Chapter 29
Zoe walked through the next three days in a daze of misery.
She was on autopilot, being her old, snappy self—taking care of her parents, running the store, chatting to friends, but inside she was a seething mess of doubt and guilt.
How could she have been so stupid, so scared?
She’d known what Dan had needed, and somehow, within the tight grip of her own anxiety and fear, she’d convinced herself it was something else.
That it was the right thing to walk away, that it was better for them both, that it made sense.
And when she’d been saying the words, it had.
It wasn’t until Dan had told her it was over that she’d suddenly realized, like a lightning bolt to the heart, just how awful and cowardly she’d been.
How scared, but also how selfish. Dan had been right; that wasn’t what a real relationship was.
A real relationship wasn’t about keeping yourself safe and making sure you, and only you, never got hurt.
The more Zoe thought about it, the worse she felt.
She’d been selfish, and somehow she’d convinced herself she’d been acting in a noble fashion, putting Dan’s needs above herself.
It was deeply shaming, not just because of Dan, but because she’d realized it was a pattern she’d had for a while.
Hadn’t she done the same things with her parents, convincing herself she was keeping them healthy when actually she’d just been making her life easier?
At least her parents were living life to the full now, even if she wasn’t. Her dad had applied to tutor online, and two days after Dan’s detonation, he asked Zoe to take him to the boardgame café because he’d told Maggie he would offer a chess tutorial on Tuesday nights.
“What about Mom…” Zoe began, halfheartedly, only to have her mom insist, “I’m coming, too. I’m going to play Scrabble with Henrietta Starr.”
Okay, what was happening? Everyone, her parents included, was living their best lives. Everyone but her.
“Okay, sure,” Zoe said, throwing up her hands. “Why not?”
As they headed over to the café after dinner, she couldn’t keep from glancing at Dan’s darkened house.
It was the eighth of July, the day Lindsay was meant to head back to Dubai—with Sophie.
Zoe had no idea what had happened between them all; she hadn’t seen either Dan or Sophie since she’d walked, heartbroken, out of their house, and she’d fobbed everyone off who’d asked, saying she was “giving them a little space.” It sounded so pat. It felt like agony.
She’d thought about going over there, abject and repentant, but every time she was about to work up the courage, she thought of the hardness in Dan’s face when he’d told her, “It’s over, Zoe, and I’m the one ending it.”
He’d sounded pretty sure, and she definitely didn’t want to get rejected all over again, but…
she didn’t want it to end the way it had, either.
She’d at least like to explain that she was sorry, and she’d realized how stupid she’d been.
But would that be for her sake or Dan’s, Zoe wondered.
Because what she really didn’t want to do was convince herself she was doing something for Dan’s sake when really it was for her own.
It was time to break that pattern, at least.
The boardgame café was crowded as Zoe came in with her parents, having driven the short distance from her house to the middle of Main Street and parking in front. She helped settle her mom on the sofa with a Scrabble board while her dad started playing chess with Maggie’s son Ben.
“This is great,” Maggie told her as Zoe went to the counter to order a cappuccino for herself and an herbal tea for her mother. “Ben’s been dying to play chess with someone who actually knows the game. I don’t.”
“I’m glad my dad is able to get out,” Zoe replied. “I think it will be good for him.”
“Any news about Sophie?” Maggie asked, lowering her voice. “I haven’t seen either her or Dan around…”
“Neither have I,” Zoe admitted. Alone with Maggie, she decided she should be more honest. The news was going to get out, anyway. “I spoke to Dan two days ago and… it didn’t go well. My fault, mainly, but… I don’t think we’re together anymore.”
“What?” Maggie’s mouth dropped open. “You don’t think?”
“Well, I mean we’re not,” Zoe clarified, trying not to sound too abject. “Dan made that pretty clear.”
“Dan broke up with you?” Maggie sounded incredulous, and she was raising her voice, which made Zoe regret being as honest as she had.
“That’s the gist of it, yes,” she said hurriedly. “But you know, it had been early days anyway, so…”
“Zoe.” Maggie leaned forward, thankfully dropping her voice to a meaningful hiss. “I know I haven’t gotten to know him very well, but Dan seemed like he was crazy about you. What happened?”
Zoe looked down at the counter, tracing a scratch in it with her fingernail. “I… disappointed him, I guess.”
“People disappoint each other every day,” Maggie replied robustly. “One blip doesn’t mean a breakup. Why don’t you talk to him?”
“I haven’t seen him,” Zoe replied. “And… he was pretty certain.”
Maggie frowned. “And how did you disappoint him?”
Zoe swallowed hard. “I was scared,” she whispered. “And I let that… guide me.” She couldn’t bear to say more than that.
“Well, we’re all scared, Zoe,” Maggie replied. “I think Dan needs a talking-to, and—”
“Please don’t interfere,” Zoe begged. “If anyone talks to him, it should be me.” If she could work up the courage to get rejected a second time.
“Okay.” Maggie smiled at her, her face full of concern. “I won’t interfere. But I really hope you two sort this out.”
Zoe wished it were that simple—the kind of misunderstanding a simple conversation could fix.
Unfortunately, she felt it went a lot deeper than that, to the core of who both she and Dan were, shaped by their experiences and guided by their fears.
You could like someone, maybe even love someone, and still not be what they needed.
Maggie handed her the cappuccino and tea, and with a murmured thanks, Zoe went to join her mother on the sofa. Her dad was deep in a chess game, and her mother was waiting for Henrietta to show up so they could play Scrabble.
“Here you go, Mom,” Zoe said, guiding the mug into her mother’s hands. “Ready to play? I’m sure Henrietta will be here soon.”
“Thanks, honey.” Her mother gave her a warm smile and Zoe sat back on the sofa and let her gaze rove around the room as she reminded herself of all the good and even wonderful things in her life that she had to be thankful for—family, friends, a community to support her, a thriving business. Really, she didn’t need anything else.
She didn’t need Dan Bryson… even if she was wondering if Maggie was right, and they should have another conversation.
Just then, Henrietta came into the café, as regal as ever, walking with her cane.
She caught sight of Zoe’s mother and smiled, and then her gaze moved to Zoe herself and her eyes narrowed.
Uh-oh. Was she in Henrietta Starr’s bad books because of what had happened between her and Dan? He was Henrietta’s grandson, after all.
“Good evening,” Henrietta greeted them both as she gingerly sat down in the chair opposite her mother. She glanced at Zoe again. “Are you joining us?”
“Oh… no,” Zoe said quickly. “I’m pretty hopeless at Scrabble.”
“I think you’ll find that does not preclude you from playing the game.”
Zoe couldn’t help but laugh at that; there was a life lesson in that, surely. “All right,” she told Henrietta. “If you can deal with my ineptitude, I guess I can play.”
They started reaching for tiles and arranging them on their stands.
“Miss Starr,” Zoe asked suddenly, “do you remember when you said you could want and not want something at the same time?”
Her mother’s forehead wrinkled in confusion as Henrietta subjected her to another narrowed gaze. “Of course I remember. As I told my grandson, I haven’t lost all my marbles yet. In fact, I am still in possession of most of them.”
“What do you do,” Zoe persisted, “when you’ve acted like you didn’t want it, and then you realize that you really did?”
Henrietta pursed her lips. “Does this have anything to do with Daniel?” she asked, and Zoe blushed.
“Maybe,” she said before admitting, “Yes.”
“Well…” Very carefully Henrietta placed another tile on her stand.
“Then you either learn to live with regret, or you try again. I find them both equally difficult, but only one of those has a potentially positive outcome, wouldn’t you agree?
” She gave her a pointed look. “Now, I drew a B from the bag, so I believe it’s my turn to go first.”
* * *
With her parents settled for the night, Zoe having been trounced by her mother in Scrabble—Henrietta’s score was, somewhat surprisingly, closer to her own—and her dad playing several epic games of chess with Ben and his friends, she stepped outside and once again looked across at the house next door.
The windows were dark, but that didn’t mean Dan wasn’t inside.
It was only nine o’clock; she could go over there, knock on the door, and say… what?
I’m sorry, I was scared, I should have been better than that.
Inwardly, Zoe cringed. She’d said all that before and it hadn’t made a difference.
Why did she think it would now? And maybe Dan wasn’t over there.
Maybe he was halfway to Dubai; she had no idea what had been the end result of Lindsay’s visit.
Maybe he had bigger things to worry about than what a woman, who he’d dated for all of a week, was thinking.
With a sigh, Zoe turned back inside.
* * *
“You’re here!” With a dripping ice cream scoop in one hand, Zoe stared in surprise at Sophie standing in the doorway of The Latest Scoop.
“Where did you think I’d be?” Sophie asked as she came into the store and Zoe finished scooping mint madness into a cone.
She then finished the transaction before wiping her hands and turning to Sophie, who was standing by the magnets.
It reminded Zoe, poignantly, how she’d seen her there, back in the beginning of June. A lot of life had happened since then.
“Well, I thought you might be in Dubai,” she admitted. “You didn’t go?” Sophie shook her head. “How do you feel about that?” Zoe asked cautiously. The last time she’d seen Sophie, she’d seemed pretty mad at her, so she wasn’t entirely sure how to handle this conversation.
“It was my decision.”
“It was?” That, she thought with a pang, must have been gratifying for Dan.
Sophie nodded. “I started thinking about it, and I realized that my mom is all talk, you know? She tells me how great something is going to be and then it’s actually not that great.
Like, when I lived with her in New York.
We had this amazing apartment and we were going to go shopping and see shows and blah, blah, blah, but…
really, she just worked all the time and it was all kind of boring and lonely.
I didn’t want to have that, but in Dubai. ”
“Makes sense,” Zoe said quietly. “How did your mom take it?”
“She wasn’t heartbroken, let’s just put it that way,” Sophie replied dryly. “I think she wants to mean what she says, but she just… doesn’t.”
“I’m sorry.” It had to be hard, to realize your mother couldn’t be the mom you needed her to be. Maggie was right, people disappointed people every day. Maybe, one day, there would be a turnaround for Lindsay.
“And, well…” Sophie bit her lip. “I also realized I kind of like my life here. I mean, at least it doesn’t suck.”
“High praise,” Zoe replied with a wry smile.
“Yeah, well… I’m sorry I was kind of mean to you before.” Sophie ducked her head. “I had a lot of stuff happening, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“It’s okay, Sophie. Trust me, I understand having a lot of stuff going on.”
“My dad said you guys aren’t dating anymore,” Sophie said abruptly, and Zoe tried not to flinch at that blunt statement.
“No,” she agreed on a sigh. “It seems that we’re not.”
“He’s really grumpy about it,” Sophie told her.
“Is he?” The tiniest flicker of hope flared in her heart. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that.” She didn’t know what else she could say without revealing more personal information to Dan’s daughter than she wanted to.
“Yeah, me too,” Sophie replied, sounding grumpy herself. “You didn’t… you didn’t stop dating because of me, did you?” She glanced up at Zoe with far too much uncertainty in her eyes.
“No, Sophie,” Zoe told her gently. “We didn’t. It was about us, and whether we can be what the other person needs.” She felt her throat go tight. “Sometimes you can like a person, and you still can’t be enough for them.”
Sophie gave a snort of disgust. “Is that what my dad told you?”
“No,” Zoe admitted, “it’s… it’s just the conclusion I came to.”
“Well, it’s stupid,” Sophie told her. “Nobody is enough for anybody. I mean, that whole ‘You complete me’ vibe? So stupid.” She shook her head while Zoe smothered a laugh.
“You’re sounding very wise for someone so young,” she told her teasingly. “Where did you learn this stuff?”
“From my dad,” Sophie told her seriously. She frowned. “So maybe he needs to take his own advice.”