Suman
"I mean, what if you saved another woman, not me? Would you fall for her? Would you expect her to accept you, too, as a husband? Would you want to spend your life too?" My voice came out slowly as I asked him. My heart was heavy at that moment, but it was better than before. The silence between us felt soothing, and I stared at his face silently.
"Maybe," He replied, and I looked at my fingers moving in his curly hair. He closed his eyes and muttered in a slow voice.
"I understand you, . I know what you are feeling, and you did not hurt me," he said in a slow voice. I inhaled deeply, suddenly feeling a weighted pang in my chest.
I lowered my gaze, and I sucked on my lips before asking. "What happens now?"
He inhaled sharply, adjusted his head into my lap, and muttered slowly. "Nothing, just be yourself and happy," He said, and I smiled a little. I did not know, but it felt peaceful suddenly after the storm of chaos, and I tried to ask in a slow voice. "But, I hurt you,"
He shook his head, smiled, lifted his gaze a little at me, and said. "Bass ek tum hi to ho jo dard bhi degi to dawa jesa lagega. Fir dukh kesa?" “ You are the only one who even gives me the pain; it will feel like medicine. Then, what sorrow?” His words made me feel different, and I could not help but lower my hand to his cheeks and feather it gently. "Hum aapse nafrat nahi karte,"
"I do not hate you,"
He smiled widely and nodded. "Kar bhi nahi paogi,"
"You will not be able to either,"
Suddenly, he inhaled deeply and looked up at me. “ But do not sympathize with me. I don ’ t need that,” he added, and I gulped silently, unable to say anything.
He closed his eyes, and I continued to massage his head gently. I felt uneasy about everything. It wasn ’ t just what he said, but something deeper. I sensed I had seen this coming before, even if I didn ’ t understand how.
I mean, the way he got upset at first and tried to push me away, I knew something dark about him.
But he was unlike other men. He was there for me, not just to rescue me but also afterward when I needed him.
I visited his chamber the other day, and he said nothing. He understood that I just needed some silence and his presence. I didn ’ t realize it then, but I know I was hurt because of him, and right now, he is the only one making me feel good.
After that incident, he had become my comfort. Nothing could go wrong when I was with him.
“ Tell me, ,” he blurted in a slow voice, and I blinked nervously before asking. "What?"
He held my hand, which was bandaged, and kissed my fingers before saying, “ Everything that is bothering you.” His voice became deeper and more peaceful this time, and I smiled.
“ I don ’ t know, Kunwarsa,” I started, clasping his fingers in my hand as I continued.
“ I ’ m feeling terrified,” I mumbled.
He smiled and replied, “ That ’ s okay. It ’ s not something you hear every day.”
I bit my lips and shifted his head off my lap; he raised his gaze to meet mine, filled with confusion and pain.
I clenched my hands tightly on my skirt and lifted my feet to step into the pool. His expression shifted from confusion to shock.
His eyes widened as I let the water soak my skirt. I lowered myself to sit beside him.
He gazed into my eyes while I pressed my back against the pool wall, pulled my knees close to my chest, and took a deep breath to steady my racing heart.
I gulped nervously and rested my head on his shoulder, saying, “ My head hurts too.”
I felt his body relax under my touch as he tilted his head against mine. I looked at him, intertwining our hands before closing my eyes.
Finally, it felt peaceful and comforting.
Sitting beside him, I exhaled deeply and tried to concentrate on my breathing. The water temperature dropped from high to low, and the oil in the lamps burned against the emptiness to brighten the world. But sadly, when night arrived, no light could bring the brightness back.
“ Maybe I should have hidden that from you. I can ’ t stand seeing you in pain,” he muttered slowly. I opened my eyes and looked at our hands. The skin was turning pale from the cold water, freezing us slowly, and I bit my lips, preparing to speak. “ Maybe, but hearing it from someone else would have hurt me even more,” my voice came out slowly. He responded, “ No one can come between us, , if you accept me as your husband.” Hearing his low, hoarse voice, I lowered my gaze and shook my head.
"What if I am not enough for you," I asked in a slow voice, and he chuckled suddenly.
"Pagal ho tum?"
"Are you mad?"
I thinned my brows with confusion and turned to look at him a little.
"Jo bhi ho, jitni bhi ho, ab tum hi ho, Maang to bhar di hai na. Vikalp nahi hai hamare pass,"
"You are the only one now. However you are, whatever it may be, I do not have options," He said in a slow voice, and I tried to ask in a slow voice. "What if you had options?"
He lowered his gaze, kissed the back of my hands, and muttered.
"Pata hai, bahut himmat lagti hai jab aap apne jeevan ka vo bhaag kisi ko batate ho jisse aap khud kabhi nahi yaad karna chahte, jisse aap har roz door bhaagte ho or bachna chahte ho. Tumhari Kasam, , dobara kisi ko nahi bata paenge, itni himmat nahi hai. Or ab to ye ummeed bhi nahi hai ki koi samjhe kyuki samajhne layak nahi rahe hum ab,"
“ You know, it takes a lot of courage to share that part of life you can ’ t remember, the part you run away from every day. I swear, , I will never have the strength to tell anyone this again; I just don ’ t have the courage left. And I ’ ve accepted that no one would understand because it doesn ’ t even provide anything worth understanding.” His words made my heart heavy, and I lowered my gaze in silence, unable to respond.
“ Then why did you tell me?” But I couldn ’ t stop myself from asking.
He inhaled deeply and brushed my hand with his thumb while saying. "Patni ho, hak or jaruri bhi hai tumhara jaanna ka,"
"You are my wife; it's your right and the necessity to know,"
I did not know, but it brought a slight smile, and I turned to look at him. "I have not accepted you yet,"
He smiled weakly.
"And you are so unpredictable and confusing," I added, furrowing my brows, and he asked.
"How?"
"One moment you say you can leave me, and the next, you call me your wife," I said, and he sucked on his lips and replied slowly.
“ For me to call you my wife is my reality, and you have the right to make your own choices; your life is your right. No one can stop you from saying you don ’ t want to see me, or that you want to forget me, or that you wish to live alone or marry someone else. That ’ s your right, but I am not backing out of my responsibilities or my feelings,” His words resonated with me, and I didn ’ t know why, but hearing him made me feel lighter. It was as if he was lifting some weight off my chest, and I tried to ask. "So, what happens if I marry someone else?"
He furrowed his brows and raised his face to look at me with questioning eyes. “ Are you having an affair?” I quickly shook my head, my eyes widening in shock as I tried to say, “ Are you crazy? No!” He leaned in closer. “ Just joking. I ’ ll be happy for you,” he said in a slow voice, suddenly raising his pitch.
“ But that man has to keep you happy. I mean, there ’ s no way he would ask you to cook after having sex and make you cry,” he said, and I chuckled.
"You cannot keep eyes on him,"
He shook his head. “ That ’ s where you are mistaken, ika Ji. I can definitely keep an eye on him and take him out for hurting you, too.” He turned his gaze toward me, and I felt a shiver go down my spine when he mentioned killing my hypothetical husband.
"You need some treatment. I am not even married to someone else yet, and you are already killing him," I said and lowered my gaze. He leaned in closer and kissed my forehead.
“ Just be happy. I don ’ t want anything else. I don ’ t need answers; I don ’ t want you to be with me if it makes you unhappy or makes you doubt yourself. No promises, no heartbreaks,” he said, and I gulped silently, leaning into his shoulder and muttering.
“ I feel comfortable with you. I don ’ t know why. No man has ever made me feel this way. I can ’ t let go of this comfort,” I managed to say slowly, and it took a lot of courage to put that into words.
"I ’ m happy to be that," he said, and I lowered my gaze.
"You know, when you ’ re upset, the world can tell," I said slowly, and he chuckled.
"Trust me, when I ’ m upset, no one can tell," he said in a slow voice, and I lifted my gaze to meet his. He looked back at me; those green eyes made my heart race effortlessly.
"Why didn ’ t you tell your brothers about all of this?" I managed to ask slowly, and he shook his head while responding.
"It was not, is not, and will never be something I am proud of. So, it's not worth sharing. What happened has happened. Talking about it won ’ t make it undone or wash it away. It will just hurt them and bring me back to the place from which I was running away." His voice was low, and I couldn ’ t help but smile weakly while nodding.
"I can relate to that. I can ’ t share everything about my failures either; I mean, I can ’ t talk about my deceased husband and the life I went through with everyone because, honestly, even mentioning it hurts," I replied slowly, and he smiled.
"No, talking about it with the right person will never hurt. Someone you trust to understand and just be with you. Like, Bhabhisa," he said, and I felt a pang in my chest for some reason, lowering my gaze as I remembered how he was there for me when I needed him.
"Like you, Kunwar Agastya," I muttered, lifting my gaze to meet his.
Suddenly, he leaned closer, and my heart raced while my breathing quickened. My lips quivered, but he stopped just an inch away. My flickering gaze dropped to his soft, full lips, flickering between his eyes and mine.
"I ’ m not making any commitments, Kunwarsa," I whispered slowly, and he shook his head.
"I don ’ t need commitments."
I gulped nervously and managed to ask, "What would this mean?"
He gulped silently and looked into my eyes.
"Anything you want it to mean."
I clenched my hands tightly and closed my eyes slightly in fear.
I waited, feeling the air rising to greet his lips on mine, but I felt those soft, dark pink petals against my nose.
I calmed down instantly and loosened my grip while opening my eyes to see him.
"You should go now," he said, and I didn ’ t understand why it tightened my chest.
"Okay," I muttered, his hand slipping away from mine. An ache bubbled within me, a longing to forget everything and hold him tightly for both our sakes. I felt a heaviness inside me; I wanted to kiss him then and tell him I was scared, but I still wanted to be with him.
However, the fear of being hurt again won out, and I silently stood up to leave.
As I took a few steps away, letting water drop off my clothes, he suddenly called, "."
I turned back immediately to look at him.
"Ji?"
"A shawl will be there; take it; it must be windy, or you ’ ll catch cold," he said, and I nodded.