1. Ella
1
ELLA
I stupidly thought that Asher would come back after he stormed off this morning. I thought he would knock on my door, admit that his confession had been a joke, and we’d have a good laugh while we tried to figure out how we moved forward in our friendship.
I’d thought wrong.
I spent the thirty minutes after his departure aimlessly walking around my apartment, trying to process what had just happened. Once I finally got myself together enough to get dressed in a pair of yoga pants and an oversized hoodie, I made my way into the kitchen to make breakfast.
His words played in my mind as I stood in front of my griddle, staring at the sizzling butter while I made French toast.
“I did it for you, because…it’s always been you.”
I blinked, my stomach twisting at the memory. Those words sat like a rock in my stomach. I loved my friend, I did, but I didn’t love, love him like that. I chewed on my thumbnail. How long had he felt this way? How long had he been hiding it from me? Were there signs?
I tried to think back over our years of friendship. Was there a moment where I’d felt his feelings for me switch?
Nothing came to mind. Asher was always nice to me. He always took care of me. He always protected me. He was always a great friend to me…so when did that all change? And how had I not noticed?
An acrid smell assaulted my nose as I quickly pushed all thoughts of Asher to the back of my mind and glanced down at the sizzling piece of French toast in front of me. I grabbed my spatula and hurriedly removed it from the heat. I held it suspended in the air as I reached over and opened the cupboard. Once I’d collected a plate, I flipped the slice over to find that it was completely charred.
I sighed as I stared down at the blackened bread. It was an accurate representation of my life right now. I scraped the spatula against the burned side. “Get it together, Ella,” I said as I tipped my head back and closed my eyes. If this was a predictor of how things were going to go today, this week, or this month, I might as well crawl back into bed and hide under the covers, vowing never to come out.
The situation with Asher was a distraction that I couldn’t afford. Not when I’d just pissed off the wealthiest family in town and my career was most likely non-existent. I needed to be on my A game if I was going to fight back, and I needed my best friend by my side to help me. But said best friend had just walked out on me, and I doubted he had any intention of coming back.
His promise not to abandon me now rang hollow in my mind. I thought he would never lie to me. Now, I wasn’t so sure.
I pulled open the garbage and dumped the offending French toast into the bin. My mind swirled with thoughts as I stared down at it for a moment before bumping the pullout with my hip. It slid closed behind me as I turned back to the griddle.
Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe he wasn’t staying away from me because he was mad. Maybe he was just embarrassed. I couldn’t fault the guy for leaving the way he did. He probably just needed to cool down, and then he’d be back. I’d known Asher for years. He wasn’t going to walk away from me because of this…right?
Our friendship had to be stronger than this. I just needed to make sure his confession didn’t change our relationship. He was going to come to his senses, and we were going to move past this. He was still my friend, no matter what he said.
With this new resolve in my chest, I dipped a piece of bread in the egg and cinnamon batter and then set it on the hot griddle. It popped and sizzled, but I stayed vigilant until one side was a nice crispy brown, then I flipped it to the other side and waited.
With my food finally cooked to an edible level, I grabbed a glass of milk, my plate of French toast that I had amply drizzled with syrup, and utensils before I headed to the dining room. I mindlessly scrolled on my phone while I ate. Once I was stuffed and certain that I couldn’t eat another bite, I leaned back in my chair, stretching my stomach before I stood and gathered my dishes.
I spent the next hour distracting myself with cleaning the kitchen. I cleared out my fridge, wiped it down, and returned the non-expired items to the shelves. I wiped down the countertops and then moved on to sweeping and mopping the floor.
Once I was done and standing on the outskirts of the kitchen, staring at the floor that was slowly drying in front of me, I realized that the only way to truly distract myself long enough to forget about Asher was to get out of my apartment.
Maybe doing some grocery shopping would help me feel better.
I quickly showered and dressed in a black shirt and dark blue jeans. I braided my damp hair before putting on some foundation and mascara so I didn’t look like I was the walking dead. Then I turned off the bathroom light and headed back into the kitchen to grab my purse. After locking up my apartment, I stood in the hallway, staring at the door. I wondered if I should leave a note for Asher just in case he came back, but then I shook my head and pushed that thought from my mind.
I pulled my purse strap higher up on my shoulder and made my way down the hall. Once I was outside, the warmth from the sun washed over me. I squinted and fished around in my purse for my sunglasses as I headed toward my car.
After unlocking the door and climbing in, I started the engine and stared straight ahead for a moment as memories from this morning resurfaced in my mind. My whole body responded to the memory of Asher leaving, and I was thrown back into a tailspin of emotions.
How were we ever going to get over this?
I let that thought marinate before I scrunched up my nose and shook my head. “We’ll be fine,” I whispered as I put my car in reverse and studied the camera screen on the dash as I pulled out of the parking spot.
With my car now pointing in the direction I wanted to go, I put the car in drive.
It was a ten-minute drive to Godwin’s. I cheered inside when I found a parking spot right next to the front doors. If Asher had been in the car with me, he’d pump his fist in the air and high-five me in celebration. That thought made me miss him for the umpteenth time today.
Fear that our relationship was never going to be the same again washed over me, but I forced it to the darkest parts of my mind. We were going to be fine. Our friendship had withstood a lot. It could withstand this.
I grabbed my purse and put the strap on my shoulder as I pulled on the door release and climbed out of my car. After slamming the driver’s door, I pressed the lock button on my key fob and made my way into the store. It took me three carts to find one without a wobbly wheel. Once I was satisfied, I slid my purse off my shoulder and dropped it into the basket as I pushed through the sliding doors.
Godwin’s was quiet when I walked in. Mrs. Godwin was ringing up a customer and called out a “Mornin’,” when I walked past.
I shot her a smile and a nod before I rounded the corner and headed toward the produce.
After I filled my cart with strawberries, apples, and zucchini, I headed toward the meat counter. Ribeye steak sounded like the perfect dinner for a confused heart.
Sal, Godwin’s butcher, pushed open the swinging doors with his back, his gloved hands raised in front of him. He let me know he’d be with me in a minute, he just had to finish processing the meat he was working on. I told him to take his time, to which he gave me a grateful nod. Now alone, I pulled out my phone, rested a foot on the rack under the cart, and leaned both elbows on the handle. I was mindlessly scrolling when I saw movement from the corner of my eye.
I glanced up to see Asher quickly turn left down the cereal aisle. My entire body froze. My heart began to pound, and before I could stop myself, I called out his name. “Asher?”
Was I seeing things? Was that really him? If it was, why was he running away from me? Worry brewed in my stomach as my mind ran wild with possibilities, but they all circled around one central theme: our relationship had changed.
When he didn’t instantly reappear, I let myself believe that I’d imagined it. I was just so upset that I’d somehow conjured him up in my mind. I had just started to relax when he appeared in the entrance of the aisle.
It took a moment for me to process him standing in front of me. So much had changed in such a small amount of time, and in that moment, I wished that more time had passed before we saw each other again. Truth was, I still hadn’t fully digested what he’d said, which meant I wasn’t even close to understanding the implications of his words on our relationship.
I wasn’t sure how long we stood there, staring at each other, but it felt like an eternity. Realizing that he wasn’t going to speak first, I forced a smile.
“Wha-what are you doing here?” I finally managed out, praying that I sounded relaxed and calm but knowing deep down that I did not.
Asher offered me a weak smile as he held up the basket he had his elbow hooked around. “Getting some food.”
I nodded. “Ah.”
One second ticked by. Two seconds ticked by. Say something, Ella!
“Me, too.” I flourished my hand toward my shopping cart in front of me.
This was one of the worst conversations in the history of conversations. I hated that he felt like a stranger. This wasn’t some unknown person, this was Asher. The man I’d been through so much with. Why did he feel so far away from me?
Maybe I needed to say something. Maybe he was waiting for me to clear the air. He was in limbo because of me. Maybe I just needed to be upfront with him, and then slowly we would be able to heal.
“Asher?” I whispered.
His gaze flicked up to meet mine. “Yeah?”
“You will always be my best friend. You know that, right?” I studied him. I was inwardly pleading with him to see that I was willing to forget what he’d said. That I just wanted to go back to what we had before his confession.
My life was a crumbling mess. I sucked at romance. I sucked at keeping myself out of trouble. And I sucked at stability. The only thing that had been constant in my life was Asher, and I feared that I was moments away from losing him. From losing the only steady foundation in my life.
His gaze darkened, and my breath hitched in my throat as fear that he was going to turn and walk away grew inside of me. That he was going to pound the final nail into our friendship, and I was going to be left alone in a town where I didn’t know many people.
Relief washed over me as I saw his expression soften. I watched the light grow in his gaze, and a smile played on his lips. He slowly nodded as he shifted the basket of food to his other arm.
“Yeah, I know.” Then he glanced around. “And you’ll always be my best friend, too.”
The cadence of his voice changed slightly as he spoke the last few words, but I chose not to focus on that. Instead, I celebrated that, perhaps, things could return back to normal at some point. We were going to make it past this hiccup. Our friendship really could withstand anything.
I gave him a wide smile, and he returned it with a similar one. “I’m glad,” I said.
He nodded. “Same.”
I grabbed the handle of the cart and pushed it forward and pulled it back a few times with my foot that was still resting on the bottom rack. I hated the awkward silence between us, but I was taking it as a good sign that he wasn’t sprinting down the aisle.
Baby steps to getting back to normal.
“Well, I should get going,” he said as he lifted his basket. “I’ve got to finish and get out of here.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
Sal pushed through the meat department’s swinging doors. “All righty, Ms. Ella, what can I get you today?”
I glanced over at Sal and offered him an acknowledging smile before I turned back to find that Asher had started to retreat. “We’ll hang out later?” I called out.
Asher glanced over his shoulder at me and nodded. Before I could speak again, he was gone.
I stared at the empty space in front of me. I wanted to feel optimistic that we were going to be okay, I really did, but no amount of positive self-talk could stop the fear that was desperate to take root in my gut. “We’re going to be totally fine,” I whispered, and this time, I said it with my whole chest, hoping that if I said it that way, I would actually believe it.
But that didn’t make a difference. My heart knew the truth, and no amount of gaslighting myself was going to fix that. My relationship with Asher had fundamentally changed. And even though I wanted to believe that we could salvage what we had, there was no way I could go back. Even if I tried my hardest, it didn’t change what I knew was for certain.
There was no way I could just forget what he’d said. But, more importantly, neither could he.