Chapter 30
With each passing day, I watched the blanket of stars spread across the dark sky, shining like pearls and then transforming into thick clouds, accompanied by thunder, lightning, and rain, reminding me of the distance between us.
Each shiver I felt under the naked sky on the cold roof of Mehrangarh’s chamber made me wonder why I wasn’t with her.
But then, a painful memory would make me sigh deeply and remind me that not all possessions are loving; some can feel like slavery.
But day by day, the sting of those words softened, replaced by smiles of beauty, allure, and vitality that took my breath away.
The bright, innocent, yet possessive and empty eyes, screaming for love, blurred my vision.
Eyes that used to look down in moments of confusion, uncertainty, and self-doubt.
Her lips, which curved upward whenever I teased her, when she parted them to call me ‘Kunwar-sa’, constantly reminded me of my responsibilities.
A corner of my heart still beat for her.
Even amidst the chaos, pain, and separation, the memories of her brought a smile to my lips each day.
My mornings would begin with an impatience to return to my empire, hold her tightly in my arms, and tell her how much I loved her.
But as the sun would reach its zenith, spreading warmth everywhere with everything it had, sanity would envelop me, reminding me of what she endured because of me.
By evening, I would resolve that I was not helping her, but increasing her pain.
Finally, I would go back to sleep, feeling an uneasiness about the heartache she had experienced in my presence.
I engaged in more physical activities to distract myself from her, such as exercise, fighting, and horse riding. Yet, I only wanted to be closer to her during these months.
Each time, I reminded myself that I had caused her pain. A thought occurred to me that perhaps I was the one who could help her relieve it.
I felt very weak and lost when I left Suryagarh.
But now, I was no longer that way. I realised I shouldn’t feel bad about whatever she said. She was my wife; she could feel hurt if something related to me caused her pain. She had the right to be angry with me and to hurt me.
I shouldn’t have felt bad.
However, I needed time.
As I was heading home after almost a year, I wasn’t sure if she would smile when she saw me. I didn’t even dare to face her. Knowing how much I had hurt her, I didn’t have the strength to look into her eyes.
I just wanted to celebrate the Princess’s birthday and return the next day.
I was just a mile from the palace, my heart pounding wildly. I could feel the sweat on my palms, and I didn’t understand why Ashwait ran even faster.
I took a deep breath before entering the palace, but my heart sank even lower.
Calm Down. She will not eat you.
I did not know what to do.
After putting Ashwait in the stable, I walked through the corridors. The attendants smiled and bowed to me. Officials recognised me and inquired about my well-being.
It was merely a formality; nobody cared about my feelings.
I sighed deeply and strode to Bhai-sa’s chamber to meet my princess. As I entered the expansive chamber, my steps slowed, as if my heart instinctively knew she would be there. I could hear my heart hammering loudly.
Yet a part of me wanted to meet her, ask her if she was okay, and find out if she was feeling better without me.
My heart sank even deeper, and eventually, my heartbeat stopped when I saw her step out of Bhabhi-sa’s bedroom with Rudraja in her hand. And just seeing her smile made my lips curve instinctively.
She looked beautiful, as always, in her simple clothes. There was a fresh glow on her face, and the moment she laughed with Rudraja and wiped Rudraja’s tears, I couldn’t help but bite my lip to keep myself from smiling.
My babies were close together.
She didn’t notice me watching her as she placed Rudraja next to her and then sat down to make laddoos. The other attendants saw me, but walked away quietly at my signal.
Rudraja squealed, turning her head to me. I grinned. And as I stepped closer to her, she chortled in joy.
She turned her head back to the laddoos and picked one up. After tasting it, she smiled at Suman, and I couldn’t help but think how great she was with babies.
As I approached them, Rudraja stood up. She had even pulled her dupatta down, mistakenly, and I couldn’t help but gulp as I gazed at her back, glowing in the sunlight. A mole on the side of her waist caught my attention.
My lower lip curled inward, pressed between my teeth.
As Rudraja stumbled down, Suman chuckled softly. And I adored them in silence.
I sat down behind her and looked at Rudraja, who tried to stand up again and look at me. She pulled herself up with the help of Suman’s thighs, back, and arms. She gripped Suman’s blouse knot with her tiny fingers.
As she glanced at me, she nearly stumbled again. I gestured for her to grab the string of Suman’s blouse while holding onto the strings of my overcoat.
“Tataaaaattaaaaa,” she squealed, asking me with nods. I nodded back, and she giggled even more.
Suddenly, when she was about to fall again, she pulled the string off her blouse.
I couldn’t control my smile.
Suman flinched and turned to face her. Rudraja laughed, slapping her hands against the floor, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
She may have sensed Suman’s anger as she quickly crawled toward me. I pulled her into my arms and lifted my gaze to look at her shrinking Kaaki-sa.
Her expression shifted from surprise to shock when her eyes met mine. I froze momentarily, watching her face pale, and suddenly I heard my Bhai-sa.
She immediately ran away, and I felt my heart ache.
I tried to stay composed in front of my brother as he took me to meet the officials of the kingdom.
Rudraja, in my arms, started playing with my face and laughing. But as soon as she spotted her Bade
Kaako-sa, she leaned toward him.
“How are you, Agastya?” Ranvijay Bhai-sa asked, taking Rudraja from my hands. We hugged tightly.
“I’m doing well, Bhai-sa. How about you?” I asked, and the layer of formality between us tore away after a while.
I met King Abhinandan, Queen Trisha, and all the guests. After meeting Aishwarya Bhabhi-sa, I learned she was expecting. My happiness soared to the point that I couldn’t help but lift her into my arms.
She squealed, and I quickly set her down, earning a gentle slap from her on my cheek. I felt like I was on cloud nine.
“Finally, another baby; it’ll be a boy, I know,” I said, and she chuckled, shaking her head gently.
“We cannot say yet,” she said, and I nodded silently. I asked her how she was doing and watched her play with Rudraja.
Rudraja was everyone’s favourite. Her unique quality was that, at such a young age, she knew who her family was. She would reach for her Maamo-sa44, or Naani-sa’s45 hand, recognising everyone. She even knew Eklavya.
The craziest thing about her was that she was trying to call everyone by their names.
I laughed so hard when she attempted to call Bhai-sa ‘Lullll’.
But even among my family, I felt an emptiness. I couldn’t find her; she wasn’t around. I could sense that she was distancing herself from me. Part of me felt guilty for making her feel that way, while another feared she might feel the same.
Suddenly, Rudraja cried in Ranvijay Bhai-sa’s arms, and I took her in my arms.
“Maybe she is hungry,” I said.
Rudra Bhai-sa agreed. “She is hungry. It’s her feeding time.”
She yelled at Rudra Bhai-sa in frustration. Hearing her, all I could do was laugh.
“Baapu-sa bola karo, anyatha pitaayi hogi,” “Call me Baapu-sa, or you will be slapped.” he said, cupping her cheeks.
She shook her head and smiled, showing her teeth.
“Alright, my little princess, let’s take you to your mother,” I said as she rested her head on my shoulder, singing softly. I couldn’t understand her words.
When I arrived at Bhabhi-sa’s chamber, I called her out to let her know of my presence before stepping into the chamber.
Seeing her, I informed Rudraja was hungry.
She held Rudraja in her arms and said, “Suman, can you bring some warm water, please?”
My heartbeats stopped, and I turned to find Suman standing a little away from us.
I gulped nervously as she turned toward me. She didn’t even glance in my direction, and I felt an ache.
She nodded before silently walking away, and I couldn’t help but follow her.
The corridors were empty, with only a few attendants drifting here and there. Everyone was engaged in the gathering’s preparation.
She was in haste, and I could sense her falling apart at any moment.
My hands itched to hold her tightly in my arms and tell her everything I wanted to express. I wanted to apologise for all the pain she went through because of me.
I jogged a bit and slowed down to match her steps. I took a deep breath before clamping her wrist. She visibly shivered, and I felt her shrink away from my touch.
My heart heaved as she turned back to look at me.
Her swollen eyes met mine.
My hand wrapped around her waist, and she blinked nervously. The pain was visible on her face, the silence heavy with it. She hesitated, melting into me.
I lifted her into my arms, sensing her trembling. Her eyes widened, and I pulled her closer to my chest, tightening my grip to hug her.
The feeling of her fingers fisting into my hair, pulling me closer, and pressing into me, broke me into crying.
She broke into tears as well before murmuring against my neck, “I hate you so much,”
I closed my eyes, surrendering. Her warmth calmed, held, and healed me, and I felt frustrated knowing I could not exist without her.
“I hate you so fucking much,” I retorted. My voice had grown hoarse and dry from crying, and I glanced at the attendants watching us.
I sucked in a sharp breath and turned my feet to take her to my chamber.
Before I entered the chamber, I signalled the guards standing outside not to disturb us.
It was clean and scented with fresh fragrances.