Suman - 1
It hurt seeing Nandani walking away from me.
I didn ’ t know what to say. I didn ’ t tell her anything because I didn ’ t want to reveal anything about his past. But it feels like no one understands me. What on earth did I do?
I suddenly didn ’ t know what to feel. My heart sank because I hadn ’ t attempted to meet him, and he left.
And it was entirely my fault. He came to see and tell me something, yet I didn ’ t listen.
What did he want to say?
I bit my lip, tried to hold back my tears, and stood up. I wanted to find out where he had gone. What on earth was happening?
Princess Rashmika was in the Kingdom, so where did he go?
Wait!
Did he go to war?
My heart stopped suddenly, and I felt a tightening in my chest. I turned and ran to Nandani.
“ Nandani,” I called, watching her lay the Princess on the bed.
“ Nandani, can you tell me where he went?” I asked as she sighed, walking toward me, taking my hand, and leading me to the couch.
"Sit down,"
I did before she sat beside me.
I held her hand, trembling, and begged, "Please, Nandani, I ’ m sorry. I know I haven ’ t told you anything, but is he okay?" My voice wavered, and she nodded, gently caressing my hand. “ Yes, he will be fine.”
I inhaled a breath of relief.
"But what happened between you two?" she stared into my eyes.
"Nothing; I think I messed it up badly," I accepted, shaking my head and losing my senses.
She patted my shoulder gently, muttering, "Well, if you don ’ t tell me, how can I help you?"
I looked at her. "Nandani," inhaling sharply. "He told me about his past, and it hurt me,"
She frowned. "What? Why?" she questioned.
I tried to recount everything he had told me. It was a long conversation, and I felt lost. I cried while forming the word, and she wrapped her arms around me, murmuring, ", calm down. That ’ s okay,”
I sobbed, and she lifted my chin to make me look at her.
“ You know what? Nothing is worth pursuing more than your own heart. I won ’ t say anything about him, whether he ’ s right or wrong, because he has done nothing wrong to anyone, including you. The past doesn ’ t define a person. Even Rudra betrayed me at some point, but that didn ’ t make me love him any less. Agastya has done nothing to you. He has always protected you, saved you, and made you happy. And all you did in return was call him something he didn ’ t want to hear. I know you ’ re heartbroken, but he isn ’ t the reason for your heartbreak. Why would you hurt him?” She explained.
I shook my head. "I don ’ t know, Nandani. It ’ s just that he reminds me of my deceased husband," I tried to explain, looking at Nandani, who stared back at me and shook her head.
", you shouldn ’ t think about him or anyone right now. If you see your dead husband in Agastya, then I think you should avoid him, stop talking to him, and even stop thinking about him. Just tell him you don ’ t want to be around him," she suggested.
I shook my head. "But I want to, Nandani."
She inhaled deeply. “ This way,” she said, looking at me. “ You ’ re only going to hurt both of you,” she murmured. I swallowed silently, staring at her. “ If you want to be with him, if you like him or love him, accept him with his past, just as he accepted you with yours. He ’ ll hate you if you keep punishing him for mistakes he never made regarding you. And I don ’ t think he wants that. Tell me, has he ever tried to hurt you?” she asked slowly. I bit my lips, shaking my head.
“ But, Nandani, I ’ m scared. I fear getting hurt again,” I tried to explain as she rubbed my hand, looking into my eyes.
“ I understand. But I see you don ’ t trust him enough to fall in love. You know, , you can overcome every fight, but you can ’ t overcome insecurity and trust issues. This is the only thing that hurts brutally and deeply,” she said.
"But I think I trust him," I tried to argue, and she asked in a slow voice,
“ Would you trust him if he told you something without checking it and disregarding what you saw? You saw him with Rashmika, and he said there was nothing between them—that they were just friends. Did you trust him?” she asked slowly, and I shook my head.
"How can I trust him when I see him hugging her, Nandani?" I tried to explain, and she inhaled deeply.
“ So what he says doesn ’ t matter to you?” she asked, and I swallowed hard, staring at her in silence.
“ I don ’ t know what I ’ m feeling. I want him back—healthy and happy. I don ’ t want to hurt him. I feel bad. He left without even seeing me. I mean, he could have come to me,” I tried to express, and she gritted her teeth and lowered her gaze for a moment.
"He came to you, . He came to your room, attendees told me. You didn ’ t even open the door for him. They saw him crying outside your door. Just because something heartless happened to you, you ’ re being heartless to someone else for no reason. And he ’ s the one who married you in front of an entire village to protect you. Even before he left, he came to me and told me to look out for you and not stress you unnecessarily. You ’ re my best friend, . In all parts of my life, I ’ ve made you my partner in crime. Since meeting you, I ’ ve seen nothing less than a sister in you. My family treats you like one of us when your parents don ’ t even know if you ’ re alive or not. But in this, you ’ re wrong. And it ’ s not just because he ’ s my brother-in-law, but because the pain you caused him was unnecessary, and he didn ’ t deserve it. You didn ’ t hesitate even once to call him the same as your dead husband. Has he ever forced himself on you? Did he ever try to hurt you? With him, all I ’ ve seen in you is smile and laughter. But you ’ re too boxed in your pain not to want anything good to happen to you. , if you don ’ t accept your past as your past and give life another chance, no matter how good a man comes into your life, you ’ ll never be able to build a good relationship with him. Leave Agastya—can you trust men in general?" she asked, and I sobbed silently.
“ It's too difficult, Nandani. I don ’ t know what's wrong with me,” I believed as tears rolled down my cheeks.
“ Nothing is wrong with you, . You just think something is wrong with you. Believe that you deserve to be happy, too. Why are you afraid of being hurt? If you don ’ t let go of this feeling, you ’ ll never see that you ’ re already hurting yourself. Can ’ t you see that without him, you ’ re already in pain? Can ’ t you notice that it ’ s hard for you to even smile without him? Can ’ t you realize that he ’ s the only man who has truly made you happy, smile, and feel comfort?” she said, as I inhaled deeply and blinked silently.
“ I know, Nandani. I know he cares for me and loves me, but I don ’ t understand what ’ s wrong. I don ’ t know why I hurt him, and now I ’ m unsure how to fix my mistakes. What if he ’ s angry and won ’ t talk to me?” I asked, and she inhaled deeply and gulped before responding.
“ Honestly, if I were in Agastya ’ s place, I would never talk to you again. Some things are just beyond self-respect. With what you told me, you not only hurt him but also made him question himself. Do you realize what he must be feeling after hearing all of that from the person to whom he poured his heart out? None of us had the slightest idea of everything he had been through, yet he shared it all with you. His purpose was not to hurt you, . Trust me, Rudra and Prince Ranvijay didn ’ t raise him that way. He might be bubbly and flirty, but he ’ s a genuine man. And putting aside my opinions—just don ’ t do anything. Follow your heart. If you don ’ t want to talk to him, then don ’ t. Don ’ t force yourself to do anything you don ’ t want to do. Eventually, he ’ ll get past this, and no one will ever know what happened between you two. He ’ ll never show it on his face, and trust me, even after this, he won ’ t hate you. So just calm down. I ’ m sure whatever it is within you, he ’ ll understand. But please understand him too. Don ’ t make it all about yourself,” she said, and I gulped silently while listening to her and nodded my head.
“ Ranisa,” an attendee suddenly caught our attention, prompting us to lift our gaze and look at him immediately.
“ Kunwarsa,” she said, and I noticed her eyes tense and her fingers shaking as she pointed behind her.
“ He has arrived,” she said, her voice trembling, and I could feel my heart racing wildly in response.
“ Where did he come back from?” My voice trembled as I stood up and attempted to ask.
“ From the war,” the attendee replied; images of blood, sword, and his near-death experience on the battlefield overwhelmed me. My head spun, dropping me to my knees.
“ ,” Nandani quickly embraced me and patted my cheeks. My heart raced uncontrollably.
"Kunwarsa," my heartbeat and breathing hallowed, and I didn ’ t understand what had happened to me.
"Give me water," I heard Nandani's voice fade. She pressed a glass between my lips, and I felt the coldness against my throat as she gently patted my cheeks.
“ He ’ s fine, . Hold yourself together,” I heard her voice, and my eyes shot open at the mention of him.
I got up to run toward the main door. My legs trembled. The attendees watched me. Tears streamed down my face, and suddenly, I stumbled over a stone and fell onto my arms. A deep cry escaped my lips, and I felt Nandani ’ s hand on my shoulder.
", calm down," she clicked her tongue, and I quickly returned to my feet.
"What happened to him?" I babbled, unable to control my swirling, dark thoughts. The priest ’ s voice echoed, telling me I was his problem. But we weren ’ t even properly married; how could he get the bad fortune?
I ran again and halted far from the main entrance, noticing the convoy of soldiers entering, many bleeding.
Ranaji and Hukumsa were there, too, and I approached them with my shaky feet, my heart sinking lower with every step, until suddenly, a loud cheer erupted.
"Kunwar Agastya Dev Singh ki!"
"Jai!" the crowd cheered, and my heart sank even more profoundly. My head pounded, and I stood immobile. Nandani held my hand and guided me toward them.
And the moment my eyes landed on him entering on his horse, I regained my breath.
I heard my heartbeat over the loud cheering.
He was bleeding, damped, and dirty; his eyes washed, his face tiresome.
I gulped, soaking into his presence.
He stopped, dismounting the horse. Patting Ashwait ’ s forehead, he kissed it and strolled toward Ranaji. His steps stumbling, and Ranaji stepped forward with a broad smile.
He smiled tiredly. Kneeling on one leg before Ranaji, he offered a blood-soaked sword with both hands, “ Mehrangarh.”
"Kunwar Agastya Dev ki," Ranaji cheered in an earth-shattering voice that echoed through all the walls of Surygarh.
“ Jai!” the crowd responded, and I felt a shiver run through me as Ranaji took the sword from his hands, placed a hand on his shoulder to help him to his feet, and enveloped him in a tight hug.
“ You made me feel so proud, Agastya,” Ranaji said, and the crowd cheered again before he pulled back and hugged Prince Ranvijay as well.
“ How dare you?” Suddenly, all eyes were on Princess Rashmika as she rushed toward him, yanked his collar, and slapped him hard.
The blood leaked through his lips.
“ How could you, Agastya? I trusted you,” she slapped him three more times, and tears filled my eyes.
He stood silently as she hit his chest with her fists, crying and breaking down, until he grasped her wrists and pulled her into a tight hug.
He placed his hand on her head as she broke into sobs.
My heart broke, noticing tears in his eyes. They loved each other.
“ I hate you; I hate you so much. Why? They ’ re my family,” she cried louder, and he spoke slowly.
“ They ’ re alive, Rashmika. I didn ’ t harm them,” he said. She pulled back and looked at him. He cupped her cheek with his wounded hand, saying, “ They ’ re safe.” He kissed her forehead, consoling her, calming her down.
She cried even more and heard her; Princess Rudraja wept.
Princess Aishwarya stepped forward to him. He bent down and touched her feet. “ At least hold her in your arms for once. I ’ m sure you two share some connection,” she said, and he chuckled as he looked at the Princess in her hands.
She began crying even louder, and he nodded.
I chuckled when he rubbed his hand clean on his clothes before carefully holding her in his arms, bringing her closer to his chest.
She cried momentarily, and when he kissed her head, she stopped.
I swallowed hard, standing completely immobile.
Nandani stepped forward to him, and he smiled at her before bending down to touch her feet, too. She encircled her fists on either side of his head before pressing them to the sides of her forehead and shielding him from evil eyes.
"Ishwar kare ki jindagi ke har yudh me aapki Vijay ho, Devarsa," “ May you win every battle in your life, Devarsa,” she said, and I broke into quiet sobs, watching him nod and move forward.
And his eyes met mine.
When our eyes met, my heartbeat slowed. My body froze, and my lashes stilled as he stared deeply into my eyes. For a moment, everything disappeared except his tired, hazy, dark green orbs. But my heart sank into a darker pit as his smile faltered, and he looked away.
Pain waves coursed through my heart as if I had smashed into a mountain.
He silently walked away, his feet trembling. I was lost—into him, by him, through and through—and an ache built in my knees, freezing me to the ground and swallowing me in.
Everyone followed him, and I couldn ’ t stop, either.
Everyone was busy celebrating his arrival, but I returned to the kitchen, thinking he must have been hungry.
My mind had stopped functioning. What if something had happened to him? What if he didn ’ t come back?
I shook my head, trying to dispel the dark thoughts, and prepared his lunch.
He was just tired. We'd talk alone, and I knew him well. He wasn ’ t angry—just worn out.
I nodded, grabbed the plate for his lunch, and hurried toward his chamber. A proud smile crept onto my face.
He had won a kingdom and a war, burdens that weighed heavily on his shoulders. My heart raced as I took the final turn toward his chamber.
But suddenly, the soldiers at the entrance crossed their spears before me, and I frowned in confusion. "Hume andar jaane dijiye, Kunwarsa ke liye bhojan laaye hai," "Let me go inside; I have brought lunch for Kunwarsa," I exclaimed.
"No, Kunwarsa has instructed us not to let anyone inside.”
"Aap unse jakar kahiye to sahi ki hum aaye hain bhojan lekar, vo thake hue honge," “ Please let him know I brought lunch; he must be tired,” My voice now broke, fingers weakening around the heavy metal.
"He gave us strict orders not to let anyone inside," but they stood rigid on their grounds.
“ At least tell him once; he will let me in.” I insisted again with my drying throat—nervousness built in me.
They exchanged glances before one of them walked inside. I felt uneasy that they had to ask. I shifted on my feet, and a strange weight on my knees unnerved me.
When the soldier returned, I gulped, my heart exploding inside. “ He asked to leave the lunch with us,” He informed, breaking the last shells of my courage.
I stood stunned and hesitated to ask again, but they denied it and took the plate from my hands.
What happened to him? Why didn ’ t he want to see me?
I knew it was all my fault. He was angry with me.
I returned to my work area.
Maybe he just needed some rest. I should make his favorite food for dinner—I smiled at the thought.
I spent the whole evening making his favorite dishes. After cooking, I plated the food and went back to his chamber.
It had turned dark.
The soldiers stopped me again, and I begged them to tell him I had arrived, that had come. One of them did, but Kunwarsa still wouldn ’ t allow me inside; instead, he also sent the dinner back. My heart shattered.
Tears filled my eyes, and I couldn ’ t help but try to drift off to sleep after returning to my room.
I didn ’ t know what was wrong with him. Was it so hard for him to at least listen to me? I just wanted to express my fear, anger, and confusion about what was happening. I never intended to hurt him like that.
I couldn ’ t sleep as the vision of him crying, knocking, trying to speak, and returning away from my door kept revolving around.
I took a deep breath and woke up early the next day. I was going to make him talk to me. I wouldn ’ t stay idle; he had to listen to me. I prepared his favorite breakfast and entered his chambers before anyone else could wake up.
The soldiers stopped me again.
"Please, let me go inside for once. I won't cause any trouble. I won't tell him you let me in. You know I've been here before. He's upset with me. Please, help me, my brother. I promise he won ’ t harm you, please," I begged, holding my hands together, and one of them nodded.
“ Okay, but just make sure he doesn ’ t fire us,” he said, and I nodded, smiling. “ Yes, yes, I promise he won ’ t; I swear,”
I carried the breakfast plate inside.
The soft glow of the early morning sky streamed through the windows, enveloping the room in silence and dim light. The bed curtains were drawn closed, and I bit my lip, moving toward the table and setting the breakfast plate down.
I felt scared to call him out, "Kunwarsa," My heartbeats were sinking low.
He did not reply, encouraging me to stroll towards the bed and part the curtains.
It was empty.
Suddenly, I noticed footsteps approaching from the bathroom. I turned to look in his direction, and my heartbeat stopped.
His green eyes met mine, bringing tears as I noticed his trimmed hair.
The soft, long curls I used to move my fingers were gone. I gulped, fighting the lump in my throat, and my sight fell on bandages wrapped around his forehead, arms, and on the side of his stomach.
Watching him stumble because of wounds in his leg, I could not stop myself from walking towards him, offering my help. But with his blank stare, I froze.
"Let me help," I stuttered, reaching for his shoulders. He pulled his hand away from me, escaping my touch.
My heart twitched. I tried again, but he didn ’ t let me.
He limped towards the couch.
"I brought you breakfast, Kunwarsa," my voice was shaky.
He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. “ I want to talk to you, too,” I added, and he sucked on his lips and opened his eyes to look at me.
"Yes?" He asked. The pain was visible in his voice. It did something to my stomach, prompted me to step closer and say. “ Kunwarsa, I am sorry. I did not know what was happening to me—“
"It's okay," He cut me off, looking down.
I tried again, “ I am so sorry. I did not want to hurt you. I mean, I should—“
“ I said it ’ s okay,” he said, looking at me. I couldn ’ t stop kneeling before him, reaching for his hands. "Kunwarsa,"
But he pulled his hand back. It tightened my chest.
His gaze suddenly sharpened at me. “ We cannot do this. It's over; go back to your room,” He said coldly, standing up.
My heart pierced, my voice breaking apart. “ I did not know what happened after seeing Princess Rashmika wit—“
“ It's okay,” he cut me off, “ I understand. And I am not the one you want.”
"I want you," I stated, and he turned to look at me.
"I do not want you," he replied.
My heart sank deeper. It broke me.
“ But why?” I asked. “ I know I made a mistake. I am apologizing, Kunwarsa,” I explained.
"Honestly, I don ’ t want to hurt you or myself, knowingly or unknowingly. Just forget about me and everything I said. Go back to your old life and act as if nothing ever happened between us,” he clarified. I broke down in tears, moving closer to him.
"I know. I made a mistake. I should not say all of that to you. I should have listened to you, and I should not have behaved like that. But I was scared and—“
"Listen," He cut me off and looked sharply into my eyes. "I am not angry, but I cannot do this now. It is not about you anymore. It's about me now. I have nothing left in me I give you. I cannot give you anything. So, go back to your room and stop doing anything for me. I do not want to make it hard for you," his words pierced my chest.
I adjoined my hands, “ I am sorry. I know I made a mistake. I did not want to hurt you,” I pleaded.