2
He shook his head. “ You are not getting me, . It's not about you anymore. It's about me. I cannot give you anything. It was not your mistake; you only said what you perceived of me. And I know it's my mistake; you only called me something I was, I am, and I always will be. So, do not make it more difficult for you. I am not the one,” His voice was calmer than ever.
"You are; I am sorry," I broke into cries.
He smiled, shaking his head. “ You are just being emotional. Give yourself time, and you will know I am not the one,”
He sat on the edge of his bed, and I couldn ’ t stop kneeling before him. “ Please, I am so sorry. I did not know what I was doing. It's just I was hur-”
"I am a man whore, ," he broke us, raising his voice, all of a sudden. I was stunned.
“ I am still the same person who hugged Rashmika. And yes, I hugged her in front of everyone. I am still that same person—the cheater, flirt, and manwhore, with whom you can never spend your life. Don ’ t make it difficult for yourself. It ’ s a ‘ No ’ from me. There ’ s no love now. You made your decision, and I accepted it. Now, I am deciding for myself; accept that,” he said, and I broke down in tears before him.
“ I did not know. I do not know; please forgive me, please,” I begged.
And after a few moments, he silently placed his hand on my head and kissed it.
“ There is nothing to forgive, . It's just I cannot do this anymore. I do not want to be myself anymore. I have nothing left to give you. Please understand and leave.” He drawled, holding my hand to help me stand up.
I didn ’ t know how to make him understand I wanted him. I just got scared, feeling like he might hurt me. It was wrong to focus on myself at that moment. How did I tell him and understand him that this wasn ’ t what I meant?
It wasn ’ t what I wanted. I was angry. I didn ’ t understand why I directed all my frustration at him.
I stood frozen, crying and watching him as he walked away and lay down on his bed, covering himself with a comforter, and closed his eyes.
I did not know what to do.
Watching him walk away tore my heart apart like never before. It was something I had never experienced before.
I ran away from his chamber and went into my room, crying my heart out. I didn ’ t know what to do. How could I hurt the person who cared for me so much? Hearing those things from him hurt me beyond.
After crying for a long time and reflecting on what had happened in the past few weeks, I realized I wanted him back.
I had to win his heart again; I couldn ’ t hurt us like that, especially when I knew how it felt.
I stood up and returned to work. I couldn ’ t lose hope; I would win his heart back. He had to love me in return. How could he say 'No' to me when he wanted me? He was crying for me just a week ago. I knew he was lying.
The next day, I got ready, promising myself not to cry anymore and to fix my mistakes. I couldn ’ t afford to lose him.
After dressing in plain yellow attire, I entered the kitchen and began preparing for the day. I sent his breakfast with an attendant, and at lunch, I plated it and went to give it to him.
The physicians had advised him to rest and care for his wounds so he would lie in Nandani ’ s chamber under the sunlight with the Princess.
It must be over now since I said ‘ No ’ once, and he did, too. His anger seemed to have subsided. Moreover, he wouldn ’ t talk to me, so I could seize this golden opportunity to get him to speak.
Smiling, I took the lunch directly to Nandani's chamber.
He lay on the carpet under the sunlight, savoring grapes with Princess Rudraja. Holding myself, I stepped closer. He looked dangerous and intimidating with trimmed hair.
“ Papaya, you know, people say the sun remains steady while we revolve around it,” he told Princess, who moved her head. He gently patted her, and all she did was coo.
I couldn ’ t help but smile, walking closer and placing the plate before him.
He glanced at me briefly as I sat beside them. I placed my hand on Princess ’ s belly and smiled at her. “ Ah, what are you doing, my princess? Are you enjoying the sunshine?” I asked, and she looked at me and suddenly smiled.
He gritted his teeth and made the Princess look at him. "Hey, papaya, say Kaakusa."
I sighed and attempted to speak. "She ’ s too little to say anything. She ’ ll start talking after a year or two,”
He lifted his gaze to me. "Pucha humne, Hamari Bhateeji hai, dimag tej hai inka." "Did I ask? She ’ s my niece; her brain is brilliant."
I smiled at the Princess, ignoring his arrogance. "Come on, Princess, it's time for milk, right?"
He gently touched her stomach and tickled her a bit, asking, “ Please tell me you ’ re not hungry, baby.”
Suddenly, Nandani interrupted, "Stop, both of you. “ She walked closer and picked up Princess in her arms. "Rudraja abhi bahut choti hai, apni bina sir, or per ki baate inse door rakho.” "Rudraja is so small; keep your nonsense away from her,” she added.
Kunwarsa gritted his teeth angrily at me.
He stood up; I did as well.
He stepped forward to walk away; I stepped forward to block him.
He looked at me. "Raasta kyu rok rahi ho, jaane do hume?" "Why are you blocking my way? Let me leave!"
I furrowed my brows. He tried to step past me, but I stepped forward to block him again. “ Hum kaha rok rahe hai, aap hi idhar udhar ho rahe hai.” “ I ’ m not doing anything; you ’ re walking back and forth,” I said, holding back my laughter.
He brought his hand closer to my neck, and I immediately pulled away, widening my eyes. "Apni patni ki hatya karenge aap?" "You ’ ll kill your wife?" I whispered.
He gritted his teeth with frustration, warning in the same tone. "Dekho hume dawai ka nasha ho rakha hai, hamare sir me dard mat karo." "See, I ’ m under medication, so please don ’ t irritate me,"
I lowered my gaze to the plate, responding innocently. "Hum bhala apne patidev ke sir me dard kyu karenge?" "Why would I trouble my husband?"
He sighed, closing his eyes. I didn ’ t know why, but I enjoyed irritating him like he did initially.
"Hamari yaadhash chali gayi hai," “ I have lost my memories,” he exasperated, gazing intensely into me.
I narrowed my brows, stepping closer. His eyes widened with shock, and I noticed his gaze lowering down to my lips.
"Hum le aaenge wapis," I promised him.
"It's okay; I'll bring it back," I joshed innocently, staring into his darkened green eyes.
Silence followed as he whispered over my face, “ You ’ re wasting your time.” His intimidating gaze weakened my knees, but I affirmed, “ Hum haar nahi manenge. ”
"I won ’ t stop trying."
He took a faint breath. "Or humse Aaj Tak koi Jeet nahi paya," “ And no one has ever beaten me.”
The danger was obvious in his voice. This wasn ’ t a joke or raillery. He was serious—more serious than I had ever seen him before. He was beyond angry—hurt and heartless.
I gulped as he turned away. But I would win him back. Agastya Dev Singh was mine.
I knew I hadn ’ t told him everything. But he had to accept me because I couldn ’ t imagine being without him. His rejection slit my heart. His ‘ No ’ was more brutal than blades.
I inhaled deeply and returned to work, asking an attendee to take his lunch. He wouldn ’ t eat if I took it, and I knew he was stubborn. So was I. I didn ’ t meet him afterward; for days, I tried to talk to him, but he ignored me. He spent most of his time with Princess Rudraja or alone, always busy. He avoided his chamber, knowing I would seek him out. Instead, he mingled in the garden, spent time in Prince Ranvijay's chamber, and returned at night. He was recovering quickly, and each day, I felt more impatient.
But my patience snapped when I learned Ranaji had asked him to marry Princess Rashmika.
Everything had happened because of her, and now the wedding?
I had two thoughts. First, Kunwarsa had nothing with her, and second, there seemed to be something between the two of them—a soft corner or perhaps something deeper.
And I came in the middle.
The thought alone made me restless. I was trying hard to fall asleep but couldn ’ t. Throwing the comforter aside, I sat up, wishing to be in his chamber. But, he must have been sleeping at this dark—past midnight.
But I had to talk to him, too.
Regardless of everything, we shared a history, and I refused to let my efforts go to waste.
Honestly, I was confused, but deep down, I knew I couldn ’ t avoid him. I could be angry, upset, frustrated, or anything else, but his face was something I wanted to see every day.
I realized it only after he returned from war. It changed something in me.
Inhaling deeply, I palmed my face. You are a gone case, . I had to see him.
I couldn ’ t stop, wrapped a shawl around, and left for his chamber.
I knew it would concern us if anyone saw it, but I couldn ’ t care less; I had already gained fame among the attendees, and I had overheard their gossip about me.
I walked through the galleries and arrived at his chamber. The soldiers standing outside glanced at me and halted my progress.
"He is resting, you cannot go inside,"
I inhaled profoundly. "Dekho hamara unse milna bahut awashyak hai, ye hamare jeevan ka prashn hai,"
"See, I need to see him; it's about my life,"
They looked at each other.
I added, “ Do you know how difficult it is for a woman to be used and then ignored by a man? He used me, and now he ’ s acting like nothing happened. You both are complicit in this by preventing me from going inside.” I lied. I had no other option. It crushed my self-respect, but at this moment, he was important.
The silence followed before one of them gulped and stepped aside. "But, remember, he must not fire us.”
I stepped inside, and my gaze first landed on the empty bed. Then I noticed the dim lighting. I scanned the room, but he was nowhere to be found.
"Kunwarsa," I called out, stepping further in.
A sudden shift in my heart accompanied the realization of his absence; it felt like the calm before a storm.
I bit my lip and moved toward his changing room. He wasn ’ t there either. Maybe he was in the bathroom. I checked, but he was not there.
Nervously, I blinked and reached for the handle of the reading room door. He must be there. Pushing it open, I stepped inside and looked at the table and the empty chair.
Yet the lamps were lit. A sense of dread crawled over my skin as I took more steps inside. As I walked past the shelves, I finally spotted him sitting against a wall in the corner, near a lamp, with a book in his hand.
But he was asleep.
My heart sank further as I looked at him. It pierced my chest to see him sitting like that—his knees drawn up to his chest and his head tilted back against the wall.
I gulped silently and walked toward him.
Feeling my presence, he opened his eyes and looked at me lazily.
Inhaling deeply, he thinned his brows and palmed his face with slight frustration.
"Kunwarsa, aap apne bistar par kyu nahi so rahe?"
"Kunwarsa, why are you not sleeping on your bed?"
I tried to ask in a slow, polite voice, pouring all the honey I had in my body, and he stood up on his feet while replying.
"Tumse matlab," "None of your business,"
My teeth greeted me in anger. I could not sleep because of him, and he was throwing tantrums.
When he tried to walk past me, I grabbed him by his chest and pulled him closer.
His eyes widened in shock as our bodies crashed into each other.
"Hai matlab, poore gao ke saamne sher banke maang nahi bhari thi aapne hamari. Jara si ladai karli to aapke matlab khatam ho gae?"
"It is my business. You filled the vermillion in my head like a brave person in front of the entire village. And suddenly, with a little fight, it's none of my business?" I asked, my voice rising slightly but in a whisper to not wake the whole Kingdom.
He stared into my eyes, and his hands held my wrists, trying to push my hands down. I tightened my fists even more and stared back into his eyes.
"You are getting married to Princess Rashmika?" I asked in a slow voice. He lowered his gaze to my lips, lifted it back to look intensely into my eyes, and nodded briefly. "Yes, I am,"
My anger rose to another level, and I pulled him even closer.
"Don't you dare, Kunwarsa," I warned.
And he gritted his teeth before saying. "Vivah bhi karenge, suhaagraat bhi manaenge or chote chote pyaare pyaare bache bhi paida karenge,"
"I will get married, consummate the marriage, and give birth to small, beautiful kids with her,"
I lost it and felt him pushing my hands down his chest. My knuckles whitened with the strength I was pouring.
But he was stronger, and there was no chance I could hold him against his will.
He jerked my hands low and exclaimed. "Hamare beech me ab kuch nahi hai, or na kabhi hoga,"
“ There is nothing between us, and there won't be anything,”
Hearing him, I gulped and fought back my tears. He walked away, and I couldn ’ t stop chasing him, grabbing his wrist and pushing him against one of the shelves.
His eyes widened with shock.
"Hamare beech kuch nahi hai matlab? Itni aasani se bol denge aap. Kuch din pehle to aap ro rahe the hamare liye, Ab aapka prem khatam ho gaya,"
“ What do you mean that there is nothing between us? How can you say that with such ease? You were crying for me a few days ago; now your love is over?” I asked and felt the shelf shake slightly with his muscular frame.
He gritted his teeth and looked intensely into my eyes.
"Natak kar rahe the. Tumhe pata to chal hi gaya tha. Ab ye sab kyu kar rahi ho?"
“ I was acting out. You figured it out, didn ’ t you? Now, why are you behaving like this?” he asked in a low but frustrated voice, and I couldn ’ t help but raise my voice.
"Aapko samajh nahi aa raha hum ye sab kyu kar rahe hai? Hume nahi achi lagti Rajkumari Rashmika ya koi bhi, jiske baare me aap soche, baat kare ya parwah kare,"
"You are not getting why am I doing all of this? I do not like Princess Rashmika or anyone you think about or you care about,"
He inhaled sharply and moved forward. A chill ran down my spine. I quickly stepped back. My body pressed against the wall, and I looked into eyes, boring into mine with anger.
"Kyu? tum hoti kon ho jiske ache lagne ya na lagne se hume antar padega?"
“ Why, who are you, and why would your likeness matter to me?” His words infuriated me even more, and I couldn ’ t help but exclaim.
"Patni hai aapki, aapko antar padna chahiye"
"I am your wife, and it should matter to you,"
He thinned his brows and inhaled deeply, hearing me.
"Dekho hume gussa mat dilao,"
"See, do not enrage me," He said, and I thinned my brows.
"Hum gussa dila rahe hai aapko. Aapne hume tang kiya hua hai. Humse seedhe muh baat nahi karte, hume nazar bhar dekhte tak nahi, hamari parwah nahi karte, hume sunte nahi, or kuch nahi karte, sirf hume mehsoos karate hai ki hum aapke jeevan me kuch nahi hai,"
"I am enraging you? You have spun my whole life. You do not talk to me, you do not look at me, you do not care about me, you do not listen to me, and you only make me feel I am inexistent to you," I said, and he stepped even closer to me.
"Patni?"
"Wife?" He muttered and looked into my eyes.
"Badi achanak yaad aaya tumhe. Abhi to kuch din pehle to tum humse keh rahi thi ki hamare beech me kuch nahi rakhna. Pata hai tumhari pareshaani kya hai. Ki tumhe hum to chahiye, hamara ateet nahi chahiye. Hamara pyaar to chahiye par apna nahi dena. Tumhe har cheej apne hisaab se chahiye or hume ye nahi chahiye. Isliye pehle bhi do teen baar samjha chuke hai or fir samjha rahe hai ki humse door raho, khush raho or bhool jao,"
“ Oh, you remembered it all of a sudden. A few days ago, you said there was nothing between us, and that you don ’ t want that either. You know what your problem is? You want me but don ’ t want my past. You want my love but aren ’ t willing to give yours. You want everything on your terms, and I can ’ t accept that. That ’ s why I have told you before, and I ’ m repeating it: stay away from me, be happy, and forget about it.” He intoned, and I inhaled deeply, hearing him.
He took a step away from me, but I immediately grabbed his chest and pulled him back. Our lips almost brushed each other. Our breaths united when I asked. “ And what about what I want now?"
Our gaze met. He gulped, shut his eyes briefly, and pushed my hands down.
“ , you are just angry. This is not who you are. This is just your anger, nothing more. You might want me now, but after two days, you ’ ll say that you don ’ t trust me, you don ’ t feel good with me, and you don ’ t want to see me, and I shouldn ’ t have saved you and entered your life,” he said, and I bit my lip while shaking my head.
“ I was just angry,” I attempted to convey, and he gazed into my eyes.
“ And you still are. You don ’ t understand that I have nothing left in me to give you. I can ’ t love you anymore; I can ’ t hold your pain anymore because I have my own to bear. Please, don ’ t make it harder for me. It would never bother you as much as it bothers me. You ’ d easily get back to work, forget about me, and be happy,” he said, and I shook my head.
“ That ’ s not true. You know I ’ m not like that,” I tried to say, and he took a deep breath and mumbled.
“ I know what is true; clearly, you don ’ t understand. I wasn ’ t the one who entered your room first. You came into my life, into my chamber that night at midnight, seeking comfort. The moment I asked for it back, you showed that I ’ m not the kind of man who should be seeking comfort. You might have feelings for me, but you don ’ t grasp that I am inseparable from my past. A man whore, you called me, and I ’ m not someone made for you. Honestly, I don ’ t want someone in my life who would try to make me feel disgusting about myself. I ’ ve spent my entire life running from that feeling, and I do not want it to plunge into that well for the rest of my life.” His eyes were strained, and his voice turned hoarse as I swallowed, pushing the lump back down my throat.
“ I ’ m sorry. I didn ’ t know what happened to me. How would you react if you saw me hugging another man?” I asked, and he chuckled, lowering his head for a moment.
“ Honestly, I wouldn ’ t have felt anything. I trusted you. I knew that if you had feelings for me, even if you didn ’ t confess, I understood them and tried to prevent you from falling for me. I always told you that I wasn ’ t the good man you think I am. I knew you were falling for me. And I fucking trusted you. I didn ’ t stop you from meeting another man. I didn ’ t stop you from marrying someone else. Even if I had seen you hugging a man or kissing someone, I would have thought maybe he was just a friend or someone in need. Or I might have lost it, thinking he was forcing himself on you because I knew that if I saw those feelings for me in your eyes, you would never betray me,” His voice raised in the end, and I trembled, listening to him.
“ That ’ s because I don ’ t have a past with many men, and you ’ ve never seen me flirting with anyone. That ’ s because I ’ m not that kind of woman,”
“ Can you prove it?” he asked me out of nowhere.
I was shocked. "What?" I thinned my brows.
"Yes, can you prove you did not meet any men, did not like anyone, look at any, or flirt with any? I have known you only for the past few months. How can I know everything about your past and trust what you say?" He asked, and I gritted my teeth and could not stop slapping tight on his cheek.
“ How can you say that?” My body was seething with anger as I looked into his eyes, turning red with rage. How could he question my virtue? “ How can you even think that about me? I told you I did not see anyone, did not meet anyone, did not flirt with anyone, and shared everything about my past; how can you say that?” my voice raised in anger.
He took a step away from me and sucked on his lips for a moment. His green eyes were dangerous when he said in a slow voice.
“ You want me to trust what you say about yourself, but when I tell you that I don ’ t have anything with Rashmika—she ’ s just my friend—you say you don ’ t believe me. That hurt you, didn ’ t it? I mentioned it just to make my point, and it already hurt you so deeply. Imagine what I went through when the only person I trusted poured my heart out, told everything about my life without wrapping it in gold, did not even try to listen to me for once, for even once, ,” he said slowly. I blinked silently, comprehending what he meant.
"That is the problem. If we were together, you would never believe what I say; you would always think based on your understanding. You would trust your perception of me. And that perception is of a man whore who would cheat on you and be constantly whoring around. No matter how much I try to prove myself, you will always, always have this doubt within you. And I do not want that. I don ’ t want you to suffer with these doubts and hurt yourself because of me. You deserve a man, a virgin man; it doesn ’ t matter if he loves you or moves mountains for you; you would be happy and satisfied if he had no past with other women. Trust me, he is the only kind of husband who can keep you happy, or else you should stay single, and either way, forget about me. Because leave about you, I do not want a woman to whom I have to explain everything and constantly rub my nose in it just to make her listen to me. I am done with you, . Get it into your head," he said in a slow and calm voice, and I gulped silently. I watched him walk away, and tears streamed down my cheeks. I yelled back in anger.
“ Fine, I will marry Bhan Singh then,”
I gritted my teeth and watched him disappear. I burst into tears and shook my head. Wiping my eyes, I walked out.
I saw him take his overcoat from the couch and leave the chamber with quick steps.
I immediately ran after him and grabbed his hand.
"Where are you going?" I asked. He turned to look at me and cupped my cheeks, urging me to meet his gaze. The sudden effect made me shift onto my toes.
His eyes were filled with tears, and he gulped before speaking.
", this is just going to hurt both of us. Please, think and give yourself time. You'll figure out what you really want. I am not the one you want,"
I shook my head and tried to respond. "But you are the one I need," I said. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine.
"You will understand in time," he said, stepping away from me.
"And don ’ t worry. I won ’ t do anything that will hurt you. And never think there was or will be anyone else in my heart. If it's not you, then it ’ s no one else,"
He said and walked away from there.
I silently let the tears flow down my cheeks, trying to steady myself. My breathing heavied. After crying my heart out, I wiped my tears and walked away after he left.
For a few days, I was furious and distraught with him. I couldn ’ t believe he left me alone when I cried and begged him to stay. I needed him the most when I didn ’ t know what was wrong with me. I needed him to hold me tight.
I was waiting for him to return. Days turned into weeks, and now it has been over eight months since he had been gone.
After a few months, my anger faded, and I began to return to my daily life. The smile that had once vanished from my lips slowly returned with the events unfolding in the Kingdom.
Princess Rudraja was growing up. She started eating solid food and became a bubbly, stubborn, and active child. When Nandani would tire, I would take her with me. Unknowingly, she always reminded me of her Kaakusa.