Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
GLORIA GAYNOR, “I WILL SURVIVE”
“I need to do this alone.” I rested my hand on Isaac’s when he parked in our driveway.
“I won’t stay, but I’m walking you to the door. I’m not dropping you off and slinking away like a coward,” he said.
My nerves were shot, but Isaac made me feel a little less like the world was about to end.
As we walked to the door, he held my hand. I opened it slowly, and my mom poked her head around the corner from the kitchen.
“Sarah,” she gasped, untying her apron while running toward me.
I stumbled backward a few steps when she hugged me. “Hey, Mom.” As I gazed over her shoulder, my dad appeared in his dress slacks, white button- down shirt, and tie.
My bravery wavered while my mom released me. Then Isaac took my hand again.
Dad focused on our hands, brow furrowed. “Isaac, I need to talk to my daughter alone,” he said.
“I’m aware. Before I go, you need to know that I love her. And as hard as it is for you to accept, she’s alive because I convinced her to go to Nashville with me. I took care of her because nothing or no one is as precious to me as her. And while she’s been grieving the loss of her friends, I’ve been thanking God every day for her life. And when we move to Tennessee, and my parents sell all of the land, I want you to know that I plan to ensure that your name is on this property as well as the house.”
My dad’s brow wrinkled in confusion, and my mouth hung open. Was he giving my parents the house and the lot out of his share?
“It’s time for you to go, Isaac,” my dad said with a stony expression, being a stubborn father more than a humble man of God.
“Call me later to come get you,” Isaac said, pressing his palm to my cheek while kissing me.
I couldn’t believe he was doing it right in front of my father. Isaac loved me without shame or fear. Everything he did was like nobody else had ever done. His love was almost too big for my young, foolish heart.
“She’s staying here. No need to come get her,” Dad said.
“My stuff is at Isaac’s house.”
“We’ll get it later.” Dad eyed Isaac instead of me.
But Isaac didn’t flinch. After six years as an MP, it took a lot to make him cower. As he walked out the door, I felt naked. He’d been my home for six weeks, and in his arms is where I felt most secure. The house I stood in felt like a stranger’s home. I barely knew the girl who used to live there.
“Where are Eve and Gabby?” I asked Mom because I wasn’t as brave as Isaac. I still cowered under my father’s scrutinizing gaze.
“They ran to the store to grab a few things for the rest of the soup,” Mom said. “Are you okay?” She offered a hesitant smile. “Was Isaac good to you?”
I narrowed my eyes. Did she think he would hurt me? “Yes. We’re in love. And we’re moving to Nashville. And?—”
“Sarah, let’s go out back before you dig yourself into a hole again.” Dad nodded toward the deck door. He didn’t wait. It was just expected that I would follow—I would obey.
Mom squeezed my hand. “Just listen to him. Be patient. This has been terribly hard on him.”
I returned a slight nod before heading to the deck.
“Have a seat.” Dad pointed to the folding chair facing his.
I sat with my arms crossed over my chest, then I quickly unfolded them to appear open to his words, even though I knew I was going to be with Isaac no matter what.
“Does your mom need to get a pregnancy test from the pharmacy?”
My mouth opened to protest his implied accusations that Isaac was the guy who got girls pregnant and drove them to get abortions. I promised not to say anything about the truth, but it was hard because I wanted to defend him. So I returned a headshake.
“You’re living in sin and throwing your life away.”
Swallowing hard, I nodded. “You’re right. It is my life.”
He gazed off into the distance, the sun setting over acres of farmland. “It’s not too late to do the right thing. You could still enroll in community college. Everyone in the choir misses you. And I want to forgive you.”
I wanted to forgive him too, but he was making it impossible.
“I’m moving to Nashville with Isaac.”
“How will you support yourself?”
I shrugged. “I’ll be with Isaac. And I can get a job during the day so I can perform at night.”
He rubbed his temples. “What happens when he finds someone else? Will you come crawling back to us?”
“What makes you think he’s going to leave me?”
Dad grunted. “Don’t be naive. I love you. I see all the things that make you a wonderful young woman, but that’s not what he sees. And he’s going to get bored and move on to the next young woman who’s vulnerable and …”
“Naive? Stupid? Gullible?” I laughed, shaking my head. “Wow. What’s harder to believe? That a guy would want to be with me for the right reasons or that Isaac isn’t a monster who preys on young women?”
“He smokes, drinks, and yes, gets young women pregnant.”
"He quit smoking," I said, even though he occasionally sneaked one when he was really stressed.
“So he just still drinks and impregnates women.”
I fisted my hands at my sides and gave him a fake smile. “I’ve been singing. And I love it. I’m happy.”
“Heather and—” He pressed his lips together and closed his eyes for a few seconds.
“Heather and Joanna are gone, and I will live with that unimaginable reality for the rest of my life. But I’m alive, and they would want me to live. They would want me to follow my dreams, fall in love, and do all the things they never got to do.”
The muscles in his jaw flexed.
I stood. “That’s the hardest part for you, isn't it? You can’t figure out why I’m here. Why did God spare me despite my sinful trip with Isaac to Nashville? Well, I don’t know either. And some days are easier than others, but I’m not wasting my chance, this gift, or blessing.” I shrugged. “Maybe God likes Isaac. Maybe He made him just for me.” I opened the door.
“If you leave?—”
I turned and lost my resolve. My fists relaxed, as did my shoulders. With one blink, I released so many emotions that I’d been holding back. “If I leave, I want to believe that my family will come visit me and watch me do what I love. If I leave, I want to believe that I’m welcome home any time. If I leave, I know I’ll never regret it because I’m not doing it for Isaac or anyone else. I’m doing it for me. God loves me unconditionally while allowing me to make my own decisions, even if they are mistakes. Can’t you try to love me like He does?” I closed the door behind me.
When my sisters returned from the store, I told them over dinner about the stops Isaac and I made over six weeks away. My mom tried to restrain her smile as if she knew my dad wouldn’t approve of her being happy for me.
“Are you getting married?” Gabby asked.
Eve shot me a smirk with wide eyes while Dad kept his gaze on the bowl of soup.
“Mom and Dad said Isaac needs to marry you before he gets you pregnant.” Gabby shrugged as if she didn’t know that she was stirring up trouble. But she did. I could see the mischievous twinkle in her eyes.
“That’s not exactly what we said,” Mom corrected her.
“I don’t want to get married. I’m too young.”
“But you’re going to live together?” Gabby's follow-up question stoked the tension.
I wanted to muzzle her.
“Yes,” I said. “But you shouldn’t be like me. You should find a nice boy who goes to church every week and wants to marry you before living with you.” I shared a toothy grin with everyone at the table.
“You mean like Matt?” Gabby wiped a drop of soup from her chin. “I’d marry him.”
“He’s too old for you,” Eve said.
“He’s four years older than me. Isaac is six years older than Sarah.” Gabby was too observant for her own good.
“Then you can marry him in four years,” Eve said, earning matching scowls from Mom and Dad.
But I couldn’t help but snort.
After dinner, I helped with dishes before calling Isaac’s house.
“If you love your dad, you’ll stay here tonight,” Mom said as I dialed the number. She gave me a pleading look before joining my dad in the living room.
“Yes! Stay. Please!” Eve stood behind me, wrapping her arms around me so her lips were at my ear, and she whispered, “I have tequila.”
I giggled. “Isaac’s better than tequila.”
“It’s just one night. Stay and tell me all the ways he’s better. ”
Violet answered the phone just as I twisted my head to look at Eve’s hopeful smile.
“Hi. Is Isaac there?”
“He’s in the shower, Sarah. I’ll have him call you.”
“It’s fine. Just tell him I’m staying here, and I’ll call him in the morning.”
“That’s wonderful to hear, sweetie. I’ll tell him.”
“Thanks, bye.”
“Good night.”
“Yay!” Eve clapped her hands. “Let’s walk down to the creek.”
“We’ll get chewed up by mosquitoes,” I said.
“Don’t be such a baby.” She pulled on my arm. “We’re walking to the creek,” she called to our parents.
“I’m going too!” Gabby barreled down the stairs.
“You can’t. It’s just me and Sarah,” Eve said.
Gabby’s lower lip pushed out as she tipped her chin down.
“You can come,” I said, shoving my feet into my shoes.
Eve gave me an undecipherable look, so I grinned and shrugged. As we stepped outside, Gabby skipped ahead of us.
“How are we supposed to drink with her here?” Eve asked.
“Drink what? How were you going to sneak it out of the house?”
“It’s not in the house. It’s buried in a box by the creek,” Eve said.
“Well, I didn’t know.”
“We can give her a sip,” Eve said.
“No,” I said. “She’s fourteen.”
“Almost fifteen,” Eve countered. “ One sip.”
“She’ll hold it over your head.” I hopped onto a rock and then jumped off.
“Just the opposite. I’ll hold it over hers.” Eve laughed manically while looping her arm with mine.
When we arrived at the creek, Gabby picked up a rock and threw it into the water. “Are you getting your bottle of alcohol?”
Eve shot me a look.
Gabby glanced over her shoulder at us. “Sometimes I follow you and your friends.”
“You’re such a twerp. Have you told Mom or Dad?”
“Duh. Of course not,” Gabby said.
Behind a fallen tree trunk, Eve dug up her box of alcohol and opened the lid, taking a big swig before passing it to me.
“Did you have sex with Isaac?” Gabby asked.
I choked on the tequila, spitting it out while Eve’s hand flew to her mouth.
“What?” Gabby didn’t crack a smile. “I’m not a baby. And Mom and Dad talked a lot about what they would do if you came home pregnant.”
“Jeez, Gabbs … you’re such a little eavesdropping creep,” Eve mumbled, taking another drink of tequila.
“What did they say they’d do?” I asked, stealing the bottle.
“They said they’d have to get rid of your desk to make room for a crib. Are you going to let me try that?” She eyed the bottle.
“No,” I said.
“Just a sip,” Eve said.
“Eve—” I started to protest.
Eve took the bottle, poured a tiny amount in the cap, and handed it to Gabby. “It’s going to burn your mouth, and you’ll probably choke and spit it out.”
Gabby wrinkled her nose. “Then why do you drink it?”
“Because if you drink enough of it, you feel really relaxed, like you don’t have a care in the world. But we’re not letting you drink enough to feel buzzed.”
Keeping a sour expression, Gabby tipped the cap just enough to let the tequila touch her lips; then she licked them. “Yuck!”
We laughed.
“Gross!” She spat several times before returning to the creek to throw rocks into it.
“Are you pregnant?” Eve asked as we sat on the falling tree trunk.
“No.” I laughed. “We use condoms.”
“And it’s good?” She smirked before tipping the bottle to her lips again.
“So good.” A smile consumed my face.
“Does he go … you know …” she pointed between her legs. “Down there with his mouth?”
I closed my eyes and hummed with a nod. Then I replayed so many conversations I’d had with Heather about sex before I had it with Matt. I knew I would never stop missing Heather, but I had Eve, and she would be the person I called to share things—to make them feel real.
“How does it feel?”
I bit my lower lip.
“That good?”
I nodded.
“Do you have it a lot? Like every day? More than once a day?”
I laughed. Eve was so horny. She was the one our parents needed to be concerned about getting pregnant. When I was her age, my focus wasn't nearly as much on sex.
“Tell me!” she giggled.
“It depends.”
“On what?”
Again, I laughed. Eve was totally me.
“We have it a lot. Before we go to sleep, usually in the morning, too. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and …” I blushed.
“And what?” Eve hung on my every word.
“And he puts his head …” I pointed between my legs.
Eve’s posture inflated along with her smile. “I’m so jealous. What about the shower? The truck. In public?”
“Stop!” I giggled.
“Just tell me.”
“Yes. In the shower, but it’s not easy. And yes, in the truck.”
“Have you given him a blowjob?”
“Shh!” I covered her mouth with my hand.
The tequila was making her get louder.
“I heard that,” Gabby said.
“We are done talking about me. How’s Erin? Did you get all your school supplies?”
“Yes. I have a hundred number two pencils and a Trapper Keeper. Do you swallow it?”
“You’re done.” I snagged the bottle and cap from her. “Gabby, let’s dip our toes in the water,” I said, returning the bottle to the box and kicking dirt and brush over it.
“I’ve heard it tastes salty,” Eve said with a giggle.
“Eve Marie Jacobson!” I pushed her off the tree trunk, and she rolled onto the ground laughing.
For the next hour, we splashed in the shallow water and giggled, and for the first time in months, the world felt a little right again.
Hand-in-hand, we headed back to the house in the dark, knowing Mom and Dad wouldn’t be happy with any of us, but we were in it together.
“We’re going to miss you,” Eve said, resting her head on my shoulder.
“So much,” Gabby said, squeezing my hand a little tighter.
“I’ll miss you too. But I’m not that far away. As long as Dad doesn’t ban me from the house, I’ll come back to visit.”
“Maybe I can talk them into going to Nashville to watch you sing,” Eve said.
I laughed. “Good luck with that. Can you see Dad listening to loud music that’s not a hymn?”
We laughed together.
“When are you leaving?” Gabby asked.
“I don’t know. I think as soon as we find a place to live.”
A deep ache gripped my heart, yet my tummy felt a flutter of excitement. It was the good kind of fear.
My sisters fought over who was going to use the shower first. Eve was desperate to go to bed before Mom or Dad noticed that she was tipsy.
“Sarah, can you come in here for a second?” Mom asked just as I started up the stairs.
I sighed. Nothing they had to say would change my mind, even if they said I was never welcome home again.
“Yeah?” I stepped into the living room, sitting on the arm of the sofa. My dad was sitting on the opposite end. He shoved notes into his Bible and closed it while my mom set her needlepoint aside and rocked in her chair.
“We don’t approve of how you’ve chosen to behave with a man six years older than you. And we don’t want you to move to Nashville with him,” she said.
I bowed my head and chewed on the inside of my cheek to hide my disappointment.
“But you’re our daughter, and we love you no matter what choices you make. So if you insist on moving away, we hope you’ll be smart about your choices. And we want you to know that you are always welcome here. If you ever need help, we are a call away. We hope Isaac will eventually do the right thing if you’re going to stay together.”
They hope he’ll marry me.
I thought about Isaac telling me not to rock the boat. So instead of lecturing them on my dreams that didn’t involve getting married right away and starting a family, I smiled and offered an easy nod. “Thank you.”
Sometimes being a people-pleaser wasn’t a bad thing. Perhaps a peaceful life existed somewhere in the middle.
I turned to head to my room but stopped after two steps. “I’m sorry,” I said. “When I was in Nashville, and you did not know where I was, or if I was alive and safe, that must have been terrifying. I’m just … really sorry.”