Chapter 22
“You what?”
Laurie goggled at Zoe across the counter as Zoe tossed sliced strawberries into the blender.
“I ended it before it began,” she confirmed in a flat, firm voice.
At least she hoped it was flat and firm, and not deadened and numb, which was how she felt inside…
not just about Dan, but about everything.
In the space of a single evening, her life had detonated, turned into a barren landscape of nothing more than waiting.
And she missed Dan far more than she knew she should.
It had only been two days, after all, since she’d told him she didn’t have space in her life for all that complication.
“But… why?” Laurie asked, sounding baffled. “He was so into you, Zoe—”
“It wasn’t about that.” Zoe had been bracing herself for this conversation, and many more like it, as her friends were eager to know how her date had gone.
Word about her father’s condition had gotten around, and so she hadn’t had to deal with too many excited “how was it?” conversations.
But her friends had assumed that, although the timing was bad, the romantic prospects were still very much on the table.
Nobody, Laurie included, seemed to understand why they couldn’t be.
“It’s just too complicated,” Zoe stated flatly. “I don’t have the time or emotional energy to invest in a relationship right now. And you know how much work dating can be—getting to know a person, always looking and acting like the best version of yourself—”
“Isn’t that just more faking it?” Laurie pressed. “Dan’s already seen you at a pretty low point. Why not be real with him and let him help you through the hard times?”
“I don’t know him well enough for that.” And it was too much to ask. The last thing Zoe wanted was to lean on Dan only for him to step away because he couldn’t handle the weight, especially with his own daughter to consider.
Laurie was silent for a moment. “I understand feeling cautious about it,” she said at last. “But it seems such a shame to shut it down so comprehensively.” She gave Zoe an earnest look, the expression in her eyes kind, but also shrewd.
“I know what it’s like to do life on your own, you know?
That’s basically how I lived my whole life before coming to Starr’s Fall, and it wasn’t by choice.
Far from it.” She went quiet again before continuing softly, “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I certainly wouldn’t choose it the way you’re doing.
” The words were gentle, but Zoe still felt their sting.
“Having friends is a blessing,” Laurie told Zoe.
“And having a partner in life even more so. I’m not saying it has to be Dan, because I know it was very early days with him, but…
don’t close yourself off again, Zoe, even if it feels like the safer thing.
In the long run, it isn’t, I promise you. ”
That seemed like a good time to turn on the blender and avoid having to respond to such well-meant but painful advice.
By the time she turned it off again, Zoe made sure the conversation was moving on, and shortly after Laurie left with her smoothie and a sad smile.
Zoe glanced around the empty store, feeling loneliness whistle through her like a cold wind.
She was used to being alone, she’d liked it that way, but right now she felt it far more than she ever had before.
Maybe it was because she had let people in, for a little while.
And also because she was feeling the fragility of her parents’ health more than ever.
Yesterday, her dad had come home, and thanks to the infusion of platelets, he’d had a little more energy, but he’d been seen by his specialist before his discharge, and there had been no escaping the truth.
His MDS had progressed. It wasn’t full-blown leukemia, not yet, but that was the direction they were heading in, and while Zoe had always known that, she still hated hearing it. Feeling it. Her dad, however, had been surprisingly cheerful.
“I think it’s time to make the most of what I have,” he’d told the doctor with a smile. “I think my wife and I have both fallen into something of a slump these last few years, just because it was easier.” He’d glanced at Zoe, his eyes glinting with humor. “Time to write that bucket list!”
Zoe had thought he’d been joking, but that evening, instead of their usual TV lineup, he and her mom had written down all the things they wanted to do while they still could.
It was a modest list, full of ideas that were eminently doable, if not without some challenges: walk to the waterfall.
Go out to dinner. Sail on Bantam Lake. And go to the 4 July fireworks tomorrow night.
“Sounds good,” Zoe had said cheerfully, while her mom had given her a knowing smile.
“And will Dan and Sophie be coming with us?” she’d asked in the voice of someone who clearly thought romance was in the air.
“I’m not sure what their plans are,” Zoe had replied, and both her parents’ faces had fallen.
Zoe had changed the subject before they could ask anything more about it.
She didn’t need more people being disappointed that she hadn’t discovered true love with her next-door neighbor.
At least Sophie would be relieved, she thought wryly.
Her teenaged friend had made it abundantly clear that after her initial enthusiasm, she no longer approved of her dad dating her boss, for whatever reason.
The door to the ice cream parlor opened, and Zoe looked up, startled to see Henrietta Starr stumping through the door.
“Miss Starr,” she greeted her as she hurried about to help her with the door. “What a lovely surprise.”
“I’m visiting my grandson,” Henrietta told her. “And I wanted to bring some ice cream. Besides which,” she added with a touch of humor, “I find, to my surprise, that the chocolate peanut butter flavor is quite delicious.”
Zoe grinned at that. “It is, isn’t it?” she agreed. “Would you like a pint to take away with you?”
“And a cone,” Henrietta replied with dignity. “Two scoops.”
Zoe had to smother a laugh. “Of course.” She went behind the counter to fill the order while Henrietta stood in front of the display case, her gnarled hands resting on the top of her cane.
She looked every inch the dignified matriarch, wearing a belted dress of mauve cotton that looked like it might be from the 1950s.
“You know,” she said as Zoe started to scoop the ice cream, “my great-granddaughter has been coming to see me on occasion.”
Zoe straightened, the scoop in hand. “Sophie?” she said in surprise. “She has?”
Henrietta nodded. “I saw her outside once a few weeks ago, and I invited her in.” Her lips twitched.
“She seemed most reluctant, I admit, but afterward she began to drop by, which was pleasant for both of us. At least, I assume it was, since she kept doing it. I certainly enjoyed her company. She is a worthy opponent in Scrabble, although she initially played under duress.”
Scrabble, Zoe reflected, had to be challenging with Sophie’s dyslexia.
She admired the girl for playing at all.
But where, Zoe wondered as she resumed scooping the ice cream, was Henrietta Starr going with this?
What had Sophie told her great-grandmother about her?
“I’m glad,” she said after a moment. “For both of you.”
“She seems a troubled young girl,” Henrietta continued, and Zoe tensed, “who doesn’t know her own mind.
Although to be fair, I don’t know many young girls who do.
” She paused reflectively. “In truth, I don’t know many young girls at all.
But I do know, from my own experience, that it’s all too easy to want two very different things at the same time, even if they’re opposite to each other.
” She stared at Zoe with beady concentration, her eyes seeming very blue in her wizened and wrinkled face. “Don’t you think so?”
“I… suppose,” Zoe managed. Were they still talking about Sophie? Had she confided in Henrietta about her and Dan?
“You know that Daniel is my grandson, of course.” Zoe nodded.
“I gave his mother up for adoption. I was only twenty. I very much wanted to keep her and not keep her at the same time. Giving her up seemed like the safer thing to do—I could live my life, such as it was, and she could, too.” A small sigh escaped her.
“I don’t regret my choice, because she had a good life, and for that I’ll always be grateful.
” She paused, and for a moment her face was wreathed in sorrow, the weight of what-ifs so clearly visible in every wrinkle and furrow.
“But now, as I look back,” she continued, “I wonder whether I confused safety with ease. Doing the harder thing might have been better, even if it seemed so much riskier at the time. Safety, in my view, is overrated, but it can be very comfortable.”
Zoe struggled to think of a reply as she handed Henrietta her cone.
She was pretty sure the matriarch of Starr’s Fall was not talking about Sophie or herself anymore.
Somehow this elderly woman had figured out what was going on in Zoe’s life.
Maybe she’d seen more at the barbecue, or maybe she’d recognized herself in Zoe.
Whatever it was, Zoe had the uncomfortable feeling of being very much seen.
“I’ll take my cone with me,” Henrietta said, raising it in a toast-like fashion. Zoe packed her pint as Henrietta counted out several wrinkled dollar bills to pay for it all.
“Thank you,” she said impulsively, not meaning the ice cream, as Henrietta started to turn away.
Henrietta cracked a rare smile, her faded blue eyes shrewd, as if she knew exactly what Zoe was thanking her for. “My pleasure,” she replied before turning toward the door.
Zoe was still mulling over what Henrietta had said as she left the store, walking down the street with slow, careful steps, as regal as ever, even as she licked her cone.
Did Henrietta Starr know about her and Dan?
She might have gleaned something from the way they’d been at the barbecue, Zoe acknowledged, or maybe Sophie had said something.
In any case, the advice seemed to be to take the risk rather than play it safe…
but that was, she acknowledged, easy to say from the vantage point of a long life that had been lived in such safety.
It was all too easy to say something was overrated when you’d already enjoyed experiencing it. From this side, Zoe still wasn’t so sure… but it did give her a lot to think about.
Henrietta’s words were still echoing through her head as she walked home early that evening, the air balmy and warm.
As ever, Zoe couldn’t keep from glancing at the house next door, wondering what Dan was doing, if Sophie was around.
She’d gotten used to them both being in her life, she realized, even though it had only been a few weeks.
And while Sophie was continuing to work a couple of days at The Latest Scoop, Zoe was pretty sure it wouldn’t feel the same.
Nothing would.
Inside the house, she was surprised to see her dad in the kitchen, brandishing several pots and pans.
“Dad—”
“Making dinner,” he announced. “Another item on the bucket list. I’ve always wanted to make a proper ragu sauce.”
Zoe glanced at the items on the counter—pancetta, fresh garlic, a bottle of red wine. None of it had been in the house this morning. “Where did you get all that?” she asked.
“Dan took me to Litchfield to shop,” her father replied breezily. “Admittedly, it took a while, but he said he was going anyway and was happy for me to come along. Your mother couldn’t come too, as she was in the middle of a vicious game of Gin Rummy with Emma.”
Her mother hadn’t played Rummy for years. What was going on?
“Life is to be lived,” her father said, reading her baffled expression correctly. “No matter how long we have left.”
Zoe shook her head slowly. She was glad, of course, that her parents were taking more of an interest in things, but it also made her nervous. Two days ago her dad had seemed near death. She really didn’t want him to overdo it, just to prove that he could.
“Well, it smells delicious,” she said at last, nodding to the ground beef frying in a pan on the stove. “Can I help?”
“Not at all,” her dad replied. “You can keep your mom company in the other room. I know she’d love to beat you at Gin Rummy.”
* * *
Several hours later, with her parents tucked up in bed, Zoe was still reflecting on how strange the turns in life could be.
The last thing she would have expected was for her parents to get a new lease of life right as their conditions became more serious, but that seemed like what was happening.
How long it would last, she didn’t know, but maybe that was the point.
All you could do was enjoy the moment and accept it for what it was.
She stepped outside onto the little patio, enjoying the silky feel of the night air, a few stars scattered across a velvety black sky.
As ever, she looked toward her neighbor’s house.
It was only nine o’clock, but the downstairs looked dark.
Were Dan and Sophie out? Then she heard a clink in the darkness and, squinting, she realized someone was sitting out on the bench swing in the backyard. A beer bottle glinted in the moonlight.
Dan.
He looked so lonely out there, as lonely as she felt, and suddenly it felt incredibly stupid as well as selfish that she’d made the arbitrary decision to end things before they’d even begun.
She’d had good reasons, heaven knew, but right now they felt like nothing more than excuses, and flimsy ones at that.
And, Zoe realized, she’d been so intent on trying to let people into her life, she hadn’t considered how they might need to let her into theirs.
What was Dan thinking, sitting there alone in the dark?
Why hadn’t she considered how she might help him with his struggles, rather than simply accepting the help he so freely and generously gave to her?
And why had she shut it all down? Simply out of fear? Playing it safe, like Henrietta Starr had said? Was that really how she wanted to live?
Taking a deep breath, Zoe started walking across the yard.