14. Sunday
Sunday
“ G irl, I remember when I was pregnant with Janaya, every payday this mall saw me. Onesies ‘n’ Booties has the cutest baby clothing for the best price,” Janae informed me as we hopped on the escalator to go to the third floor of the mall.
“I hadn’t wanted to jump the gun just yet. I just wanted to get a little further along in my pregnancy before I started shopping.”
“Yeah, they say you should wait until you’re out of your first trimester.”
“Well, I’m safely out of that zone. In two weeks, I’ll be in my third trimester. It seems like time is flying by some days.”
“And other days, it feels like you’ve been pregnant all your life,” Janae joked.
“Exactly.”
We stepped off the escalator and made our way by some of my favorite stores, like Dreams, End Zone, Frankies, and The Bayou, which I no longer frequented because I couldn’t fit their clothes.
“Can’t wait till next summer to be back in The Bayou. My first trip will be to the beach, and I’m wearing a two-piece. This snapback better be something fierce.”
“It may not happen overnight. Let me warn you now so you don’t get your hopes up and be disappointed. You’re gonna have to put the work in,” Janae warned.
“Oh, for sure. I know that I’ll have to change my diet and exercise. The way this boy has me eating right now has me looking like a big back.”
“He might be a wide receiver like Cedar was in college.”
“Or have me looking like one,” I muttered and rolled my eyes.
“He’s so cute. The way he waits on you and takes care of you is the cutest thing. I love seeing how you two love each other.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I rubbed my back as we headed into the baby store.
“Uh-oh. There’s no way there’s trouble in paradise, I know.”
“I don’t know, Nae.”
“Listen, it’s okay to be emotional or have your hormones all over the place right now. We second-guess and question a lot of things when we’re pregnant. That’s normal, honey.”
I lifted a little blue sailor suit and held it up. “Isn’t this just the cutest?”
“It is. I’m about to spoil my little nephew rotten.”
“I’m glad Janaya will have someone to play with.”
“More like someone to boss around. I had to remind that little thang the other day that I’m the mama, not her.”
I giggled because Janaya was a bossy little something. She spoke so well for a two-year-old and knew too much. But I knew that was because when she wasn’t in daycare, she was around nothing but adults.
I rubbed my belly and sighed again as I thought about our son. A long time ago, I planned to have my children no more than two years apart. But now, I wasn’t so sure what would happen in the future, and this little guy might be the only child for several years to come.
Janae rubbed my arm. “Honey, what’s going on?”
I grabbed a little Nikaj jogging suit and moved to another section of the store.
“It’s Cedar. I don’t like the way he’s acting lately. It’s like we were best friends, got along so well, but in this relationship, he’s become someone else.”
“Like?”
“I don’t know. He’s become very controlling and dominant.”
“He’s protective of you and your little guy, Sunday. Welcome and embrace that. Be thankful that you have him in your life and that you aren’t doing this alone.”
Janae picked up a couple of infant boy outfits in baby blue and sage green.
“It’s not that simple, Janae.”
“Then what is it?”
“I feel like he hasn’t completely healed from his ex-wife, Taylor. He’s triggered over every little thing and thrown back to another place in time.”
“Damn, you make him sound like a wounded war vet.”
“Not quite, but maybe we did move too fast. Maybe he needed more time alone before he jumped into another relationship.”
“Or maybe that’s exactly what he needed. After all, it’s been over two years since they divorced, right?”
“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean that he was ready for another one.”
“The right woman will heal a wounded man. And you’re the right woman, Sunday. You just need to be patient with him and put things in perspective. You’re both going through major life changes right now. For you, it’s this pregnancy and preparing to become a mother.
“That is a lot, so please don’t underestimate the changes your body, hormones, and emotions are sending you through right now.
Shit’s being shifted around in you to make room for a whole other human being.
That little guy is in there shifting furniture around and renovating your whole interior to make him a comfortable home.
And if he’s anything like his daddy, he really ain’t a little guy, but a big dude. ”
I giggled and rubbed my belly as my baby kicked. “Yeah, I think Aspen’s gonna be a big baby. That’s for sure. He’s already three pounds.”
“Damn. And toward the end, he’ll gain a pound a week.”
“I know. That’s what I’m afraid of. How the hell will I push his big-headed self out of my punana?”
“Honey, we’ve been doing it since the beginning of time.”
I grabbed a few more outfits and took them to the counter. After I paid for my things, I stepped to the side and waited for Janae to purchase her items. She had brought several items for baby Aspen and some for Janaya.
We left the store with our bags on our arms.
“My back hurts.”
“Come on, let’s head outside and get some lunch at Charly Mac’s.”
“Sounds good to me.”
I loved Southern soul food, and Charly Mac’s had the best there was in the South.
It was a four-star restaurant right on the outside of the mall but in the same lot.
We dropped the bags off at her car and headed into the restaurant.
After we were seated and placed our orders, we resumed our earlier conversation.
“What is it that you think is triggering Cedar?”
I sighed. “You know that his wife cheated on him with her best friend, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, an old high school friend of mine was in town about a month ago and unexpectedly reached out to me. I met her for lunch at a hotel she was staying at, and he saw me leaving and jumped to conclusions. I thought that I cleared it up for him and reassured him that I wasn’t meeting some guy there. ”
“But of course, in his mind, it doesn’t have to be a guy since his ex-wife cheated with another woman.”
“Exactly. So, now that she and I have been talking on the phone again, he thinks something’s up.”
“That’s messed up. I hate that she did him the way that she did. Cedar’s a good guy,” Janae professed.
“He really is. But this is too much for me right now, Janae. Some days, I don’t think we’re gonna make it.
The last month has been tense, but these last couple of weeks have been more than I can handle.
I really think it’ll be better if we just decide to co-parent Aspen.
I don’t want to be controlled or told what to do.
Don’t get me wrong, I respect Cedar, and I love him.
I also firmly believe that a man is the head of his wife, and she should submit to him.
But we’re not that. Hell, he hasn’t even proposed to me. ”
She sighed. “I get where you’re coming from. Have you told him how you feel?”
“Not in so many words.”
What I hadn’t told Janae was that I knew I’d given him a reason to be suspicious.
Whenever Layla called me, I wasn’t exactly forthcoming about our history and downplayed our role in each other’s lives when, in fact, she played a major role in my past. She was the reason that I was cautious about relationships now, who I became involved with, and how I made decisions that might impact others.
I couldn’t tell Janae this, though. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about my past choices and how I’d almost cost someone their life.
I couldn’t share that her life had forever been changed because of me, and out of fear and selfishness, I’d gone on with my life and tucked her safely in the past, or so I thought.
What would that say about my character? How would my friends view me now?
“Listen, whatever you do, you need to tread carefully. Don’t just jump to a rash decision that you’ll regret later. You have to think about more than just yourself. How will this impact Cedar? What will it mean for baby Aspen’s future?”
Those were the things I was worried about. I didn’t want to make a decision one way or another, for fear I’d make the wrong decision like I had a few years ago.
“But I also don’t want to be confined to a relationship for the sake of a child.
I mean, come on, Janae. In the beginning, Cedar wasn’t interested in a relationship.
He had no intentions of becoming involved with me.
Had it not been for his sister’s wedding, we never would have kissed, never explored something more. ”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. He was adamant about how he felt. Even after we kissed and had sex, he wasn’t interested in making this more.
It wasn’t until we learned that I was pregnant that he decided to do whatever I needed, including marrying.
And it wasn’t exactly a proposal, just him telling me he’d do whatever it took to make sure that his baby and I were okay.
I don’t want a relationship where a man feels obligated to me because of his baby and his conscience. I want to feel loved and chosen.”
“That man does love you, and he chose you. From all that I know of you two, Cedar has never opened to anyone the way he’s done you.”
I sighed deeply. “Yeah, I still think it’s best that we just co-parent. If it’s meant to be, maybe it will be later. For now, I just don’t think this is what’s right for us.”
“Do you love him?”
“With all my heart. That’s what’s breaking me.”
“Then talk to that man.”
I didn’t see Cedar that evening after we’d gone shopping.
I knew he had plans with Chaz, and I’d gone to bed before nine.
I felt him get in the bed with me late at night, but I’d remained asleep.
When he woke up this morning to start brunch, I’d still been asleep.
Heading to the mall and several other stores after we finished our lunch yesterday had left me wiped out.