Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
WHITNEY HOUSTON, “SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU”
Sarah
Matt didn’t tell me.
I replayed our last exchange. What would I have said or done differently had I known about Violet’s affair? Was I a terrible person?
My friends were dead. I destroyed my boyfriend when he was on the precipice of having his whole world turned upside down. What made me special?
Why did I get to ride off into the sunset and live out my dreams?
“You’re awfully quiet,” Isaac said as we reached the outskirts of Devil’s Head.
“It’s just …” I shook my head.
“Just what?” He rested his hand on my leg.
I kept my gaze out the window. “This isn’t how I imagined things going. I didn’t think I’d have to choose between a man and my family. I didn’t think I’d break Matt’s heart. And I definitely didn’t imagine my selfishness leading to the loss of lives.”
“You weren’t driving that car. Brenda was.”
“No,” I whispered, “I wasn’t. But we would not have left our camping trip that early. I chose to go to Nashville with you. So …” I bowed my head and closed my eyes for a moment. “I went from being a people-pleaser to not caring about anyone but myself.”
“Stop.”
“It’s true.”
Isaac pulled over along the side of the road and put the truck in Park. “Do you regret going to Nashville? Is this my fault too?”
“No. Yes.” I shook my head a half dozen times. “It’s not that simple.”
“It is, Sarah. It’s that simple. You can’t live with regret over something that you can’t change.”
“Yes! I can.” I opened the door and hopped out, walking along the side of the road with my head bowed and my hands on my hips.
Isaac followed me. “Just stop.”
“What if this is my punishment?” I breathed faster, feeling on the verge of hyperventilating. “What if this is my lesson? Heather. Joanna. Matt. And now your dad is selling the land, which means my parents will have to move. How is this not my fault?” I stopped, pressing my hands to the side of my head. “I let you tempt me. I let you make me think nothing mattered more than what I wanted in life. If I just would have listened to my gut, everything wouldn’t have fallen apart. They’d be alive. Matt would not hate me, and he wouldn’t know about the affair. It’s all my fault.” I stared at Isaac with wide eyes drowning in tears as I covered my mouth with a sob.
He deflated, pinching the bridge of his nose as several cars sped by us. “You mean it’s my fault. Just fucking say it.” Blowing out a long breath, he looked at the sky for a brief moment. “Do you think I wanted to like my brother’s girlfriend? The pastor’s daughter? Do you think I did this for any other reason than I simply fell for you from the moment you smiled at me on Easter Sunday?” He shrugged. “Yeah. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe after giving up everything for everyone else, I wanted something for myself. But fuck, baby”—his eyes reddened—“I want you.” He pressed his hand to his chest, clawing at it. “I feel it so damn deep in my heart nothing else matters. And if that’s selfish, then I’m guilty. If you need me to take the blame for everything that’s happened, I’ll bear the burden. I’ll take everything as long as that includes you.”
He took my face in his hands and wiped the pads of his thumbs along my wet cheeks. “I can’t bring them back. But if you give me the chance, I’ll make everything else right. Can you give me that chance?”
I couldn’t hear my own thoughts around Isaac. My heart always beat too loudly, too quickly. With him so close to me, there weren't thoughts, only feelings. “Yes,” I whispered.
“Go in the house. It’s hot,” Isaac said as I watched him put Anakin in the barn.
“I’ll wait.”
He grinned. “Matt is in Michigan. My dad is probably on a horse somewhere or covered in grease fixing a tractor. And if my mom is inside, she'll be thrilled to see you.”
I relinquished a tiny nod, retrieved my bags and guitar from the truck, and sulked toward the house. Why would Violet be thrilled to see me? I broke Matt’s heart. Did falling in love with Isaac make up for that? After all, she did say she hoped he’d find a nice girl like me.
Maybe we’d bond over our commonality: we were cheaters.
But I wasn’t supposed to know that. I promised Isaac we would never discuss it again, not with each other nor anyone else.
“Hey, young lady.”
I turned just before reaching the front door.
Violet walked toward me in her overalls, boots, and a basket of eggs hooked over her arm. She set it down and hugged me.
“Hi.” I stiffened as she hugged me.
She rested her hands on my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length. “You need to go home. Your mom is beside herself, missing you something fierce.”
I returned a sad smile.
“Your dad misses you too.” She winked, releasing me and grabbing the basket.
I followed her into the house.
“I suppose Isaac told you we’re moving to North Carolina.”
“He did.” I toed off my shoes and set my stuff by them.
“We’re building a cabin in the mountains outside of Ashville.” She sounded excited. “It would be a fresh start after years of running this ranch.” She breathed a contented sigh while setting the basket on the counter and washing her hands. “Lord knows we need a fresh start.”
“I’m sure you’ll love it.” I tried to infuse enthusiasm into my words.
It was awkward talking about them moving because they had to sell the land to give Isaac his half. And surely, she assumed I knew why Isaac owned half the land.
“What about you?” She dried her hands.
“We’re … I’m …” I fumbled my words. “Nashville. I want to live in Nashville so I can sing.”
Violet’s smile was genuine, unlike mine. She seemed at peace with everything. Perhaps it was an act, and if so, it was a good one. “I know you’ll be a star. And you’ll only be a five-hour drive from us and even less to come back here to visit your parents.” Violet retrieved a cutting board from the drawer and dumped a bowl of potatoes into the sink.
She made it all sound so normal like my friends didn’t die, no one cheated on anyone, and my dad hadn’t kicked me out of his house.
“Yeah,” I murmured.
“Are you staying for dinner? I could invite your family over.”
“No,” I said quickly.
Violet paused, lifting her head.
I folded my hands behind me, pressing my lips together while cringing. “Sorry. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the offer, but I don’t think a group dinner should be my first face-to-face encounter with my parents in over six weeks.”
“Of course. When are you heading home? Will you be staying for dinner?”
“Um …”
Isaac opened the back door and removed his boots. The second he peeked around the corner, Violet dropped the knife and headed straight to him for a hug. He had his bag over his shoulder and his guitar in his right hand.
“I missed you.”
“You too,” he said.
He had as much right (if not more) to be mad at his parents as I did to be mad at mine. Yet, he felt comfortable walking into his childhood home. He didn’t hesitate to hug his mom.
Was he demonstrating his age and maturity, or was I an awful daughter who feared going home?
“Let’s take our stuff upstairs,” Isaac said, winking at me.
“Of course, you are welcome to stay in Matt’s room, but I really hope you go home and let your family see you,” Violet said, cutting the potatoes.
“We’ll take the temperature of that water after dinner,” Isaac said, nodding to my stuff. “For now, let’s take our things upstairs.” He set his bag and guitar in his room and turned just as I set my stuff down. “Matty’s room.” He nodded behind me.
I gawked as he carried my stuff to Matt’s room.
“So much for being adults,” I mumbled.
Isaac chuckled after depositing my stuff on the floor at the foot of the bed. “We won’t be here long. No need to rock the boat.”
“I’m drowning. I don’t even see the boat.” While I surveyed the room, an unexpected loneliness washed over me despite Isaac standing so close. I missed Matt because we were friends first, and I wanted to believe we would always be friends. But that seemed unlikely, and that hurt.
“He’s fine,” Isaac said, bringing my attention back to him. “He’s doing what he loves.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to.”
I managed a melancholy smile. “And what am I doing?” It was a rhetorical question.
Isaac pulled me to him, sliding his fingers into my back pockets. “You’re doing what you love.”
“Singing?”
“I was going to say me, but that works too.”
I snorted, and it felt good because everything felt good with Isaac.
“Do you want to go see your parents now or after dinner?”
“I don’t.”
“You do, baby. You’re just afraid.” He pecked at my lips and bit my lower one, holding it hostage until I grinned and pulled away. “The question is, what are you afraid of?”
I looked to the side, glancing out the window at the oak tree. “I’m afraid they’ll confirm all the awful things I already feel about myself.”
“Then they’re liars, and you’re a liar because Sarah Sunday Morning is remarkable and kind. She’s an extraordinary talent with great tits.”
I shot my wide-eyed gaze to his.
He shrugged. “Just stating facts.”
With a slight chuckle, I shook my head. “Take me home.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s time.”