39. EMERSON
39
EMERSON
Now
Fidgeting for my apartment keys, my hand trembles as I open the door. I miraculously get to my room and lay myself down on my bed. I stare up at the ceiling and scream in the pillow I hold to my face.
“Why?!” I scream the word over and over.
Why did he say what he did?
Why do we hurt each other?
Why did I leave?
Why can’t I return to that night?
Why has it taken us this long?
My phone is buzzing in my purse.
I grab it from the interior pocket. Chloe is calling me again. I’ve already sent it to voicemail five times.
She tried to get me to talk in the hallway before we returned to the table, repeatedly asking me to tell her what was happening. I told her it wasn’t the right time. She huffed at me, annoyed, and walked back to the table.
Chloe texts me now.
Chloe: Are you okay?
Yes.
Chloe: Liar.
Chloe: Whatever that was, you aren’t okay.
I don’t know how to be.
Chloe: Talk to me.
I’m going to bed.
Chloe: Coffee tomorrow morning.
7:30 @ Lucky’s work?
Chloe: See you there.
My phone buzzes again. It’s probably Natalie or Cal checking in on me. Probably Cal. I’m surprised, annoyed, or maybe relieved when I see Liam’s name on the screen.
Liam: Headache gone?
Hasn’t left in weeks.
Probably won’t go away for a while.
Liam: Can I help?
Are you kidding?
Liam: Can we talk about what happened?
No.
Liam: Please.
There isn’t an amount of time that could change how I feel about Liam Hayes. Fated mates. An invisible string. I don’t know what it is, but something is connecting us forever.
That first summer we spent together, he changed something in me. He showed me how to be the version of myself I wanted to be. He made me believe, for once, that I was enough.
Till I wasn’t, we weren’t.
In all my hurt and healing, how he felt didn’t once cross my mind. Selfishly, I’ve been thinking about myself.
After we left that day in London, I thought he was fine. You had to be, to pack someone’s bags. Then, a year later, he was with someone else, and I was still heartbrokenly his.
It hit me tonight that he was just as broken afterward, that I hurt him as much as he hurt me. It wasn’t only me who thought everything was falling apart and was consumed by the emptiness left in the wake of each other.
And now I have the chance to have it all back.
But at what cost?
My friendship? A friendship that is decades old.
Trade the missing piece of my heart with Natalie’s?
I don’t care what anyone says. They might not be dating, but I know Natalie likes Liam.
What kind of friend would I be if I put her through what I spent years getting over? I have to pick her. I have to come clean to her.
** *
There is a knock on my apartment door at seven.
“This is for you,” Chloe says, handing me a black coffee and breezing by me into my apartment when I open the door. Tucker, her golden retriever, follows behind her.
“Thanks, Chlo. Why are you here? I thought we were meeting at Lucky’s?”
“Changed my mind. I didn’t want you to not show. Come sit.” She pats the couch next to her.
“About what you saw last night. Did you tell Natalie?” I ask her as I walk over, sit down, and curl my bare legs under me. Tucker curls up on my dog bed for him in the corner.
“Do you think I want a death warrant out for the two of us?” She snorts.
“It’s not what you are thinking.”
She gives me an all-knowing scowl. I’m not escaping anything today.
“Are you sure? Because, to me, the guy Natalie likes had you cornered in the dark bathroom hallway, about ready to pounce. The look in your eyes? You wanted him too.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“So you don’t deny it?”
“Liam isn’t only Natalie’s whatever,” I pause. “Liam is London—”
“Finally, you admit it!”
Taking a deep breath, I say, “Yeah.”
Chloe spits her coffee out. I can tell by the look on her face that she’s trying her best not to judge me or make me feel guilty about everything.
“Does Natalie know?” She asks quickly.
“Obviously not. . . or at least I’m not sure how she would know. She knows the exact amount of information as you do, which is minimal. Plus, Liam and I haven’t said anything. ”
“Except you know every inch of each other.” Chloe raises an eyebrow, giving me a knowing look. “Em, is he the guy from the bathroom you texted me about when you were in London?”
My cheeks go flush, then heat, turning pink, I know.
“Wow, okay, Liam!” Chloe smacks her lips.
“Don’t remind me.” My cheeks blush even more, thinking how history almost—like I wish almost—repeated itself last night. I rest my hand on my forehead. “He’s really good at it.”
“Or you just taste great.” We burst out in laughter. “Why haven’t you said anything to Natalie?”
“Look at her, Chloe. She’s happy. When was the last time we saw her smiling and laughing like that about anyone? I can tell she cares for him. I couldn’t ruin that.” I release the breath I was holding as I said all that. “Liam and I had our shot, and it didn’t work out. It’s their time now, and I shouldn’t be the one to get in the way.”
Her face goes sour. It’s the expression she gets when she knows a secret, more like anything that you don’t know and wants to tell you but can’t. It’s why we never tell her about surprise parties. I tried to throw one for Natalie last year for her birthday and decided to recruit Chloe for help. Spilled the beans to Natalie a week beforehand at brunch after Natalie brought up her birthday. Chloe made the face, and then Natalie dragged it out of her in a matter of moments.
“You know something. Spill,” I demand of her.
“What if it’s going to change everything you are thinking and potentially feeling and could monumentally shake everything up? On the earthquake scale, it would be a five. Do you still want to know?”
“And you think having Liam waltz back into my life didn’t already do that?”
“It’s about him.” Chloe bites her lip.
I’m intrigued now. I find myself leaning in closer to Chloe even though I can hear her perfectly from where I’m sitting.
“I don’t think they are together anymore,” she says slowly .
“Think or know?” There is a difference.
“Think. I overheard Liam talking to Cal last night when I was leaving. He was telling him that he was calling off what was happening between Natalie and him. That there’s unfinished business he needs to tend to.”
“He’s ending it?” I ask, playing dumb.
“Don’t quote me on it, but that’s how it sounded.” She takes a sip of her coffee. “I’m assuming the unfinished business is you.”
Do people still change their relationship status on Facebook? If they do, mine should read Emerson Clarke is in an unfinished business relationship with Liam Hayes. Not ‘it’s complicated’. Not even ‘in a relationship’ because we weren’t ever really in one either by standard definitions.
“I think unfinished business is the type of Band-Aid I’ve been using.”
“Are you saying he’s a bullet hole?” She rolls her eyes. Chloe hates it when Natalie and I use Taylor Swift lyrics as facts of life.
“He’s more than that. He’s—” How do I put this into words to her? Are there even words that summarize who Liam is to me? Do I even know what he is to me anymore? “Everything to me. I think he’s the only love of my life.”
“Then why haven’t you been upfront with Natalie?”
I burst out in laughter, picking up my mug and trying to drink the coffee to stifle the laughter.
“What’s funny about what I asked?”
“It’s all ironic. Do you know what it’s like to really be Natalie’s friend?”
“Yes?”
“Now? Yes. Your entire life? No.” I shake my head. “Growing up, Natalie was the girl every boy wanted. I became the bonus, the addition that she’d drag along to dances or on movie dates. It annoyed a lot of the boys she dated, but she didn’t care. Finally, in our senior year of high school, I liked someone, and he seemed to like me back. He often asked about Natalie, and I thought he was simply interested in getting to know my friend. I was wrong. He liked Natalie and was using me to get to her. Happened again freshman year of college, furthering my fear of never being enough. I dated around, but I held onto those instances in the back of my mind. That sliver of hurt was there but was easy to push aside because I was never interested in anything more with those guys. . . until Liam. It wasn’t right away with him, but over time something clicked. Every limb, vein, hair—every part of me felt alive. He noticed me, wanted me, and made me feel as if I was enough for him. When I returned home, I didn’t want to tell her about him because she was being a bitch. Also, for fear that she’d figure out a way to go after him, even though he was in London. Call it post-traumatic ex-boyfriend disorder. It probably would have stopped this from happening if I had told her about him.”
“Probably.” She reaches out to hold my hand. “I’m sorry you felt that way. That you felt the need to keep this big part of your life from her and, ultimately, me too.”
“When you say it like that, it sounds even more stupid.”
“It’s not. I can’t believe that’s him. Well, actually, I can. I put the pieces together the night we watched Love Island at Natalie’s. Now that I know it is, I gotta say it. . . he’s HOT.” Chloe fans herself off.
“Trust me, I know. Liam looks even better now than he did three years ago.”
“You never disclosed why you two split. Will you tell me now?”
I spent the next twenty minutes filling in all the gaps from what I had told her previously. It was my own twisted version of Mad Libs.
What did my friends know? I met someone in Lisbon and became best friends, went on a couple of summer vacations together, fell for him, and it ended. What they didn’t know? His name. Oh, and I never showed them a picture. Neither of us ever posted anything on social media .
You know the saying it’s not you, it’s me? I’m starting to believe that it’s me, not them, and I can’t keep tying these emotions and blame to Liam and Natalie.
“What are you going to do about it now?”
“Nothing. There isn’t anything I can do.”
“You’re joking, right? You can’t do nothing. If he’s calling it with Natalie, this is your chance, Em. Second chances don’t come around often.”
“Before you walked up, Liam said he’d call it off with Natalie if I could admit to him how I feel.”
“And. . . ?” She’s looking at me dumbfounded.
“I think it’s pretty obvious how I feel.”
“Obvious doesn’t cut it. You need to say it. How. Do. You. Feel?” Chloe asks, cutting through all of my bullshit.
“I-” I swallow. “I still love Liam. He’s the love of my life. We could have had it all, easily. Those three years without him, I felt more alone than I did as a child. Being around him again is resurfacing all of those emotions I buried deep inside me. I can’t decide if how I feel is what everyone else feels when they’re in love or if what Liam makes me feel is unique. A type of love so intense that I think it’s the very substance that makes up my bones and pumps through my veins. But he’s been, is with Natalie. . . I don’t know, ugh. I’m not going to hurt her by admitting how I feel. Him bouncing from her to me?”
Chloe sighs. “He’s about to be the greatest loss of your life if you don’t tell him.”