32. Sunshine
Chapter 32
Sunshine
G oing back to the real world after Julian’s heat was a rude awakening. Holly had gotten me caught up on my tasks, but it only took two weeks for everything to fall apart again. It didn’t help it felt like I was recovering from the flu. I was tired and drained for days after I went back to work, even though I tried to act like it was fine.
Neither the alphas nor Julian were acting worn out from the heat, and I wanted to make sure they didn’t baby me next time. Despite me pretending I wasn’t still tired, Logan plied me with food and drink every time I was nearby. It was easier to pretend it was his need to feed people rather than my body being too slow to catch up to the rest of the pack.
I turned over the idea of moving in with them, but every time I did, I felt raw panic. I knew they loved me. And I loved them. But it felt big and irreversible.
Part of me worried that they would see me, all of me, and realize I was too weird for them to want to be with long term. I was spending the night most nights, but there were times when I went back to my cottage to work.
And by work, it was having a freak out over juggling a million tasks. I had three events close together, and the time right before things kicked off was always nuts. I didn’t sleep well, tossing and turning, thinking about the things still left to do.
Anxiety simmered inside me, like I was slowly boiling myself alive. No matter how many times I did deep breathing, walked myself through the different outcomes of my tasks, and told myself to get my shit together, it always snapped back.
It made me feel ashamed, and the more I thought about living with them, the more it felt like a good goal to work toward. If I got myself more organized, then I could move in with Pack Kahele without worrying that I would be a nervous wreck at some point and ruin everything.
It was good goal. Too bad I was so far away from it.
I shook my head, trying to blink some of the dryness out of my eyes.
I went over to the pack’s house after work because I missed them, but I still had so much work to do it felt pointless. I should have gone to my cottage, but Julian made puppy eyes about missing me another night in a row.
Logan had come home from work early and made us a delicious dinner. Julian was off work and assured me he would let me work. He sat next to me and played Race to Win with Luca.
My head hurt, my temples pounding.
I was so, so behind. It was ridiculous how behind I let myself get considering I’d been mostly caught up two weeks ago.
I thought I had budgeted myself enough time to get things scheduled, but the last couple days at work were a never-ending series of stuff popping up.
Ember needed help with a client intake because the alpha set her omega hormones off in a bad way. Luna was taking some sick days, so I offered to schedule some of the deliveries for her gardening supplies, which took almost half a day. Raina circled me every five minutes to ask about a new client, new event, or something else.
I was ready to scream. I wasn’t sleeping well, my mind was racing at night.
Next to me, Julian jerked the controller, bumping against my leg.
I ignored it. It was fine. He was excited. Even though the beep-beep-beep from the car game was grating my nerves. I refocused on my spreadsheets, the green and white boxes blurring in my vision.
“Right, Sunshine?” Julian elbowed me.
“What?” I frowned. I was supposed to be checking on a date for Mrs. Cleary’s flowers, but the thought of flowers made me remember I had to get the white napkins to the embroidery shop.
“I’m gonna put Luca into the dust with this new blue corvette you helped me unlock.”
“Yes.” I searched my tabs. I had made a long list of all the weird and strange things Mrs. Cleary wanted for her garden bonanza, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.
The beep of the starting race intruded on my thoughts, and in the kitchen, Logan was moving pots and pans around.
Biting my lip, I opened three more spreadsheets. I was also working on Carsen’s bonding ceremony the same day, so maybe I jotted the list down in there so I wouldn’t forget.
Haha, the biggest joke. Writing it down so I won’t forget. If only I could remember where I wrote it down, I’d be great.
Julian shouted, half jumping in his seat. “Got you with a banana!”
Annoyed, I opened three more worksheets. He was adorably energetic, but I didn’t have the mental space for Julian’s bouncy energy.
If I wasn’t so hideously behind on everything, I would have put my laptop away for the night.
Dread coiled in my stomach. If I just focused really hard the next few days, I could catch up. It would be fine. I was adult, this was my job. I should be able to handle this.
And next time, I would budget my time better. It was my own fault, for forgetting about these random tasks. I’d had client meeting after client meeting, event space conversations, and several fires to put out with the wrong food being ordered, the embroidered napkins coming in wrong.
I loved being calm in a crisis like that, but it also meant I pushed off ordering two dozen white napkins to be folded into an origami shape until the last freaking minute.
Oh, maybe the list was under my event planning document. I clicked on the folder to open it, and Julian squealed, jumping up again.
“For the love of cookies,” I snapped. “Scoot over if you’re going to bump into me every five seconds.”
Julian froze, and I sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Guilt flooded me until I felt like I was about to cry. Julian wiped the hurt look off his face. “It’s okay.”
I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have snapped. I’m stressed about work, but that’s not your fault.”
Luca and Logan both looked at me like I was a wild animal that was about to go feral.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, holding my laptop in my lap, not sure what to do with my hands. “Julian, I’m so sorry.”
Julian put his controller down and snuggled into my side. “Sunshine, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”
“I snapped at you.”
He shrugged. “You also said sorry right away. It’s fine, no one expects you to be perfect all the time.”
I let out a breath. And then another. My insides twisted, sure that this was going to be the last straw. I snapped at Julian when he didn’t do anything wrong. That was it, we were going to break up. Panic beat in my chest, making blood rush in my ears.
My omega cocked his head and touched my arm. “Are you okay?”
“It’s just work. I’m almost done.” I gestured at my laptop. My stomach rolled like I was going to be sick. I kept waiting for the fight. For him to be mad at me for snapping at him.
“Do you want to use the office?” Luca looked worried. “Julian is adorable, but I couldn’t focus on anything important in the middle of the living room with all this noise and commotion either.”
Julian batted his eyelashes at me. “I am pretty distracting.”
“You are,” I said, still too afraid to hope that this was it. I’d snapped, apologized, and now Julian was moving on. I glanced at Logan, but he just looked at me with a worried expression.
If I had snapped at Mason, the entire pack would have torn me a new one. If I had lost my temper with Talia, we would have talked about why it wasn’t okay for the next three hours.
Julian seemed fine.
I touched his arm carefully. “You’re not mad? It’s okay if you’re mad.”
“Why would I be mad?” He put his arm around my waist. “It hurt my feelings for about five seconds, mostly because I was surprised. But you apologized, and you look so guilty. Like you accidentally ran me over or something.”
“I didn’t mean to take my bad mood out on you,” I said again, wishing the guilt would go away.
“I know that.” Julian carefully moved my laptop off my lap and pulled me onto his lap.
I let out a shaky breath. Maybe wasn’t going to come crashing down. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” He kissed the side of my head. “I should have been more considerate or offered you the office when you got here. I’m used to Luca leaving the room if he’s trying to focus on something super important.”
“I just wanted to be able to spend time with you while working.” My voice was muffled. I kept my face in the crook of his neck, his coconut and pineapple scent calming me down better than a whole bottle of wine could.
This was not a big deal, and yet my heart kept racing like we’d had a major blowout fight.
Logan and Luca sat down on either side of us, rubbing my back.
“Not that I want you to leave,” Luca said. “But you’re welcome to use the office. It’s set up nicely, and it’s quiet. If I have a really big case, I use the office because I get too overstimulated otherwise.”
“Is that the word for feeling like the entire world is too loud, too bright, and too much?” I grumbled. Stupid brain. Stupid body. If I could finish up my work I wouldn’t be so stressed out.
Julian laughed. “Yes, babe. I get overstimulated right before my heat. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll snap at you, and then we’ll be even.”
“It’s not about even.” Logan patted my shoulder. “We’re gonna drop the ball, bicker about something, and disagree. It doesn’t mean we don’t still love you.”
I let out another shuddery breath.
“Oh, honey.” Julian said softly, squeezing me. It still felt like I was about to cry, like the entire world hung in the balance. Luca and Logan both sat on either side of me and Julian pressed as close as they could get.
I snuggled against Julian, letting the warmth and scent of them calm me down.
“Did Luca ever tell you about the peanut thing?” Julian ran his hand through my hair. My scalp tingled pleasantly, and I let out a sigh. I didn’t realize how tense I was until the muscles in my scalp relaxed.
“Oh my God, Julian.” Logan rolled his eyes. “You had to bring that up.”
“It’s hilarious.” Julian sounded pleased with himself.
Luca grinned at Logan. “It was one of the deadliest, sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.”
I looked between the three of them, my body still clammy with sweat.
“So the peanut thing.” Julian started. “Luca was one of the lawyers at the firm Logan used when he was being sued. When the court case was over, and the client relationship is over with, and I’m like finally we can ask Luca on a date.”
“Here we go,” Logan grumbled. But the corners of his eyes were crinkled, so he looked more amused than anything.
“Only for you, Sunshine.” Logan kissed my cheek, some of his stubble pleasantly scratchy. “This story is for your benefit.”
I took his hand in mine, tracing some of the callouses.
“Logan finds out that Luca loves Thai food. As is his way, Logan sets about making all the best Thai recipes in the world.”
I frowned, something tickling the back of my mind. “But Luca is allergic to peanuts?”
Luca smirked. “I am.”
“But Logan doesn’t know it at the time.” Julian grinned ear to ear. “He invites Luca over to the house, in his adorable yet clueless way to woo this alpha. Luca comes over, looking dashing. We have pleasant flirting, lovely conversation, and we sit down to dinner.”
Logan grumbled.
“There’s green curry, pad Thai, spring rolls, and chicken satay with a lovely peanut sauce.”
I couldn’t help but grin at the amusement between the three of them. The tension melted.
“Luca sits down, looks at the food. At the peanut sauce and asks if the green curry has peanuts in it.”
I glanced at Logan, who muttered. “Of course it had peanuts in it.”
Julian chortled. “Luca tells us he’s allergic to peanuts. And then my alpha goes pale and realizes everything he’s cooked has peanuts.”
“Awwww.” I squeezed Logan’s hand. “You must have been crushed.”
“Him?” Luca touched his chest with mock outrage. “What about me? I couldn’t decide if he was flirting or sending a death threat.”
I laughed. “So what happened?”
“I politely thanked him for the effort,” Luca said with dignity. “And ate the spring rolls and the rice.”
“I offered to make him something else.” Logan slid an arm around my waist. “But he didn’t want me to go to the trouble.”
“I had delicious Thai leftovers for days.” Julian sounded smug. “And we got to invite Luca over again for a do-over.”
I looked at Logan. “What did you cook that time?”
“I called his coworkers and found out what he ordered.” Logan grumbled but pushed some hair out of my face.
“Shrimp alfredo?” I guessed. It was usually what Luca ordered when we went out to eat.
“That’s the one.” Julian beamed. “See, you already know his favorite food. Logan made the pasta by hand, got wild caught shrimp the same day, and made the garlic bread from scratch. We would not risk a repeat of the first time.”
“It was pure heaven.” Luca smiled. “I was ready to bond both of them on the spot.”
“We expect you to be human.” Julian squeezed my hand. “We’d prefer it, actually, otherwise we’d have to be perfect all the time.”
“Who wants that?” Logan brushed more of my hair off my shoulder.
“Thank you.” I put my head on Julian’s shoulder, weary from the highs and lows of the day. I had to work, but it would have to wait for tomorrow. “Can we just go to sleep now? I’m exhausted.”
Luca kissed my temple. “Of course we can.”
“I’m beat anyway.” Logan helped us stand up.
We got ready for bed, and I marveled at my luck. I’d messed up, but they were fine. We were fine.
I curled into bed between Julian and Luca, with Logan’s hand stretched over Julian to touch my waist. They whispered they loved me and slipped off to sleep.
Blurry exhaustion pulled me into sleep quickly, but I had strange dreams about falling down cliffs and running without making it anywhere. My dreams shifted to something darker.
A family member was dead, and my heart was breaking. Someone was chasing me, wanted to hurt me and I couldn’t escape them.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart in my throat. Adrenaline pounded in my veins, and I almost jumped straight out of bed. Julian grunted and patted my shoulder.
I froze, afraid to wake him all the way up. I breathed in the scent of the pack around me. Coconuts, with vanilla, and herbs.
Logan’s hand was still on my hip. Julian had rolled over to face me. He looked younger in his sleep, his glossy black hair spread over his shoulder like a curtain, and I could almost picture him as a hell raising teenager, playing pranks and getting up to mischief.
Luca was warm behind me, a solid wall of muscle.
Despite the comfort, my body refused to calm down. I was too hot. So hot, I almost felt sick. I shifted in bed, trying to get comfortable, but my foot was asleep, and I wanted to roll over.
Go back to sleep . It was just a dream.
I sucked in a breath, my mind racing. I had so, so much work to do in the morning. Four different reports, invoices, scheduling five different floral arrangements, booking three different event spots—oh no.
Dread washed over me, and my stomach clenched. I’d completely forgotten to book the event for the Snyder bonding ceremony.
They wanted a beautiful service overlooking the cliffs, but that venue was booked months in advance.
Was it too late? I shifted in bed again, and Luca murmured in his sleep. My mouth tasted like copper, and I willed myself to calm the fuck down.
Even if it felt like a bear was chasing me, I was actually fine…screwing things up at work, but I could fix it.
I hoped. The Snyder’s were a sweet pack, and they deserved to have their ceremony at the place of their dreams.
Slowly, I shifted out of bed. I would crawl out of my skin laying down like this.
I’d had to get up in the middle of the night for some panic work, and I didn’t want to wake anyone else up. They’d ask questions. Offer comfort. I wanted to get it done so I could go back to bed.
I padded into the living room, my skin both cold and hot, clammy with sweat. I opened my laptop, my heart racing, as I clicked through some websites. I would just book that ceremony. And order the flowers. I had to remember to call Janice tomorrow as well. I kept forgetting and I wouldn’t be able to order the right glasses.
I opened three different tabs, typed in the website addresses, and clicked into a new tab before the page finished loading.
Objectively, I needed to focus on one task at a time, but my brain was in panic mode. Waiting felt like a small death. I was also terrified I would forget which was the most important. It was like being in a tunnel, and all I could do was to keep racing ahead.
“Sunshine?” Luca appeared in the living room, his curly hair ruffled from sleep. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of soft sweatpants, his tanned skin glowing in the lamplight. “What’s wrong?”
I looked back at the screen. “Let me click three buttons and I’m coming back to bed.”
Julian and Logan appeared next to him, wearing identical looks of worry.
“I’m sorry.” I waved my hand. “I’m coming right back, I swear. I just remembered some stuff.”
Julian plopped on the couch next to me. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
“I have to work,” I said, my voice sharper than I meant. “There’s a lot of balls in the air right now, and I keep forgetting to do important tasks. If I don’t do it right now, I’m not sure it will be done in time, and I don’t want to forget again.”
Julian exchanged a look with the two alphas.
The nausea rolled over me again. Now they would see what a hot mess I was and lecture me on work habits.
Luca sat on my other side, and Logan sat on the coffee table in front of us. I braced myself.
“Sunshine, my beautiful beta.” Luca’s voice sounded hesitant. That cut through the mental static.
“What?” My heart dropped. “You said four hours ago you weren’t going to break up with me because I’m a hot mess sometimes.”
“Emphasis on the hot,” Julian said softly.
“We’re not breaking up with you.” Luca looked at me, his hands folded in his lap. “We love you. But you’re working yourself really hard, and I think it’s time for help.”
“My sisters would help if they could,” I said. “I’m busier than normal right now.”
I knew it was a lie the second I said it. It wasn’t that I was busy. I just really, really sucked at managing tasks.
“Have you ever been tested for ADHD?” Luca’s voice was still soft.
I frowned. “I’m not hyperactive.”
“That’s not exactly what ADHD means,” Luca said carefully. “I’m not a doctor, I could be wrong, but from my understanding the core issue is the inability to prioritize tasks. You either push things off and do it all in a rush, or you do other things that feel important at the time, but turns out not to be.”
Julian rubbed his chin on my shoulder, absently scent marking me. His scent calmed down some of my racing heart. “Luca has ADHD.”
“I was struggling really hard when I met Logan and Julian. I thought I could do it all. But I could not file briefs on time. I would focus on bits of research and ignore deadlines until I was up for two days finishing things on time. I couldn’t force myself to do anything that I didn’t want to do, no matter how much it matters.”
I winced, looking at the tell-tale laptop in my lap. “I’ve tried every planner system known to mankind. My sisters remind me. Even Julian helps me do things that are stupid and boring.”
Luca raked his hand through his curly black hair and I resisted the urge to touch his hair myself. “Most people don’t have to properly motivate themselves to fill out forms. It feels like death to me.”
“I would rather claw my eyes out.” I gestured at my laptop. “Or I completely space out on something and now I’m in a panic.”
My eyes burned with tears. What a horrible mess. This was such a good look for me, trying to impress these wonderful guys but instead I had a mini nervous breakdown.
“Why not hire an assistant?” Logan’s voice was gruff from sleep. “Logan has like four paralegals right now doing the stupid boring stuff for him.”
I loved how the three of them accepted that I had stupid and boring work tasks. Rob would have lectured me by now on how real adults get their work done, no matter how stupid and boring I thought it was.
Instead, they were trying to help me solve the problem.
“I wouldn’t be able to do half the cases I’m doing if I didn’t have paralegals,” Luca added. “I would be bogged down in research and filing. This way I can focus on the things that I am really good.”
I stared at the neon brightness of my laptop. “I don’t really have enough work for a whole assistant.”
Shame filled me. I didn’t want to think about hiring an assistant. “No one else needs an assistant to make appointments for them.”
Julian pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped us in it. I loved his instinct to always be snuggling. “Is that true though? Who does all the intake forms?”
“Ember and Stella do most of it, but we all help.”
“And the matching?” Logan asked.
“Raina. She’s got the psychology degree. But she’s so organized.”
“More like a control freak,” Julian said. “Your sister is great, but she’s also got issues with letting go. That doesn’t mean she’s more organized than you.”
“But she is. And she reminds me to do stuff, and I try to do it, but something comes up.” I gestured at the laptop. “I have to order yellow roses from Estelle’s. But I have to call on Tuesday mornings because that’s when they take orders. The last two Tuesdays there was either an emergency, or I forgot until it was two and past the cutoff date. When I did remember, I needed the number of flowers, the pickup time, and other info I hadn’t gotten from the pack yet because they didn’t decide.”
I flopped back into Julian in a huff. “There’s times I do remember things, but there’s this stupid series of steps that have to happen first, so I’m always in a state of checking on where we’re at and trying to keep up my end of things.”
“Which is why being an event planner is hard,” Julian said. “No thank you. I’d rather put out literal fires.”
I laughed. “It’s not dangerous.”
“I love dangerous.” He kissed the side of my face.
“How many more events could you work if you weren’t spending your time chasing these essential, yet small impact tasks?” Logan asked, grabbing a notepad off the side table.
“I don’t know.” I set my head on Julian’s shoulder. Luca and Logan took up positions on either side of us. It was becoming routine, but each time we cuddled together it felt as exciting as the first time.
“First step.” Logan held up a pen. “Tell us all the things you have to do that’re stressing you out.”
“Yes, that’s a great idea.” Luca rubbed my back in slow circles.
I frowned. “Don’t we have to sleep?”
“Are you going to be able to sleep like this?” Luca cocked his head. “I never could when I was really worried about work.”
“That doesn’t mean you guys need to lose sleep.” I grumbled. “Julian, you have to work in the morning.”
“I can nap if I need it.” Julian squeezed me. He was contented, and no matter how hard I looked for annoyance and resentment, none of the pack showed it.
Logan was perky with a notepad, and Luca was looking thoughtful, but relaxed.
They were all looking delightfully rumpled and sexy in their sweatpants and messy hair. I resisted the urge to start kissing them and picked up my laptop. I scrolled through the lists of stuff to do. Shame ate a hole inside me at all of the items left unfinished.
I cleared my throat when I was done. “I’m normally more on the ball.”
Luca arched an eyebrow. “I was almost a year behind on filing before I decided to ask for help. This is nothing.”
“And by ‘ask for help’, he means had a nervous breakdown,” Julian added cheerfully.
Luca sighed. “Yeah. The only thing saving me was my hyperfocus on bits of cases allowed me to pull out clauses and other information that kept us winning big cases.”
Logan frowned at the notepad. “This is all perfectly doable. I can call Estelle tomorrow and ask about the flowers.”
“You don’t have to keep doing me favors,” I grumbled. “I’m a big girl.”
“You’re my beta,” Logan said. “I love you, and I’m going to help. This is easy.”
Luca gestured at my laptop. “Can I look at your lists? Sometimes having another set of eyes helps.”
I leaned back into Julian. My skin still felt clammy and twitchy. Julian was helping, like he was a walking, talking cuddle machine that would keep me from the worst of the panic.
“We got this,” Julian ran his hands through my hair again.
“I’m going down the list, and you tell me anything that has to be done by you and you alone.” Logan added, patting my knee.
“That helped me a lot,” Luca grinned. “Logan’s very good at priorities.”
Logan shrugged like it wasn’t a superpower. “Being a chef helps me learn how to focus on one thing until it’s time for the next thing.”
“I still freak out about work sometimes,” Luca said, tucking a long leg underneath himself. “I’d come home, have a little tantrum, and then Logan makes me go through my list like this.”
“I’m ready,” I said feeling cautiously optimistic.
One by one, Logan went through every single task on the list. He grouped them by action items like “appointment booking”, “in person event space”, and other things.
We also talked about when each thing was due. Luca helped with that, pulling dates out of my spreadsheets.
I was shocked that almost half of the things on my list, and most of the ones that were stressing me out, was stuff someone else could do.
“You need an assistant.” Logan tapped the pen against the notepad.
I shook my head no. “I can ask Holly to help me with appointments. She was great during Julian’s heat. I just need to be better organized.”
Luca arched an eyebrow. “Just because your siblings don’t need an assistant doesn’t mean you don’t. Luna does an amazing job with the landscaping, but she’s not juggling four or five events at any given time. Anyone would need help.”
“But you think I have ADHD.”
Luca held up his hands. “I might be wrong. It might be stress. Either way, you need help and it’s not weak to ask for it.”
I frowned, thinking about how I was supposed to tell my family I couldn’t do my own job.
“Don’t give me that look.” Luca said, mock-stern.
“Think of it as a sous chef if you want,” Logan said with a smile. “Your time is worth a lot more than spending most of it scheduling flowers.”
“If I explain everything to Ember, Stella or Terran, I have to go through this long list of why they can’t let the McClellan’s book through Seiver’s Services, and to make sure the napkins are folded right.”
“Because you’re the executive chef,” Logan replied. “You’re doing quality control.”
“You don’t need one of your family to pitch in occasionally. You need one person who’s familiar with the business.” Luca added. “My paralegals only work with me. It’s too complicated to get anyone else up to speed on my cases, especially since they drag out for months.”
“I have someone in mind.” Logan looked thoughtful. “She’s young, and she hasn’t been doing events very long, but I think you’d prefer to train someone the way you wanted them to handle things rather than butt heads with someone who’s been doing it for years.”
“Shouldn’t she have someone with experience?” Julian piped up.
“I like the idea of someone less experienced.” I rubbed my face on Julian’s bare chest. If I could bottle his coconut-pineapple scent, I could just huff it any time I got stressed. I would just have to steal one of his sweatshirts to take with me to work.
“You can interview her, see if she’s a good fit.” Logan added quickly. “I’m not trying to step on your toes. She’s sweet, easy going, and very organized. Find someone who compliments your strengths and covers your weaknesses.”
“That’s what she has us for.” Julian nuzzled into my neck.
“I do, don’t I?” I laid against my omega. “You guys are amazing.”
“We are,” Julian said happily.
Slowly some of the doom and dread left. Exhaustion followed in its wake, and I closed my eyes. My omega ran his hand through my hair, and for a moment the living room was quiet.
“Let’s go to sleep,” Logan said softly. “We’ve got a plan.”
“I’ll talk to Raina tomorrow,” I said even though the thought made me tired. “Show her the list.”
We headed back into bed, and when I curled up between Julian and Logan, I finally relaxed.
I wasn’t sure what more I could do that would make them not want me. I was a hot mess this entire week and instead of being disgusted, condescending, and annoyed, they were helpful. Supportive. Offering solutions and comfort instead of telling me I was an adult, and I should know better.
They didn’t seem to love me any less than before, even though I kept waiting to make the final mistake.
The thought made me feel lighter, like I could fly. It was almost a relief for them to see me at my most anxious three-raccoons-in-a-trench-coat state.
I fell asleep tucked in their arms and didn’t dream about bears chasing me.