Chapter 23 #3
I felt a pang in my chest hearing him. The mention of another woman hurt me.
“But I never met her again. A prince bought her and gifted her to someone,” he said, and I looked at the hurt on his face.
“I never got the chance to tell her about myself. It hurt for days. I thought I would save her, protect her from the bad, from other men, but I didn’t dare do that.
I couldn’t tell anyone about it. Then I started running away from the emptiness, guilt, and regret, all along with me,” he broke down, letting the tears fall freely.
“I felt weaker, even more than before. I tried to focus completely on my studies and pay attention to what mattered the most. I didn’t know where my life was heading.
I was growing restless day by day. I couldn’t forget everything that had happened.
Then, one day, my teacher asked me to gather information about a kingdom.
An opportunity I needed. He placed his trust in me, and I began the mission,” he said, and I noticed the slight smile on his face.
“I was determined to get information about a trade between two kingdoms. I disguised myself as a soldier and spied closely, but they grew suspicious and dismissed me from my post. I lost the opportunity to enter the kingdom, but I learned the king was attending a celebration, and a well-known dance house was summoned for the occasion. I visited this dance house hoping to make some contacts, but I failed miserably as the women were reluctant to speak with a man. However, one adult woman pulled me into her room and asked what I wanted. I explained I was seeking information. She offered help, but asked for something in return.”
I creased my brows and asked, “What did she ask you to do?”
He lowered his gaze and looked at me.
“What would a woman ask a handsome young man to do?” he replied, and I gasped.
“Oh,”
He nodded. “She asked me for the same thing, but I didn’t want that; I wanted to do it without involving dirty tactics.
But she was adamant. I offered her twice what I had before.
She said she could make plenty of money dancing at the celebrations.
She wanted to dominate a man for a night, just as men had dominated her.
She was furious about being treated the way men had treated her.
I understood the pain behind her words, and I didn’t have many options.
I agreed. She asked me to get on my knees,” he said, and my eyes widened with shock.
But I kept still, not letting out a word, listening to his every word.
“That night, I obeyed her every request. I did whatever she asked me to do. She dominated me, pulled my hair, choked me, and cursed me provocatively, releasing all of her frustration. That was the first time I felt scared of a woman. I truly did. I’d never seen such a sight of a woman before.
And even though I didn’t say anything, it hurt me.
The next morning, she agreed to do that for me and told me how she had been kidnapped and brought here because she was beautiful.
I was clueless about where life was taking me, Suman,” he said with a tearful gaze. And I didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t want to keep you in the dark, Suman. I can’t predict what part of my past will come before me, threatening my present; I just don’t want to keep you in the dark and be caught off guard when it does abruptly,” he said, and I smiled weakly.
“You know, after that, I accepted I was an evil man, a terrible human being. I accepted I was worthless, and my life took a depressing turn. I got the information about that kingdom, but in return, I lost a part of myself. My teacher was happy with it, and he asked me for information more often. I made contacts. You know, there’s something strange about this world.
People say men dominate it. They say men make the rules and own them.
But, surprisingly, my experience was novel.
I found no man who hadn’t been in touch with a woman.
And I had found no woman whom a man did not hurt.
I learnt this and used it as my trick. I’d be good to women, they’d be good to me, and it would always be mutually beneficial,” he said, and I sucked my lip.
“Did you ever hurt any woman? I mean, it would not be too difficult for a woman to fall for you,” I said slowly, and he shook his head.
“For women, I’m not made for love. They knew what I was doing, and no woman would fall in love with a man like me. Never. They would enjoy me and share their stories, but wouldn’t ask about me. In all of this, I went too far and forgot why I stepped out of my home,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.
“I forgot what I wanted; I forgot I left my home to talk, to tell someone how empty I was feeling. My charm, smile, and jokes masked it all for me. No one would ever guess that I was feeling empty inside. They always saw me as joyful, lovely, and delightful to spend time with,” he said, and I blinked quietly.
“And with all the emptiness, guilt, and regrets, I never found the courage to tell any woman I liked or had feelings for her. I was too afraid of rejection and being laughed at. For instance, I once told a girl I enjoyed spending time with her, and she laughed at me. She mocked me and said she was having fun with me, too. Since then, emotional connections have become something I thought I would never experience. I lost hope. Then, one day, when I gathered all my courage to tell this beautiful princess that I liked her, she called me a manwhore,” he said, exhaling.
“And honestly, I am a manwhore, Suman,” he said.
I gulped silently, looking at the fire, because I didn’t know what to say. I felt bad, but there was something else that I felt. I never expected his past to be like this.
“I’m not a good man, Suman. I’m not like my brothers, who saved themselves for their wives.
I’m a spoiled man. It was too late when I realised I was a spoiled man.
I cannot erase what I have done. I did all this consciously, and I cannot express my disdain for them in kind words because it is what it is.
In all this, I have lost a part of myself, Suman.
I can never be whole again. My thoughts are always scattered, and I carry so much within me I can never be empty again,” he said, and I saw fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.
“I lost all hope of finding that one person who would ask me what I had within me until I met this woman who needed saving. After spending my early adulthood with many women, I developed a soft spot for them. Their stories shaped me. Any day, I would choose to save a woman over my happiness. That’s why when I read the letter for you, I couldn’t stop myself from searching for you,” he said, and I inhaled sharply. Tears blurred my vision.
“I couldn’t stop myself from fighting for you.
I wanted to protect you, to save you, and bring you back home.
But I had to pretend to marry you to keep you safe.
Trust me, I’ve done nothing like that for any woman before.
I felt nothing while I did it; it was purely for your safety.
I knew I was protecting you, just another woman under the rule of a male-dominated society.
But the moment we entered this cottage, in my childhood home, I felt like I finally had a chance to tell someone about myself,” he said, and I bit my lower lip, trying not to cry.
“But how you preached about loyalty made me realise I’m not meant for you.
I understand what you’ve been through and know how hard it is for you to trust someone, a man, to be precise, again.
I know it’s difficult for you to be with someone like me, and I completely get that.
I see it’s tough for you to trust a man like me again.
I understand… I really do. And the way you look at me, Suman, I see a hope in your eyes that I’ve never seen in any woman before.
Honestly, it scares me. It reminds me of my past and makes me aware that I’m not a good man, not for any woman, and especially not for you.
It puts me on edge, Suman. I’m afraid of hurting you.
I don’t want to, and I knew I couldn’t keep you in the dark,” he said, looking at me.
“Suman,” he called, and I took a deep breath before turning to face him. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Suman, I cannot hide these things from you. I have killed people, and I have slept with women for information, sympathy, and even pleasure. I’m not the good man you think I am.
I play with words; I am clever and make people do what I want.
I am too bad for you. I do not expect you to love me; I cannot.
I don’t deserve that after everything I have done in my life.
I’m not a good man, and I know you cannot trust someone like me.
I understand it’s difficult for you. Being with me will always keep you on edge; you might suspect me cheating on you, hiding from you, or something like that.
It’s understandable. You truly deserve better, Suman.
I’m telling you this now because I find myself again at that point in life where I am seeking an escape, running from everything to find someone to hold on to.
One more day with you and my guard will break, and I’ll never be able to return from that. ”
He lowered his gaze and inhaled deeply.
“I’m falling for you, Suman,” he said, and I let more tears stream down my face.
“And I don’t have decent intentions for you, either. I want to be with you, no matter what. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But…” he drawled, and I looked up at him.
“But?” I asked, waiting for his answer.
He gulped. “But if we were to be together, there wouldn’t be any space for doubts, suspicions, or escape. You will be my everything, and I will be your everything,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.