking and closed myself off.
Perhaps I should’ve placed my trust not in individuals, but in life itself, waiting until it led me to him.
I nodded silently, and she smiled, gently touching my head.
“Come with me,”
She didn’t ask me to wear anything but bangles. I took the dupatta and adjusted it on my forehead.
Honestly, I felt nothing—absolutely nothing. Not even a hint of excitement. I knew where I belonged, even if the doors were closed.
I walked with her to a guest chamber where couches were arranged. I noticed a tall man standing as we arrived.
“Please, sit down,” Daadi-sa said, and I helped her onto the couch. She held my hand, pulling me closer to sit beside her.
I remained silent as they spoke.
“Pranaam, Rajmata34,” I heard a deep voice.
“Pranaam, Bhaan Singh.” Daadi-sa replied, then turning toward me, she added, “This is Suman.”
I couldn’t help but bring my palms together to greet him.
“Ji, pranaam,” he responded kindly, and I heard a woman beside him ask Daadi-sa a few questions about me, to which she replied politely.
Daadi-sa was humble; she knew that he would have done it if she had ordered him to marry me, but she wanted the best for me. That’s why she was putting in extra effort to build this relationship.
Suddenly, she said, “Suman, take him inside and ask him whatever you want to.”
My eyes widened in shock, and I sat in silence, immobile.
She nudged me, and I gulped nervously, standing up. He too stood, and I clenched my fists, silently walking inside as his footsteps followed me.
I looked around to see if Kunwar Agastya was there. I didn’t know if he was too angry to do anything.
“Um… are you comfortable?” he asked politely, and I turned to look at him, nodding slowly.
“Please, have a seat,” I said, gesturing towards the couch as I watched him sit down.
There was a long pause before he began.
“Um, are you happy about this set-up?” he asked quietly, and I bit my lip nervously when he added, “Please, sit down; you don’t have to keep standing.”
I walked over to the other couch across from him and sat down.
“I have something to tell you,” I managed to say, but my voice came out slow.
The heat Kunwar-sa had left me with still warmed my head, and I felt a slight soreness between my legs, making me shift on the couch.
“Yes?” he prompted, his voice slow as well.
I clenched my hands to gather my strength and intoned, “I can’t marry you.”
There was a long, awkward pause until he asked, his tone upset, “Oh, why? If you’re comfortable answering.”
I blinked nervously. “I’m already tied to someone,” I said, trying to keep my gaze steady.
He frowned in confusion.
“Married?” he asked.
I swallowed hard and shook my head. “Not exactly,”
“Will you keep this between us and deny the marriage?” I added, my voice trembling and struggling to find the right words. “I cannot, because I respect Daadi-sa a lot, and I can’t tell anyone about it.”
He nodded. “I will,”
I inhaled deeply. “When my first husband died, his family tried to force me to burn myself along with his body as part of a ritual in our tribe. But a man saved my life; to do so, he had to put vermilion in my hair. I mean, we aren’t properly married, but I’m tied to him in a way that I wouldn’t be able to find peace in my heart if I even think about anyone else.
” I explained slowly, and he remained silent for a moment.
My heart raced when he said, “But I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
I gulped nervously and shook my head.
He didn’t have a problem with it, but I knew Kunwar-sa would, and I too did. I couldn’t fool him when I was falling for Kunwar Agastya.
“You don’t understand,” I managed to say. “I can’t marry anyone.”
He inhaled deeply, remaining silent for a moment.
“Okay, I’ll tell Rajmata,” he said.
I immediately stood up and said, “But please don’t tell her what I shared. It would devastate.”
He nodded weakly and walked out of the room.
I stayed there until I saw Daadi-sa walk in, looking sad.
I waited quietly, and she hugged me tightly.
“It's okay, but we’ll find another man, one even better than him, for you. He was an idiot,” she said, and I tried to look upset.
She released me from the hug and cupped my cheeks. “You must be tired. You should rest, and I think you’re getting rashes too,” she said, and my cheeks warmed up.
I cupped my neck and shook my head, which made her furrow her brows in confusion.
“Are you okay, Suman?”
I nodded silently and said, “Um… Daadi-sa, Nandani must be looking for me.”
Then I walked away from there, darting out of there.
I went to the kitchen and got to work. I didn’t meet anyone after that because of the red bruise on my neck. I didn’t care about the guests, but I couldn’t let Nandani, Princess Aishwarya, or even Ranaji see it.
After everything, I returned to my room, exhausted.
The night grew darker, but the chaos remained. The music and dance had enchanted the palace to a new level. Nandani didn’t send anyone to call me. Maybe she knew I was with Daadi-sa.
And I didn’t encounter him after our minor incident, which wasn’t small at all. Strangely, I felt something different in my gut.
It was an auspicious moment in the palace, yet a kind of war roared in my head. I didn’t feel hungry; instead, I sensed that something was wrong.
Did he go somewhere? He behaved strangely before leaving. There was an unusual silence on his face. It seemed he was worried about something.
I couldn’t rest amidst the rustling thoughts and stepped out of the room to keep myself busy with various tasks. The more I occupied myself, the more I thought I would find peace.
But, moment by moment, my peace morphed into worry and panic as I searched for him throughout the palace and couldn’t find him anywhere. I even tried asking a few attendants on Ranaji’s behalf, but nobody had seen him.
Where the hell had he gone?
?????