Agastya
I walked away from there, my heart feeling heavy and empty yet again. I lowered my face, trying to hide the tears welling in my eyes, threatening to break free at any moment.
"," suddenly, Ranvijay Bhaisa's voice caught my attention, and I kept my eyes wide open to let the air dry my tears.
"Ji, Bhaisa," I said in a confident and cheerful voice and waited for him to approach me.
As he touched my shoulder, I gulped to swallow the lump forming in my throat. "What happened? Is everything okay?" he asked.
His voice was slow, and I looked into his concerned eyes. I immediately planted a broad smile on my face.
"What would happen to me? God sends me messages to make something happen in this world," I said, and he laughed, looking at me.
I laughed, too.
"So, how is everything going?" he asked as we walked towards the garden. I nodded.
"Everything is going great. King Abhinandan has left and started moving his troops to Pratapgarh as we discussed, and I will leave soon, too," I said, looking at him, and he nodded.
"And what about Rashmika? Did you talk to her?" he asked, and I narrowed my brows, realizing that amid all this, I had completely forgotten about her.
"Um, I was just going to talk to her," I said and inhaled sharply.
"Is everything good between you two? I mean, I haven ’ t seen the two of you talking, and she is here, but you went somewhere last night. Are you considering breaking this alliance? Mehrangarh could be wrong, but she is a princess and deserves a life. Please don ’ t do anything that will hurt her. I understand the Kingdom deserves punishment, but she does not," he said, and I gulped silently, unsure of how to respond.
"Ji, ji, bhaisa," I managed to reply, and he smiled at me.
"All good, right, ? I don ’ t know, but you look upset and sad," he asked again, touching my cheek.
I smiled widely. "Yes, Bhaisa. I just need some sleep,” I said, and he nodded and stepped away from me.
"Alright, I should go and will send you the list of resources we have for this war," he added, and I nodded, taking a few steps back.
"Okay, Bhaisa," I inhaled deeply and returned to my chamber. My head was hurting badly. I pressed my hands on my temples and sat down on the bed.
Then, I couldn ’ t help but burst into tears.
I did not want to hurt her. That's why I wasn ’ t telling her anything. I knew she had issues trusting a man like me. I knew she would become upset and doubt me.
But how could I hide all this from her? She deserved to know. But I didn ’ t want to hurt her like this.
She cried because of me. I couldn ’ t bear to see her cry. I could die but couldn't bear to see her tears.
What was the use of saving her if I ended up crying?
I didn ’ t know what to do now. She didn ’ t want to see me; she didn ’ t trust me, and I knew she would never do so now. Everything was going well, and I didn ’ t understand why I told her everything.
But how could I hide it from her? How could I let her fall for a man like me? I didn ’ t deserve her. I mean, she was a woman who sacrificed and remained single until her husband died. The husband who cheated on her and left her alone. Still, she stayed single and didn ’ t let any other man see her.
And then there was me.
What the hell had I done with my life? I didn ’ t know what would happen now. I wanted her, loved her, and told her what I was feeling. I tried to talk to her; I needed to make her happy.
I knew I made mistakes, and there were no excuses for them. When I could have been a person with greater control, I let my emotions and emptiness overwhelm me. All the while, I knew I was falling, and I knew I was ruining my life, but I still went ahead with it.
But I couldn ’ t ruin her life. I couldn ’ t make her uncomfortable or doubt her emotions and life. I couldn ’ t make her fall in love with someone like me and suffer because of it.
I knew I was just teasing her at first. But I was feeling attracted. I craved her attention.
I didn ’ t know she was different. But the night she entered my chamber and sat silently in front of me, I realized she was another woman.
She was the one who wasn ’ t seeing me as a spoiled, womanizing prince but something more.
But it all went in vain, and I understood this when she brought up my visit to the brothel and my appearances in our kingdom. That day, I began to realize she wasn ’ t intentionally bringing it up but was affected by it all.
And somewhere, she didn ’ t trust me. She didn ’ t like it. And there was no point in any relationship if she couldn ’ t trust me, and she wouldn ’ t be happy, constantly doubting me.
She didn ’ t need me for anything. She was working, had responsibilities, and everything she wanted. So why would she choose to be with me? Just because of an incident?
And no one knew about it.
But I needed her. I craved her. I wanted her to hug me and tell me she understood, that she would trust me, and that she knew I would never do this again. It hurt when she said she couldn ’ t do it. I knew she didn ’ t have to, but why couldn ’ t she? I was falling for her. I wanted her to be my wife and spend her life with me. I would do everything for her; I would keep her happy. But that would be coercive if she didn ’ t feel anything for me, wouldn ’ t it?
"Kunwarsa," suddenly the voice of an attendee caught my attention, and I wiped the tears from my face and looked at her.
She walked closer and said, "Your lunch, Kunwarsa."
I inhaled deeply and muttered, "I'm not hungry. Take it back."
She blinked nervously and replied, "But what will I say if Ranisa asks me?"
"Tell her that I had lunch, simple. Now go," I said as I watched her hand back the lunch.
I felt bad.
But I couldn ’ t stay here like this. It was another heartbreak. I should respect her decision to choose for herself, and she made a good choice. I shouldn ’ t be selfish.
I inhaled deeply and stood up from the bed to walk to the workout area. I took off my kurta and started exercising to take my mind off her.
I had to forget her sometimes, just as she would do. I needed to focus on the war; it was important.
I began with push-ups, counting loudly to keep my mind on the numbers, not her.
"One," I exclaimed as I started.
I tried to concentrate and continue counting, but without realizing it, my mind drifted back to her. I recalled how she cried silently and asked to leave, and how she said she couldn't trust me.
My body heated up, and I kept doing the push-ups. But nothing was happening. I kept thinking about her even more—the moments I spent with her, my dagger, our kisses. I knew that if I kissed her, it would be game over. Why the hell didn ’ t I stop myself?
But she was beautiful—the most beautiful person inside and out. She used to look at me with timidity and slight frustration, with fear and right on me, like she owned me.
Amid all the thoughts, I did not realize that I had counted more than five hundred. I lay down on the sand in the sunlight, tired and sweating.
And one thing was certain: I wanted only her. No one else. Her comforting scent had clouded my mind; her eyes had ruined all other eyes for me. Her moans were the best, and I craved more. I needed her.
I let out a deep sigh and cradled my face in my hands.
"I fucking love you so much, Suman. You need to understand that,” I whispered in frustration, gritting my teeth.
I could not accept her 'No' like this. She needed to get me, and she needed to love me back.
I would make her fall for me.
I sighed and lay tired in the mud, letting the sun dry my tears and remove the negativity.
But first, I needed to consider how to get her to come to me. She did care for me. If I cried, she would hug me; if I was hungry, she would come to feed me.
I suddenly smiled. Yes, I would only eat once she came to me with the food.
She didn ’ t know me yet. I was recognized for my stubbornness. And I needed her.
I got up from there and headed into the bathroom to enjoy a long, leisurely bath, reflecting more on my plan.
And suddenly, another idea came to my mind.
It was almost evening, and she would be in the kitchen. I took my dagger and took out the blade and gave myself a fine cut on my palm, making me bleed.
And then I called an attendee.
"Ahhhh, I cut my hand. Can you bring me some fresh water?" I asked her, and she immediately walked out. She went into the kitchen, where Suman would ask her what happened. She would tell Suman I cut my hand, and Suman would come running. Mastermind. Oh! She would be here in a few moments moments.
One," I smiled and dipped my bleeding hand into the pool to turn the water red, adding a bit more danger. "Two," I counted and tried to make my face look pained. "Three," I struggled to hold back my smile. "Four," I cleared my throat to make my voice sound hurt. "Fiv-,"
"What happened?" Before I could finish, I looked up at her standing before me—panting and worried. "What happened to your hand? Are you out of your mind? What the hell were you doing?" she yelled, stepping closer with a concerned expression.
I pouted. “ I ’ m sorry. I was just… playing with my dagger and accidentally got cut. I didn ’ t mean to disturb you.”
“ What are you, five? Who in the world plays with a dagger?” she whispered, still yelling, as I stared at her worried face. Her angelic eyes, now brimming with tears, were fixed on me while she sat on the thick edge of the pool, holding my hand.
"I ’ m sorry. I won ’ t do that again," I said, furrowing my brow. The pain was visible to her, and she looked at me with concern.
“ Can ’ t you take care of yourself? And why did you send the lunch back?” she asked, her voice slow and angry, as I glanced at a few attendees standing by the bathroom door.
I signaled them silently to leave and turned back to her.
“ I ’ m sorry. I wasn ’ t feeling hungry,” I said, and she took a deep breath.
“ Why? Why weren ’ t you feeling hungry? What happened?” she asked slowly, and I gulped in silence.
“ Nothing, I just don ’ t want to eat. But you didn ’ t have to worry about me. I mean, you don ’ t have anything for me. Why did you come running to me?” I asked slowly, and she gritted her teeth.
“ Of course. But I ’ m an attendee, and it ’ s my responsibility to take care of you,” she said, trying to hide her smile.
“ As an attendee, your responsibility is to care for Bhabhisa, not me, half-wife,” I said, and she looked up at me.
“ Don ’ t call me that,” she said, narrowing her brows. “ What?” I replied.
"That, half-wife," she replied, and I shook my head slowly, questioning her.
"Why? You are still and will always be my half-wife," I said in a slow voice, and she took a deep breath.
"You know I cannot do that. We talked about it," she said slowly, wrapping the bandage around my hand.
"But I want you, and I need you," I said, resting my head in my lap. She flinched at my touch and tried to push my head away.
"Someone will see, Kunwarsa. You can ’ t do that," she said, and I closed my eyes.
"Just for a few moments. My head hurts badly. I can ’ t ask any other woman to do this. You can do it, right?" I pleaded slowly, and she eventually gave in.
"Alright, but just for a few moments," she added, and I nodded with a smile.
"Yes, thank you," I said as I felt her fingers gently slide into my hair. I closed my eyes and enjoyed her hand on my head, massaging it softly.
She remained silent, and I said nothing either. She kept running her fingers through my hair, and I felt relief.
I needed nothing more than this if she wasn ’ t ready.
I was happy for us to be this way. It was like she was there for me, and I was there for her, something stronger than marital commitments.
"Kunwarsa," she suddenly spoke in a slow voice, and I hummed, "Hnnn?"
I swallowed quietly, letting the warmth of her presence soothe me, easing my pain.
"What if that incident hadn ’ t happened?" she asked slowly, and I opened my eyes.
"What do you mean?" I questioned.
"I mean, what if you saved another woman, not me? Would you fall for her? Would you expect her to accept you as a husband? Would you want to spend your life with her too?" she asked, and I bit my lip, moving my head from her lap and straightening up.