Chapter 29
It hurt seeing Nandani walking away from me.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t tell her anything because I didn’t want to reveal anything about his past. But it felt like no one understood me.
What on earth did I do?
I didn’t know what to feel. My heart sank because I hadn’t met him, and yet he left.
And it was entirely my fault. He came to see me, to tell me something, yet I didn’t listen.
What did he want to say?
I bit my lip and stood up, trying to hide my tears. I wanted to find out where he had gone. What on earth was happening?
Princess Rashmika was in the palace, so where did he go?
Wait!
Did he go to war?
My heart suddenly stopped at the realisation, and I felt a tightening ache in my chest. I ran to Nandani’s chamber.
“Nandani,” I called, watching her lay the Princess on the bed. “Nandani, can you tell me where he went?” I asked as she sighed, walked toward me, took my hand, and led me to the couch.
“Sit down,”
I did, and she too.
Holding her hands with my trembling ones, I begged, “Please, Nandani, I’m sorry. I know I didn’t tell you anything, but is he okay?” My voice wavered.
She nodded, gently caressing my hand. “Yes, he’ll be fine.” I inhaled a breath of relief. “But what happened between you two?” she stared into my eyes.
“I think I messed it up badly,” I accepted, shaking my head, losing my senses.
She patted my shoulder gently, muttering, “Well, if you don’t tell me, how can I help you?”
I looked at her. “Nandani,” inhaling sharply. “He told me about his past, and it hurt me.”
She frowned. “What? Why?” she questioned.
I told her everything he had told me. It was a long conversation, and I felt lost. I cried, trying to form the words.
She wrapped her arms around me, murmuring, “Suman, calm down. That’s okay,”
I sobbed as she lifted my chin to make me look at her.
“You know what? Nothing is worth pursuing more than your own heart,” she explained.
“I won’t say anything about him, whether right or wrong, because he has done nothing wrong to anyone, including you.
The past doesn’t define a person. Even Rudra betrayed me at some point, but that didn’t make me love him any less.
Agastya has done nothing to you. He has always protected you, saved you, and made you happy.
And all you did in return was call him something he didn’t want to hear.
I know you’re heartbroken, but he isn’t the reason. Why would you hurt him?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Nandani. It’s just that he reminds me of my deceased husband,” I said, looking at her, who stared back at me and shook her head.
“Suman, you shouldn’t think about him or anyone right now. If you see your dead husband in Agastya, then I think you should avoid him, stop talking to him, and even stop thinking about him. Just tell him you don’t want to be around him,” she suggested.
I shook my head. “But I want to, Nandani.”
“This way,” She inhaled deeply and continued, “You’re only going to hurt both of you.”
I swallowed hard, staring at her. “If you want to be with him, if you like him or love him, accept him with his past, just as he accepted you with yours. He’ll hate you if you keep punishing him for mistakes he never made.
And I don’t think he wants that. Tell me, has he ever tried to hurt you? ” she asked.
I bit my lip, shaking my head. “But, Nandani, I’m scared. I fear getting hurt again,” I tried to justify as she rubbed my hand, looking into my eyes.
“I understand. But I see you don’t trust him enough to fall in love with him. You know, Suman, you can overcome every fight, but you can’t overcome insecurity and trust issues. This is the only thing that hurts brutally and deeply,” she said.
“But I trust him,” I argued.
“Would you trust him if he told you something without checking it and disregarding what you saw?” she asked in a slow voice, “You saw him with Rashmika, and he said there was nothing between them—that they were just friends. Did you trust him?”
I shook my head. “How can I trust him when I found them hugging each other, Nandani?” I explained, and she took a deep breath.
“So what he says doesn’t matter to you?” she asked, and I swallowed hard, staring at her in silence.
“I don’t know what I’m feeling. I want him back, healthy and happy. I don’t want to hurt him. I feel bad. He left without even seeing me. I mean, he could’ve come to me,” I expressed, and she gritted her teeth and lowered her gaze briefly.
“He came to you, Suman,” she said quietly. “He came to your room, the attendants told me. You didn’t even open the door for him. They saw him crying outside your door.”
She paused, then went on, her voice firmer. “You can’t be heartless to someone just because something heartless happened to you. He’s the one who married you in front of an entire village to protect you.”
She shook her head. “Even when he was leaving, he came to me and told me to look out for you and not stress you unnecessarily.”
“You’re my best friend, Suman,” Her voice softened. “In all parts of my life, I’ve made you my partner in crime. Since meeting you, I’ve seen nothing less than a sister in you. My family treats you like one of us when your parents don’t even know if you’re alive or not.”
Then she looked at me steadily. “But in this, you’re wrong. And it’s not just because he’s my brother-in-law, it’s because the pain you caused him was unnecessary, and he didn’t deserve it.”
“You didn’t hesitate even once to call him the same as your dead husband,” she continued. “Has he ever forced himself on you? Did he ever try to hurt you? With him, all I’ve seen in you is a smile and a laugh.”
Her voice dropped. “But you’re too boxed in by your pain to see anything good happen to you.”
She stepped closer. “Suman, if you keep hanging on to the past without giving life another chance, no matter how good a man comes into your life, you’ll never be able to build a good relationship with him.”
She hesitated, then asked softly, “Leave Agastya—can you trust men?”
I sobbed silently. “It’s too difficult, Nandani. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I agreed as tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Nothing is wrong with you, Suman. You just think something is wrong with you. Believe that you deserve to be happy, too. Why are you afraid of being hurt? If you don’t let go of this feeling, you’ll never see that you’re already hurting yourself.
Can’t you see that without him, you’re already in pain?
Can’t you notice that it’s hard for you to smile without him?
Can’t you realise that he’s the only man who has truly made you happy, smile, and feel comfortable? ” she said, and I inhaled deeply.
“I know, Nandani,” I said, blinking through tears. “I know he cares for me and loves me, but I don’t understand what’s wrong. I don’t know why I hurt him, and now I’m unsure how to fix my mistakes. What if he’s angry and won’t talk to me?” I asked, and she inhaled deeply.
“Honestly, if I were in Agastya’s place, I would never talk to you again,” she said bluntly. “Some things are just beyond repair.”
She sighed before continuing. “From what you told me, you not only hurt him but also made him question himself. Do you realise what he must feel after hearing all that from the person he poured his heart into?”
Her voice softened. “None of us had the slightest idea of everything he had been through, yet he shared it with you. His purpose was not to hurt you, Suman. Trust me, Rudra and Prince Ranvijay didn’t raise him that way.”
She gave a small smile. “He might be bubbly and flirty, but he’s a genuine man.
And putting aside my opinions, don’t do anything.
Follow your heart. If you don’t want to talk to him, then don’t.
Don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to do.
He’ll eventually get past this,” she went on.
“No one will ever know what happened between you. He’ll never show it on his face, and trust me, even after this, he won’t hate you. ”
“So calm down,” she said gently. “I’m sure whatever it is within you, he’ll understand. But please understand him too. Don’t make it all about yourself.”
I gulped silently, listening to her, and nodded.
“Rani-sa,” an attendant caught our attention, prompting us to lift our gaze and look at her. “Kunwar-sa,” she said, and I noticed her eyes tense and her fingers shaking as she pointed behind her. “He has arrived,” her voice trembled.
My heart raced wildly.
My voice trembled as I stood up and asked, “Where did he come back from?”
“From the war,” the attendant replied; images of blood, sword, and his near-death experience on the battlefield overwhelmed me. My head spun, dropping me to my knees.
“Suman,” Nandani quickly embraced me and patted my cheeks.
My heart raced uncontrollably.
“Kunwarsa,” my heartbeat and breathing shallowed, and I didn’t understand what had happened to me.
I felt a glass pressed between my lips and a coldness against my throat as Nandani gently patted my cheeks.
“He’s fine, Suman. Hold yourself together,” I heard her voice, and my eyes shot open at the mention of him.
I got up to run toward the main entrance. My legs wobbled. The attendants watched me. Tears streamed down my face, and suddenly, I stumbled over a stone and fell onto my elbow. A deep cry escaped my lips, and I felt Nandani’s hand on my shoulder.
“Suman, calm down,” she said worriedly, and I quickly returned to my feet.
“What happened to him?” I babbled, unable to control my swirling, dark thoughts.
The priest’s voice echoed, telling me I was his problem. But we weren’t properly married; how could he get the bad fortune?
I ran again and halted far from the main entrance, noticing the convoy of soldiers entering, many bleeding. Ranaji and Hukum-sa were also there.
I approached them with shaky feet, my heart sinking lower with every step, until suddenly, a loud cheer erupted.
“Kunwar Agastya Dev Singh ki!”