Chapter 42
42
‘Any news from Flynn?’ I asked Rosie when I saw her in the kitchen the following morning.
Rosie checked her phone. ‘Not yet, although it’s a bank holiday so he might not come back to me till tomorrow. I’ll let you know as soon as he does. And I hope you’re not spending today working.’
I grimaced. That’s exactly what I’d planned on doing.
She shook her head at me, smiling. ‘You’re a hopeless case. How about a compromise? Why don’t I help you retrieve some of those boxes of photos and papers from the cellar and you can spend the day in the library going through them?’
‘That would be amazing. Oliver doesn’t mind?’
‘He doesn’t have the time to do it himself but he’s interested in what’s in there. He’s got no problem with you going through it and pulling it into some semblance of order if you’d like that.’
‘I would love that. You’ve just made my day.’
After carefully propping the cellar door open, we retrieved the first four boxes, figuring that would be more than enough to keep me out of mischief for the day. I hadn’t got very far into box one when Rosie appeared.
‘Email from Flynn. He’s sending a team to crack on with the boat house. They’ll be here a week today and he’ll be here the Monday after to go through the plans for the hall properly. Slight delay but at least things are moving.’
Rosie left to meet Autumn at the stables for her riding lesson and I returned to the boxes but I’d only removed a handful of photos before I sat back on my heels with a sigh. Flynn really wouldn’t be on site until a week on Monday? I’d have to wait a whole fortnight until I saw him again? That was too far away. I’d treated him terribly since I’d returned to Willowdale – ran out of the pub when he turned up, barely exchanged three words with him outside The White Willow, ignored his request to meet up and talk, refused to call him personally to let him know it was okay to come to every part of Mum’s funeral, barely spoke to him when I begged him to come to the wake, but recommended him to my boss when Dougie let us down. That must have made him feel so used. And, worst of all, I’d unleashed all my frustration on him in the cellar and then I’d refused to admit that the reason things could never have worked with Graeme was because my feelings for Flynn had never changed. I was still just as deeply in love with him as I’d always been.
Last night, I’d realised something else – that a big part of the reason I’d never returned to Willowdale, despite that magnet pulling me back, was fear of Flynn rejecting me like I’d rejected him. I’d already lost Noah and could never have him back but I could pretend there was a possibility of having Flynn back as long as I didn’t try and fail.
I wished I’d kept his contact details. I’d have messaged him right now if I had. Mark would give me them but I didn’t want to drag him into it. I’d already made things difficult enough for my brother-in-law. This was something I had to do alone and I needed to do it now.
To Ark Building & Restoration Ltd
Hi Flynn, Mel here. You kindly gave me your contact details for when/if I was ready to talk. I wasn’t and I didn’t think I ever would be so I didn’t keep them but now I wish I had. If that offer to talk is still on the table while sober and not locked in a dark cellar, I’d really like to go for it. Name your time and place and I’ll bend over backwards to be there
A few minutes later, a message came through with the question Now? and a postcode. Now? I guess there was no time like the present and it wouldn’t give me time to overthink it – or at least no longer than the car journey. It also meant I had no time to fret over what to wear or whether to do my make-up. I needed to go as I was. I pinged off a reply.
To Ark Building & Restoration Ltd
I’ll be there shortly
Five minutes later, I was in my car and on my way, heading in the direction of Whinlatter Forest. The satnav took me off a side road and down a track flanked by tall conifers. At the end of the track, I slammed on the brakes and leaned forward, eyes wide, hardly able to believe what I was seeing. The location was new to me but the house was as familiar as my own face. He’d only gone and done it! He’d built our dream home.
I stayed where I was for several minutes, mouth open, hand clutching my eternity ring through my pale lemon T-shirt, taking in the stunning timber-and-glass home with steel and stone accents blending beautifully within its woodland setting. It had never entered my head that Flynn would have done this.
Realising he was standing in the doorway watching me, I pulled over beside his van and exited my car but I only managed a few paces before a wave of emotion washed over me and the tears began. I wasn’t going to be able to get a sincere apology out or talk about the past if I started off with an emotional meltdown so I lifted my hand to my forehead to shield my eyes from the sun and subtly wiped at my cheeks at the same time. Being make-up free would serve me well as there’d be no mascara runs to give the game away.
Flynn joined me. ‘Surprise!’ he said, his voice hesitant, his forehead creased, as though unsure whether I’d see it as a good or bad surprise.
‘You built our house,’ I said, my voice coming out a little husky. I inwardly winced at the use of the word our . Yes, it was our design and our dream, but it had happened without me so it was Flynn’s and I had no right to stake a claim on it.
‘I did.’
‘You found some land.’
‘It was part of Angus’s dad’s farm. He died and it passed down to Angus and his brother. I asked if they had a pocket of land anywhere that they’d be willing to sell to me and they came up with this. Decades ago, it had become a dumping ground for knackered machinery and was no use to them so they gave me a good deal on the proviso I cleared it myself.’
‘It’s a beautiful spot.’
‘It didn’t look it back then. Do you want to see inside? Or we can go to the café in the forest if you’d prefer.’
‘No! I’d love to see inside.’ The exterior had already blown me away and there was no way I could leave without seeing the interior.
What Flynn had created was even more beautiful than I’d imagined. With us both being passionate about old properties, our challenge had always been to create something that didn’t feel overtly modern. The use of wood and curves rather than metal and straight lines delivered a warm and cosy feel while floor-to-ceiling windows invited the outdoors in.
Flynn didn’t say much as we moved around the rooms, letting the design speak for itself. I spotted various changes to our original design. Some were unfamiliar additions and others had been ideas I’d put forward which we’d ruled out due to cost. On the walls was a combination of artwork we’d chosen together for The Bothy and beautiful pieces Flynn must have sourced since, all of which were 100 per cent to our joint taste.
Even though Flynn wasn’t a reader himself, he’d included a snug – the one room I’d been the most excited about – with a log burner, cosy armchairs and a window seat. Floor-to-ceiling shelves were filled with books, ornaments and family photos.
‘I love this room,’ I whispered.
When Flynn didn’t respond, I wondered whether he’d even heard me. As I peered closer at the photos, tears pooled in my eyes once more. I’d assumed they’d just be photos of Flynn with Noah but I was in so many of them too.
‘Willowdale Hall!’ I exclaimed, spying a Lego replica on one of the shelves.
‘It’s not as good as yours.’
‘It’s brilliant. I can’t believe you made this.’
‘The room felt empty without it.’
There were so many memories in this one room and, although it drew tears, they were happy ones.
Flynn led me upstairs and into the bathroom and spare bedrooms before opening the door to the master suite. I was immediately drawn to the doors at the back of the room opening out onto a large balcony with views over the back garden and the woods beyond.
‘That’s an incredible view to kickstart the day,’ I said, crouching down by the bed to see what the view would be on waking up. I grabbed the bedside cabinet to steady me as I rose. My fingers brushed against something soft and I turned to see what it was.
‘Edgar,’ I whispered, my heart pounding as I picked up the plush elephant. ‘You kept him.’
I couldn’t keep the tears at bay any longer. I sank onto the edge of the bed, cuddling Edgar to my chest as I wept. This time, my tears weren’t fuelled by anger or frustration, but by regret at everything I’d missed out on because I’d been too ashamed to admit that I wasn’t coping and needed help, by pushing away everyone who could have given me that help and support, by running away instead of facing my problems no matter how painful that would have been.
‘I didn’t mean to make you cry,’ Flynn said, panic in his tone. ‘Can I get you anything? Tissues? Water?’
I looked up at his kind face, so full of concern.
‘A hug?’ I suggested, knowing that I didn’t really deserve one but wanting his comforting arms around me so badly.
I stood up with Edgar still in my hands, my eyes fixed on Flynn’s, steeling myself for rejection, but he smiled and put his arms out.
Just like it had outside the Lakeside Inn the day we said goodbye to Mum, being held by Flynn felt like home. Every time he came home from work, he’d sought me out and I’d broken away from whatever I was doing to hug and kiss him. He’d found it strange that his parents never reconnected when one of them arrived home from work or shopping or a night out with friends, as though they’d barely noticed each other’s absence and certainly hadn’t missed each other. He’d never wanted us to be like that, never wanted me to doubt how much he missed me when we were apart.
When the tears stopped, I didn’t want to let go of him, but I had to.
‘Sorry about that,’ I said, stepping away and sniffing. ‘I’ve made your T-shirt soggy.’
He looked down at the wet patch. ‘It’ll soon dry. Are you okay?’
‘Yeah. I was determined not to cry today after the cellar episode but I wasn’t expecting this.’
‘After I sent you the postcode, I wondered if it was the right thing to do without warning.’
‘It was. If you’d said you were inviting me to your house, I’d probably have suggested somewhere neutral but I’m glad I’ve seen this. It’s even better than I imagined. I think it might be your best work yet and that was already an incredibly high bar.’
‘That means a lot to me. It’s not quite perfect, but…’ He tailed off and shrugged. ‘You wanted to talk. Should we grab a coffee?’
I wanted to ask what would achieve perfection for him but he was already on his way down the stairs. It looked pretty damn perfect to me, but perhaps the imperfections were noticeable from living in the property – a room which could have been bigger, a window positioned differently, more built-in storage space and so on.
Flynn told me to make myself comfortable in the lounge, checked what I wanted to drink, and headed into the kitchen area. The main living space was open plan with a colour palette of warm woodland tones. I wandered round the room, looking more closely at the items he had on display. I was drawn towards a shelving unit with the most beautifully crafted ark I’d ever seen. Pairs of animals were lined up waiting to board while Noah and his wife waited on board to welcome them. We’d bought our Noah a colourful wooden ark when he was little and he’d loved playing with it. I’d thought the detail on that one had been beautiful but this one of Flynn’s was next level.
‘This is stunning,’ I said as Flynn joined me and handed me a coffee. ‘Where did you find it?’
‘I commissioned it. It isn’t just an ark. I don’t want to make you cry again but there’s no way of cushioning this. You see how Noah’s crook is metal?’
‘Oh, yeah,’ I said, peering closer. ‘It’s sparkly too.’
‘A jeweller made it with some of our Noah’s ashes inside the metal. The rest are in a container at the bottom of the boat so they can be removed and scattered. I didn’t want to do that without you so… I hope that was okay.’
Tears escaped once more. I’d often wondered what Flynn had done with Noah’s ashes. I’d nearly taken them when I left. I’d actually picked up the urn but it hadn’t felt right to take Noah away from his home and his dad without discussing it and I wasn’t strong enough to have that discussion so I left them, trusting that Flynn would do the right thing. I could never have imagined such a beautiful tribute to our son.
‘It’s really special. Thank you for doing that.’
I wiped my cheeks and went to take a sip of my coffee but paused when I realised that the mug he’d given me was my favourite one.
‘You kept it!’ I exclaimed.
He shrugged, but didn’t say anything. The air between us crackled and I wondered whether Flynn’s heart was thumping as fast as mine. He was so close, I could easily touch his face, kiss his lips. And that wasn’t going to help resolve anything.
‘I guess we’d better have that talk,’ I said, trying to pull myself together. ‘Or I’m going to keep finding things to distract me.’ Like Flynn.
We sat at either end of a large sofa. ‘How was your head after our impromptu drinking session?’ I asked, thinking that the conversation could be heavy so opening it with humour might be good.
Flynn smiled. ‘Not so good. Couldn’t tell you the last time I drank red wine. Yours?’
‘The same.’ I bit my lip and shook my head. ‘There’s so much I need to explain and apologise for…’
* * *
Flynn had always been a good listener – one of the many things I loved about him. He knew how much the feisty part of me needed to vent before I could have a calm, considered conversation and, although I wasn’t venting this morning, I was a tangle of emotions as I talked about all the things that had been going through my head back then and what I’d made sense of since returning to Willowdale. It was an edited version of what I’d told my family, missing out the part about how I felt about Flynn for now. I would tell him, despite the fear of rejection, but it was more important to get everything else out in the open. I wanted to focus on the future, but a future with Flynn would be impossible without addressing the past.
He shared how he’d felt about what happened and it was enlightening to hear it through his perspective. I was aware of how carefully he chose his words, suggesting we’d both made mistakes rather than heaping the blame on me. I really appreciated the sensitivity, but I was the one who’d left and I was taking ownership of that and a whole lot more.
‘You’re not shouldering all the blame,’ Flynn said. ‘I won’t let you. We were a partnership and we both made mistakes. We could both have handled things differently, and it’s only when you have time and space that you can see that.’
He was so kind and gracious but part of my healing was to accept responsibility for the part I’d played in the end of our marriage and, while Flynn hadn’t been perfect, I’d caused the most damage. If he’d been the rain, I’d been the raging storm.
‘Thanks for speaking to Jessie for me,’ I said. ‘I met up with her on Saturday. I hadn’t seen that one coming.’
‘Me neither. When I found out, I thought about letting you know but I was worried it might do further damage.’
‘It might have done back then.’
‘Has it helped now?’
‘Massively.’ I told him about our conversation and my epiphany that, while what had happened to Noah was the most terrible tragedy, it had been caused by our son making a dangerous choice and not by anybody else.
‘I’m so relieved you’ve accepted that now,’ Flynn said.
‘I still feel I had a part to play. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel completely guilt-free but I’m in a better place now than I thought I could ever be.’
We’d covered a lot of ground and come to a natural pause in the conversation. Flynn asked if I wanted to join him for a spot of lunch – a smoked salmon salad which we ate in the back garden.
‘I can’t stop looking at the house,’ I said as I placed my cutlery down after we’d eaten. ‘Can I ask why you included the parts we’d dismissed? And why did you keep Edgar and my favourite mug?’
A pause. ‘I had my reasons.’
I didn’t miss the stiffness in his tone. He stacked my plate on top of his and rose from his seat but I placed my hand over his.
‘It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.’
‘It’s not that.’ He sighed and sat back down, pushing the plates aside. ‘It’s just that I don’t think you’ll want to hear the answers.’ He scratched his head – a tell-tale indicator that he was nervous – before fixing his eyes on mine.
‘Try me,’ I said, gently.
He clasped his hands behind his head and I prepared for a big announcement.
‘Okay. I changed the house for the same reason I didn’t sell The Bothy straightaway. I kept hoping that one day you’d come back and we’d live in our dream home together, like we’d always planned. I felt like I’d let you down in our marriage so there was no way I was going to let you down with our home. When you came back, I wanted you to be able to drink from your favourite mug.’
I placed my hand over my necklace, tears pricking my eyes.
‘As for Edgar, they say elephants never forget so I kept him on your side of the bed to make sure I never forgot about us. Something horrendous happened and it broke us but there were twenty-two and a half years before that which were amazing and Edgar was there right from the very first moment. I hoped he’d be there for a second chance too because I never stopped loving you.’
I stared at him through watery eyes, stunned at the beautiful things he was saying and how romantic it all was.
He stiffened when I didn’t respond and grabbed the plates as he stood up. ‘I know that’s a lot to take in but I’ve never lied to you and I never will.’
I sat there for a moment, letting it all sink in. If he could be that honest with me, I could be with him. I followed him inside where he was loading the dishwasher noisily.
‘You have so many amazing qualities,’ I said. ‘You’re always kind, calm and thoughtful, even towards those who don’t necessarily deserve it.’
He continued loading the dishwasher, but quietly, and I could imagine him wondering where this was going.
‘You’re passionate, romantic, funny, honest… I could keep going if you want.’
He straightened up and leaned against the worktop, arms folded but expression open.
‘I manage all those things at work. Well, maybe not the romance part…’ I rolled my eyes at him and drew a smile at that. ‘For some reason I struggle with several of those traits outside of work. Although my outburst in the cellar might suggest otherwise, I have got much better at being calm, but I’m still really struggling with honesty. It’s not that I lie. It’s more that I keep things in when they’re hard. I’ve done that a lot since Noah died and it has to stop. In the cellar, you asked me why it ended with Graeme and I said we wanted different things. Truth. But with a major omission. The different thing I wanted was you.’
Flynn’s eyes lit up for a moment but he didn’t shift position and I knew I’d need to work hard to convince him.
I pointed towards his wedding band. ‘There’s a reason I had the infinity symbol engraved on your ring. It’s because I knew my love for you would last forever and it has, but I didn’t think there was any way you could possibly feel the same about me after how I behaved. I destroyed us. I didn’t deserve a second chance.’
‘You were ill.’
‘I didn’t know that at the time. I thought what I was doing was normal and everyone else was being weird. There’s something else.’ I reached into the neckline of my T-shirt and lifted out my eternity ring on its chain. ‘You’re not the only one who couldn’t take your ring off. I’ve kept this one on a chain next to my heart all this time.’
He unfolded his arms, his expression tender.
‘Since I got back I’ve been thinking a lot about us,’ I said. ‘I’ve thought about the big moments like when we met and your proposal on Blencathra, but also the little things that meant the world to me like how you hugged me tightly every time you came home, how you always waited up for me if I needed to work late, how you said goodnight to Edgar before we went to sleep.’
His cheeks coloured and he smiled ruefully. ‘I probably shouldn’t admit it, but I still do that.’
‘Admit away. It’s lovely because you’re lovely. Mum asked me why I’d split up with Graeme and I fobbed her off with the same excuse I gave you – we wanted different things – but she called me out on it. She said the different thing I wanted was you because you were my magnet. I didn’t know what she meant at the time but I know now that it’s the person who draws you back because you were always meant to be with them. You are my magnet, Flynn. It’s always been you but I’m scared. So scared. Saying we never stopped loving each other is the easy part. What if we try again but we’ve changed too much? What if we can’t get over what happened in the past? What if?—’
I stopped as Flynn gently placed his hands on my cheeks. ‘What if you just shut up and let me kiss you?’
I nodded and closed my eyes as his lips brushed against mine, sending a pulse of excitement rushing through my whole body.
‘What if you stop overthinking?’ he added.
He kissed me again, slowly and softly.
‘And what if we accept that we don’t have the answers but we find them out together this time?’ He brushed his thumbs across my cheeks. ‘I know it’s a lot and we’ve been apart a long time but I know my feelings for you are never going to change. I’ve always been and always will be in this forever.’
As I melted into his kiss, I knew why this place felt like home. It wasn’t because I’d designed it or because I recognised ornaments and paintings from The Bothy or because he’d made my coffee in my favourite mug. It was because Flynn was here. Beautiful as it was, we’d never needed this dream home – we’d just needed each other.