Chapter 23 #4
“And there will be no one between us. Not your deceased husband, not the women I’ve met, and not even the world.
I’ll be there for you, and you will be there for me.
I want to explore everything with you, and you can do the same.
There will be no titles between us. I won’t be the prince, and you won’t be the maid.
We will be two individuals, two souls,” he said, holding my hand.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Suman. But you don’t have to say anything right now,” he shook his head.
“Take your time. If you want to leave, I won’t stop you.
You’ll find someone much better than me.
Even Bhan Singh is a good man. I’ve heard things about him.
He’s someone I’ve never met before,” he chuckled.
“I’m not lying, Suman. I’m a bad man; you don’t have to be with me.
You earn for yourself; you’re on your own.
You don’t need me or any man if you don’t want to.
Because of that incident, you don’t have to be with me.
You have the freedom to decide, and I’m not in any hurry.
You can tell me whenever you want. You don’t have to be with me if you don’t want to,” he kept repeating the exact words again and again, and I closed my eyes, exhaling heavily.
I didn’t know what to say. It was all too much. I let fresh tears roll down my cheeks.
“I want to go home,” I pulled my hands out of his hold. “I want to go home, Kunwar-sa,” I said, rising to my feet, wiping my tears.
His voice turned hoarse. “Oh, okay,”
I watched him wipe his tears before walking toward Ashwait.
I felt a storm—a storm of life, pain, and love—engulf my heart.
He helped me onto the horse and climbed behind me. The ride back to the palace was silent, and when I stepped down from the horse, I immediately turned to return to my room. But he held my hand and stopped me.
I tried not to cry as I looked into his swollen eyes.
“Are you okay, Suman?” he asked softly.
I looked at the ground, speechless, feeling a deep sense of brokenness inside.
“I need time, Kunwar-sa,” I mumbled.
He nodded and let go of my hand. I didn’t know why, but hearing that from him felt more brutal. I always knew he had a past filled with women. It was something I couldn’t say I hadn’t expected. I had a hunch, but it hurt even more to know.
I returned to my room and sat on the mattress, pulling my knees to my chest as I cried.
It hurt. It was painful. I felt betrayed. I didn’t understand why. My heart felt heavy as tears kept rolling down my cheeks. There was a strange weight on my chest, something I couldn’t shake off.
Why did he have to tell me all of it? I wish he hadn’t.
I could understand what he had gone through because I had spent my life running from one thing to another, losing hope in people.
But why did he have to tell me in this way?
When he mentioned that he had lost parts of himself in the past and that they would never return, it pierced my heart. I didn’t know what to do.
I closed my eyes and let silent tears fall, unsure why I was crying. I lay back and hid under the comforter, his words lurking in my mind.
I knew I wouldn’t be his first or second, but I didn’t want to know that.
I didn’t know how to face him anymore.
We weren’t in love, so why did it hurt so much? My heart broke even more when I learned my husband had slept with another woman.
Kunwar-sa hadn’t cheated on me; he hadn’t even looked at another woman since me, and had shared everything about his past, yet it still hurt.
Something was happening inside me; it felt as if history would repeat itself, like another, even more brutal pain was waiting for me. I didn’t know how to trust him.
What if he slept with another woman again for information? What if he fell in love with someone else and returned to a brothel? What if I couldn’t please him, like I couldn’t please my husband?
I shook my head and washed away my tears. A headache formed, so I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself.
I didn’t know what to do.
I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep.
I woke up to the noise of everyday chaos and the tinkling anklet bells of attendants rushing through the corridors.
My eyes flew open, and I hurried to take a bath and freshen up. I was already late.
I hurriedly bathed, changed into a regular dress, and headed to Nandani’s chamber. The sun was shining directly overhead, and my head throbbed.
The conversation we had the previous night kept replaying in my mind.
I entered Nandani’s chamber and saw her sitting on the couch with Ranaji.
“Pranaam, Ranaji and Rani-sa,” I said, joining my hands, and she smiled at me.
“How are you?” she asked, and I gulped silently, nodding as I tried to respond.
“I’m good,” I finally said.
I watched them having lunch as she continued, “The sunlight is nice today. I’m planning to bathe Rudraja. Can you give her a massage with oil? She’s outside with her Kaako-sa.”
My brows furrowed slightly, but I nodded. “Okay,” I replied.
I walked away and asked an attendant to bring me the baby massage oil before heading to the courtyard, where the baby was enjoying her sunbath.
I saw the princess lying on the carpet, wrapped in her baby comforter and velvet dress, with Kunwar Agastya hovering over her, speaking to her.
“Aww, my baby,” I heard him exclaim, and the princess squealed, reaching for his face.
Lowering my gaze, I walked toward them silently, and suddenly, he lifted his gaze, noticing me.
His gaze softened as he looked at me. “Kaisi ho?” “How are you?”
I knelt to place the massage oil beside him, trying not to meet his eyes.
“Good,” I replied softly, remaining silent.
There was a slight uncertainty between us, and I couldn’t understand why I felt different. Why did I feel trapped?
I had happily lived the last seven years without a man, and suddenly this man was making me feel everything I had feared feeling.
“Nandani asked me to massage the princess,” I said, and he inhaled deeply, shifting away from her.
“Oh, okay,” he said.
I looked at the princess, smiling at me.
“Enjoying your sunbath, Princess?” I whispered, leaning in to caress her cheek. She smiled and turned to look at Kunwar-sa, squealing again.
She wanted him there.
“I should probably go,” he said, and I didn’t know what I wanted.
“It's okay, you can stay,” I said slowly, lifting my gaze to look at him.
My heart sank deeper as I noticed his swollen eyes and washed-out face. It seemed as if he hadn’t slept well the night before, and the vision of last night appeared before me. Everything he told me flooded my mind, and I lowered my gaze to the princess.
“The princess is enjoying your company,” I added, and he looked down at her.
He was lying on his chest, his face on his elbows, and his chin on his fist.
“Hey, my sweet baby,” he smiled, looking at the princess, and she laughed.
A smile appeared on my face, and I looked at him as he feathered her cheek. She closed her eyes sleepily.
“Don’t make her fall asleep,” I said, and he glanced at me with furrowed brows.
“Why?” I looked at the princess and began pulling the comforter down to her waist and untying her tiny clothes.
“Because she won’t sleep after her bath. She needs to rest after taking a bath,” I explained, and the princess smiled at me.
“Oh,” he muttered, and I noticed his finger helping me untie her clothes as he asked in a slow voice, “Suman, are you okay?”
I lowered my gaze at the change in his tone and tried to reassure him, “Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me. “Do you hate me?” he asked, and I didn’t know what to say.
Suddenly, I felt as if I couldn’t love him. I felt disgusted. I knew he had saved me, but there was something that had happened last night that I couldn’t comprehend. However, I didn’t hate him.
“No, I don’t,” I intoned, pouring oil in my palm, rubbing my hands together to warm it before gently pressing them against the princess’s chest.
“What are you thinking, Suman?” he asked in a low, pleading tone, and I shook my head.
“I don’t know, Kunwar-sa,” I replied, massaging the princess. She turned silent, feeling my hands on her.
“Are you upset?” he asked, and I lifted my gaze to him, asking, “Why are you worried? Don’t you have anything else to do?”
He lowered his gaze and nodded. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t know what I was doing, Suman. I just wanted some love and affection,”
I massaged the princess's hand.
“So, did you get any?” I asked, and he shook his head.
“Please, Suman, I’m sorry. You know I’ve changed. I won’t hurt you,” he said, and I shook my head.
“I don’t know, Kunwar-sa. It feels like something is missing,” I said, and suddenly he held my wrist, making me look at him.
“What is missing, Suman?” he asked pleadingly, and I shook my head again.
“I don’t know. I don’t see you as any different from my late husband, Kunwar-sa,” I couldn’t help but say, and he fell silent.
He gritted his teeth and lowered his gaze, releasing my wrist.
“Oh.”
“You both went to brothels, slept with women, and I can handle anything but that,” I said, biting my lip, trying not to break into tears.
“It feels like a trap, Kunwar-sa. Since the day my husband left me, I’ve been running from men.
I’m running from feelings, emotions, and relationships.
After him, I didn’t dare look into any man’s eyes.
I felt restless if any man came near me.
And after realising there’s no difference between you and him, I can’t do this.
I can’t go through that pain again. I can’t accept it,” I explained, my eyes welling with tears.
“I mean, I’m not anyone special to you. You saved me, and we were drawn to each other, but I don’t know; after hearing your past, I can’t see you as my husband.
I feel it would hurt me. I don’t know how to trust you or accept what’s happening right now,” I inhaled deeply, trying to regain my composure, a single tear rolling down my cheek.
“I’m scared, Kunwar-sa. It feels like I won’t be able to handle that again.
And I don’t want to see you in pain either.
It would hurt you, too, if I couldn’t trust you.
It would hurt you if I looked at you with suspicion.
I know you aren’t the same person anymore, but I can’t; I won’t be able to handle it, especially after learning that…
” I lowered my gaze and bit my trembling lip.
“It’s okay,” I heard his hoarse voice, breaking my heart.
“It's okay. I understand,” he inhaled deeply. “I know it’s difficult, and I understand. It’s totally fine with me.
You… you deserve to be happy; you don’t need me, I mean…
” He sighed deeply, lowering his gaze. “You’re right.
You’re right. You… deserve someone good…
and… and, I think… I think I should go,”
Suddenly, he rose to his feet and walked away.
My heart ached even more; I broke into silent sobs, watching him walk away. I didn’t understand what was happening to me.
But I knew my heart wasn’t at peace. I didn’t know what I wanted or how I felt. It was causing me pain.
I inhaled deeply and glanced at the princess, who looked in his direction.
She wore a sad expression and suddenly began crying.
I closed my eyes.
“Suman,” Suddenly, Nandani's voice caught my attention, and I turned to look at her.
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