Chapter 21
Hospital waiting rooms were, Zoe thought dully, one of the worst places in the world—bright halogen lighting, hard chairs, a stale smell in the air, and a sense of despair so thick you could taste it.
“I should have called the doctor,” she said into the silence that had stretched between them for at least fifteen minutes. It wasn’t the first time she’d said it.
“That wouldn’t have made a difference to tonight,” Dan replied quietly. It wasn’t the first time he’d said that, either.
“I shouldn’t have gone out tonight,” Zoe insisted, and this time Dan stayed silent.
Maybe he agreed with her, or maybe he knew not to argue with her when she was feeling so very fragile.
Her dad, not breathing. Her dad, in the hospital, and maybe even dying, for all she knew.
No one had told her anything, but all the things she’d refused to think about were now coming catapulting toward her, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
Since they’d arrived at the hospital in Torrington, they’d had no news besides the fact that her father was in the ER and was being seen to by doctors, which meant, at least, Zoe told herself, that he was still alive. It felt like the only hope she had to cling to, and it wasn’t nearly enough.
Several minutes ticked past, each one endless.
Zoe appreciated that Dan wasn’t trying to fill the silence, because she knew she’d be annoyed if he did, but at the same time she sort of wanted him to.
She needed a distraction, even as she recognized nothing could have distracted her.
She’d taken her eye off the ball, lowered her guard for one evening, and here she was, in ER. More importantly, her father was in ER.
Just then the doors to the ER swung open, and Zoe’s head jerked up, her whole body going tense as she saw a doctor whom she didn’t recognize striding toward her, looking far too serious.
“Yyy… yes?” she stammered as she rose from her seat on unsteady legs that felt as weak as a lamb’s. “My dad…?”
Dan rose to stand next to her, slipping his arm through hers to steady her. Zoe wanted to lean into him, craving that comfort, but she kept herself from it. She needed to stay strong.
“Your father is stable for now,” the doctor said, and then Zoe couldn’t keep from slumping a little with relief as she released a shaky breath.
“He’d been breathless and weak because his platelet count was very low,” the doctor continued, “and so we gave him a transfusion, which helped to stabilize him.”
“But he had a blood transfusion just a few weeks ago—” Zoe began in a thready voice.
“Unfortunately, in his condition, transfusions don’t always take,” the doctor replied in the calm, matter-of-fact voice of so many specialists.
“His doctor is going to visit him tomorrow, and I advised he stay in overnight.” He paused, his tone gentling a little.
“His condition is serious, as I’m sure you know. ”
“I know,” Zoe whispered. “But he’s had it for ten years—”
“Which is amazing,” the doctor replied. “He’s done really well to maintain his health for so long.”
That was not, she thought, the kind of encouragement she wanted to hear right now.
“Can I see him?” she asked, and the doctor nodded.
“For a short while. He’s awake, but he really needs to rest and recover.”
“Do you want me to—” Dan began, but Zoe shook her head, a matter of instinct.
“No, I’ll go myself. But… thank you.” He nodded, and she felt like she should say something more, but she couldn’t think what it was.
She gave him an apologetic smile and then hurried to follow the doctor, through the swinging doors of the ER.
Her father had been moved to a ward off the ER, and as Zoe stepped into it, she was struck by how pale and old he looked, lying nearly lifeless in the hospital bed. He stirred, his eyes fluttering open as she closed the door behind him.
“Zoe, honey.” He smiled tiredly. “Did I scare you?”
“Yes,” she managed in a shaky voice. “Way too much, Dad. Do you remember what happened?”
He shook his head. “Just started feeling really dizzy and breathless. Your poor mother looked terribly worried. That’s all I remember.”
“Well, you stopped breathing.” Zoe tried to sound matter of fact, but her voice wobbled. “You had to be brought here by ambulance.” She gave him a mockingly severe look. “Nice way to ruin my date.”
To her shock and horror, her father’s face crumpled. “Oh, Zoe…” He looked near tears.
“Dad, I was kidding,” Zoe exclaimed quickly. “You know my date doesn’t matter a bit.”
“We’ve deprived you of so much, your mother and I,” he said sadly. “I wish we hadn’t.”
“And I gave you hell for several years,” Zoe returned, thinking of her stormy teenaged years. “I think we’re even.”
Her dad shook his head. “That’s not how it works, sweetheart,” he told her. “Kids get a free pass. Parents don’t.”
“I beg to differ.” Zoe perched on the chair by his bed. “In any case, the important thing now is for you to get better.”
Her father’s eyes crinkled as he looked at her with a mixture of sorrow and humor. “Zoe, you and I both know I’m not getting better.”
“Dad—” Her voice caught, and she found she couldn’t say anything more.
“There’s only one way this is going, Zo,” her father said gently.
He reached out, struggling a little, for her hand, clasping her fingers and pulling so she was forced to stretch out her arm.
With one fingertip he touched the tattoo of the tent on her forearm.
“Remember this?” he said quietly. “I’m ready to go home, Zo.
If not for you and your mom, I’d go now.
But for your sake, I’ll try to hang on a little longer. ”
“Dad…” Zoe’s voice was clogged with tears. She couldn’t stand him talking like this. He was only fifty-eight; he should have so much more life to live.
“It’s all right, Zoe,” her dad said, still holding her hand. “I’m ready. Your mom’s ready too, whenever her time comes. You can let us go.”
“I don’t want to,” she cried, her voice still thick with the tears she was barely holding back.
“I know, sweetheart, I know. But I want you to have a chance to live your life, and I think that’s going to have to be without us.”
“Don’t say that,” she exclaimed, yanking her hand out of his to wipe her eyes. She felt angry, that he could be so calm about it, so resigned. Why wasn’t he fighting more, for her sake if not for his own?
“I’m sorry,” her dad said softly. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“Well, you are,” Zoe snapped, and then hated herself for getting angry. “Dad, please. Don’t give up,” she whispered.
“I’m not giving up,” he promised her. “But I am letting go. There’s a difference, Zoe, I promise you.”
All Zoe could do was shake her head.
They lapsed into silence then; her father was clearly exhausted, and Zoe didn’t think she could manage a syllable without bursting into tears. She waited until he was asleep, his breathing evening out, before she headed back out to the waiting room, feeling utterly leaden inside.
Dan was half asleep, his head in his hand, when she came out, but he stirred awake as she approached.
“How is he?” he asked softly.
“He’s sleeping. He’s… at peace.” It was all she could manage.
“Zoe…”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said stiffly. She felt as if she could shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment. A single word would send her splintering apart.
They didn’t speak as they headed out to the car, got in, and started to drive through the dark night. Their date by the waterfall felt like a million years ago.
“How can I help?” Dan asked after several minutes of silence had slid by.
“You can’t.” Zoe’s voice was flat. She pressed her hands to her eyes.
She felt overwhelmed, full to the brim of sadness and despair, and she didn’t know how to deal with any of it.
She couldn’t. “This… this is too complicated, Dan,” she said in a choked-out voice.
“You. Me. My parents. Sophie…” She shook her head, her hands still pressed to her eyes. “I can’t deal with it all.”
Dan was silent for a moment. “I don’t want to be someone you have to deal with,” he said finally. “That’s not how this is supposed to work.”
“And how is it supposed to work?” Zoe demanded, her voice rising so she sounded angry, which felt better than feeling so terribly sad.
“We go on a couple of dates, I juggle a fledgling relationship while managing the decline and death of both my parents while your daughter actively hates me and you deal with a job and an ex-wife and who knows what else? Is that how it’s supposed to work? ”
Dan’s jaw tensed as he flexed his hands on the steering wheel. “Life is complicated,” he told her, a statement of fact rather than an agreement with what she’d just said. “It doesn’t have to preclude trying for happiness or being with someone.”
Zoe shook her head, weary now, and utterly spent.
She heard what he was saying, she understood it and part of her wanted to believe it, desperately.
But she couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t.
“I don’t have room for both,” she said. Dan didn’t reply and into the silence she added in a tone of finality, “I’m sorry. ”
They didn’t speak until he’d pulled into her driveway, his face half-hidden in shadow as he turned to her, her hand on the door handle.
“If there’s anything you need,” he told her in a low voice that thrummed with intensity. “Anything at all, Zoe… you know where to find me. I’ll always be here… for you.”
She nodded slowly, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, although already she knew she wouldn’t ask him for anything.
That would just make things more complicated, and that was the last thing either of them needed.
It wasn’t fair to either of them, or to Sophie for that matter, to muddy the waters any further than they already had been.
“Thank you,” she said softly, and it sounded like goodbye. As she got out of the car and headed into her house, she didn’t look back once.