16. Cedar
Cedar
S unday hadn’t come home, she hadn’t called, and she hadn’t responded to a single text message.
I did overhear Celine at work telling one of the other girls that Sunday was working from home the next couple of weeks.
She mentioned that she wanted to drop by and check on her, but her sister was in town, so she wasn’t sure if she would have a chance.
That was all good with me because I didn’t want anyone popping up at my house. And I didn’t want to bother making up excuses or lies about where Sunday was.
This was the first Friday in a long time that I didn’t have shit to do.
When I came home, I sat on the couch in my boxer briefs with my socks on and kicked my feet up on the coffee table.
An empty pizza box was on the couch beside me, an empty Doritos bag, several empty beer bottles, and one half-full one littered the table.
I let out a loud belch and looked around through a sleepy gaze and befuddled brain.
I hadn’t realized that I’d dozed off. It had been some time since I’d lived alone.
I had been trying to convince myself for the last few days that the bachelor life was where it was at.
I could see me now when my little nigga got bigger.
It would be the two of us playing video games, eating the shit we wanted to, and doing what the hell we wanted without some nagging ass female around.
Chaz was out on a date, and Shawn was out of town for the weekend. I shoved the pizza box onto the floor and stretched out on the couch with my feet propped on the arm. I flicked through a few channels until I found a boxing match.
I had been dozing when my phone rang. I jumped and fell off the damn couch. Mad as hell, I stood and looked around for my phone. My heart thundered in my chest, and while I would never admit it to a living soul, I hoped in my heart that it was Sunday.
I was miserable as fuck without her, trying to pretend like it was no skin off my back. I missed my woman, and I wanted her back.
I finally found my phone on the floor in my jeans pocket. I’d come home from work with my pizza box in hand, a six-pack of beers, and stripped in the middle of the floor. I hadn’t bothered going up to my room.
I hadn’t slept upstairs since Sunday left two days ago. There was no reason to when I knew that I would be sniffing the damn covers and pillows for a hint of her scent. I frowned when I saw Taylor’s name on my caller ID.
What the hell did she want?
“Yo.”
“Is that how you answer your phone now?”
“When I’m paying the bill.”
“Oo-kay. Someone’s not in the best mood. Maybe I should call you back at a better time.”
“What’s up, Taylor?”
“I was calling you to let you know that Monica and I found someone to help us have a baby.”
“Good for you. I hope you two are happy.”
“What’s going on, Cedar? The last time that we spoke, you weren’t this abrasive.”
“What do you want from me, Taylor? I’m not on this friendly shit you’re on. I need you to keep the same energy you had when you was telling my ass to get a life and to stay outta yours.”
“I was wrong, Cedar, for the way I treated you. My guilt caused me to lash out at you, and you didn’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve the way I treated our marriage and the disrespect I showed you. But I can’t help but point the finger at you for where we stand today.”
“What the fuck you say to me?”
“You heard me. I messed up, Cedar. Instead of coming to you like a woman and being open and honest with you, I snuck around behind your back. I betrayed our marriage vows and our friendship. I have no one to blame but me. You were a good man—one I didn’t deserve.”
“Can we get to the point about you pointing the finger at me?”
“Yes. I messed up, and when I finally accepted that truth and came to you to discuss it, you wanted no part of it. I know that I hurt you, and I deserve your anger for it. But at what point do you let go of the past, Cedar, and forgive a person for their failings? I never claimed to be perfect. I didn’t know how to let go of what we’d built.
We had been together since our junior year of college.
You were all that I knew. The only man I’d ever been with, my first love, and my best friend. ”
“Nah, you saved that shit for Monica.”
“Okay, I deserve that. But what I’m trying to say is that we planned and built a beautiful life together. It was supposed to be lasting, but I snatched it away.”
“Did you always have those feelings, Taylor?”
She sighed dramatically into the phone and then blew her lips.
“I always had curiosities. But I hoped that they would go away, especially after getting married. Sometimes, I thought about us having a threesome, but I couldn’t gather the courage to ask you.
Then I thought about how difficult it would be if she preferred you over me or vice versa. So, I left that Pandora’s box closed.”
“I would have been open to anything that you wanted to try if it meant preserving our marriage, Taylor.”
“I know that now, but I didn’t know that then. Besides, it wouldn’t have been enough. As time passed, you would have realized that it wasn’t enough.”
“You’re right. You wanted what you wanted, and I wasn’t interested in being a part of that shit . . . What they call it when there are three people in a relationship?”
“A throuple.”
“Yeah. I want what I want, and what’s mine is all mine. I don’t believe in sharing.”
“I know. In that scenario, someone will always get hurt.” Taylor agreed in a soft voice.
I sighed, went into the kitchen, grabbed another beer, and popped the top. I’d drunk more beers tonight than I normally would.
“Someone still ended up hurt,” I mumbled.
“I’m so sorry, Cedar.”
“Are you really, though?”
“I am. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I let my selfish desires get in the way. You are so loving and so kind. I pray that things work out with you and Sunday. You deserve a good woman who loves, respects, and honors you.”
I had told Taylor about Sunday and me having a baby a while back, but I hadn’t shared our challenges.
“Yeah, well, that’s out the window.” I pulled the beer to my lips and chugged some down. The icy coldness of the beer felt good going down my throat.
“What happened?”
“Shit. What always happens? You women find another woman who understands your emotions, I guess. And then you trade ya man in for the woman.”
“Wait a second. Back the hell up. What are you saying here?”
“I’m saying that I’m back in the same situation with Sunday that I was with you.”
“Hell no. You’re reading something way off. There’s no way that Sunday is gay.”
“How do you know that? You telling me that you can home in on all gay women?”
“No. But I can promise you that she’s not. Call it a woman’s intuition or whatever, but she’s not gay, Cedar. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but it’s not that.”
“I hear you, but I’m not so sure.”
“What happened?”
I shared with her everything that we’d been going through, all the way up to me showing my ass at Sunday’s parents’ home. When I finished telling her the story, she clucked her tongue.
“What’s that about?”
“You are so triggered right now. I think that you’re scared of getting into another relationship because of what we went through.
At the first sign of trouble, you want to run because you don’t want to be hurt again.
You’re relaying all your fears of our past into this situation with Sunday.
I’m not saying that something isn’t wrong and that you shouldn’t look into it, but it’s not what you’re thinking. ”
“She kept getting upset with me, accusing me of controlling her, and she’s not sharing shit with me. I have no idea what she’s up to, but whoever this chick is she’s hanging with isn’t good for our relationship.”
“Talk to her, Cedar.”
“I’ve tried, Taylor. She won’t take my calls or texts.”
“Stop accusing her of my sins when you do talk to her. That would aggravate the shit out of me, too, if someone compared me with their ex constantly. You don’t do that shit with women.
When you’re constantly comparing a woman to another woman, that shit will fire her up and cause her to explode on you.
There’s nothing we hate more than being compared because it makes us feel like you’re not over that other woman. ”
“I’m over you.”
“Are you? Because if you’re comparing the two of us, it doesn’t look like it to me or her.”
“If she didn’t do some of the same shit, I wouldn’t.”
“She’s not doing the same thing, Cedar. From everything that you’ve shared with me, she’s moving differently than you’re used to, but not my shit. Just close. You have something beautiful with Sunday. Don’t ruin it with your insecurities and triggers.”
I blew out a long breath. I hated to admit it, but I knew she was right. “I can only hope she’ll eventually talk to me again.”
“She will. She’s just mad right now. How’s the little one baking?”
“My big guy is coming along well. I mean, I haven’t seen her in a couple of days, but he was doing very well the last time I saw her. I can’t believe that I’m about to have a kid, Taylor.”
“I can’t believe that either of us are about to have one.”
“What are you hoping for?”
“A healthy baby to love.”
“I feel ya,” I mumbled.
All I wanted was my woman in her arms. I wanted to rub her big belly, massage her feet, and talk to my boy in her womb.