Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
FOREIGNER, “IT FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME”
By nine thirty, everyone had left the party, and Matt and I were on our way to our usual spot to try it again.
He moved the bench seat back as far as it would go so we could lie across it with our heads on the driver’s side.
“Let’s just kiss for a while,” I suggested as he shrugged off his shirt and unbuttoned his jeans before climbing on top of me.
“You don’t want to—” he started to speak.
“No. I do. I just think we were in a hurry last time. And we’re not as rushed now, so …”
He grinned, and I was reminded of just how handsome my boyfriend was. There were many reasons I fell in love with Matt, but his sexy yet boyish smile was at the top of that list. “Okay,” he whispered before kissing me.
It was nice. He had minty breath from the Tic Tacs we shared on the way there. I let him settle between my spread legs, but my dress was still on. His erection pressed between my legs. It was a little uncomfortable because we still had on our underwear, and his zipper was scraping against my skin.
Still, I felt aroused.
Aroused because I’d been thinking about sex—a lot.
Aroused because I liked kissing Matt.
Aroused because I thought of Isaac’s body pressed to mine while he helped me play the guitar.
Aroused from his compliment, even if he wasn’t serious.
“You look pretty. That dress makes the blue in your eyes pop. You have great eyes. Does Matty tell you that? They’re really stunning.”
And I couldn’t get the image out of my head of Isaac smirking after telling me he said Matt should give me an orgasm first.
“I love you,” Matt murmured, kissing his way down my neck.
“I love you too,” I whispered to the only boy I had ever loved.
It might not have been the way my father or God wanted me to lose my virginity, but it was love (of sorts), and that’s all that mattered to me.
“Tell me if you want to stop,” Matt said, palming my breast over my dress while he continued to pump his pelvis against mine.
“Don’t stop,” I whispered, closing my eyes and lifting my eager hips while my heels dug into the seat. I wanted to be a real woman more than anything.
I wanted to feel the desire and emotion conveyed in my favorite song lyrics.
He kneeled with one knee between my legs and the other barely on the edge of the seat while pushing his pants and briefs midway down his legs and rolling on a condom.
This was it. I was on the verge of giving my virginity to Matt Cory. And while I wasn’t sure any man “deserved” a woman’s innocence, Matt was certainly worthy of it. Giving my virginity to my first love felt special, wrong , but special.
He slid off my underwear and set them on the dash while I gathered my dress in my hands. I wanted to watch the way I always gawked when a nurse took my blood, gave me a shot, or the time I got stitches in my knee after falling out of a tree at Heather’s house.
Heather …
Was she still with Isaac? What were they doing? Was he having sex with her?
Matt teased his finger between my spread legs.
I bit my bottom lip because it felt different, not what I expected.
“Do you like that?” he asked.
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure if I did or didn’t like it. I wanted him to touch me a little higher, where I liked to touch myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him or show him.
“Does that feel good?”
It hit me; he thought he was giving me an orgasm like Isaac had told him to do.
Again, I nodded, and I wanted to shift my hips so he’d hit the spot that might have actually led to an orgasm, but first-time jitters paralyzed me. So, instead, I closed my eyes and breathed heavier and faster like I did when I touched myself. But it was difficult because I wasn’t feeling anything spectacular.
“Yes,” I whispered.
Matt’s hand disappeared, and my eyes opened just as he guided the head of his erection to my entrance. He pressed inside of me, and it felt like everything in my body tightened up to prevent the invasion, despite telling myself to relax.
In return, Matt’s face twisted with intensity as he leaned forward with his hands on either side of my head and pushed into me a little more.
It hurt.
I knew that it would, but I thought he’d slide in a little easier, and the pain would be all mine. However, the look on his face resembled the grimace I got when I put on a new pair of pantyhose that hadn’t been stretched out yet.
“Does it hurt?” Matt asked.
I shook my head, holding my breath.
He pushed a little more, and I hissed.
“Sarah”—he frowned—“I’ll stop.”
“No! Just …” I swallowed hard. “Move a little.”
“Are you sure?” Sweat beaded along his brow like it was killing him, but it might have been our body heat in close quarters.
I nodded quickly.
He moved in tiny increments. I’m not sure he had even half of his erection inside of me. But it was plenty.
“Yes,” I said, and that seemed to make him move a little faster and a little deeper, but not too deep. “Yes, yes …” I continued to chant because I was certain that’s what women said in the throes of passion.
“Oh God, Sarah …” Matt’s harsh breaths quickened as the tiny motions of his hips became more erratic.
And then, it was over.
More than half the girls in our graduating class would have killed to have Matt Cory’s penis inside of them. But I was the lucky recipient, and I hated it.
I. Hated. Sex.
How was I supposed to write love songs, sexy love songs, if I hated sex?
Why was the clitoris so far away from the entrance for the penis?
Nothing made sense. There were nearly five billion people on the planet. That meant billions of couples did it. But why?
“I love you.” He kissed me between breaths. “I’m never going to forget you.” He deposited kisses all over my face.
It was sweet. I loved him too.
I loved holding his hand.
I loved kissing him.
I even loved the feel of his erection pressed between my legs with our underwear still on.
But I did not love sex.
However, I needed to hear him say that he would never forget me. That meant that he knew it was just sex. We were breaking up. He would go to Michigan (never forgetting me), and I would go to Nashville.
“This meant everything to me,” he declared with urgency as he continued to kiss me while holding himself up on his forearms. His condom-covered, deflated penis brushed my inner thigh, and the end of it felt warm and squishy. “Maybe fate will bring us back together someday.” He smirked as if his performance ruined me for any other man, so my only choice would be to marry him.
Marriage meant family.
Family meant sex.
Nope. I was not marrying him or anyone .
Matt opened the door and sat on the edge of the seat with his back to me while he removed the condom. I reached for my underwear and slipped them back on before hugging my knees to my chest.
I couldn’t believe it. I knew the first time wouldn’t be Disneyland, but I at least expected Six Flags. Instead, I got a cheap, small-town carnival where the ride broke, and I was stuck upside down for twenty minutes.
Matt lasted more like five, but who was I to point fingers?
Maybe it was God. What if wedding night sex was better? Perhaps God only allowed it to be good after marriage. But could I risk marrying Matt and it not be any better? Was I a sinner doomed to bad sex for eternity?
“I’m starving,” Matt said, pulling his shirt over his head as he stood with the door open. “You don’t have to be home for another hour. Do you want to go to McDonalds? I could use a burger and fries, but if you’re not hungry, you could just get a Coke or an ice cream cone.”
I sat up, fixed my dress, and pulled on my boots. “Uh, sure.”
“Everything okay?”
“Fine. Great. Yeah.” I smiled with a brave inhale.
Matt nodded before closing my door and jogging around the front of his car to hop into his seat. When he put it in Reverse , he reached for my leg, giving it a squeeze. “I can’t believe we finally did it. We’re … having sex.” He grinned triumphantly and shoved it into Drive. “It’s going to make going our separate ways at the end of summer that much harder.”
Agree to disagree.
As if my night couldn’t get any worse, Isaac’s truck was at McDonald’s when we pulled into the parking lot .
“The movie must have been sold out,” Matt said. After we parked, he ran around to open my door—post-coital chivalry. He looked so handsome and proud. At least one of us was glowing.
“Thanks.” I played the part with a big smile.
We held hands on the way inside the restaurant, and Heather immediately saw us and waved. Isaac’s back was to us, but he turned and eyed me quickly before smirking at Matt like they had a secret.
“Uh, I need to use the bathroom,” I murmured just as Matt started to lead me toward the counter to order.
“What do you want me to order for you?”
“Ice cream is fine,” I said, letting go of his hand and hurrying to the bathroom, where I sat on the toilet and peed. When I wiped, there was no blood and none on my underwear like Heather said she had after her first time.
As soon as I opened the stall door to wash my hands, Heather was in my face, grabbing my shoulders. “Did you do it? Tell me everything. Oh my god, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were thinking of doing it. Was it good? Did he go down on you? Tell me!”
I lowered my head to make sure there wasn’t anyone in the other stall. Thankfully, there wasn’t.
Pulling away from her hold on me, I washed my hands, feeling her gaze at my reflection in the mirror. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Of course,” she said while I dried my hands and turned toward her.
I wrinkled my nose and whispered, “I hated it.”
Heather’s smile fell off her face, leaving a blank expression in its place. She blinked several times. “W-what do you mean? Like … sure, it hurt a little. But hate is a strong word. Di d you …” She widened her eyes and slanted her head in a game of charades.
Orgasm.
Maintaining my grimace, I slowly shook my head.
“I mean, did he try to …” Again, she let me fill in the blank.
I kept shaking my head.
“Did you tell him?”
“No!” I whisper-yelled, running my hands through my hair. “I faked it, and he was so happy, telling me how much he loved me and that we could end up getting married after all. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.”
Heather’s face mirrored mine—totally cringed. “Dude, it couldn’t have been that bad. I mean, how do you withstand wearing a tampon or Matt putting his finger in you?”
I averted my gaze and swallowed.
“Oh. My. God. Sarah, look at me!”
I forced myself to look at her.
“Matt hasn’t fingered you?”
Biting my lower lip, I shook my head. Why did she ask me that? Had he ever fingered me, I would have told her. We told each other everything—almost everything.
“But you wear tampons, right?”
Again, I shook my head.
“Oh my god, are you totally serious?”
I nodded.
“You wear a pad? Yuck.”
I shrugged. “My mom doesn’t want me to get toxic shock syndrome.”
Okay, I didn’t tell her everything. Some things were too embarrassing—like TSS.
“No way.” She laughed. “You have to leave it in for like days. That’s so gross. Wearing a pad is like wearing a diaper. How embarrassing. And how am I your best friend and just now finding out about this?”
I had no response. It wasn’t just my pads that were embarrassing; my whole situation in the lower region was embarrassing.
“So, what has been inside of you down there ?”
“Nothing.”
Again, Heather responded with only a few blinks. “Sarah,” she whispered with a sympathetic frown.
A woman and her young child came into the bathroom, so I tossed the paper towel and led the way out. “What did you do with Isaac?” I asked, walking as slowly as possible to the table.
“Not much. The movie stopped twenty minutes into it; there was some issue with the film, so we left.”
“Were you really watching the movie?” I murmured with a smile as Matt glanced up from the table across from Isaac.
“I mean, we kissed. Or I kissed him. It was weird. I don’t think he’s interested in me,” she said five feet from the table, so I couldn’t ask any follow-up questions like why she would kiss someone who smoked and impregnated women only to have to drive them to Planned Parenthood.
Never mind that he tried to get a minor drunk on Easter Sunday.
Matt was all smiles, eating his burger and fries. I sat next to him and tried not to look at Isaac because I knew that while we were in the bathroom, Matt told him we had sex.
“What’s going on here?” Isaac asked.
When no one else answered, I glanced up at him since he was sitting across from me. He nodded to my vanilla ice cream cone that was upside down in a cup with a spoon.
“Her teeth are sensitive to cold, so she can’t eat ice cream cones before they melt everywhere, so she gets them like this,” Matt said because he knew me so well.
“Why not just get ice cream in a cup without the cone?” Isaac asked before bringing his straw to his lips.
“Because I like the cone,” I said, spooning ice cream into my mouth while flipping the spoon over so it hit my tongue first. This gave me more control over keeping it away from my teeth until it warmed up a little.
“It’s not a sugar cone. Those cake cones taste like cardboard.” Isaac eyed me with disapproval.
“Are they as disgusting as smoking?” I rolled my eyes.
“More disgusting,” he countered.
Matt and Heather chuckled.
Isaac scooted back in his chair, which made his leg slide between mine. I stiffened, but I couldn’t move my leg without bumping Matt’s leg, and that might have drawn his attention to his brother’s leg unnecessarily invading my space. So I narrowed my eyes at Isaac instead.
He smirked as his lips wrapped around the straw for a quick sip. “So you’re a licker. You can’t get it past your teeth to let it slide down your throat.”
Heather nearly spat out her drink as Matt tucked his chin and grinned. I had no choice but to act like I didn’t hear him.
“So, what have you two been doing?” Heather asked, directing her gaze at Matt.
I wanted to kick her to shut her up, but someone had his leg wedged between mine, and I didn’t want to move because moving would have felt like rubbing, and I wasn’t going to rub any part of my body against Isaac. After all, I was a taken woman. Matt had claimed me with a third of his thingy and repeated declarations of love and the prospect of marriage.
“We went for a drive,” Matt said, popping the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth.
Everyone at the table knew what we had done, so it was ridiculous to let Heather or Isaac tease and goad us.
“Was it a long drive or a short one?” Heather asked, tapping a french fry against her smirked lips.
“I’m sure it was a short one,” Isaac said.
I shoveled ice cream into my mouth so quickly that each bite didn’t have time to warm up before touching my sensitive teeth, but I welcomed the unnerving pain and what would be the subsequent brain freeze because it was preferable to the agony of the conversation.
“It wasn’t that short,” Matt added.
I whipped my gaze in his direction, and he, too, was wearing a cocky grin as he dipped a wad of fries into the ketchup on an empty burger wrapper.
“This is totally ridiculous,” I mumbled while standing. “I’ll be outside when you’re done,” I said, taking off toward the exit, wishing I had my own car so I could leave all of them behind.
“Sarah?” Matt chased me to his car.
I spun on my heels when I reached the passenger’s door. “I don’t want to talk about what happened in a stupid McDonald’s in front of my best friend and your stupid brother.”
He shrugged, holding his hands out to his sides. “What did you want me to say?”
“I wanted you to change the subject. ”
“Heather brought it up. You should be mad at her.”
“I’m mad at all of you.”
“Sarah,” Matt said in a soft tone, taking my cup of ice cream and setting it on the roof of his car before cupping my face with his hands, “we had sex. We’re adults. They’re adults. Who cares if anyone makes a comment about what happened? No one’s going to tell your parents. Are you embarrassed? Do you regret it?”
I wasn’t embarrassed, and I didn’t regret it. I simply hated sex and, therefore, didn’t want to discuss it with anyone ever again.
With a sigh, I shook my head. “I think it’s okay not to want to talk about it in a McDonald’s with your brother and Heather without it meaning I regret it or I’m embarrassed.”
Matt slowly nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“No.” I took a step back and retrieved my ice cream from the roof. “It was Heather who started it. It wasn’t your fault.”
He opened my door. “You must have told her in the bathroom.”
“Or your brother mentioned it when he blurted out the fact that you asked him to buy you a box of condoms.” I sat in his car without giving him a second glance. Of course, I told Heather, but Isaac wasn’t exactly innocent.
Matt sighed. “I didn’t know what else to do.”
“It’s fine. Just take me back so I can get my car and be home by curfew.”