Chapter Twenty-Three Amanda
Chapter Twenty-Three
Amanda
H e was way out of line, Amanda,” Ellen said as she caught up to her at the far end of the hospital hallway after she’d stormed out of Dominic’s room. “I don’t even know what he said, but from his tone and volume alone—I am so sorry. That is not the man I raised. I’ve never heard him talk to a woman like that before, or anyone actually.”
“You don’t need to apologize for him,” Amanda told Dominic’s mother. She certainly didn’t blame Ellen for how Dominic had just spoken to her, and she could see how horrified the older woman was at the entire exchange. “I should be the one apologizing.”
“What?” Ellen furrowed her brow as she looked at her. “For what? What happened in there?”
She honestly didn’t even know how to answer that question except to say that Dominic had somehow known how to hit all of her more reactive buttons, and she’d completely spiraled—fast.
“I think I just let my emotions get the better of me,” she finally said. “Given everything he’s going through, I know I should be more patient.”
“I mean, you can be patient and still not be a punching bag,” Ellen told her, now linking her arm around Amanda’s elbow and guiding her toward one of the small sitting area alcoves for families and guests.
Amanda took a seat on one of the stiff, plastic-like couches and Ellen poured them each a glass of water from the machine against the wall that had ice on one side and a water fountain on the other. She handed Amanda a cup, and she drank half of it quickly, letting the frigid liquid shock her system into calming down.
“Should I stay?” Amanda finally asked, running her finger absentmindedly on the rim of the cup. “I mean, he very clearly told me to leave. But he’s going to need help after this surgery. I’d feel like an asshole abandoning him right now.”
Ellen sat down on the couch that was perpendicular to hers. “Listen, Amanda, I like you and Dominic together. Really, I do. He’s been talking about you nonstop the last month, and I’m glad that he found you. He needs someone like you in his life, but this isn’t just about him or what he needs. This is your life, too.”
“I know, but I… I do like being with him,” she admitted. “I mean, the whole last ten minutes aside.”
“But it’s not just going to be ten minutes, Amanda,” Ellen continued. “The doctor said after this surgery, his vision is going to be pretty bad. Not entirely blind, most likely—still some shapes and shadows, we’re guessing—but there’s a lot he’s going to have to relearn how to do without the help of visual stimuli. I can’t even imagine what kind of learning curve that is going to be, but I know it’s going to be hard. I also don’t know where he’ll land on the other side of that. It would be completely understandable if that’s not a journey you want to take on for yourself.”
Amanda frowned and shook her head. “I don’t care about any of that. He’s been open with me from the start that his vision wasn’t guaranteed long-term. I might not know a lot about how to deal with that or what to do, but I’m willing to learn alongside him. We all have things we bring into relationships—I do, too.”
She wasn’t about to explain to his mother that she saw her lack of libido as what she was bringing to a relationship because that was a lot of unnecessary information. She also didn’t really like that she was even thinking about her sex drive as baggage, because it shouldn’t be. She didn’t think of Dominic’s vision as baggage—it was just part of who he was now and going forward. She was so freaking tired of everyone having to mask and put on these pretend shows of having it all together and being perfect.
She wanted to be accepted for who she was, not despite of who she was, or tolerating who she was, or any of that shit. Just love and acceptance. If she knew she could do that for another person, she also was beginning to know that she deserved that for herself, too.
“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Ellen replied. “I’ll come up for the summer to Heart Lake. I pushed back my internship over the summer to the fall, so we can help him get settled together. But again, no pressure. Also, he owes you an apology.”
Amanda let out a small laugh. “He does.”
Ellen finished her cup of water and stood up. “Why don’t you hang out here a bit until he gets transferred upstairs? I’ll keep you updated on what’s happening.”
She nodded in agreement, settling back onto the couch as she watched Ellen leave and walk down the hallway. There wasn’t a solid plan on next steps, but she’d already driven five hours to get here, so she wasn’t going to just turn around now. At the very least, she’d give him some time to calm down and try to reengage with him once he was out of surgery and feeling up to it.
The fight replayed in her head, though, and she couldn’t help but cringe at everything they’d said. He’d been mean, without a doubt, and she knew that wasn’t who he was. But his comments about sex, or her being a fuck buddy, had been jarring. She wanted to be here for him and to help him, but if she did go through all of that and then he still didn’t want to be with her because of her lack of sex drive… well, that would really sting.
At the same time, she wasn’t here to help with strings attached.
Her being here was because she genuinely cared and wanted to help, not because she was trying to convince him to be with her. So as mad as she was at him, and as scared as she was of the future, she wasn’t going anywhere.
She pulled out her cell phone and sent the girls an update on having arrived and the plans for surgery and discharge tomorrow. They both immediately responded with well wishes and that they were sending prayers. Rosie also sent a picture of Tom playing with the twins and assured her that she was settling into their house well.
There were a few missed emails in her inbox, and she clicked on them haphazardly even though she had no actual desire to catch up on work right now. However, an email from her now former boss caught her eye.
[email protected]: Exit Project
Hey Amanda,
Thanks for sending in all the exit paperwork. Everything looks squared away. I’m excited to see what you do out there with your new ventures and am happy to help in any way I can. As you may know, our firm won the bid for the Culver farmhouse at the end of Main Street. When I was bidding on this project, I always had envisioned it being your project, and I’d like to stay true to that vision. If you’re willing to take it on, I’d like to give you the contract as a parting gift and your first official contract in your new business venture. If that feels like too much, just let me know, and I’d be happy to help walk you through any parts of it. However, I think you are more than equipped to handle this level of project, and I’m excited to see what you do with that venue.
Let me know if you have any questions. I’ll have Brenda send over the measurements and blueprints as soon as possible.
With all my admiration,
Clayton
She felt like her chest was seizing up as she read his words. The Culver farmhouse was a dream project—her dream. She hadn’t even known to wish for it, let alone known that Clayton had won the bid for the project.
Amanda opened up an email in reply to him but hesitated over typing out any words. She couldn’t think of what to say to accurately express her thanks. She couldn’t think of how to apologize for everything, either. She had completed the design recently for Mrs. Crawford’s hall bathroom, and it was currently under construction with the contractor. As thrilled as she was about working on that project, she still felt the overwhelming sense of guilt in her gut at how she’d obtained it.
And now Clayton—the person she’d betrayed to do all that—was giving her another huge project. Free of any strings attached. Just because he believed in her and her vision.
Which, apparently, he always had.
She wondered why she hadn’t been able to see that before, but she wasn’t sure she’d even been open to the possibility. It hadn’t even crossed her mind as an option before—he was her competition. She’d put him in that category from the first day, and that hadn’t changed once. Maybe he’d tried to make it change over the years she’d worked there, but she knew she’d never been open to even acknowledging that.
God, she needed to apologize to him, but she wasn’t ready right now.
A text message from her mother popped up right as she was about to put her phone away, and she clicked on it automatically because it wasn’t often that her mother reached out. Plus, she was already in a self-punishing mood, so why not see what her mother had to add to it today?
Hey, baby girl! I’ve got the weekend off this week. The hotel is being closed for renovations, so all the staff gets two days paid leave. I’d love to see you!
Amanda felt both excited at the prospect of spending time with her mother and also frustrated that she only got opportunities to do so when her mom’s work allowed. She took a deep breath, trying not to focus on the negative right now. Instead, she clicked the call button next to her mom’s name and lifted the phone to her ear.
“Amanda!” Her mother’s voice came on the line after the first ring. “I’m so glad I caught you at a free moment. How are you?”
“I’m okay,” she replied, but an unexpected tremor in her voice said otherwise. She cleared her throat, pushing it away. “I’m, uh, I’m out of town right now. Just a lot going on. I’ll be back tomorrow night.”
“Oh, fun!” Her mother didn’t seem to notice the emotion in her voice. “Any plans this weekend? Do you want to grab lunch? Dinner? My treat. I also just found out I’m getting a raise in the new fiscal year, so we’ve got to celebrate.”
“That’s great, Mom,” she replied, even though she wished her mother would just retire. “Congratulations.”
“It speeds up my timeline, too,” her mother continued. “At that rate, I can pay off the house within seven years instead of nine. Then I can actually slow down and relax.”
“Mom, you can slow down and relax now,” she countered. “I’ve offered multiple times to help you with those payments, and you have money in your retirement account. You deserve to rest.”
“That money is for you, baby,” her mother replied. “I want to leave you something when I’m gone. It’s the least I can do—that’s my job as a mother, to take care of you.”
Financially but not emotionally? Amanda didn’t say that thought out loud.
“Yeah, Mom,” she agreed, her voice lackluster. “You’ve always taken great care of me and made sure I was provided for. But I’m an adult now, and I really just want to spend more time with you. If there’s anything I’m learning more and more in recent months, it’s that I want to just spend time with the people I care about without strings attached or keeping walls up between me and everyone.”
Her mother paused for a moment. “What walls? What do you mean?”
“I think I’m going to start going to therapy, Mom,” she replied.
There was a groan from the other end of the line. “Oh my God, did I screw you up that bad? Amanda, you don’t have to pay a stranger to complain about me. I’m here to listen. If you hate me, just say it. I can take it.”
“Jesus, Mom.” Amanda rolled her eyes and let out a sigh. “I don’t think that’s the point of therapy. I think it’s about bringing people closer together—not telling someone how much you hate your mother.”
“So you do hate me, then?” her mother replied. “I knew it. I knew I should have done more. I could have done more. Listen, I’m sending you a check right now. I’m going to drop it off at your door this afternoon, and you do something with it to make you feel better. I only want to ever take care of you, Amanda. I wasn’t perfect—I know that. But I’ve always tried my best.”
“Mom, of course I don’t hate you. But if you drop off a check at my door, I’m going to spend it on therapy,” she said.
Her mother seemed fine with that idea. “Can you tell that to the therapist? Tell them I help. Tell them I have always made sure you had a roof over your head and food in your belly. You went to a good school, and you wanted for nothing.”
Except her time and attention.
Again, she didn’t say that part out loud.
“Mom, I have to go. I’m helping a friend who is sick,” she finally said, because there was no point in continuing this conversation. “I’ll call you when I get back to town, okay?”
“Okay, baby. I love you so much,” her mother replied. “Seriously, Amanda. You are my reason for living. You know that, right?”
“I know, Mom,” she replied. “Talk to you soon.”
With that, she hung up the phone and placed it down on the couch beside her.
Everything in her life had felt so stable and calm before a month ago, before meeting Dominic. She worked a job she mostly liked, even if it wasn’t her forever plan. She had a home full of sunflowers that she was so proud of and had spent years turning into her space. She had a small group of friends whom she saw regularly and considered family. Everything had been… fine.
And then she’d met Dominic, and somehow it had been both the best and worst time of her life since then. She barely even recognized her life today from where she had been, and she was simultaneously happy about that and… not.
Going forward, she had no idea what to expect or what she wanted, but what she did know was that things were going to change even more. The further she let herself get absorbed into Dominic’s orbit, the more she was going to unlock parts of herself she’d worked really hard to keep under wraps.
And that was a terrifying and exhilarating thought.