Chapter 39
39
Flynn somehow managed to shuffle me across to the chaise, still holding me and stroking my hair – something he’d always do to soothe me anytime I was upset or feeling ill. With the energy expended from my outburst, the cold really took hold and I couldn’t stop shivering. Flynn slipped off the zipped jacket he’d been wearing under his coat and helped me into it. Initially the warmth from his body transferred to me and hugged me but that soon faded and I was shivering again. He left me for a moment and returned with one of the curtains from the packing crates, wrapping it round me like a cloak.
‘You look like one of three kings in a school nativity play,’ he said, making me laugh.
Next minute I crumbled again as I thought of Noah as a young boy.
‘Do you remember when Noah was a king and his crown came apart?’ I asked.
‘I’ll never forget him standing in the middle of the stage demanding they stop the nativity until one of the teachers stapled it back together for him.’
‘Completely upstaged the little girl playing Mary. What was her name?’
‘Maddie Weston. I don’t think she ever forgave him.’
There was a pause and I wiped my cheeks.
‘Feeling any warmer?’ Flynn asked.
‘Much. You should grab one yourself.’
He disappeared and returned moments later wrapped in a matching curtain.
‘What else do you remember about Noah?’ I asked.
Whenever I thought about Noah, the first image that always popped into my head was the day I found him and, when I pushed that aside, my focus was invariably on the last six to eight months of his life, searching for signs that I’d missed. I rarely remembered him as an innocent young boy. I feared that the eighteen-year-old Noah who’d died of a drug overdose had eradicated those memories so it had been a special moment just now thinking about him in the nativity.
‘I remember that phase where he was obsessed with space and aliens.’
I frowned at Flynn, not recalling it.
‘He’d stayed over at your mum and dad’s for the weekend and your dad decided they’d watch a few films from our childhood. He became obsessed with E.T. Made your poor dad watch it three or four times that weekend.’
‘Oh, gosh, yes. Didn’t he want a Speak & Spell for his birthday?’
‘Yes! He wanted to communicate with the aliens so we indulged him and he lost interest in it within five minutes.’
We spent the next couple of hours sharing stories from Noah’s childhood, most of which made us laugh, some of which were poignant. I’d refused to talk about Noah for so long and wondered why when I could feel the conversation doing me so much good. Every so often, Flynn got up, swished his curtain cloak, and ventured over to the door, but it remained stuck fast. All we could hope was that, when Rosie finished at the stables, she’d notice Flynn’s van still parked by the hall and come searching for us.
Flynn’s stomach rumbled loudly and I checked the time on my phone – 4.06p.m. – meaning we’d not only missed lunch but teatime was rapidly approaching.
‘I’m hungry too,’ I admitted. I’d skipped breakfast because I’d been nervous about spending the morning with Flynn. ‘And I’m really thirsty.’
‘In that case, come with me,’ he said, taking hold of my hand.
He led me a little way into the cellar and shone his torch behind a dressing room screen. I was expecting it to illuminate the wall but there was an arched opening to another room.
‘Go inside,’ he said.
I stepped through the archway and gasped at all the dust and cobweb-covered wine bottles resting in racks. There had to be hundreds of them.
Flynn reached for one, blew the dust away and read the label. ‘Nineteen sixty-three. I hear that’s a good vintage.’
‘You can’t be serious.’
‘You said you’re thirsty.’
‘But that bottle could be worth a fortune.’
‘Or it could be rank. Either way, I’m sure Rosie and Oliver wouldn’t begrudge us one bottle after we’ve been stuck down here for over five hours. We just need something to open it with.’
There was a ledge between the racks with some dusty wine glasses on it, also covered in cobwebs, and I spotted a corkscrew hanging from a hook above it.
‘Could that open the door?’
‘Doubtful,’ Flynn said, ‘but I can try. Can I suggest we open the bottle first in case we break the corkscrew on the door and we can’t get out but we can’t have a drink either?’
‘Okay.’
The corkscrew didn’t work on the door but Flynn admitted it had been worth a try. He offered me the first drink so I took a tentative sip just in case it was rank, but it was actually delicious. I didn’t drink red wine very often but, if I did, I liked it to be really smooth like this. I took a bigger glug and handed the bottle to Flynn.
We returned to the chaise, passing the wine back and forth. With no food to soak up the alcohol, it went straight to our heads and the conversation soon moved away from the happy childhood anecdotes to our split.
‘Why was it so important to you to find out what happened?’ Flynn asked after he returned from the wine cellar with a second bottle.
How many times had I asked myself that same question over the years?
‘It didn’t tally,’ I said. ‘Noah and drugs, I mean. Why? Since when? I needed answers.’
He was silent for a while and I took another glug.
‘I think there’s more to it than that,’ he said, his voice gentle. ‘Come on, Mel, just tell me.’
I shook my head, my heart pounding as I fixed my eyes on the floor. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to explain, but could I bear to say the words?
He gently raised my chin. ‘Please, Mel. I know there’s something.’
My lips trembled as my biggest fear threatened to overwhelm me. I thought I’d unleashed everything that had been building up inside me but it felt like there was more to come and another kind word from Flynn would break me again.
‘Don’t,’ I whispered, tears trailing down my cheeks, but I could understand why he wouldn’t want to leave it.
‘Whatever it is, it made you run and stay away and it’s still eating away at you, isn’t it?’ His voice was so tender, so encouraging. ‘I’m right here and I’m listening.’
‘It’s my fault!’ I cried, springing to my feet. ‘It’s my fault Noah died.’
‘How?’
‘Because I was too consumed by my work to notice that our son was spiralling.’
Flynn jumped up, shaking his head. ‘No! You can’t blame yourself for that.’
My cloak slipped to the floor as I raked my fingers into my hair, clutching a bunch in each hand. ‘I can and I do. I should have known he’d lost touch with his friends, broken up with Jessie and was failing at college. There’d have been signs and I missed them all.’
Flynn gently eased my hands out of my hair and held them between his. ‘So did I, but I’m not blaming myself.’
‘But you weren’t at home as often as me,’ I cried, pulling my hands from his grasp and pacing up and down as I ranted. ‘I worked there. I was in the house with him so often and I was completely oblivious to everything going on in his life. I should have picked up on something. I should have realised. My fault.’
I sank back down onto the chaise, my energy zapped, silent tears dripping onto my T-shirt. I’d finally said it. I’d said the words out loud that had haunted me for all these years.
Flynn sat down beside me and put his arm around me.
‘Have I got this right?’ he asked. ‘You became fixated on finding the truth because you were trying to ease your own conscience?’
‘Something like that.’
‘I couldn’t disagree more strongly. It wasn’t your fault, Mel. You did nothing wrong. Noah was eighteen. He spent most of his time shut away in his room and he kept things from us, just like most teenagers. I don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself and do you know what? If Noah was here, he wouldn’t blame you either.’
His voice cracked and he released a deep shuddery breath. I felt his pain at my revelation and slipped my hand into his.
‘I should have been honest with you back then,’ I said.
‘What stopped you?’
‘Fear that you’d agree with me.’
‘Mel, I’d never?—’
‘I know that, but my head was such a mess. I couldn’t think straight about anything.’
Flynn picked up the curtain and draped it back round me before passing me the bottle of wine. I took a glug and passed it back to him to do the same.
‘Do you still want to know the truth?’ he asked eventually.
‘Yes!’ I said without hesitation. ‘Even though there’s nothing I can do about it now, I still want to know who Noah’s new friends were and who gave him the drugs. It wouldn’t answer all my questions but it’d be something and it might help me find a way to shift the blame from me to them and to forgive myself.’
Silence settled on us again, the only sound being the slosh of the wine in the bottle as we intermittently passed it back and forth until Flynn announced we’d finished it and a third bottle probably wasn’t a good idea. I agreed wholeheartedly. My head was so fuzzy.
‘Why did it take you so long to sell The Bothy?’ I asked, my words slurred. ‘I thought it’d sell just like that.’ I tried to accompany the word that with a click of my fingers but I couldn’t coordinate the movement.
‘I had three offers the day it went on the market,’ Flynn responded, his words also slurring. ‘Didn’t put it up for sale straightaway cos I kept hoping you’d come back.’
My heart skipped. ‘Even after we’d divorced?’
‘For a long time after. Kept hoping you’d have the time and space you needed and then you’d return to me.’
‘Sorry.’
‘Me too.’
‘So when did you give up hoping and start dating again?’ I asked.
‘I didn’t. Part of me kept believing that, with enough water under the bridge, we’d eventually find our way back to each other because we were always meant to be together.’
I laughed out loud. ‘Yeah, right. That’s the truth!’
‘It is!’ He sounded affronted.
‘I’ll accept that you believe the always being together stuff. You always were romantic. But the never dating stuff? That’s bullshit! You’re married!’
‘Married? What makes you think that?’
‘Erm, the wedding ring for a start.’
He held up his left hand. ‘This ring?’
‘Yep! Gotcha! Married man.’
‘Take a closer look.’ He thrust his hand towards me and shone his torch onto it.
‘It’s very nice,’ I slurred, struggling to actually focus on the ring.
‘Closer. I’d take it off so you can see the inscription, but I’m not sure it’ll come off my finger now. I’ve worn it for that long.’
Shocked, I grabbed his hand. ‘That’s the ring I gave you!’
I ran my fingers over the platinum band but he took his hand from my grasp.
‘What can I say? Hopeless romantic.’
I couldn’t believe he was still wearing his wedding band after all this time. My engagement and wedding rings were safely tucked away in their original boxes but I placed my hand against my chest, feeling the eternity ring I always wore on a chain. Flynn had given me it after Noah was born, and I could remember his exact words: I’ve heard being a parent can be both the most rewarding and the toughest thing ever. This is to remind you that, no matter how tough things get, my love for you will last for all eternity. He’d had the infinity symbol engraved inside the band with N L for Noah Lucas within the two ovals and our initials either side. I was about to show him it, but I suddenly remembered what I’d seen on the beach.
‘Not married, but you are seeing someone,’ I said. ‘Or you were.’
‘I’m not and I wasn’t.’
‘I saw you kissing a woman.’
‘When?’
‘Just over a month ago – end of March. I was watching the boats and you got off one with a woman with red hair. You hugged and kissed on the beach.’
‘That was Lynette. She’s a friend.’
‘Didn’t look like a friend to me.’
‘Well, she is. She’s the sister of a friend who thought it would be a genius idea to set us up cos we were both divorcees. I wasn’t interested but he wouldn’t drop it so I reluctantly agreed to meet her for coffee. Turns out Lynette wasn’t interested either cos, like me, she hadn’t wanted the divorce. We became good friends and when you saw us, we’d just been to Lodore Falls to scatter her dog’s ashes because it was one of their favourite places to go for walks. She did kiss me. On the cheek to say thanks for being there on a difficult day.’
I winced. How wrong had I got that? ‘I’m sorry about your friend’s dog. Is she okay?’
‘Getting there.’ He gave me a playful nudge. ‘I can’t believe you thought we were kissing properly. Lynette would find that hilarious.’
‘It was the angle,’ I muttered. ‘Sorry.’
‘So, what about you? Any relationships?’
I told him about Graeme and the disastrous proposal, but skirted round the reasons why it had ended. I should have known he’d question it.
‘Was it because of me?’ he asked when I didn’t respond.
He sounded so hopeful and, even though the drink had elicited the truth about so many things from me today, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Flynn the truth about this. This was a man who hadn’t put our house on the market because he’d hoped I’d come back, who still wore his wedding ring because the vows he’d made were forever, and who’d just told me he hadn’t given up hope of me returning. Much as my heart might be screaming to admit that he’d held tightly onto my heart all along and I still wore my eternity ring, I hadn’t yet found my way through the rain. Until I did, I couldn’t give him hope. The water under our bridge had been extremely turbulent. Could we ever recover from that even if we wanted to? I’d broken his heart so badly and he hadn’t deserved it. I couldn’t risk doing that to him again.
‘Mel?’ he prompted.
‘We just weren’t right for each other.’
I felt his leg tense against mine and then he moved away to the end of the chaise. I’d upset him and I hated doing that but it was necessary to protect him.
We sat in silence as the time ticked by. Shivering, I pulled the curtain more tightly around me. It wasn’t just the cold I was battling with now – it was the desire to sleep. A bottle of wine on an empty stomach had definitely taken its toll and all I wanted to do was curl up under my duvet.
‘What was that?’ Flynn whispered, grabbing my arm. ‘Did you hear a car?’
‘Rosie?’
Dropping our curtains, we raced to the door and banged and yelled for help. After several excruciating minutes, a voice called my name.
‘Yes! We’re trapped in here.’
‘Step back.’
Flynn and I shuffled away from the door and it opened moments later. Rosie and Georgia stared at us.
‘What happened?’ Georgia asked.
‘Door wouldn’t open.’
‘Oh, my God! Come out.’
As I stumbled up the staircase, I was very aware of how drunk I was. Behind me, I heard Flynn apologising to Rosie for drinking some of her wine but she dismissed it as she apologised profusely for us getting trapped. All I could think about was how desperate I was for the toilet, followed by a pint of cold water and a mountain of toast.
When I returned from the bathroom, I found them in the kitchen. Flynn had a glass of water in one hand and was eating a banana.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Rosie said. ‘Are you okay?’
Georgia rushed at me with a hug, preventing me from answering.
‘Bit drunk,’ I murmured. ‘Why are you here?’
Between them, Rosie and Georgia explained how Rosie had been delayed at the stables talking to a parent so had rushed in late, quickly changed and checked my bedroom, office and the library for me but, finding both empty, had presumed I’d left for the quiz without her. She’d noticed Flynn’s van was still parked on the drive and was surprised at that considering he’d said he couldn’t stay long. When she got to the pub, Georgia had asked where I was and Rosie had said there was no sign of me but Flynn’s van was still there so presumably we’d been in another room deep in conversation. Georgia told her that Flynn was my ex and we weren’t on speaking terms so that wouldn’t be the case and something had to be wrong if he was still there and there was no sign of us both. They both raced back to the hall and heard us banging and shouting as soon as they opened the front door.
‘Thanks for coming back for us,’ I said. ‘I need some food and bed.’
‘So do I,’ Flynn said and his cheeks reddened as his eyes caught mine. ‘My bed. Home.’
‘You won’t be able to drive if you’ve been drinking,’ Georgia said. ‘I’ll drop you home.’
‘Thanks. Now would be good, if that’s okay with you.’
‘Of course.’ Georgia hugged me again. ‘I’ll speak to you soon.’
‘I’m so sorry, Flynn,’ Rosie said as she followed them out of the kitchen. ‘I know you didn’t have much time free today and…’
I couldn’t hear anything else she said as they’d moved out of earshot. I knew Flynn would be gracious and accept her apology. It wouldn’t put him off doing the work and he’d be able to laugh about it with her soon. What could put him off the project was having to work with me. He’d barely been able to look at me. I’d wanted to avoid hurting him again but I’d still screwed things up.