14. Asher
14
ASHER
I was an idiot. A big, stinking idiot.
Only an idiot would think that ignoring their best friend’s text would somehow make their life easier. Now, I was sitting in a bar with my best friend sitting next to me, wondering what the hell I was supposed to say to her.
How did I justify not texting her?
Her text had been so simple. Let your best man know where she needs to meet you for more wedding fun . It would have been so easy to respond to that. Instead, I chose to ignore it. Partly because I didn’t want to tell her that Coralie didn’t want her to be my best man. And partly because I was hurting.
Living my life loving Ella while she didn’t love me back sucked. I wanted my feelings to fade, but they were stubborn. They were clinging to me, and nothing I did seemed to shake them.
Under the table, I flexed the hand that had touched hers.
Nothing I did, no conversations we had or touches we shared, could do anything to convince me that I wanted just a friendship with Ella. I wanted so much more that it was consuming me. And it shouldn’t be.
I was getting married. I was going to have a wife. And yet, my body hadn’t caught on to that fact.
I leaned back against the barstool and took a sip of my beer before setting it back on the table. I needed a distraction, so I was going to listen to this band with every fiber of my being. It was the only way I was going to survive the night.
When the last few chords of the song finished, I set my beer down so that I could cheer and clap. Good. That felt good. The movement helped jostle my body into forgetting what it felt like to touch Ella. To study her.
Maybe if I just kept my gaze forward and my hands to myself, I just might be able to survive tonight.
The song that the band started up next was a slow one. All the couples in the room started making their way to the dance floor, wrapping their arms around each other and holding each other close.
This sucked.
I dropped my gaze to the tabletop and studied the condensation rings left in the wood from years of cold drinks. I traced one with my finger as I counted down the seconds until this song was over and things wouldn’t feel so weird with my best friend sitting next to me.
Movement from the corner of my eye had me looking up to see Ella watching me. I offered her a weak smile before dropping my gaze once more.
Heat washed over me as I felt Ella lean close. “Wanna dance?” she whispered.
If there hadn’t been a lull in the song, I might have missed her question entirely. Man, I wished I hadn’t heard what she’d asked. It was one thing to reject Ella’s text. It was a whole other thing to reject her to her face.
That was one thing I wasn’t capable of doing.
I did the most idiotic thing since declaring my feelings for her–I looked up. Her eyes were wide, and her gaze shy as she studied me. There was something so familiar about the look in her eyes, and at the same time, there was so much that was different. We’d been friends for so long, but our previous friendship had died.
I feared what had replaced it. Could we continue to be friends? I’d thought we would be able to move on from this awkward stage, but now I wasn’t so certain.
Not wanting to overanalyze what was going on between us, I let my mind still and just answered from my heart.
“Yes,” I said as I extended my hand.
She paused before she set her hand in mine and allowed me to help her down from the barstool. I led her onto the dance floor, not letting go of her hand. This was the first time in weeks that I’d felt close to Ella, and I needed it.
My soul needed it.
Once I found a small opening on the floor, I turned to face her. Her gaze slowly lifted to meet mine as I stepped closer. My left hand found her waist, and I turned my right hand so I could cradle hers. She brought her other hand to my shoulder and rested it there.
We danced in silence for a few seconds. I wondered if she wanted me to talk, but I also feared what I might say if I did, so I just kept quiet. I wasn’t sure where to look, so I spent the time with her pulled in close, staring above her head. I hated the tension that had built up between us. I wished that I could make things go back to normal, but I was beginning to accept that normal was no longer possible for us. And that made me sad.
“Why are you changing?” Ella’s voice was soft, and I almost missed her question. I glanced down to see that she was staring up at me. She looked so…sad. And it broke me.
“What do you mean?” I asked as I pulled her closer to me to avoid running her into another couple.
I felt her body tense for a moment before she relaxed. “You love meat. You eat bacon every morning for breakfast. And how on earth do you make a cake without eggs in it?”
She glanced up at me, and for the first time in a long time, I saw the Ella I’d known for so many years. The Ella that would fight me until her last breath if she thought she was in the right.
And maybe if our relationship hadn’t fundamentally changed, her statements wouldn’t have been so startling. But our relationship was different. So much so, that hearing what she had to say made my skin hot. She was holding a magnifying glass to my relationship with Coralie and listing off all the reasons we shouldn’t be together like she was some expert at love.
“You make concessions when you’re in love,” I said.
She blinked. “Really? Changing fundamental things about yourself is making a concession ?” She shook her head. “She shouldn’t be asking you to change like that. She should be accepting you.”
It hurt me that she saw Coralie this way. It hurt to hear what she truly thought. I wanted these important women in my life to get along, but neither of them was willing to accept the other. Coralie didn’t want Ella around, and I was getting the impression Ella felt the same about Coralie.
“What about…Chad? Was that his name? Does he accept you fully?” If she thought I’d forgotten about Mr. Bar Guy, she had another thing coming.
Her eyes were wide as she stared up at me. “That’s different,” she said.
I scoffed. “Different? How? He seems like just another Scott.” I shook my head. “I may make concessions, but you pick bad apples.” The words were spilling from my lips before I could stop them. But if she wanted to get honest, I could get honest.
Her eyes were wide, and I could see her processing what I’d said. “Thank you for finally telling me what you really think of my dating life,” she said, her voice quiet and reserved. “I may make mistakes, but at least I don’t get engaged to them.”
I may be drowning myself in mistakes, but one thing was for sure, Coralie wasn’t going to be one of them. My marriage to her was going to make a lot of people happy. I would make sure of it.
“Marrying Coralie isn’t a mistake,” I said as I narrowed my eyes. “And if you were a true friend, you’d support me in my happiness.”
My words seemed to startle her. Her lips parted slightly as if she were moments away from speaking but was reanalyzing what she was going to say.
“Are you really happy?” she asked.
I started to nod, but then she shook her head.
“Look me in the eye and tell me that you are happy. With words.”
I slowly stopped moving side to side with the beat of the music. I stilled as I stared into her eyes. “I’m?—”
“Just remember that we promised we would never lie to each other.”
I closed my lips for a moment as I held her gaze. Her deep brown eyes made me feel like I was swimming in them as she held my gaze with equal intensity. She was waiting for me to mess up, and I knew if I did she would see it.
So I mustered images of my dad and George. I replayed the moment when we told Coralie’s parents we were getting married. I let all the reasons why I had proposed in the first place flood my mind before I took in a deep breath and said, “I am happy.”
Ella held my gaze. I could see her analyzing my performance. For a moment, I wondered if she’d caught the lie, but then she slowly started to nod.
“Then I’m happy for you,” she whispered.
We finished the dance in silence. Once the band ended the slow song and an upbeat one took its place, I told her that I’d heard enough to feel good about booking the band, and asked if she was ready to get out of there.
She nodded and followed after me as I led her through the crowd to the front door. My ears were ringing as I stepped out of the bar. I could feel the gravel crunch under my shoes as we walked across the parking lot and over to my truck.
I stopped at her door and held it open as she climbed inside. Once she was situated, I shut her door and jogged around the front to climb in beside her.
We kept our conversation light. I asked her how the articles were coming, and she told me not to worry, I was going to be happy when I read it. My thoughts returned to the article that she’d written about the Proctors and how I’d never really apologized for being upset with her.
She’d had every right to call me out on working with the Proctors. She had been protecting residents of Harmony when she decided to write that article, while I had only been worried about my bruised ego.
I made so many mistakes that day, and I hated that she had taken the brunt of those mistakes. She really was a true friend. One that, if I lost, I would be hard-pressed to find anyone like her again.
When I got to her complex, I told her that I’d walk her to her apartment. She waited for me to round the truck and pull open her door. Once her feet were firmly planted on the ground and she’d stepped out of the way, I shut the door behind her.
We walked side by side across the parking lot to the complex’s main door.
“Why didn’t you text me back?” she asked as she punched in the code at her door and a loud buzzing sounded as she pulled it open.
“I’m sorry about that,” I said, reaching over her head to hold the door so she could pass through. And that was the truth. I was sorry about that. “I saw it and then got distracted.” That was a partial truth. I’d been distracted with how to tell her that Coralie didn’t want her to be my best man, so I’d stupidly thought avoidance was the better option.
“Let’s not get distracted again,” she said as she glanced at me from over her shoulder. “You had me thinking something was wrong.” Her voice was low, and I had to lean in to make sure I was catching everything she said.
“I promise,” I said as I followed her to her apartment.
Once we got to her door, she paused and then turned to face me. Her gaze met mine, and for a moment, I was brought back to that morning a few weeks ago when I’d come here with the newspaper in hand. I dropped my gaze, unable to handle the frustration I felt with myself. I’d been so brokenhearted that I’d just reacted. If I could take back the things I’d said, I would.
I would do anything to change that day.
“I’m really sorry, El,” I said softly as I slowly brought my gaze up to meet hers.
“I got that.” She studied me. I could feel her hesitancy.
“Not just about the text…” I blew out my breath. “I’m sorry for all of it. I’m sorry I got mad about the article. I’m sorry that I said the things I did. I’m sorry I changed our relationship.” I gave her a weak smile. “You truly are the best friend I could have ever asked for.”
When she didn’t respond right away, I feared that I’d said the wrong thing. I watched her, trying to judge her reaction but coming up empty-handed because this woman was so unreadable to me. I used to know what she was thinking before she even said anything. Now, I was having a hard time understanding even when she spoke her feelings out loud to me.
“Thanks, Asher. That means a lot to me.” She stepped forward with her arms stretched out.
I didn’t hesitate. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her toward me. It felt so good, hugging her. Not only because my feelings for Ella were still as poignant as the day I spoke them out loud to her, but also because I missed my friend. This hug meant that we just might be on the right path.
And I wanted that more than anything.
“I should hit the hay,” Ella said as she pulled away and then stepped back.
“Yeah, me too.” I pushed my hand through my hair and offered her a small smile.
She fished her keys out of her purse. I waited while she found the right one, inserted it into the door handle, and then turned. She stepped into her apartment, and I took that as my sign to leave.
“Asher?” she called after me as I started heading down the hall.
“Yeah?” I asked, turning to face her.
“Good night.” Her smile was shy as she studied me.
“Good night, Ella.”
She nodded and disappeared into her apartment, closing her door behind her.
I waited a second longer just to make sure she was safely behind her door, and then I headed down the hallway and out the front door. I unlocked my truck as I approached and then climbed into the driver’s seat and started the engine.
Thoughts swirled around my mind as I drove back to my place and parked behind my building. I thought the quiet drive would help me feel less confused, but no solutions came to mind as I shut my apartment door and tossed my keys into the bowl.
I showered and dressed in a pair of pajama bottoms. I ran my hand through my damp hair and sighed.
I knew that Coralie wanted me to effectively end my relationship with Ella. I knew she wanted me to tell her that she could no longer be my best man. The problem was, I wasn’t ready to walk away from my friendship with Ella.
I just didn’t know how to tell my future wife that Ella was going to be in my life for as long as Ella wanted to be.