3
I spent most of my time talking, laughing, and playing with her. Her birthday was approaching, but not just yet.
Kunwarsa had been in Mehrangarh since he left, while Princess Rashmika had been in Suryagarh. At Ranaji's request, they both refused to marry.
Meanwhile, I learned that there is such a thing as a woman having feelings for another woman. I was shocked when I first found this out.
But Nandani explained it to me, and then I understood that Princess Rashmika and Kunwarsa never had feelings for each other. She loved someone else, and that someone was a woman.
After knowing that, I felt foolish. Very, very foolish.
I wished I had listened to Kunwarsa that day and tried to believe him when he said they were just friends.
But let bygones be bygones.
Surprisingly, after he left and after all the time I spent alone, missing him, not just emotionally but also lovingly and admiringly, I realized something different within myself.
Now, there was calm. It was suddenly silent.
After he left me, I understood what had happened to me. I learned that despite telling him I would never judge him or that his past wouldn ’ t matter to me, it did. Because I was feeling for him. I was developing feelings for him.
When I married my dead husband, I also told him that his past didn ’ t matter to me. I was a happy girl back then; I didn ’ t know what heartbreak meant. I didn ’ t realize the power my dead husband held to break me.
But this time, when I told the same thing to Kunwar Agastya, I was not a happy girl but a suffering woman who knew what this man could do to me. That ’ s where my insecurity and distrust grew.
Unknowingly, whatever he told me about his past, I unconsciously placed myself in the shoes of one of the women with whom he slept and left. But I failed to understand that it was consensual, as those women also didn ’ t want anything more from Kunwarsa.
Meanwhile, Kunwarsa didn ’ t share all of that to hurt me or to make me feel like one of those women. I failed to understand that he confided in me because he sought comfort. He wanted to lighten his burden and make me feel more important in his life. He wanted me to believe that I was the one who deserved to know.
But instead, I messed up badly and ended up doing things I would never do to anyone else.
I was so caught up in my fear of getting hurt and pushing him away that I ended up hurting him. Nandani was right. I made it all about myself when it wasn ’ t about me at all.
He was always helpful, loving, caring, and responsible toward me.
And I ended up comparing him to my dead husband, which he was not.
I was measuring this one parameter between them. The term "man whore" was traumatic for me. I couldn ’ t focus on anything else when it penetrated my mind.
I couldn ’ t think beyond or less than that. I couldn ’ t grasp how or why Kunwarsa was sharing this with me.
And genuinely, I was wrong. He was not.
I didn ’ t trust him when he repeatedly insisted that Princess Rashmika loved someone else.
I chose to believe my own eyes, trusting only what I thought would bring me pain.
With my eyes, I also saw him caring for me, fighting for me, loving me, making me happy, laughing with me, and bringing joy to my life. But due to my insecurities, I ended up focusing on other things I had seen.
I could have handled it better.
Over these months, I understood that, like me, he had gone through something traumatic and unhappy. Even though my experience was more painful, it didn ’ t mean his was any less significant.
Still, he remained there to protect and care for me, never making me feel wrong about myself.
Now, I was happy. I discovered what was wrong with me, and I was working on it.
Honestly, I realized far too late that the problem was not in him but in me. If there had been any other man, even someone who had never been in a relationship with a woman, I would have reacted the same way.
So I didn ’ t need to taunt him about his past or make him feel bad about it.
But I think he knew. He knew what was happening to me. Thankfully, he left to give me time to reflect and think. If he had been here, I would never have understood what his presence meant in my life or what his care, love, and affection were worth. But all in all, things were getting better.
Another three months passed, and Princess began to speak a few words, though they were not understandable.
She was beautiful, and there was another good news: Princess Aishwarya was now two months pregnant, and Kunwarsa did not know about it. He was busy implementing new rules and policies in Mehrangarh and looking after the Kingdom. Princess Rashmika seemed happy, but I still did not know who she loved.
He was infrequent with his letters, only sending them to Ranaji. Nandani asked me a few times if I wanted to call him back. She told me he would come back if she asked Ranaji to bring him, but I declined. Now, I wanted to respect his decision, just as he respected mine. Honestly, I missed him very much.
Tomorrow is the Princess ’ s first birthday. I knew he would come, not for anyone but for her. After all, she is his favorite child. I felt a strange happiness bubbling inside me. I was under my comforter. It was past midnight, and I couldn ’ t sleep anymore. I didn ’ t know what I would do when I saw him, nor did I know how he would react to seeing me. Would he still be upset about it? Would he be happy to see me? Would he be missing me too?
I didn ’ t know, but I wanted to see him with longer hair now. I didn ’ t like the trimmed look; it intimidated me dangerously. I didn ’ t know if he would ask me if I was okay, and I didn ’ t know what was happening to me.
I couldn ’ t sleep all night; I felt butterflies and knots in my stomach. I got out of bed early, and even the attendees woke up before me. It was a celebration in the Kingdom: the Princess ’ s first birthday. The Kingdom began to fill with guests. King Abhinandan and his family arrived, and even people from Songarh came. It seemed like a grand celebration was underway. But my heart was fluttering for one man.
"," Nandani called to me, and I turned to look at her. “ Are all the guests ’ rooms ready?” she asked, adjusting the dupatta on her head after feeding the princess and putting her back to sleep.
I nodded with a smile. "Yes, all are ready," I replied. She walked toward me and hugged me gently before cupping my cheek. "Kunwarsa Agastya will arrive today, so get a bit ready,” she said, and I smiled, shaking my head. “ It ’ s fine. I ’ m okay,” I said, returning to continue making the ladoos I had prepared with the attendees in the resting area of Nandani's chamber.
The entire kitchen was in chaos. I didn ’ t know why, but I didn ’ t want his attention anymore. I was content like this. “ Is Kunwar Agastya ’ s chamber ready and clean?” I heard Nandani ask another attendee, raising her voice slightly. "What are you doing? Do it quickly," she urged, and I just smiled, focusing on the ladoos I was shaping.
All I wanted was for him to look at me with love-filled eyes for once—My Shringhaar would be done, my responsibilities fulfilled, and love would bloom.
I didn ’ t realize that Nandani had left with all the attendees for an important guest arriving in the Kingdom.
I was suddenly distracted by the Princess ’ s crying. I looked around to see that no attentive caretaker was present.
Where did everyone go?
I stood up and quickly washed my hands before entering Nandani ’ s bedroom and approaching the Princess. Only a select few could touch her. The attendees could care for her and inform Nandani, but they could not get too close because of security reasons.
"Awww, my baby," I pampered, lifting the Princess into my arms. I patted her back as she cried even more.
"What happened to my sweet little pumpkin? Maasa? Do you need your Maasa?" I brought her out of the bedroom, but all she could do was cry.
"Aaeeeeee, aaaaaaaatttttaaaaaaattttttaa, ummmmmmmmm,"
"Awww, baby, calm down; she will be back. Do you want to eat something sweet?" I asked, trying to divert her attention.
She made faces, and I wiped away her fake tears. "Awww, did you have a bad dream? Don ’ t worry, your Baapusa will take care of all the demons," I murmured slowly, but she turned her gaze toward the ladoos .
"Taaaaaattttoooooooooooooo, Aaaaaaaattttttttaaaaattaaaaaa," she cried out, leaning toward them.
I sighed and put her down, watching as she reached for the ladoo plate with her little hands.
I smiled, sitting beside her. "Oh, you want to make sweets for your birthday yourself?" I asked, returning to making the ladoos, listening as she babbled away.
"Aatttaaaataaaaaaaa," she said, tasting the ladoos and messing her fingers up.
"How does it taste, Princess?" I asked with a smile.
She looked at me wide-eyed and smiled as she savored the sweets.
Like uncle, like niece—always hungry for sweets.
A crimson blush crept onto my cheeks, recalling some of our sweet encounters. Suddenly, the princess crawled, placing her hands on my thighs to lift herself up.
“ What happened, baby?" I asked, feeling her place her hands on my shoulder and back. Suddenly, my dupatta slipped down, and I chuckled.
"What are you doing, my Princess?" I asked, feeling her tiny hands on my back, taking help to walk a little.
She fell to her bum.
"Aatttttaaaaaatttttaaaaaaa," She cried, and I laughed a little.
I never understood what this meant.
I focused on making ladoos while I felt her tiny hands on my back, trying to lift herself to her feet again. Her fingers hooked in my blouse, and suddenly, I thought, she hung on the string of my blouse and pulled it open.
"Princess," I immediately exclaimed, and the blouse loosened even more as I tried to turn behind.
I looked at her, and she smiled, showing her small little teeth, and did again.
"Aaatttaaaattaa,"
Then she turned her head away and laughed, slapping her hands on the floor, and I heard a slight chuckle.
I froze.
My heartbeat stopped as I lifted my gaze and looked at him, sitting two meters away, smiling at the Princess. His hair had grown longer, and he appeared even more muscular. I gulped, taking in his black attire.
Was it a dream?
Suddenly, he lifted his gaze to look at me, and thousands of butterflies erupted into my stomach. The goosebumps appeared, staring into his green orbs shining bright in the sunlight.
He pulled Princess into his arms, and I shivered when I heard Ranaji's voice.
"Agastya, you are back?"
I immediately pulled my dupatta and ran from there.
Princess' voice faded. "Luuuuullllllllllllllll, taaaaaataaaaaaaaaaaa,"
I hid in the corner and held a passing attendee's hand to ask her to tie my blouse's strings.
Did he ask Princess to do that?
What?
How?
And why?
And, just by looking into his green eyes for once, I still felt a flower blossom in me even after a year.
My heart, which felt calm and at peace, suddenly jerked alive and now beats fast for him.
I did not know what kind of power he held over me. It all began with needing him for comfort and protection, which then turned into wanting him more and more, blindly, at any cost.
This started hurting me, and when he left, I thought that maybe I would manage to get over him or at least make peace with him.
Here we are again.
But I didn ’ t want to talk to him. Not after whatever I had done to him. I still didn ’ t know if I was good for him now or not. I didn ’ t want to hurt him anymore.
I gulped and silently walked to the kitchen to check on the preparations.
Nandani sent attendees to call me for the Hawan and donation ceremony, but I kept telling them I would join in a bit, as I was busy with something urgent.
And then, suddenly, she came by herself.
", what the hell are you doing?"
I lifted my gaze from the dough I was kneading for the guests' Pooris and looked in her direction. She looked beautiful in her orange attire, and I gave an embarrassed smile and tried to respond.
"The cooks are busy, and I need more help here," I gulped. I didn ’ t know why I was trying to hide.
"Shut up," she said, taking my hand to lead me out of the kitchen. She asked me to wash my hands once we reached her chamber.
Everyone was outside, and I didn ’ t understand why she brought me here.
"Change," she stated, widening her eyes, but I shook my head slightly.
"Nandani, seriously, I ’ m not feeling up to it. There's so much work pending, and I ’ m menstruating too," I tried to lie, but she stopped to look into my eyes.
"Oh, I didn ’ t know," she muttered. "Um, you should take a rest then. Don ’ t work," she said, and I immediately regretted saying it.
"No, no, I ’ m perfectly fine. It's the Princess' birthday. I want to be part of it. Plus, the Kingdom is flooded with guests, but you know," I inhaled deeply, and she gulped. She smiled and cupped my cheeks to make me look at her.
"You ’ re trying to escape from him," she said in simpler words. I tried to shake my head but eventually closed my eyes, agreeing.
In direct terms, I was doing exactly that.
"But why? It ’ s not like he will eat you," she said, and I opened my eyes to look at her.
"Trust me; he ’ s busy with Rudraja, Rudra, Prince Ranvijay, Nandan, and the guests. He hasn ’ t even had time to talk to me properly. They ’ re discussing politics. So, calm down," she said, gently patting my hands. I tried to nod.
"Alright," I muttered.
"Now, get ready. What will I tell Rudraja once she gets older? What were her Maasima and Kaakisa doing on her first birthday, hiding from her Kaakusa?" she said, and I couldn ’ t help but chuckle slightly.
"Please, Nandani," I managed to say, holding her hands in mine.
"You know I ’ m not family and never will be. Don ’ t make me see dreams I ’ m trying to forget. I messed up, and he doesn ’ t want me anymore," I tried to explain, and she stepped closer.
"Tumhe bada pata hai unhe kya chahiye or kya nahi. Pichle ek saal me aath rishte thukra chuke hai vo. Jab se Mehrangarh ka yudh jeeta hai tabse aath rishte, samajhti ho kitne hote hai. Sabke liye mana kar diya hai unhone,"
"Oh, so you know what he wants or what now. He has rejected eight marriage alliances in the last year. Ever since he won the war of Mehrangarh, he rejected eight girls. Do you understand how many that is? He rejected all of them," she said, and I lowered my fluttering gaze, biting my lips.
"But I might hurt him more, or what if he doesn ’ t want me anymore?" I tried to ask, but she inhaled deeply and made me look at her.
"Rudra bhi yahi soch lete na ki, kya pata Nandani ko me chahiye bhi ya nahi or hume dard denge to aaj vo Ranaji bhi nahi hote, hamare pati bhi nahi hote, or Rudraja bhi paida nahi hui hoti,"
"If Rudra also had thought like you that maybe Nandani doesn't want me, or he might hurt me more, then maybe he wouldn ’ t be the King, nor would he be my husband, and Rudraja wouldn ’ t have been born either," she said, and I lowered my gaze with mixed emotions. She placed her hand on my chin and made me look into her eyes.
"Do you know what you want now? Do you have that clarity with you? ," she asked. I looked at her face for a few moments and nodded slowly.
"What is it?" she asked, and I bit the inside of my lips and blinked silently before answering.
"I want him, and I think more than wanting, I need him, Nandani. He is the one who can handle me and hold me together. I mean, imagine he made me insane for him. What kind of power does he hold over me?" My voice came out slowly, and she smiled at me.
"Do you love him?" she asked, and I nodded slowly.
"I do, and now I know why it happened—because I love him," I drawled. She kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek gently.
“ Then it's worth fighting for, . All he wants for you is to be happy and healthy. Prove to him you are happy and healthy with him, not without him,” she suggested, and I asked.
"How can I prove that to him? Nandani," my voice hoarse, a lump formed in my throat.
She smiled weakly. "When you ’ ve figured it out this much, you ’ ll know more, too," she answered.
"Bhabhisa,"
Hearing his voice from outside the chamber made butterflies flutter in my stomach.
I lowered my gaze and adjusted my dupatta as Nandani replied. "You can come in, Devarsa."
I shook my head at her, and she just smiled at me.
I turned around, hiding my face, and acted fixing the misplaced items when I heard him say, "It seems like Papaya needs her meal. She is crying a little and feeling irritated."
"Aaaeeeeeeettttaaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaammaaaaaaaaa,” Princess cried. I heard Nandani's anklet chime as she walked toward him, closer to the door.
I didn ’ t dare turn and look at him, knowing that if I gazed at him one more time, I would break into tears.
My heart sank deeper, and I glanced at my fingers, trembling and shaking.
I couldn't believe how and when I fell for him this hard. The closeness to him was overwhelming, as was the distance.
"Aww, my baby, why were you crying, hnn?" Nandani asked, and I heard the princess reply,
"Aaeeettttaaaaaaaattttaaaaaaaaaa."
I gulped and lowered my gaze when, suddenly, Nandani said,
", can you bring some warm water?"
I knew she did it on purpose. He wouldn't have noticed me there, but he knew I was present when she called my name.
I turned slowly, trying not to look at him, focusing solely on Nandani as I nodded.
I immediately tried to hurry out of the room, but not so fast that it would reveal my anxiety to everyone.
I was walking quickly through the gallery, my fingers fidgeting with the end of my dupatta.
And suddenly, I felt my hand held by a solid yet gentle grip.
I turned back, my eyes widening in slight shock. My heart raced wildly as I looked into his eyes.
My fingers shook badly, and tears suddenly welled up in my eyes. Warmth rushed to my cheeks as I locked eyes with him. Memories of his warm comfort, his voice, and everything I longed for blurred my mind.
He stepped closer, wrapping his arm around my waist. Slowly, he pulled me into his arms.
My chest visibly rose and fell with each breath, and my hand snaked around his neck to support my weight.
Suddenly, the world faded away with his presence, and I felt his arm on my back, gently drawing me closer to his chest.
My eyes blinked nervously as I wrapped my other arm around his neck. His cologne filled me in, giving rebirth to every dead portion of me. My fingers tangled in his hair, fisting and pulling him even closer while my eyelashes fell shut, unable to hold back the tears building in my eyes.
I broke into cries.
I squeezed into his arms, and tears streamed down my face.
"I hate you so much," my voice came out hoarse and trembling as he pressed his cheek against mine and his lips against my neck.
"I hate you too, so fucking much," his slow, tearful voice made me cry even harder, and I felt him leading me to his chamber.