Chapter 40
40
I woke up on Friday morning with a banging head but, when that wore off, I felt better than I had in a long time. I’d finally found a release for my grief. Being trapped in a cellar with Flynn had been far from ideal but it had triggered an outpouring that had been long overdue.
I hoped that Flynn would get in touch today, even if just to confirm that he would be going ahead with the projects. Or not. My stomach lurched at the thought of the latter. The day slipped past without a peep from him.
Oliver and Rosie went to Christian’s house for their tea so I dined alone in the kitchen and took my book through to the library afterwards. It was late when they arrived back so Oliver poked his head round the door to say goodnight before heading up to bed and Rosie told him she’d be up in ten minutes.
‘Have you fully recovered from yesterday’s ordeal?’ she asked.
‘Just about. I don’t suppose you’ve heard anything from Flynn?’
‘Not before we went out, but let me check my emails again.’ Rosie took her phone out. ‘Oh! He’s been in touch and… hang on…’
I watched her face intently as she scrolled down the message. If her expression darkened, it meant he’d pulled out and I’d be to blame. She looked up and smiled.
‘Good news. He’s happy to work on the boat house and the hall but he needs the weekend to study his work schedule. He’ll come back to us by the end of Tuesday.’
‘That’s great news,’ I said.
She shrugged. ‘It is for the project, but is it for you? I had no idea he was your ex-husband. Will you be okay working with him?’
‘I guarantee neither of us will let our baggage get in the way of doing a fantastic job.’
‘I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about you.’
‘Honestly, I’m fine. We used to run a business together and we worked together brilliantly. I’m sure there’ll be some awkward moments but we’ll get past them and I know he’s the best person for the job. He loves Willowdale Hall nearly as much as I do so we’re in good hands with him.’
‘Okay. I feel reassured.’
‘How did Oliver’s interview go, by the way?’ I asked.
‘Really good. They’ll let him know next week so don’t uncross anything just yet.’
* * *
On Saturday morning, I was walking back to the hall after helping Emma when a text message arrived from an unregistered number.
From Unknown
Hi Mel, it’s Jessie. Hope you don’t mind me getting in touch but I found your number on your website. I’d really like to talk to you. Any chance you’re free to meet me at The White Willow at 11 this morning?
What could Jessie possibly want to see me for? Intrigued, I replied immediately to say I’d be there.
I did a couple of hours’ work then set off on foot to meet Jessie. It was a bright day with only a few white clouds breaking up the blue sky. The sun filtering through the gaps in the trees warmed my face and arms and I felt a lightness in my step. Last night before settling down to sleep, I’d looked at the photos of Mum and the alpacas and finally cried over losing her. I’d even welled up this morning seeing Jolene and Maud being really cute together, looking like they were giving each other kisses. I hoped that, now that the cork was out and I’d released my tears, I wasn’t going to find myself at the other extreme, crying over everything like Georgia did.
I arrived at The White Willow five minutes early and spotted Jessie seated at a window table, a pram beside her. She waved when she saw me and I couldn’t resist peeking into the pram when I joined her.
‘Aw, Jessie, she’s gorgeous. What’s her name?’
‘Isla. She was ten days late so she’ll be five weeks tomorrow.’
‘Congratulations to you both.’
‘Thank you, and thanks for meeting me at such short notice.’
‘I was intrigued when I got your message.’
Kelly appeared, greeting us warmly, and we placed an order for hot drinks and scones.
‘Seeing you outside The Byre was quite the surprise,’ Jessie said when Kelly left. ‘I’m really glad we got to talk, but I didn’t tell you the whole truth and it’s been niggling away at me ever since.’
Whatever she was about to reveal evidently made her nervous as she’d picked up the salt shaker and was twiddling with it rather than making eye contact with me.
‘Go on,’ I encouraged, my voice soft. ‘You can tell me anything.’
She continued to twiddle with the salt. ‘When Noah died, you wanted to know who he was hanging around with and who’d got him into drugs. I told you I didn’t know – just that they were a bad crowd – but that’s not true. I knew exactly who they were.’
My stomach lurched. After all these years, was I about to finally find out the answer?
She put the salt down and held my gaze. ‘It was Trent. He’s the one who got Noah into drugs.’
I clapped my hand across my mouth. I’d expected her to rattle off some names of kids I’d never heard of, not to name her brother.
‘Trent? But I didn’t think they were even in touch. I thought they’d drifted apart when Trent moved up to sixth form.’
‘They had. Trent didn’t like Noah and me being together – said he didn’t want to be the third wheel. They’d never mixed at school anyway – different friendship groups – so they drifted apart naturally. Trent’s mates were trouble. They got into drinking at an early age and started dabbling with drugs at college. One of them even did some dealing. When Noah started at sixth form, he didn’t have anything to do with them at first but we went to a party towards the end of the first year and it was in this really rough house. I refused to stay, but Noah refused to leave. Trent turned up after I’d gone and that’s where it all started, although I didn’t know that until much later.’
‘Did you know your brother was into drugs?’
‘I’d heard Mum and Dad arguing about it and I hadn’t believed it but then I saw him high and…’ She shook her head. ‘It was awful. At that point, Noah was a couple of terms into sixth form and I knew he’d had nothing to do with Trent so I didn’t tell him about the drugs cos I didn’t think he’d ever be at risk.’
Our drinks and scones arrived so we paused the conversation for a moment. I sipped on my cappuccino but my stomach was in knots so I left the scone untouched.
‘Noah wasn’t himself over the summer,’ Jessie said. ‘He kept cancelling on me and, when we did go out, he was often moody and distracted. He’d never mentioned my brother and he’d always said drugs were for losers so it never entered my head that they’d reconnected at that dodgy party and Noah had started doing drugs himself. I can’t believe I was so blind to it.’
‘That makes two of us. I hadn’t a clue either. Was that when you found out? After the summer?’
‘Later than that.’ Tears pooled in her eyes. ‘There was this Halloween party and I stupidly assumed everyone would be getting dressed up. I made a big effort and, when I turned up, nobody else was in costume and they were all laughing at me. And then I saw Trent and Noah together. They were both high and it suddenly all slotted into place.’
It was uncomfortable hearing it so I could only imagine how Jessie must have felt seeing her brother and boyfriend in that state.
‘We split up shortly after that,’ she said, her voice hoarse. ‘When Noah died and you found out it was because of the drugs, I wanted to tell you what I knew, but Mum and Dad were scared of the repercussions for Trent and they asked me to stay quiet. I’m so sorry.’
The tears were flowing freely now and my heart broke for her to have gone through that at such a young age. I was furious with Helen and Guy for pressurising her to keep quiet. I understood they were trying to protect their son, but what about their daughter? What about Noah? No wonder they’d pulled away from me instead of supporting me. They’d made out that I was too forceful with my questions but what they’d really been doing was closing ranks.
As Jessie pulled a packet of tissues from Isla’s changing bag, I experienced a moment of clarity. Alice had said that the boat house and the car couldn’t be blamed for her accident. The blame lay with Hubert Cranleigh because he was the one who’d made the decision to drive drunk and to cover it up afterwards. In Noah’s case, Trent and his dodgy mates had been key players but ultimately there was only one person to blame for Noah’s death and it was the one person at whom, up until this moment, I hadn’t pointed the finger. Talk about an epiphany! The only person truly responsible for Noah’s death was Noah. He chose to take the drugs. He chose to do something risky and paid for it with the ultimate price. I could have done with a few minutes to let that sink in but that would be unfair to Jessie who was clearly distressed.
‘You don’t need to apologise,’ I said. ‘What happened to Noah wasn’t your fault, or your parents’ fault. It wasn’t even Trent’s. Noah could have said no. He could have walked away but he didn’t.’
‘I wish he had. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.’
‘I understand why you didn’t, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate finally knowing. Dare I ask what happened to Trent?’
‘He’d already failed his A levels, lost his university place and had no direction. Noah’s death tipped him over the edge. He lost the plot for a while, getting steadily more dependent on drink and drugs. He stole money from Mum and Dad to fund his habit. They stopped having money in the house so he began stealing from me and our grandparents. That was the last straw and they asked him to leave. They didn’t want to but they hoped it would shock him into getting his life back together.’
‘Did it?’
She shook her head. ‘He couch surfed for a while but, after another friend was rushed to hospital from an overdose, which he survived, he finally woke up and questioned what the heck he was doing with his life. He turned up at The Byre begging for Mum and Dad’s support to get things back on track. He’s since been through rehab and is now training as a counsellor specialising in addiction.’
‘Sounds like he’s really turned his life around.’
‘Took a while, but he got there eventually. I told him it was time you had the full story and he wanted to come with me and tell you himself, but I thought it might be a bit much. If you do want to hear it from him, I can arrange it.’
I thought for a moment. ‘Is he sorry?’
‘Oh, my God! Yes! He often says that he did some really bad stuff in his addiction years but his number one regret has always been getting Noah involved. If he could go back in time and change only one thing, that would be it.’
‘That’s good enough for me. It might be helpful for Trent to talk to me but, to be brutally honest, I don’t think it’ll benefit me. I’ve finally got some answers and it’s time for me to let it go. Can you tell him I accept his apology and I don’t blame him so he shouldn’t blame himself? Tell him to channel that energy into his studies and supporting others in need.’
‘Will do. It’s such a weight lifted. I hate keeping secrets.’ Jessie smiled at me as she wiped away the remnants of her tears. ‘Thanks for being so understanding. Flynn said you would be.’
‘Flynn?’
‘He came to see me yesterday. Didn’t he say?’
‘No.’
Our conversation in the cellar swirled round my mind. Do you still want to know the truth? Flynn had asked, and I’d replied, Yes! Even though there’s nothing I can do about it now, I still want to know who Noah’s new friends were and who gave him the drugs. It wouldn’t answer all my questions but it’d be something and it might help me find a way to shift the blame from me to them and to forgive myself.
Finding out the truth had helped me to shift the blame but not to where I’d expected.
‘Wait a minute! How did Flynn know about Trent?’
‘He found Noah’s phone when he was moving house. There were photos and messages on it and he pieced it together. I don’t know whether he confronted Mum and Dad with it at the time. They never said anything to me if he did. I suspect he didn’t. They’d kicked Trent out by that point and I can’t imagine Flynn would have wanted to add to the trauma they were already going through. He’s too nice to do that.’
Yes, he was. What a gift he’d just given me. I’d told him I still wanted to know the truth and he’d made that happen. Since returning to Willowdale, I’d taken many steps forward in my journey to heal, and a few steps back too, but in the space of two days, Flynn had helped me take two enormous leaps forward. I’d never admitted out loud that I blamed myself and doing so in the cellar had allowed me to finally release my pent-up grief and now the confession he’d asked Jessie to make meant I finally knew what had happened and had accepted that Flynn was right about me not blaming myself.
There were a couple more steps I needed to take. The first was to let my family in. That was long overdue and didn’t scare me. They’d understand. The second step was another leap and it terrified me but, if I didn’t go for it, I’d never forgive myself and I knew the dark places blaming myself could take me. I couldn’t do that again.