Agastya
With each passing day, I watched the blanket of stars spread across the dark sky, shining like pearls and then transforming into thick clouds—thundering, lightning, and raining—reminding me of the distance between us.
Each shiver I felt under the naked sky on the cold roof of Mehrangarh ’ s chamber made me wonder why I wasn ’ t with her.
But then, a painful memory would make me sigh deeply and remind me not all possessions are loving; some can feel like slavery.
But day by day, the sting of those words softened, replaced by smiles of such beauty, allure, and vitality that took my breath away. The bright, innocent, yet possessive and empty eyes, screaming for love, blurred my vision. Eyes that used to look down in moments of confusion, uncertainty, and self-doubt. Her lips, which called me ‘ Kunwarsa ’ and curved upward whenever I teased her, constantly reminded me of my responsibilities.
A corner of my heart still beats for her.
Even in the chaos, pain, and separation, the memories of her brought a smile to my lips each day.
My mornings would begin with an impatience to return to the Kingdom, hold her tightly in my arms, and tell her how much I loved her. But as the sun reached its zenith, spreading warmth everywhere with everything it had, sanity would envelop me, reminding me of what she endured because of me. By evening, I would resolve that I was not helping her, but increasing her pain. Finally, at the end of the day, I would go back to sleep, feeling an uneasiness as well—one that pertained to the heartache she experienced with my presence.
To distract myself from her, I engaged in more physical activities, such as exercise, fighting, and horseback riding. Yet, during these months, all I felt was the desire to be closer to her.
Each time I reminded myself that I caused her pain, a thought occurred to me that perhaps I was the one who could help her relieve it.
I felt very weak and lost when I left Suryagarh.
But now, I was no longer that way. I realized that I shouldn ’ t feel bad about whatever she said. She was my wife; she could feel hurt if something related to me caused her pain. She had the right to be angry with me and to hurt me.
I shouldn ’ t have felt bad.
However, I needed time.
Now, I was heading back home almost after a year, and I wasn ’ t sure if she would smile when she saw me. I didn ’ t even have the courage to face her. Knowing how much I had hurt her, I didn ’ t have the strength to look into her eyes.
I only knew that I would celebrate the Princess ’ s birthday and return tomorrow.
I was a mile from the Kingdom, and my heart was pounding wildly. I could feel the sweat on my palms, and I didn ’ t understand why Ashwait ran even faster.
I took a deep breath before entering the Kingdom, but my heart sank even lower.
Calm Down. She will not eat you.
I did not know what to do now.
After putting Ashwait in the stable, I walked through the galleries. The attendees smiled and bowed to me. Officials recognized me and inquired about my well-being.
It was merely a formality; nobody cared about my feelings.
I sighed deeply and walked straight to Bhaisa ’ s chamber to meet my princess. As I entered the expansive chamber, my steps slowed as if my heart instinctively knew she would be there. I could hear my heart pounding loudly.
Yet, a part of me wanted to meet her, ask if she was okay, and discover if she was feeling better without me.
My heart sank even deeper, and eventually, my heartbeat stopped when I saw her step out of Bhabhisa ’ s bedroom with Rudraja in her hand. She was smiling, and just seeing her smile caused a grin to appear on my lips out of nowhere.
She looked beautiful, as always, in her simple clothes. There was a fresh glow on her face, and the moment she laughed with Rudraja and wiped Rudraja ’ s tears, I couldn ’ t help but bite my lip to keep myself from smiling.
My babies were close to each other.
She didn ’ t notice me watching her place Rudraja next to her before she sat down to make ladoos. The other attendees saw me and walked away at my signal.
Rudraja squealed, turning her head to me. I grinned. And, as I stepped closer to her, she started laughing.
She turned her head back to the ladoos and picked one up. After tasting it, she smiled at Suman, and I couldn ’ t help but think how great she was with babies.
As I approached them, Rudraja stood on her feet. She had even pulled her dupatta down—mistakenly—and I couldn ’ t help but gulp as I gazed at her back, sparkling in the sunlight. A deep black mole on the side of her waist caught my attention.
My lower lip curled inward, pressed between my teeth.
Rudraja fell. Suman chuckled softly. I adored them in silence.
I sat down behind her and looked at Rudraja, who tried to stand up again and look at me. She pulled herself up with the help of Suman ’ s thighs, back, and arms. She gripped her tiny fingers on Suman ’ s blouse ’ s knot.
As she glanced at me, she nearly stumbled again. I gestured for her to grab the string of Suman ’ s blouse while holding onto the strings of my overcoat.
"Tataaaaattaaaaa," She squealed, asking me in nods. I nodded back and she laughed even more. Suddenly, when she was about to fall again, she pulled the string off her blouse.
I couldn ’ t control my smile.
Suman flinched and turned to face her. Rudraja laughed, slapping her hands against the floor, and I couldn ’ t help but chuckle.
She may have sensed Suman ’ s anger as she quickly crawled toward me. I pulled her into my arms and lifted my gaze to look at her shrinking Kaakisa .
Her expression shifted from surprise to shock when her eyes met mine. I froze for a moment, watching the glow of her face fade to pale, and suddenly I heard my Bhaisa .
She immediately ran away, and I felt my heart ache.
I tried to stay composed in front of my Bhaisa as he took me to meet the officials of the Kingdom. Rudraja, in my arms, started playing with my face and laughing. But as soon as she spotted her Bade Kaakusa , she leaned toward him.
“ How are you, ?” Ranvijay Bhaisa asked as he took Rudraja from my hands. We hugged tightly.
“ I ’ m doing well, Bhaisa. How about you?” I asked, and after a while, the layer of formality between us tore away.
I met King Abhinandan, Queen Trisha, and all the guests. After meeting Aishwarya Bhabhisa, I learned that she was expecting. My happiness soared to such heights that I couldn ’ t help but lift her into my arms. She squealed, and I quickly set her down. She gave my cheek a gentle slap, and I felt like I was on cloud nine. “ Finally, another baby; it ’ ll be a boy, I know,” I said, and she chuckled, shaking her head gently.
"We cannot say yet," she said, and I nodded silently. I asked her how she was doing and watched her play with Rudraja.
Rudraja was everyone's favorite. Her unique quality was that, at such a young age, she knew who her family was. She would reach for her Maamusa, Naani, or grandmother's hand, recognizing everyone. She even knew Eklavya.
The craziest thing about her was that she was trying to call everyone by their names.
I laughed so hard when she attempted to call Bhaisa 'Luuuuullllllll.'
But even among my family, I felt an emptiness. I couldn ’ t find her; she wasn ’ t around. I could sense that she was distancing herself from me. Part of me felt guilty for making her feel that way, while another part feared she might feel the same.
Suddenly, Rudraja began to cry in Ranvijay Bhaisa ’ s arms, and I took her in my arms.
"Maybe she is hungry," I said, and Rudra Bhaisa said.
"She is hungry. It's her feeding time,"
"Lullllllll, taaaaataaaaaaaa," she yelled at Rudra Bhaisa in frustration. Hearing her, all I could do was laugh.
"Baapusa bola karo, pitayi hogi varna aapki,"
“ Call me Baapusa, or you will be slapped,” Rudra Bhaisa said, cupping her cheeks. She shook her head and smiled, showing her teeth.
“ Alright, my little princess, let ’ s take you to your mother,” I said as she rested her head on my shoulder, singing softly. I couldn ’ t understand the words.
When I arrived at Bhabhisa ’ s chamber, I attempted to call her to request permission to enter. She invited me in, and I informed her that Rudraja was hungry.
She held Rudraja in her arms and blurted.
"Suman, can you bring some warm water, please,"
My heartbeats stopped, and I turned to notice Suman standing a little away from us, her face opposite.
I gulped nervously as she turned towards me. She didn ’ t even glance in my direction, and I felt an ache.
She nodded before silently walking away, and I couldn ’ t help but follow her.
The gallery was empty, with only a few attendees drifting into other areas. Everyone was engaged in the gathering. She was hurrying, and I could sense her falling apart at any moment.
My hands ached to hold her tightly in my arms and tell her everything I wanted to express. I wanted to apologize for all the pain she felt because of me.
I jogged a bit and slowed down to match her steps. I took a deep breath before grasping her wrist. She visibly shivered, and I felt her shrink away from my touch.
My heart heaved as she turned back to look at me. Her eyes reddened when they met mine. My hand wrapped around her waist. She blinked nervously. The pain was etched on her face, the silence thick with it. She hesitated, shrinking into me.
I lifted her into my arms, sensing her slight trembling. Her eyes widened a bit, and I pulled her closer to my chest, tightening my grip to hug her.
The feeling of her fingers fisting into my hair, pulling me closer, and pressing into me, broke me into crying. She broke into tears as well before murmuring slowly against my neck in her shaky voice.
“ I hate you so much,” she said, tightening her fingers in my hair. I closed my eyes, surrendering. Her warmth calmed, held, and healed me, and I felt frustrated knowing I could not exist without her.
“ I hate you so fucking much,” I muttered back. My voice had grown hoarse and dry from crying, and I glanced at the attendees watching us.
I sucked in a sharp breath and turned my feet to take her to my chamber.
Before I entered the chamber, I signaled the guards standing outside not to disturb us.
It was clean and scented with fresh fragrances.
She cried even more, and I tried to calm her down.
"Shhhh, calm down," I begged, sitting on the bed. She straightened up and cupped my cheek in her hands.
"Hume Kshama kar diye, Kunwarsa, humse galti ho gayi. Hum aapko dard nahi dena chahte the,"
“ Please forgive me… Kunwarsa, I made a mistake. I never meant to hurt you,” she sobbed even harder. Her voice was strained and hoarse.
I shook my head and held her tightly in my arms.
"No, please do not cry," I whispered over her face and wiped her tears. She shook her head.
"I am sorry, I am so sorry," her voice broke.
She grew impatient and pressed her lips on my right cheek. My face lowered, and I tried to calm her down. "Suman,"
She kissed my cheek and jaw and the other side of my cheek and jaw and reached down to my neck.
"Suman," I intoned, unable to suppress a weak smile. A fresh tear rolled down my cheek as she lowered her hands to my neck, cupping it gently and pulling me closer, bringing her lips near mine.
My breathing was already quick. Our noses collided as I tried to pull away and cupped her cheeks to stop her.
She shivered and sniveled.
"Calm down," I requested and pressed my forehead against her. "I am here with you," affirming her.
She clutched my overcoat and drew me closer to her, shaking her head.
“ I ’ m sorry, I ’ m so sorry, Kunwarsa,” she muttered, growing restless as I pulled her closer and tightened my grip around her.
She pressed her lips against my cheek restlessly, and I closed my eyes, pushing my hand onto her hair bun and tightening my other arm around her as well.
Her breathing appeared uneven and restless, and I could sense panic in her actions.
“ Calm down, Suman. I ’ m here,” I whispered, pressing my cheek against hers.
She gave in slowly, and I felt her fingers fisting on my shoulders restlessly and suddenly circled them around my shoulder and neck.
We had never been closer than this before.
She moaned as I pulled her painfully closer, my arms crushing her bones. We closed our eyes, breathing into each other, licking the old wounds, and realizing how much we needed each other.
Her scent calmed my racing heart, and she relaxed in a few moments.
There was peace all of a sudden.
Her breathing returned to normal, and after a while, I sensed her slowly pulling away. She gulped, gazing into my eyes, and I silently stared back into her red, swollen, tearful ones.
Her gaze flickered to my lips for a moment, and then, without warning, she slapped me.
My hand instinctively found its way into her hair bun, pulling her perilously closer to me with anticipation. Her lips quivered, her heart raced again, and a soft cry escaped her lips.
"Anhh,"
I gazed into her eyes and noticed her parted, trembling lips hovering just above mine. She was only a centimeter away and all vulnerable.
"Esa prem hai aapka. Hume akela chodkar chale gaye,"
“ This is your love. You left me all alone,” she quivered, allowing a fresh tear to roll down her cheek. Her chest raised up and down with short and uneven breaths.
"Kam se kam prem to hai. Tum to vo bhi nahi karti,"
"At least I love you. You do not do either either,” I complained, and she stared silently into my eyes with anger and affection.
"Kisne kaha nahi karte,"
"Who told you?"
She breathed shakily, breaking into tears, and closed her eyes while pressing her forehead against mine.
"Bahut prem karte hai hum aapse Kunwarsa,” “ I love you a lot Kunwarsa,” She sucked in a deep breath, trembled under my hold.
“ Bahut bahut bahut jyada, itna ki shayad kabhi kisi se kiya hi nahi, Bhagwaan se bhi nahi,"
“ I love you a lot, Kunwarsa. I love you so much, maybe more than I have ever loved anyone, even more than I love God,” she confessed against my lips and brought her face closer, stretching up in my arms, pressing her lips against mine.
I pulled back a little and tightened my fist on her hair. “ Ahhhhh,” she moaned in pain. The bitter memory hazed my brain, and I tried to warn her.
"You will regret it, Suman,"
She shook her head and cupped my cheek to pull my face closer to her. Her fingers dug into my nape. Our breathing fanned over each other, and I said. "It could be the moment when you are low,"
She shook her head, replying. "I know what I am doing," A hint of frustration lingered in her voice as I asked again, staring at her lips, trembling for me. "Are you sure? Suman,"
She nodded and fisted on my collar to pull me closer than ever. My lashes forced closed as she pressed her lips against mine.
I inhaled profoundly, feeling the force in her lips, sucking onto mine.
I froze. Gave in. Lost.
She nibbled my lips, and I couldn ’ t help but cry out in pain. "Uhmm,"
She lifted herself, pressing her knees on the side of my waist over the bed, never leaving my lips. I felt her fingers fisting into the back of my hair. My face tilted back as she poured her fierce passion into sucking my lips.
My hands crawled over her half-naked back. My fingers tangled into the strings of her blouse, and I could not help but pull her closer to me.
Our chests crushed into each other, the heat seeping through our clothes, igniting each other. Her dupatta fell off the shoulder, and she muttered against my lips. “ Take me, Kunwarsa,"
And I could not help but chuckle.
"What?" I asked, noticing her face immediately emerge from the haze and stare back at me in confusion.
“ Hn?” She blinked nervously, stamped, stepped away from me, and gulped silently as she pulled her dupatta up to cover her head.
"Umm, Sorry, I am sorry, I... I did not mean... it," She stumbled and stepped back from me, so I quickly stood up, grabbed her hand, pulled her back, and nuzzled her down onto the bed beneath me.
We fell on the bed. The old wood creaked. Broke. Earning a slow scream from her.
Everything went black.
For a few moments, we both could not understand what had happened.
I looked at the broken bed, and we were lying in it.
Stuck.
She looked into my eyes with embarrassment and redness on her flushed face, and I laughed a little.
She blinked timidly and tried to push me away from her.
"Kya hua? Abhi to tum keh rahi thi?"
"What happened? You were saying something a few moments ago?" I teased.
She gulped, shaking her head, and tried to push me away slowly.
"Nahi, vo to bas, jaban fisal gayi,"
"No, no, it was just my tongue slipped," She muttered with breathlessness.
I looked into her eyes.
"Dekhlo, soch samajh kar bola karo, varna jis din haath lagogi, palang joot jaega,"
"See, speak wisely, or the bed will break whenever I will get hold of you," I muttered playfully. She inhaled deeply, staring back into my eyes.
"Bass bass, itni bhi jaan nahi hai aapme,"
"Stop, you are not that powerful,"
I lifted my brows, and she tried to pull herself up.
I blocked her, and she looked into my eyes pleadingly.
"Jaane dijiye na Kunwarsa, koi aa jaega, dekh lega, Poora Mehal atithiyon se bhara hua hai,"
"Let me go, Kunwarsa, or someone will come, someone will see; the whole Kingdom is crowded with guests,"
I felt her breath brushing against my lips, and I asked slowly. "Naraz ho abhi bhi?"
"Are you still angry?"
She shook her head, gazing into my eyes, and I cradled her cheek and kissed her nose, saying. "Ab ho bhi jaogi to hum jaan laga denge tumhe manane ke liye. Jitni baar dil todogi, utni baar samet le aaenge tumhare liye, magar aana tabhi jab man ho, dukh or khed se mat aana,"
“ Don ’ t worry; I ’ ll move mountains to make it up to you whenever you feel angry. I ’ ll gather all the pieces of myself for you each time you break me, but come only when you ’ re ready, not when you ’ re feeling regret.”