Suman
I watched two people enter the dimly lit, warm room. The sudden change of plans caused my heartbeat to drop. I felt his fingers gently feathering the back of my hand, and I couldn ’ t help but move closer to him as he wrapped his shawl around me.
"Are you comfortable?" he asked softly, whispering into my ear. I nodded slightly.
"It's okay. You can speak in a slow voice,” he said. I gulped nervously, gripping his wrist wrapped around my waist and resting in my lap.
His other hand gently rubbed my arm as I asked,
"What exactly will they do?"
My voice emerged slowly and fearfully, eliciting a light chuckle from him, tinged with teasing.
"Whatever you wish,"
his words sparked something within me, and I felt his lips brush against my ear.
I gazed silently at the couple ascending the stage, and suddenly the music began. The low beats intertwined with the high pitch of the tabla, harmonizing beautifully with the flute's melody, easing the chaos in my mind.
The couple wore long gowns that touched their feet. They stood facing each other, watching with different perspectives.
The tabla beats slowed briefly as the flute sound grew while they circled each other.
A slight smile appeared as I watched them nestled in his warm embrace and protective arms. The couple stepped closer, their eye contact becoming intense, and butterflies erupted in my stomach when the man slowly wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned in to kiss her. I gulped nervously. The tabla started beating again as they deepened the kiss right in front of us, but they seemed unbothered. Suddenly, the girl pulled back, looking into his eyes with a hint of pain and agony.
His brows thinned, and I wondered if they were doing some act.
She ran away from him, but he immediately pulled him back, colliding her into his chest and fisting her hair.
My heart raced as I watched them, and Kunwarsa whispered in my ear. “ Are you liking it?”
I bit my lips and buried half my face in his shawl, silencing him softly. "Shhhh,"
I could feel him smiling as he lovingly kissed my cheek.
The man kissed her again, this time with a fierce passion, and she surrendered to him. Gradually, he turned her to face away from him, revealing her beautiful white face and long hair, her gaze directed downward.
He started unknotting her dress, and now my chest began to rise and settle low with the breath. With the painful slowness, he pulled the shoulder of her dress down, revealing her milk-white naked body.
I gasped slowly, unable to stop myself from speaking in a soft voice. “ She is beautiful,”
I felt his smile and gulped nervously, seeing her perfectly carved body. She did not have any fat or extra hair on her body. Her breasts were medium-sized, perfect, and tight, and I slowly turned my gaze to look at him watching her.
I bet Kunwarsa wasn ’ t even seeing them as he murmured slowly against my cheeks, “ Not more beautiful than you.”
I couldn ’ t help but smile as I turned my gaze back to her.
Her gown slipped down, and she turned to face her man, revealing her perfect hips. He wrapped his hand around the back of her waist and slowly slid it lower on her hips, giving them a gentle squeeze.
I felt a knot in my stomach when I saw it, and I asked slowly, “ Why would he do that?”
He inhaled deeply and muttered in my ear slowly. "It feels good,"
My brows furrowed, and I bit my lower lip as the man began to kneel before her, leaving kisses on her neck, chest, and stomach. He rested one of her legs on his shoulder before placing his lips on her core.
I blinked silently, remembering the moment Kunwarsa did that to me.
“ Do you mean like kissing us there?” I asked slowly, and he nodded, rubbing his cheek against mine.
"I do not know about other men, but I surely loved sucking your honey water," his words dried my throat, and suddenly, the woman moaned and clung to the man ’ s hair with her fingers.
I tightened my fist on his wrist and watched the woman moving her hips against his mouth faster and harder. She started touching her breast, squeezing one of her nipples, and suddenly, the man made her lay on the mattress beneath them, and I shivered a little.
With hesitation, I lowered my gaze for a moment, but I glanced back at them as a different woman within me took control.
“ What else would you like to do to me?” I attempted to ask slowly as he brushed his lips against my earlobe, whispering deliberately and slowly.
I gulped, hearing him say, "Whatever you would enjoy, no limits," and looked at the man taking off his clothes, and the moment my eyes watched him naked and rubbing his hardness, I felt something in my gut. I imagined him to Kunwarsa.
I momentarily moved my gaze off of him, knowing that my man was with me, but the scene before me was too much to ignore.
The woman sat up, and the man stood up on his knees before her. I watched her moving her long hair away from her face and body to the behind, and the man cupped her cheek, slowly bringing her face closer to his manhood.
I gulped nervously when she opened her mouth and took it in.
My lips curled inward to be punished by my teeth, and he whispered slowly in my ear.
"That's what you should do after losing the bet.” His words made me feel flushed, and I watched her silently, taking the whole of him inside her mouth. She gagged suddenly, and I felt my stomach twisting, watching it.
Unknowingly, the image of Kunwarsa sitting on his bed and me doing it blurred my vision, causing me to shake my head slowly.
"That's too much," I whispered in a slow voice, and he kissed my cheek with a slow whisper. "That's okay. No pressure,"
I felt the haze climbing up on my mind as I saw the woman sucking his hardness. And he held her hair back and guided her moves according to him.
"Would you also do that?" I asked in a slow voice, and he questioned in a slow voice. "What?"
"What he is doing, I mean, the way he is moving her head on him?" I spoke in a slow voice and turned to look into his eyes, watching me, which I could feel even through the darkness.
I immediately cupped his cheek and angled his face to them, which he quickly brought back to me.
“ If you want me to,” he muttered, and I could see his body heating up.
"Ohh," I muttered and looked back at the couple.
They continued doing it until she gagged three times more, joggled him down on the mattress, and sat in his lap, putting her legs beside either side of his waist.
He placed his hands on her hips as she slowly guided herself onto him, enclosing him within her.
I felt a tightness in my core as they began doing it. But something was different about them. He was moving her hips slowly against him. They started kissing each other while she was rocking in his lap. He groaned in her mouth, and I bit on my lips.
I remembered when Kunwarsa had me sit on his lap. He made me feel him through the fabric between us, and I felt released just by that.
It was too much.
They continued doing it, and suddenly, the woman moved off his lap and turned opposite to him, weighing herself on her hands and knees.
My brows thinned with confusion.
“ What is she doing?” I asked slowly, and he muttered in my ear.
“ Keep watching, love,” my cheeks flushed with warmth as the man knelt and pushed into her from behind.
She moaned louder, and the melody of the instruments also increased along with that. She lay unguarded in front of him, and he started pounding himself into her, slowly at first, and then he did something that twisted something in my stomach.
He held her hair in the fist and pulled her face back a little.
She cried out loud.
“ He ’ s hurting her,” I said, glancing at him, and he shook his head slowly.
“ No, he isn ’ t. She ’ s enjoying it,” he intoned, and I furrowed my brows in confusion.
"Why would she enjoy her hair pulled like that?" I questioned, and he kissed my cheek.
“ A bit of pain is sweet in lovemaking,” he said slowly, and I turned my gaze back to them.
Well, he was not even watching. He did not know.
Leaving her hair, he held both sides of her waist and started thrusting into her faster. She collided on the mattress, pressing her face into the sheets, and I tightened my fist on his wrist while asking. "Would you also enjoy doing something like that to me?"
He laughed softly, taking his time, and whispered in my ear, “ Trust me, you ’ re going to beg me to do it this way.”
His words made me feel wetter in my core than before, and I gulped silently. "No, I would never," I muttered slowly, and he stayed silent.
Suddenly, they both shifted their positions, and I looked at the man lying on the mattress and the girl sitting on him, taking him in.
I felt his face tilting into my cheek and stroked his wrist. He asked in a slow voice. "Would you also enjoy riding me like that?"
A smile spread across my face as I gulped and slowly muttered back, “ Trust me, you ’ re going to beg me to do it this way.”
He laughed slowly and kissed my cheek.
"You are the only woman I can beg wholeheartedly to," He muttered slowly, and I smiled, watching the woman riding the man slowly and perfectly. She was rolling her hips on him in a circle, and I thinned my brows with confusion.
"Does it feel good to man?" I asked in a slow voice, and he nodded.
"It does, and imagine watching you naked, riding me, and you are moaning my name; ahhhhh, that would be such a treat,” He said in a teasing voice, and I slapped his hand slowly.
"Shut up; my imagination is slow," I said in a slow voice, and suddenly, the woman stood up from him, and the man followed.
My brows furrowed in confusion when the man pinned the woman against the pole in the corner of the stage and suddenly lifted her, wrapping her legs around his waist.
“ What ’ s he doing?” I asked right away, and he whispered slowly.
"Living my dream,"
I gritted my teeth and watched the man thrusting into the woman while standing, holding her up in a hug.
Her moans became harder and louder, and just imagining it happening to me gave me goosebumps.
Kunwarsa was taller than this man, even more muscular and stronger than him. He would have the bigger one, too. That means I would be moaning louder than her.
“ Is that your dream?” I asked slowly as he nodded, rubbing his cheek against mine.
"Yes," he muttered.
I bit my lip and shook my head shyly. “ I will die, Kunwarsa,”
He cupped my cheek, and I couldn ’ t help but close my eyes as he pressed his lips against mine, sucking gently and then harder.
“ That ’ s okay. Only this kind of death is allowed for you to enjoy,” he muttered against my lips as I asked in a slow voice. "Shall we go now?"
He kissed my lips again and muttered. "As you wish, ika Ji,"
And I could not stop myself from giggling.
But, suddenly, my attention was caught by those couple. Her moans filled the room, and suddenly, he pulled himself out, and she kneeled before him and started sucking him again.
I suddenly felt disgusted looking at them and turned my gaze to look at him.
"Is she eating that? The white thing?" I asked, managing a small laugh as he nodded slightly. "Yes."
"Ewwww," I immediately shook my head.
We walked out of the Haveli, his hand in mine capturing my attention from the ground beneath us.
"Are you okay?"
He asked slowly, and I nervously nodded.
"Yes,"
He offered a small smile as we walked silently toward Ashwait.
"Where to, ika ji?"
He inquired, rubbing his horse's neck, and I glanced down momentarily.
"Home,"
I managed to reply, causing his brows to furrow in confusion.
"Why home? The night is young, and you have the man at your mercy; think wild,"
He murmured slowly, and I felt a blush creeping onto my cheeks. My stomach had felt tense and different since I had entered the Haveli.
"Oh," I said, lowering my gaze again.
"Wherever you wish to take me,"
He smiled and stepped closer.
I instinctively stepped back. When he mentioned he wouldn ’ t mind if I saw another man undressed, I thought he was merely playing Prince Charming's card. But I didn ’ t know how to feel afterward.
Watching it together was one thing, but seeing each other after was another challenge entirely. It felt as if a string of discomfort had snapped between us.
"Are you sure?" He softy asked, and I focused on his midriff, unable to lift my gaze. As he gently brushed my chin, my lashes felt heavy, forcing my gaze to meet his.
I nodded, looking into his eyes, feeling his lips smile as he traced the back of his fingers lightly against my cheek, slowly moving to my neck.
My heart raced as he muttered,
"Soch lo, ladkio ke maamle me hamara naam vese bhi badnaam hai,"
"Think again; I have a poor reputation with girls,"
I inhaled deeply, feeling my stomach twist as I stared into his moonlit green eyes. He resembled a predator with kohl smudged along his lower eyelids, his lashes thick. Suddenly, he pulled me closer, causing my eyes to widen in shock.
"Esa kaha le jaenge aap hume jiske liye hume dobara sochna pade,"
"What kind of place would it be if I had to think twice about it?"
I managed to ask slowly, while he leaned closer, making my breath uneven.
"Esi jagah jaha ladkia jaane se darti hai,"
"A place that girls fear to go,"
He whispered slowly, and I swallowed nervously, locking eyes with him.
"What place?" I asked, gazing at his lips that curved into a broad smile. My toes ached as I hesitated to meet his gaze, and he slowly replied,
"Sasural,"
"In-law's house,"
My brows furrowed in disbelief, and he chuckled, prompting me to push him away.
"Hum kyu darenge sasural jaane se,"
"Why would I fear going to my in-law's house?"
I queried, and he laughed lightly, wrapping his arms around my waist to assist me onto the horse.
"Hn, tum kyu darogi, tum to sasural me hi rehti ho,"
"Yeah, why would you be scared? You actually live in your in-law's house,"
He replied, then climbed behind me. I felt his arms enveloping me as he asked softly,
"Ghar chale, ?"
"Shall we head home, ?"
His voice took on a serious tone, and I nodded.
"Ji,"
I responded, and he leaned in to kiss my head while directing Ashwait to move.
The ride was brief, though the surroundings felt unfamiliar. Darkness surrounded us, and soon we approached the forest's edge, where our bonfire remained.
Confused, I watched him dismount, stepping forward to take my hand and lead me closer to the still-burning fire. I glanced at him as he added wood, asking,
"Is this home? Kunwarsa?"
He smiled faintly while kneeling near the fire to rekindle the embers, nodding.
"Yes, this is home,"
He affirmed, and I felt a nervous gulp, turning back to the small cottage, comforted by the fire's warmth.
"Who lived here?" I inquired slowly, turning back to find him seated beside me after standing up.
"Us. My brothers and I,"
He responded, and I looked up at him.
"You did not live in the Kingdom?" I asked, and he shook his head.
"No. Until I visited the Kingdom for the first time, I didn ’ t even realize I was a Prince,"
He said, brow furrowing in thought.
"You didn ’ t know your parents?" I asked, and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, shaking his head.
"No, to me, my parents were my brothers and Maasima. I never even understood that a mother and father existed. I saw Rudra Bhaisa as my father and Ranvijay Bhaisa as my mother. They both love me, and at times I feel that I never needed parents; they provided everything. But sometimes,"
He paused, inhaling deeply.
I held his hand, swallowing silently.
"Sometimes?" I questioned slowly, and he weakly smiled.
"Sometimes, I wish I could at least meet my mother. There are no stories of being breastfed, no lullabies to sleep to, no warmth of a woman's embrace,"
He continued, and I tilted my head against his shoulder, lowering my gaze.
"And,"
He whispered, closing my eyes.
"And?" I prompted curiously.
“ And the first woman I encountered in my life was my Maasima, whom I had seen sleeping with a man for money, for needs. As a child, my thoughts contrasted between a woman as a comfort provider and a woman driven by need. I used to love her, but any day, she would choose to go back to a man rather than spend time with me. Any day, she would prefer to sleep with a man over feeding me with her own hands. My brothers were there to ask if I had lunch or dinner, but there were no hands to actually feed me. Sometimes, I feel I have everything, everything a man could ask for, but nothing.” His voice turned hoarse, and I silently listened to him, rubbing his hand gently.
"I started running from that emptiness with a big smile on my face and jokes on my lips. It was becoming easier to hide what I truly longed for rather than express it in words. Then, the second woman I encountered was that married princess,” he said, and I inhaled sharply at her mention. I didn ’ t know why, but I felt a heaviness in my chest as I listened to him. I bit my lips and continued to stroke my thumb gently on his hand.
“ The way she used to look at me made me feel as if she was a source of comfort. I wanted to talk to her; I wanted to share what I was feeling, what I longed for, what I desired.” His voice trembled, and I lifted my gaze to meet his eyes. His cheeks flushed red with the fire ’ s glow. Tears filled his eyes, on the verge of spilling over.
“ But she stripped my clothes instead of my heart. Once, twice, and it became too late to realize that this was just it. I… I didn ’ t know… what was hap… happening. I thought she found comfort in me, and I would find comfort in her. But as soon as we ended our physical session, she would ask me to stand outside her door again. That time, my fingers shook, but I thought maybe, in time, she would ask me in, would wrap me in her arms and ask about my life, what I was feeling—but it never came, .”
I felt a lump in my throat as I watched a tear roll down his cheek.
“ It never came, , and now I was running away from emptiness and a pang of guilt, too. Then a friend of mine asked me to join him at a place— a place that people call a brothel,”
I gasped and looked down at our joined hands. A jolt went through me as he pulled his hand away and began to speak. At that place, I encountered a woman in her middle age who assured my friend that she would groom me. I accompanied her inside, where she asked for my name and age—I fabricated my responses. She then inquired about my intentions. I did not want to do anything; I just wanted to talk. I said I wanted to talk. She smiled, looked at me, and sat beside me with tears in her eyes. She told me that I was the first man in her life to ask her to talk. I remained silent, feeling both afraid and helpless. The bubble in my heart felt huge, on the verge of bursting. But I listened to her. She shared her life story, how she was the child of a court dancer, and how her life led her into the skin business. She had five children; it was a compulsion at first, but after giving birth to them, it became a necessity to stay in that line of work. I listened to her all night and felt comforted knowing that my life wasn ’ t the only one that was difficult. The next morning, she smiled brightly and bid me goodbye with a warm hug. I didn ’ t know what to do. I was still young, only sixteen,” he said, and I smiled weakly, listening to her him.
“ Then?” I asked, and he let out a soft chuckle.
“ Then, I ran again, . I long for another escape, for that one moment when I could just be me, when I could truly be who I am. The hole inside me was widening; it captured my attention more than I could afford. It distracted me. And there was guilt within me, a feeling that I was betraying my brothers. I was lying to them, and I had done something I could never share with anyone. They would hate me if they knew,” he said, and I blinked silently, inhaling deeply as I looked at the glowing curves of the fire warming me while the coldness hit my back, freezing my spine.
“ I went to that brothel again to find that woman. I needed my time now; this time I would be talking. But instead, I met a young, beautiful woman, timid and in pain. She asked me the same question about what I needed. I didn ’ t know what I wanted at that moment, so I asked her what she wanted. She smiled and told me how attractive she found me. She said she had never met a handsome man like me and how she had never been satisfied before.” He paused, and I looked at his thumb, piercing his finger and whitening his knuckles with the strength of his grip.
I quietly reached for his hand and whispered, “ You can tell me anything, Kunwarsa.”
He smiled weakly and looked at me. "Call me Agastya; it will be easier for me to share," he gulped, and a tear escaped his eyes.
I gulped nervously and felt an ache in my heart, seeing the tears in his eyes.
“ You can tell me anything, Agastya,” I murmured slowly, and he smiled, looking down.
"I spent the night with her, and that night, I felt different. It was something more than I had ever experienced. She was the woman who looked at me with a spark in her eyes and shyness on her face. She appeared amazed, and before I could leave, she touched my feet and said she had never met a gentleman who treated her the way I did,"
I felt a pang in my chest hearing him. The mention of another woman hurt me.
"But I never met her again. She was bought by a Prince and gifted to someone,” he said, and I looked at the hurt on his face.
“ I never got the chance to tell her about myself. It hurt for days. I thought I could save her, protect her from the bad, from the other men, but I didn ’ t have the courage to do that. I couldn ’ t tell anyone about it. Then I started running away from the emptiness, guilt, and regret, all along with me,” he broke down a bit, letting the tears roll down his cheeks.
I started to feel weaker, even more than before. I tried to focus on my studies and refocus my attention on what mattered. I never knew where my life was heading. I grew restless day by day. I couldn ’ t forget everything that had happened during this time. Then, one day, my teacher asked me to gather some information for a kingdom. I felt grateful for such an opportunity. He placed his trust in me, and I began the mission,” he said, and I noticed the slight smile on his face.
“ I was determined to obtain information about a trade between two kingdoms. I attempted to act like a soldier and watch him closely, but he grew suspicious and dismissed me from my post. I lost the opportunity to enter the kingdom, but I learned that the king was attending a celebration and that dancers had been summoned from a well-known dance house. I visited this dance house in hopes of making some contacts, but I failed miserably as the women were reluctant to speak with a man. However, one adult woman pulled me into her room and asked what I wanted. I explained that I was seeking information. She smiled at me and said she would help, but in return, I would have to do something for her,”
I shaped my brows and asked, “ What did she ask you to do?”
He lowered his gaze and looked at me.
“ What would a woman ask a handsome young man to do?” he replied, and I gasped.
"Oh,"
He nodded. “ She asked me for the same thing, but I wanted to stay clean; I wanted to do this without any of the dirty stuff. She refused. I offered her money—double what I had offered before. She said she could make plenty of money dancing at the celebrations. She wanted to dominate a man for a night, just as men had dominated her. She was furious about treating a man the way she had been treated by men. I understood the pain behind her words, and I didn ’ t have many options. I agreed. She asked me to get on my knees,” He said, and my eyes widened with shock. But I said nothing.
"I did whatever she asked me to do that night. She dominated me, releasing all of her frustration with men. She pulled my hair, choked my neck, and filled my ear with cursing words. That day, I felt scared of a woman. I literally did. I had never seen such sight of a woman before. I remained silent, but it hurt me. And, in the morning, she agreed to do that for me and told me how she was kidnapped and brought here because she was beautiful. I did not know what I was doing, ," He said and looked at me with a tearful gaze. I did not know what to say.
“ I don ’ t want to keep you in the dark, . I can ’ t predict what part of my past might come back to me any day; I just don ’ t want you to be sad and caught off guard by it,” He said, and I smiled weakly.
“ You know, after that, I accepted that I was a bad man, a bad human being. I accepted that I was good for nothing, and my life took a depressing turn from there. I did get the information for that Kingdom, but in return, I lost a part of myself, like all the time. My teacher was happy with her, and he started to ask me for information more often. I made contacts. You know, there ’ s something strange about this world. People say it ’ s dominated by men. They say men make the rules and own it. But surprisingly, my experience was different. I found no man who had not been in touch with a woman. And I hadn ’ t found any woman who was not hurt by a man. I learned this and started to use it as my trick. I would be good to a woman, she would be good to me, and it would always be a win-win,” he said, and I sucked on my lips.
"Did you ever hurt any woman? I mean, it would not be too difficult for a woman to fall for you," I said in a slow voice, and he shook his head.
“ For the woman, I am not made for love. They knew what I was doing, and no woman would fall in love with a man like me. Never. They would enjoy me and share their stories, but they wouldn ’ t ask about me. In all of this, I went too far and forgot why I stepped out of my home,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.
“ I forgot what I wanted; I forgot that I left my home to talk, to tell someone how empty I was feeling. My charm, smile, and jokes masked it all for me. No one would ever guess that I could feel this emptiness. They always saw me as joyful, lovely, and someone delightful to spend time with,” he said, and I blinked silently.
“ And with all the emptiness, guilt, and regrets, I never found the courage to tell any woman that I liked her or that I had feelings for her. I was too afraid of rejection and being laughed at. For instance, I once told a girl that I enjoyed spending time with her, and she laughed at me. She mocked me and said she was having fun with me too. Since then, emotional connections became something I felt I would never have in my life. I lost hope for that. Then, one time, when I gathered all my courage to tell this beautiful princess that I liked her, she called me a manwhore. Honestly, I am,” he said, sighing deeply.
“ I ’ m a manwhore, ,” he said. I gulped silently and gazed at the fire. Honestly, I didn ’ t know what to say. I felt bad, and there was something else I felt. I never expected his past to be like this.
“ I am not a good man, . I am not like my brothers, who saved themselves for their wives. I am a spoiled man. By the time I realized I was a spoiled man, it was too late. I cannot erase what I have done. I did all of this consciously, and I cannot express my disdain for them in kind words because it is what it is. In all of this, I have lost a part of myself to them, . I can never be whole again. My thoughts are always scattered, and I carry so much within me that I can never be empty again,” he said, and I saw fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.
“ I lost all hope of finding that one person who would ask me what I had within me until I met this woman who needed saving. After spending my early adulthood with many different women, I developed a soft spot for them. Their stories shaped me. Any day, I would choose to save a woman over my happiness. That ’ s why when I read the letter for you, I couldn ’ t stop myself from searching for you,” he said, and I inhaled sharply, silently. Tears began to blur my vision.
“ I couldn ’ t stop myself from fighting for you. I wanted to protect you, save you, and bring you back home. But I had to pretend to marry you to keep you safe. Trust me, I ’ ve never done anything like that for any woman before. I didn ’ t feel anything while I did it; it was purely for your safety. I knew I was protecting you, just another woman under the rule of a male-dominated society. But the moment we entered this cottage, in the home of my childhood, I felt like I finally had a chance to tell someone about myself,” he said, and I bit my lower lip, trying not to cry.
“ But the way you preached about loyalty made me realize that I ’ m not meant for you. I understand what you ’ ve been through, and I know how hard it is for you to trust someone—a man—again. I know it ’ s difficult for you to be with someone like me, and I completely get that. I see it ’ s tough for you to trust a man like me again. I understand… I totally understand. And the way you look at me, , I see a hope in your eyes that I ’ ve never seen in any woman before. Honestly, it scares me. It reminds me of my past and makes me aware that I ’ m not a good man—not for any woman and especially not for you. It puts me on edge, . I ’ m afraid of hurting you. I don ’ t want to, and I knew I couldn ’ t keep you in the dark,” he said, looking at me.
“ ,” he called, and I blinked silently before turning to face him. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
“ , I cannot hide from you. I have killed people, and I have slept with women for information, sympathy, and even pleasure. I am not the good man you think I am. I play with words; I am clever, and I make people do what I want. I am too bad for you. I do not expect you to love me; I cannot. I do not deserve that after everything I have done in my life. I am not a good man, and I know you cannot trust someone like me. I understand it ’ s difficult for you. Being with me will always make you feel scared; you will feel suspicious of me cheating on you, hiding from you, or something like that. It ’ s understandable. You truly deserve better, . I ’ m telling you this now because I find myself at that point in life again where I am seeking an escape, running from everything to find someone to hold on to. One more day with you will break my guard, and I will never be able to come back from that.”
He lowered his gaze and inhaled deeply.
“ I ’ m falling for you, ,” he said, and I let more tears stream down my face.
“ And I don ’ t have very decent intentions for you, either. I want to be with you through thick and thin. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But,” he said, and I looked up at him. “ But?”
He gulped. “ But if we were together, there wouldn ’ t be any space for doubts, suspicions, or escape. You will be my everything, and I will be your everything,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.
“ And there will be no one between us. Not your deceased husband, not the women I ’ ve met, and not even this world. I will be there for you, and you will be there for me. I want to explore everything with you, and you can do the same. There will be no titles between us. I won ’ t be the Prince, and you won ’ t be the maid. We will just be two individuals, two souls,” he said, and I felt his hand on mine.
“ I want to spend the rest of my life with you, . But you don ’ t have to say anything right now,” he shook his head.
“ Take your time. If you want to leave, I ’ m not stopping you. You ’ ll find someone much better than me. Even Bhan Singh is a good guy. I ’ ve heard things about him. He ’ s someone I ’ ve never met before,” he chuckled.
“ I ’ m not lying, . I ’ m a bad man; you don ’ t have to be with me. You earn for yourself; you ’ re on your own. You don ’ t need me or any man if you don ’ t want to. Because of that incident, you don ’ t have to be with me. You have the freedom to decide, and I ’ m not in any hurry. You can tell me whenever you want. You don ’ t have to be with me if you don ’ t want to,” he said, and I lowered my gaze from him. I didn ’ t know what to say. It felt like too much all of a sudden. I let the fresh tears roll down my cheeks, and I couldn ’ t stop myself from speaking.
"I want to go home,"
I pulled my hand away from his. "I want to go home, Kunwarsa," I said as I stood up and wiped my tears. His voice turned hoarse. "Oh, okay," he replied, and I watched him wipe his own tears before walking toward Ashwait. My heart felt like it was caught in a storm—a storm of life, a storm of pain and love.
He helped me onto the horse and climbed in behind me. The ride back to the kingdom was silent, and when I stepped down from the horse, I turned to go back to my chamber. But he held my hand and stopped me. I tried not to cry as I looked into his red eyes.
"Are you okay, ?" he asked slowly. He licked his lips, and I gulped silently, feeling broken inside.
"I need time, Kunwarsa," I said softly. He nodded and let go of my hand. I didn ’ t know why, but hearing that from him felt more brutal. I always knew he had a past filled with women. It was something I couldn ’ t say I hadn ’ t expected. I anticipated it from him, but it hurt even more to know.
I returned to my room and sat on the mattress, pulling my knees to my chest as I cried. It hurt—it was painful. I felt betrayed. I didn ’ t understand why. My heart felt heavy as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. There was a strange weight on my chest, something I couldn ’ t shake off.
Why did he have to tell me all of this? I wished he hadn ’ t. I could understand what he had gone through because I had spent my life running from one thing to another, losing hope in people. But why did he have to tell me in this way? When he mentioned that he had lost parts of himself in the past and that they would never return, it sliced through my heart. I didn ’ t know what to do next.
I closed my eyes and burst into silent tears, unsure of why I was crying. I laid back and hid under the comforter, his words circling in my mind. I knew I wouldn ’ t be his first or second, but I didn ’ t want to know that. I didn ’ t know how to face him. We weren ’ t in love, so why did it hurt so much? My heart broke even more when I learned my husband had slept with another woman.
Kunwarsa hadn ’ t cheated on me; he hadn ’ t even looked at another woman since me and had shared everything about his past, yet it still hurt. Something was happening inside me; it felt as if history would repeat itself, like another, even more brutal pain was waiting for me. I didn ’ t know how to trust him. What if he slept with another woman again for information? What if he fell in love with someone else and returned to a brothel
What if I couldn ’ t please him like I couldn ’ t please my husband?
I shook my head and wiped away my tears. A headache started to form, so I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself.
I didn ’ t know what to do.
I wasn ’ t sure when I fell asleep.
I woke up to the sounds of daily chaos and the tinkling anklet bells of attendees rushing through the galleries.
My eyes flew open, and I quickly ran to take a bath and freshen up. I was already late.
I hurriedly bathed, changed into a regular outfit, and headed to Nandani's chamber. The sun was shining directly overhead, and my head throbbed.
The conversation we ’ d had last night kept replaying in my mind.
I entered Nandani's chamber and saw her sitting with Ranaji on the couch. She noticed me and turned back.
"Pranam, Ranaji and Ranisa," I said, placing my hands together, and she smiled at me.
"How are you?"
She asked, and I gulped silently, nodding as I tried to respond.
"I ’ m good," I finally said.
I watched them having lunch as she continued, "The sunlight is nice today. I ’ m planning to give Rudraja a bath. Can you give her an oil massage? She ’ s outside with her Kaakusa."
My brows furrowed slightly, but I nodded.
"Okay," I replied.
I walked away and asked an attendee to bring me the baby massage oil before heading to the meeting area where the baby was enjoying her sunbath.
I saw the princess lying on the carpet, wrapped in her baby comforter and velvet outfit, with Kunwar Agastya hovering over her and talking to her
"Aoooouuuuuhhhhhhhhhh, my baby," I heard him exclaim, and the princess squealed, reaching for his face.
Lowering my gaze, I walked towards him silently, and suddenly he lifted his gaze, noticing me, and murmured,
"Kaisi ho?"
"How are you?"
His gaze softened as he looked at me. I knelt to place the massage oil beside him, trying not to meet his eyes.
"Good," I replied softly, remaining silent.
There was a slight uneasiness between us, and I couldn ’ t understand why I felt different. Why did I feel trapped?
I had happily lived the last seven years without a man, and suddenly this man was making me feel everything I had feared feeling.
"Nandani asked me to massage the princess," I murmured, and he inhaled deeply, shifting a little away from her.
"Oh, okay," he said.
I silently gulped as I looked at the princess, who smiled at me.
"Enjoying your sunbath, Princess?" I said softly, leaning in to caress her cheek. She smiled and turned to look at Kunwarsa, squealing again.
She wanted him there.
"I should probably go," he said, and I didn ’ t know what I wanted.
"It's okay, you can stay," I managed to say slowly and lifted my gaze to look at him. My heart sank deeper as I noticed his slightly swollen eyes and washed-out face. It seemed as if he hadn ’ t slept well the night before, and the vision of last night appeared before me. Everything he told me flooded my mind, and I lowered my gaze to the princess.
"The princess is enjoying your company," I added, and he looked down at her. He was lying on his chest, resting his face on his elbows, his chin on his fist.
"Hey, my sweet baby," he smiled, looking at the princess, and she laughed a little. A smile appeared on my face, and I looked at him; as he feathered her cheek, she closed her eyes and looked sleepy.
"Don ’ t make her fall asleep," I said, and he glanced at me with furrowed brows.
"Why?" I looked at the princess and began pulling the comforter down to her waist and untying her little clothes.
"Because she won ’ t sleep after her bath. She needs to rest after taking a bath," I explained, and the princess smiled at me.
"Ohh," he muttered, and I noticed his finger helping me untie her clothes as he asked in a slow voice, ", are you okay?"
I lowered my gaze at the change in his tone and tried to reassure him, "Don ’ t worry, I ’ ll be okay." He lifted his gaze and looked at me.
"Do you hate me?" he asked slowly, and I didn ’ t know what to say. Suddenly, I felt as if I couldn ’ t love him. I felt a little disgusted. I knew he had saved me, but there was something that happened between us last night that I couldn ’ t comprehend. Though I didn ’ t hate him.
"No, I don ’ t," I managed to say slowly. I collected oil in my palm and rubbed my hands together to warm it before gently pressing them against the princess's chest.
"What are you thinking? ," he asked in a low, pleading voice, and I shook my head.
"I don ’ t know, Kunwarsa," I replied, starting to massage the princess. She turned silent and began to feel my hands on her.
"Are you upset?" he asked, and I lifted my gaze to him as I asked, "Why are you worried? Don ’ t you have anything else to do?"
He lowered his gaze and nodded. "I ’ m sorry. I really am. I didn ’ t know what I was doing, . I just wanted some love and affection," he said, and I began to massage the princess's hand.
"So, did you get any?" I asked, and he shook his head.
"Please, , I ’ m sorry. You know I ’ ve changed. I won ’ t hurt you," he said, and I gulped silently and shook my head.
"I don ’ t know, Kunwarsa. It feels like something is missing," I said, and suddenly he held my wrist, making me look at him.
"What is missing? ," he asked with a pleading tone, and I shook my head.
"I don ’ t know. I don ’ t see you as any different from my late husband, Kunwarsa," I couldn ’ t help but say, and he fell silent. He gritted his teeth and lowered his gaze, releasing my wrist.
"Oh."
"You both went to brothels, slept with women, and I could handle anything but that," I said, biting my lip, trying not to break into tears.
"It feels like a trap, Kunwarsa. Since the day my husband left me, I ’ ve been running from men. I ’ m running from feelings, emotions, and relationships. After him, I didn ’ t have the courage to look into any man's eyes. I felt restless if any man came near me. I don ’ t know. And after realizing there ’ s no difference between you and him, I can ’ t do this. I can ’ t go through that pain again. I can ’ t accept it," I tried to explain, my eyes welling with tears.
"I mean, I ’ m not anyone special to you. You saved me, and we both got drawn to each other, but I don ’ t know; after finding all this out about you, I can ’ t see you as my husband. I feel it would hurt me. I don ’ t know how to trust you or accept what ’ s happening right now," I inhaled deeply, trying to regain my composure, a single tear rolling down my cheek.
"I ’ m scared, Kunwarsa. I won ’ t be able to handle that again. And I can ’ t see you in pain either. It would hurt you too if I can ’ t trust you. It would hurt you too if I looked at you with suspicion. I know you aren ’ t the same person anymore, but I just can ’ t; I won ’ t be able to handle it, especially after knowing that…" I lowered my gaze and bit my trembling lip.
"It's okay," I heard his hoarse voice, breaking my heart. "It's okay. I understand.” he inhaled deeply. "I know it's difficult, and I mean, I understand it's totally fine with me. You… you deserve to be happy; you don ’ t need me, I mean…" He sighed deeply, lowering his gaze.
"You ’ re right. You ’ re right. You… deserve someone good… and… and, I think… I think I should go," he suddenly said and walked away.
My heart ached even more as I broke into silent sobs, watching him walk away like that. I didn ’ t understand what was happening to me.
But I knew my heart wasn ’ t in a healthy place. I didn ’ t know what I wanted or how I was feeling. It was causing me pain.
I inhaled deeply and glanced at Princess, who was silently looking in his direction. She wore a sad expression and suddenly started to cry.
"Uuuwwwwwwwaaeeeeeeeeeeeeee, aaaeeeeeeeehuuuuuuu,"
I closed my eyes, and suddenly, Nandani's voice caught my attention. ","
And I turned to look at her.