20. Ella
20
ELLA
I adored Asher’s mom. She had always been so sweet to me. She was funny and outgoing, and I’d looked up to her like a second mom.
But right now, with her words ringing in my ears, I wanted to disown her. Kissing, Asher. Did she just say that? And did I just agree to it? I blinked a few times, trying to force my brain to process what was happening.
“Mom, don’t force Ella to do this.” Asher’s voice cut through my confusion. I glanced up to see him offering me an apologetic smile as he stepped toward us. “She’s here on a date.”
Asher’s mom tightened her grip. “It’s just a kiss. It’s not like it means anything.” She turned me away from Asher like she was afraid he was going to whisk me away. “You don’t mind, do you, Ella? It’s to pay for his champagne on his wedding night.” I glanced down to see her staring up at me. “You can kiss Asher for a good cause.”
My mind was spinning, and my heart was pounding. So many emotions were coursing through me that I feared if I tried to speak, I was going to say the wrong thing. After Wednesday at the bridal shop, I hadn’t been able to forget Asher. He occupied my thoughts, and no matter how hard I tried to think about something else, I always came back to him, his marriage, and how in twenty-four hours, I was going to lose him for good.
My heart was breaking. I’d thought going out with Chad would make me feel better, but I’d been wrong. Being with Chad just made me realize how much I missed Asher. And now, standing in front of him, his gaze meeting mine, I realized why I’d felt so sick all week.
I was in love with Asher.
I was in love with my best friend.
“Ella?”
I turned to Mrs. Wolfe’s voice. “Hmm?” I asked.
“You’ll kiss, Asher, right?” She leaned in. “It’s for a good cause,” she repeated.
Mrs. Wolfe and I had very different definitions of a good cause. Providing alcohol for her son’s wedding night wouldn’t make my list. But I was also Asher’s friend. How would it look if I said no? Would he suspect that I had feelings for him? Would his mom?
“Mom.” Asher’s respond was curt as he stared down at her. “Let Ella go.”
Mrs. Wolfe glanced from me to Asher and then back to me. She dropped her arm and took a step back. “I’m so sorry. I just got excited,” she whispered as she brought her hands up to her cheeks and pressed on them a few times. “I think I drank too much.”
“It’s okay,” I said as I offered her an understanding smile.
She grinned back up at me. “You were always such a sweet girl. Asher’s lucky to have you as a best friend.”
My stomach sank at her compliment. A good best friend didn’t dip out on her friend’s wedding when things got complicated. I was anything but a good friend to Asher.
“It’s okay, Mom. Why don’t you come sit over here?” Asher stepped forward and lifted his arm to wrap it around his mom’s shoulder.
He must have misjudged the space between us, because as he moved, his hand brushed my arm. Goosebumps instantly raced across my skin from his touch. The sensation startled me so much that I recoiled.
I hoped that Asher hadn’t noticed, but when I glanced up, I saw him drop his gaze and his jaw muscles flinched. Crap. I wanted to explain to him why I’d reacted that way, but I couldn’t find the words. And this was his literal bachelor party. I couldn’t tell him that my feelings had changed.
If I did, I would go down in history as the world’s worst friend. It was better for me to just stand back and let him be happy.
“Sorry for interrupting your date, El,” he said as he gave me a soft smile. “You’re free to go.”
My stomach twisted from the depth of his gaze. We had drifted so far apart. It felt like I was on one side of a ravine and he was on the other. We used to be so close, and now there was an enormous chasm between us. One that I feared we would never figure out how to cross.
“It’s okay, Asher. I loved catching up with your mom.” I reached out and hugged Mrs. Wolfe. “It was good to see you.”
She returned the hug. “You, too.”
I gave them both a smile before I headed back over to Chad. He was sitting at a table with the drink I’d asked him to order me before I slipped off to the bathroom. He had his arm resting on the back of the booth and a curious expression on his face.
“What was that about?” he asked as I slid in next to him.
He shifted his arm so it plopped onto my shoulder, the sudden weight startling me. I glanced over to see him reach out, grab his beer, and take a drink.
“Just Asher’s mom. She was happy to see me.” I grabbed my margarita and took a sip.
I really wasn’t in the mood to drink. In all honesty, I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. I had to force myself to shower and get dressed for this date. Going out with Chad was the first time since my outing with Asher that I’d actually left the house.
I’d wanted to cancel the date, but one look at my reflection, and I knew I needed to go out. I feared who I would become if I let myself wallow too long.
Historically, the only person who could get me out of a slump was getting married tomorrow. If I didn’t want to die alone in my apartment, surrounded by empty Mr. Cheng’s takeout boxes, I needed to do something. Even if that something had been an hour late to pick me up only to run out of gas in front of my apartment, forcing me to drive. It didn’t end there, though. He’d also accidentally forgotten his wallet at home.
This date was already going terribly and adding Asher into the mix just sealed its fate. But I was here, I might as well make the best of it.
I tried to have a light conversation with Chad while, at the same time, trying to ignore the crowd that had formed around Asher and his party. They were getting ready for the kissing game—whatever that was—and a ton of women seemed eager to join. They were all holding twenties in the air while Mrs. Wolfe walked around collecting them in a jar.
There were a few women I recognized, but the rest were strangers. And I didn’t know how I felt about strangers kissing my best friend.
“Come on, party pooper.” A hand reached out and grabbed mine.
Startled, I turned to see Claire standing there with an incredulous look on her face.
“I called Shelby, and she told me that it is your responsibility as his best friend to be in that line.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a twenty. “My treat.”
My stomach flip-flopped. “I’m good. I really am.”
“What do you want her to do?” Chad asked.
Claire glanced over at him. “It’s just a kissing game. He’s blindfolded and all the single women in the bar kiss him for twenty dollars. The money goes to pay for something for the wedding night.”
“Champagne for the wedding night.” Acid rose in my throat at the thought.
“Like champagne for the wedding night,” Claire agreed as she motioned toward me.
“Why aren’t you in line, then? Isn’t he, like, your best friend?” Chad’s question had me turning to look at him.
“That’s what I’m saying,” Claire said. “You would think, as his best friend, she’d be first in line.”
I really wanted this conversation to end.
“It’s not like you have feelings for the guy.” Chad snorted.
My gaze whipped to his. Is that what people were going to think if I didn’t go over there? “I don’t have feelings for him,” I lied.
“So why aren’t you over there?” He raised his eyebrows as he tipped his beer back.
“I was worried you would feel lonely.” That seemed like a reasonable response.
Chad shook his head. “Naw, I’m good.”
“See,” Claire said as she pulled on my hand. “Now, come on.”
My body felt like it was moving on its own as I scooted out of the booth and stood. My mind was blaring warning bells, but my feet weren’t listening as I let Claire drag me across the bar over to where the line had formed. Asher was sitting on a barstool with his blindfold on, waiting for the next girl.
My heart felt like it was a horse in the Kentucky Derby, which Asher had dragged me to two years ago. It was leaping and kicking inside of my chest, ready to break free.
“Excuse me,” Claire said as she pushed through the line and brought me over to stand at the front, effectively cutting off the blonde woman who was next. She protested, but Claire just glared at her. “She gets priority,” Claire said as she grabbed my shoulders and guided me to where she wanted me to stand.
I offered the woman a sheepish smile, but she just scoffed and rolled her eyes. I turned my focus forward and watched as a brunette woman leaned in and pressed her lips to Asher’s.
Suddenly, the weight of what I was about to do came crashing down on my shoulders. I was about to kiss Asher. Asher!
I drew in my breath, hoping to squelch the desire to sprint out of the pub and run far, far away from here. Everyone else seemed to know that it was going to be a benign kiss. But I knew better. I knew that as soon as I kissed Asher, I was never going to be the same. Our relationship would permanently change, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
But I also didn’t want to walk away. I wanted to stand right here because…I wanted to kiss Asher.
“You’re up,” Claire said as she grabbed my shoulders and pushed me toward Asher and shoved a twenty into Mrs. Wolfe’s jar.
Mrs. Wolfe didn’t seem startled at all to see me standing there. She had the widest smile I’d ever seen on her face. When I met her gaze, she just nodded and motioned toward Asher.
Realizing there was no way I was going to get out of this, I closed the space between me and Asher. My heart was pounding so hard that I wondered if he could hear it. It was echoing in my ears. My body felt light and flushed at the same time. Never in my life had I ever been this nervous to kiss someone.
Asher must have sensed me when I approached because his lips tipped up into a soft smile. “Hi,” he said, his voice low. “Nice to meet you.”
I didn’t want to speak. I didn’t want him to know it was me kissing him. I wanted this moment between us, and I feared what he would do if he realized that it was me standing in front of him. I felt so torn. I wanted to leave and forget that I ever stood there. But I also wanted this.
I wanted him.
I raised my hands and placed them on his cheeks. His scruff was rough against the palm of my hands. His expression stilled as he kept his face upturned toward me. I braced myself for what I was about to do. I needed to prepare myself for this.
And then I leapt. I leaned in and brushed my lips against his. It was featherlike and only lasted for a second before I pulled away. I stared down at his blindfold, wishing that he could see me and I could see him. But at the same time, I felt so grateful that I was protected by the fabric.
His expression stilled before his eyebrows knit together. “Ella?” he whispered. His breathing shifted to something deep and soulful. It matched my own.
Suddenly, his hand was on my cheek with his fingers threaded in my hair. He rose up from his chair as his other hand found my waist and he pulled me back to him. Our lips crashed together once more. This time, the kiss was desperate.
I wrapped my arms around him. I never wanted to let him go. Nothing in my life had felt this right. I was made to kiss Asher. I just wished he felt the same.
“Okay, okay. He has other ladies to kiss,” a female voice said, as my shoulder was pushed as if she were trying to break us apart.
I didn’t want to stop, but I knew I had to. Eventually, I was going to have to walk away from Asher. Eventually, our friendship would be over and I’d just be a person from his past. Better it happen now instead of later.
I pulled back and hurried away, my fingers instinctively going to my lips. I was desperate to hold onto the moment I just shared with Asher. That kiss was seared on my lips and my memory. I didn’t look back as I hurried through the crowd and over to the table where Chad was sitting. He was on his third drink and looked sufficiently buzzed.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I grabbed my purse and pulled out a twenty to throw on the table. “We’re never going to work.” I didn’t wait for him to respond as I turned and made my way out of the pub and into the pouring rain. I ran to my car.
I stood next to the driver’s door with rain running down my face as I fumbled around in my purse for my keys. I needed to get out of here so I could cry because my heart was shattering in my chest. Finally, I found the key fob and unlocked the door. Just as I pulled on the handle, a hand grabbed the door.
I glanced up to see Asher standing there. He was drenched as he stared down at me. His eyebrows were knit together, and his chest was rising and falling with each breath.
“What was that?” he asked, his voice loud so I could hear him over the storm.
A tear slid down my face. In that moment, I was grateful for the rain. “What was what?” I asked.
He took a step back like I had slapped him. He studied me before he shook his head. “That kiss, Ella. What was that?”
I stifled a sob as I held his gaze. “It was a kiss. That’s all.”
His gaze darkened. “Really?”
No. Not really. That wasn’t just a kiss. To me, it was everything. But he was engaged. He loved another woman, and he was marrying her tomorrow. I didn’t deserve him. He was on his path to happiness, and I was the stupid one who’d changed her mind.
Asher deserved so much more than me.
“Yes,” I whispered.
He took a step back as he pushed his hand through his hair. He studied me for a moment before he cursed under his breath and dropped his gaze. Seconds felt like hours as I waited for him to look up at me again. When he did, his gaze searched mine as if he were looking for a different answer.
I was determined he would never find it.
“Goodbye, Asher,” I said as I reached out for an awkward handshake.
He studied my outstretched hand for a moment before he wrapped his fingers around mine. “Goodbye, Ella.”
I slipped my hand out of his and then turned back to my car. I opened the driver’s door and climbed inside, and I didn’t hesitate as I slammed my door shut. I started my engine, and by the time I turned to look over my shoulder, Asher was gone. Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I drove through the parking lot and out onto the street.
I was sobbing by the time I got home. I didn’t bother to turn on any lights as I kicked off my shoes and tossed my purse on the kitchen counter. I shuffled to my bedroom, where I undressed and let the soaking wet clothes drop to the floor. Then I crawled into bed and hid under my comforter.
I cried until I had no more tears left to cry, and then I just lay there, my heart breaking as I thought about Asher and our past. Losing Asher had felt manageable when he’d been my best friend. But now, he was the man I loved, and I feared that I was never, ever going to heal. I was going to be shattered.
Forever.