17. Asher
17
ASHER
This was a mistake.
A huge, colossal mistake. One that could have been avoided if I had actually done what Coralie wanted me to do and told Ella she couldn’t be my best man. But I was a glutton for punishment, and had asked Ella to come with me to get a tux. Now I was sitting here in what felt like hell, watching my best friend stand in front of me with a hopeful gaze while wearing a dress that I was struggling to peel my eyes away from.
Before this moment, I’d wanted to believe that I was going to have the strength to walk away from Ella come Saturday. But now it felt impossible.
“How do I look?” Ella asked, a shy expression passing over her face as she softly swished her dress.
That felt like a trick question. If I told her the truth, the open and raw truth, I knew it would scare her, given our recent history. But I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t like her dress either.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
“Adequate,” was the first word that popped into my head, but as soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. I stifled a wince as soon as I heard the word leave my lips.
“Adequate?” Ella asked as she raised her eyebrows.
I’d already said it, I might as well lean in to it. “Adequate,” I said, this time with more confidence.
“Adequate,” Ella whispered as she glanced down at her dress.
“I hardly think she looks adequate,” Nancy piped up, appearing next to Ella and motioning for her to step up onto the pedestal. “This dress was made for her.” She huffed. “ Adequate .”
Ella ran her hands down the skirt as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.
I couldn’t help but stare at her. Nancy was right. Although I could never admit it, this dress was made for Ella. It made her soft skin glow. It hugged her body in all the right places and accented her femininity. And all I could think about was how it would feel against my skin.
I wanted to pull Ella close and protect her. I wanted Ella to be mine. I wanted to be the man who got to stare at Ella, openly in love. But I could never be that man. She was never going to want me like I wanted her. Ever.
It hurt to see her in front of me looking this beautiful. It broke my soul.
Seconds ticked by, but it felt like an eternity as I watched Ella inspect the dress. Then her gaze drifted down the mirror until it locked with mine. Suddenly, we were just staring at each other. There was a haziness to her gaze that I’d never seen before and didn’t quite know how to interpret.
What was she trying to say? Did I want to know?
“Ella?” It took a moment for me to realize that Nancy was standing between us with Ella’s phone raised. A loud, piercing noise was coming from it. “You have a phone call.”
Ella pulled her gaze from me and turned it to Nancy. “Oh, thank you,” she said as Nancy closed the space between them so Ella could take the phone.
I watched as she studied her phone screen. A slight frown formed on her lips as she tapped the screen and then brought her phone up to her ear. “Hello?”
Grateful for this break, I dropped my gaze to the ground and stared at my shoes. I hated myself for not being stronger. Ella was my friend and yet, every time I was around her, all I wanted to do with her were things friends didn’t do.
I was never going to be strong enough to just be around Ella anymore. Opening Pandora’s box by telling her about my feelings had not only strained my friendship with Ella, but it also made it impossible for me to keep those feelings stifled. I had breathed life into them, and they were going to stick around. I was never going to be free of them.
“Chad?”
My ears perked as I glanced up to see Ella’s frown deepen.
“Oh! Right.” Her frown quickly morphed to a smile. “Right, yes, I remember you. Chad.”
How could she have forgotten about Chad? I remembered Chad, and I’d only spoken to him for a few minutes.
“Am I free Friday?” Her gaze drifted to meet mine. “Let me think…am I free Friday?” She raised her eyebrows as if to ask me what I thought.
I wanted to tell her, no, she wasn’t free on Friday. I wanted to be the only one she spent her Friday’s with. But she didn’t want me like that, so I just shrugged and then nodded.
Her eyes widened as if she was asking me, are you sure ? I gave her another nod, and she turned her focus back to her reflection.
“I guess I am free on Friday.” Her voice was soft, and for a moment, I allowed myself to think that she sounded disappointed. It was a stupid and inaccurate thought, but it made me feel better.
“Sounds good. I’ll send you my address.” She paused. “You, too. Bye.”
Relief flooded my body as she pulled her phone from her cheek and tapped on the screen. Even though she’d just made plans with another man, at least it was over. I took in a deep breath, and blew it out.
That was a form of torture I wouldn’t wish on my greatest enemy.
“Nancy?” Ella’s voice drew my attention upwards as I saw Nancy appear from an open door to our left.
“Yes, dear?”
“I’ll take this dress,” she said as she stepped down from the pedestal and started to make her way towards the fitting rooms.
I turned my attention back to my phone, hoping to distract my broken heart with mindless scrolling. A few minutes later, Ella had changed and was holding up the dress on a hanger. She was focused on Nancy, who was walking next to her as she made her way around the pedestal and over to the register.
I stood and kept my distance as Ella checked out. Once she had her receipt in hand, and the dress was slipped into a protective sleeve, she turned to face me. Needing something to do, I stepped forward, and my fingers brushed hers as I moved to take the dress from her.
“Allow me,” I said, my voice dropping low from the jolt of electricity that raced through my body from her touch.
“Oh…okay,” she whispered. “Thanks.”
There was something about her voice that sent tingles across my skin. I forced myself to ignore that reaction and smile. “Sure,” I said.
I followed closely behind her as she made her way to the front doors. As soon as we neared, I leaned forward and pressed on the door release, holding the door open for her.
We walked out to her car in silence. I wanted to say something, I just wasn’t sure what. It was like the more I wanted to hold onto her, the faster she was slipping away from me.
Time was passing by, and with each tick of the clock, our relationship was nearing the point where it would fundamentally change. It invoked a pain in me that I couldn’t describe. At the end of this, Ella would still be alive, but our relationship would be dead.
My heart mourned what we used to have.
When we got to her car, I waited until the door locks clicked before I opened her driver’s door. She paused and looked up at me, her gaze unreadable.
What I would have given to be able to read her thoughts right then.
“Thanks, Asher,” she whispered as she dropped her gaze and then slipped onto her seat.
“You’re welcome, Ella.” I waited for her to nod before I shut her door.
With her safely in her car, I made my way to the door behind her and pulled it open. I hung her dress on the hook in the ceiling and, before I shut the door, I made sure that the dress was fully inside.
I stepped away from her car and waved to let her know that it was safe for her to back out. She nodded, pulled out of the parking spot, and drove off.
Now alone, my shoulders sank as I took in a deep breath. I closed my eyes and tipped my face upward, allowing myself to feel the pain that came from loving a friend that could never love you back.
I just prayed that, at some point, my love for Coralie would overpower the pain I felt from losing Ella. I hoped that I would find peace.
That was all I wanted.
Not wanting to give Nancy or Ralph anything to gossip about, I hurried over to my truck and climbed inside. I started the engine and then pulled out of the parking spot. I blared my radio as I drove back to Harmony. It was nice to numb my brain with something other than my thoughts.
When I got to my apartment, I turned off the engine and climbed out of my truck with my tux in hand. I threw my keys in the air a few times as I crossed the parking lot and headed into my building.
Once inside, I kicked off my shoes and dumped my keys on the kitchen counter before finding a place in the closet for my tux.
I took a hot shower and wrapped a towel around my waist as I stepped onto the thin bath mat Coralie had insisted I buy to replace the one Ella had gifted me. My phone chimed. I reached over and flipped the screen up to see that it was a text from Ella.
I finished securing the towel, brushed the water droplets from my hair, and then picked up my phone.
Ella: I’m so sorry, Asher. I don’t think I can be your best man.
I stared at her words, reading them over and over again in my head. She couldn’t be my best man? Why? This solved my issue with Coralie without making me the big, bad guy who turned his back on his friend, but this wasn’t Ella. She wouldn’t do this.
But I also couldn’t beg her to stay. If she had one foot out the door, who was I to reach out and try to pull her back.
Me: Bummer. You sure?
Seconds ticked by.
Ella: Yeah. I’m sure. I am happy for you, though.
I hated those kinds of platitudes. They were used with people you were just introduced to. They weren’t the kind of thing you said to a friend. At least, not a friend you’ve known as long as I’d known Ella.
Me: Thanks, Ella. That means a lot.
Ella: You’re welcome, Asher.
Ugh, this conversation was starting to sound like a job interview. I hated it. I hated all of this. Why couldn’t we just find a place that we could get back to? Why did so much have to change in such a short amount of time.
Seconds ticked by as I stared at my screen. Our relationship had changed so much, should I still send her one of my dad jokes? Had we retreated to a place where that was no longer appreciated?
I tipped my head back and took in a deep breath. Then, I grabbed my phone and hurriedly typed a joke before I talked myself out of it.
Me: Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
It took her longer than normal to respond. A few months ago, her reply would have been instantaneous.
Ella: Why?
Me: Because they don’t have the guts.
She sent me a laughing meme, and for a moment, our relationship felt normal. But then, reality sunk in. I left my phone on the bathroom vanity and headed into my room to dress in some pajamas.
I had some houses to send to a client, and then I was going to watch some mind-numbing TV and hopefully fall asleep on the couch. My goal was not to think about Ella for the rest of the night.
Problem was, I’d never been good at sticking to my goals.