Chapter Thirteen
Summer
Cocooned in the warm duvet, I struggle to open my eyes. A rich earthy aroma of coffee fills the room and I roll over to snuggle into Bhodi. When my eyes land on the empty space, I immediately sit bolt upright and I’m met with his broad back as he sits on the edge of the bed, lost in thought. Crawling over, I throw my arms around his neck, causing him to tense slightly. Kissing the back of his neck, I lean close and whisper.
“I’ve missed you.”
I allow my lips to run along his jaw.
“Do you want some coffee?”
He half turns his head in my direction.
“No.”
I smile. “I want you.”
My nails begin to run down his chest, towards his abs. I feel the thrill begin to rush through me, but it’s abruptly stopped when I feel his hand close over mine and pull me away. Rising from the bed, Bhodi turns to me, a forced close-lipped smile stitched onto his face, one that doesn’t meet his eyes.
“I’m gonna grab a coffee, sure you don’t want one?”
I sink onto my knees; an embarrassed blush slithers up my neck and I feel myself unable to look his way.
“No, I’m fine, thanks,”
I mutter and shake my head.
He turns away, a pair of black shorts hanging off his hips. His back flexes as he runs his hands through his hair. I hear him let out a huff and I know it’s because of me.
He really can’t look at me.
I shouldn’t be surprised; it’s why I never told a soul. It’s why I didn’t want or need the looks of pity, sadness and disgust that I knew would flock towards me if anyone knew. The nightmares only started recently, but I put it down to the stress of …well …everything. I know it came from Pamela, and part of me knows she was doing what she thought was right and telling Bhodi, but I wish she hadn’t. He now looks at me like damaged goods. In a short period I’ve seen his eyes swirl with desire towards me, to now being unable to let me touch him.
I wrap my arms around myself, trying to protect myself from my own mind taunting me. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to push it away, stuff it down into a box and snap the lid shut, locking it away and pushing it to the depths of my mind. Taking a deep breath, I slowly open my eyes, but the room seems to now have a tinge of grey in it. It looks dirty, I feel dirty and disgusting, unwanted and the feeling is because I have no one to blame but myself.
I should have left after it happened, but it’s so hard when you’re trapped in a dark box with no light…It’s hard to imagine life outside of it. For days…weeks after I feared the questions more than anything, having to tell someone and then relive it and what my reaction would be if I wasn’t believed. It sounds so fucking pathetic now, but the fear of being called a liar and being alone felt worse than staying and trying to pretend it didn’t happen.
Sliding off the bed, I trudge into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Stripping off my shorts and baggy sweatshirt, I catch sight of the healing wounds all over my body. Looking into the mirror, I try to force a closed-mouth lop-sided smile. The wounds are healing slowly. The cuts and grazes are beginning to itch more and more, the bruises are slowly disappearing but at least there’s no permanent damage…not physical anyway.
Tying my hair up into a loose bun, I turn the tap for the shower and watch as the water hits the tray. Running my hand underneath it, I finally lose myself in the warm water whilst it hits my skin, allowing a few tears to fall before I need to face reality again. My tight muscles begin to loosen, and I begin to feel more awake.
Bhodi’s statement still sits on the edge of my hearing.
“I’ll answer your questions tomorrow.”
Finally shutting off the water, I reach for the towel and wrap it tightly around myself, as though it’s a blanket of protection, keeping me safe. Drying myself off, throwing my sweater back on and brushing my teeth feels like the only things I’ve managed to do these past couple days.
Rob told Pamela that I had fainted, so she made sure to check on me every couple hours, making sure I was eating and drinking. I know they’re both here somewhere in this hotel, but I haven’t been able to see them. Jimmy made it very clear to keep us apart for now. I understand that he doesn’t know them, but they helped me, and they didn’t have to. Probably putting themselves into danger.
Stepping back into the room, Bhodi sits by the window holding a mug in his hands, just staring down at it, as the steam rises. When he hears me approach, he briefly glances my way before looking back to the coffee.
“Yours is on the side, thought you might want one,”
he mumbles.
“Thanks.”
Reaching for the cup, I sit myself on the edge of the bed, facing into the living space. Wrapping my hands tight around the mug, I raise the cup to my lips and take a gentle sip. Letting out a small sigh, I feel my shoulders relax slightly but the silence in the room is harsh and crushing. Neither knows what to say to the other.
“Why did you hide behind the mask?”
I turn to Bhodi and watch as his body tenses under my abrupt question.
His eyes roam the carpet in front of him. I watch and wait with bated breath for his answer, and I know he has to give me one, he promised.
“Because you wouldn’t know it’s me. I’d be a faceless person who came into your life briefly and would eventually leave.”
“You were going to leave me?”
He lets out a small laugh, his eyes finally meet mine and he places the mug next to him.
“I was…I knew when we kissed that we’d crossed a line. I wanted more…so much more. But I couldn’t, not with everything going on. I killed Alex for you, because of you. I wanted him to suffer and feel the pain of his actions and how I’d never tolerate it from anyone. You and I in the shower that night, was everything to me. You gave me the safety and love I’d never felt before.”
A chill sweeps through the room but a white-hot spark rushes up my spine. I clutch the mug tighter, trying to keep myself warm. Bhodi leans forward, placing his elbows onto his bare thighs, his eyes now holding an intensity that I can’t ignore.
“I wasn’t lying when I said I knew nothing about you,”
he continues. “When I stepped into the crime scene and saw your photo, I couldn’t believe what was happening. Michael being murdered…and seeing you for the first time. As soon as I saw your photo, I needed to see you in person, so the mask seemed the obvious choice. I could come and go as I pleased; you didn’t know what was lurking under it.”
“But you wanted me to leave?”
“For a while, I did. You were an intense distraction. If I wasn’t near you, I was watching your every move. I knew the obsession was becoming too much and I was getting close to getting caught out. I wanted you to leave so the obsession would stop, but I knew it wouldn’t, I would have followed you wherever you went. Watch over you, protect you, make you realise I was never going to leave you alone; I’d always be there in the shadows.”
I swallow hard, the goosebumps rising all over my skin.
“How did you know I was at the church?”
“Father Dudley called when he saw you. He was concerned when he saw you and Eric talking and he recognised him from the funeral with Luca.”
“How do you know him?”
I ask curiously, they didn’t appear to even interact at the funeral.
“We…helped him a few years ago. He had a battle with his conscience and faith.”
That’s all Bhodi gives me, but it leaves a sinister feeling surrounding us.
“And is Harry really gone?”
The adrenaline begins to pump through me, even just the mention of his name leaves me feeling sick.
“He was killed in custody the night he was arrested, but I don’t know who by or why at the moment.”
I swallow hard, nodding in response, a light-headedness falling over me, feeling free for the first time. But a look in Bhodi’s eyes doesn’t give me the full story, something at the back of my mind is bothering me.
“Why… ‘Two/Face’?”
“Because I am…I’m two people. Two very fucked-up people. One side of me is a NYPD detective, who lives a lonely life. The other is a cold-blooded murderer who takes great delight in ripping evil lives from this world.”
He shrugs. “I’m a dichotomy, baby. What can I say?”
“Why though?”
“Because it’s easy. I know what I am, well I thought I did…I always thought my life would be cut short by my own actions one day…Until I met you.”
I feel the tears begin to prick the back of my eyes, a thick knot forming in my throat whilst I take in those words. Swallowing it down, I try to engage my mind to work. I can feel all the questions backing up, waiting in line for me to ask them, but right now it’s overwhelming.
“What made you do all this?”
I ask, trying to fight back the tears.
Bhodi’s face falls for a moment, his downcast eyes moving to the carpet. Rising from the seat, he stalks towards me, before dropping to his knees and gently resting his palms on my knees. A deep sadness crosses his face when he looks to me, and he swallows hard.
“Are you sure you want me to answer that question?”
My breath catches in my throat, the severity of his question crushing any air in the room. When my fingers lace with his, his eyes widen momentarily, almost shocked, but I nod.
“Yes please.”
A sharp knock at the door pulls us apart, my heart rate immediately picks up and the heavy weight falls into my gut. I feel myself pull away, as Bhodi lets out a huff and bows his head for a moment. Rolling his eyes, he rises to his feet and moves from the bedroom. I crane my neck towards the door, eventually standing in the doorway to hear the hushed conversation.
“How the fuck did that happen?”
I hear Bhodi spit out.
“It’s what he fucking told me, I have no fucking idea how anyone can miss that,”
an unfamiliar voice replies, equally as angry.
I hear footsteps thunder towards the bedroom. I throw myself back onto the edge of the bed but when Bhodi storms in, the venom in his eyes is undeniable. He holds my gaze for a split second before reaching for his clothes and throwing them back on. He steps in front of me and I feel myself shrink slightly. Reaching for my chin, holding it between his thumb and forefinger he pulls my focus to him, a sadness lingering for a moment before he gently presses his lips to my forehead.
“I need to go. Stay here, OK?”
Before I can ask why or say anything else, he takes off, the door, seconds later, slamming shut behind him as the silence resumes. My head immediately falls into my hands, the entire hotel beginning to feel like my own personal prison rather than a safe haven.