Seven years before
Say Don't Go - Taylor Swift
When Erik woke the following morning, he bolted up the stairs, ready to spend the day making up for lost time. Maybe he could take Abby to her favourite breakfast place and they could snuggle in the corner booth while they shared cinnamon flapjacks and fresh berries. After, a long walk with plenty of time to talk and hold her hand and kiss. He was planning on doing a lot of kissing.
But when he entered his bedroom to wake her, his bed was neatly made, and Abby was gone.
Everything okay?
Erik ignored his phone as he showered, brushed his teeth, and got dressed, as if not looking would make her text back faster. When she still hadn’t responded, he grabbed his house keys and ran out the door, heart pounding in his chest.
She’d seemed so happy the night before. She’d kissed him back at the lake. He could still feel the ghost of her body pressed into his. They had traded smiles on the drive home. She had smiled after that whisper of a goodnight kiss too.
But Abby never volunteered to leave after spending the night at his house. A sense of obligation might see her shuffling home sometime in the afternoon, but typically they spent warm days lazing in the garden, reading side by side. At the very least, they always ate breakfast together.
She’d never left before Erik had even woken up.
Her dad let him in when he got to the house, gesturing up the stairs with a nod of his head. While Andrew was typically an early riser, he only started talking after his second cup of coffee.
There was no answer when Erik knocked on Abby’s bedroom door. No answer when he called her name softly. That pit of dread settled deeper in his stomach as he turned the door handle and was greeted by the sight of her sitting on the floor, headphones on, cuddling a toy he’d won at a fair a million years before. He was amazed she still had it.
As he got closer, he noticed the red rings around her eyes. Fuck .
‘Hey,’ Abby murmured, pulling her headphones off.
‘What’s wrong?’ Erik asked, cautiously taking the last few steps towards her. ‘Why did you leave so early? And why didn’t you wake me first?’
‘Nothing’s wrong. I just…’ She attempted a smile. Her lips barely curved up.
‘Don’t lie to me,’ Erik begged, dropping to sit in front of her so they were eye to eye. ‘Please. Did…did I do something last night?’ He’d thought it was a dream, but her face was saying otherwise.
‘No. You were fine.’ Still, she tried to widen that wobbly smile. ‘It was late, and we were tired, and on a high from the dance, I think. And that’s why we kissed, right?’
No. No .
Erik shook his head, pain pinching at his heart. Every ounce of self-preservation in his body screamed at him to lie, to tell her what she clearly wanted to hear. But these words had been threatening to burst from him for years, and he’d been so sure it was finally the moment.
Maybe she was just scared, like he had been for so long. Maybe she needed some reassurance, to know that he was in this for real. He’d thought the kiss would be enough to show her. An oversight on his part. Abby needed words.
‘Abby, I kissed you because I have feelings for you. Because I’ve had feelings for you for a while. And if I misread things that badly, I’m sorry. Really. But it seemed like…it seemed like you might feel the same. You said it was a perfect kiss,’ he finished softly.
She shook her head, silver tears threatening in the corners of her eyes. ‘It was a great kiss. I just think,’ she paused, drawing in a ragged breath, ‘I think it would be better if we stayed friends.’
The words were like a shard of ice to his heart, freezing over any remnants of joy from the night before.
‘Why?’ His voice came out harder than it normally did with Abby, but it was taking all his control to keep it steady. There wasn’t any of him left to focus on moderating his tone.
After a few moments of quiet, Abby’s words tumbled out in a rush. ‘We’re about to go to different unis and it’s going to be new and scary and I’m—I’m going to need my best friend to get through it.’
For the first time since he’d entered the room, Erik summoned the courage to touch her, taking her hand gently in his own. It was a small comfort that she didn’t pull away. ‘I can’t support you as your boyfriend?’ That small, silly, inconsequential word that he had dreamed of hearing her say.
‘I don’t want to ruin what we have, Erik. You mean too much to me to risk losing you.’
That was fine. He had no intention of losing her, and said as much.
‘Long distance never works.’
‘It would for us. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Sunshine, but we’re not exactly normal.’
A small, wet laugh bubbled from her throat, and hope rose in his chest. Hope that was quickly dashed when she spoke again.
‘It’s better this way—before things get any more complicated. Before feelings go any deeper and this becomes something we can’t go back from.’
As if his feelings for her could cut any deeper than they already did. She was entrenched in the most hidden parts of his soul. The thought that he could feel any more for her might be funny if his frozen heart wasn’t busy shattering. They’d been so close. So close to everything he’d ever wanted.
Everything that for one brief, shining night, he’d thought she finally wanted too.
‘No. I don’t buy it. If this is really what you want, why are you so upset?’
As if on cue, more tears fell from Abby’s eyes. ‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ she whispered.
Ironic , he thought, considering this was the most pain he’d ever been in.
‘I don’t give a shit about me,’ he said softly, leaning in to brush away the wet streaks on her face. He half expected her to pull away, knowing he wouldn’t be able to take it if she did. Although he thought it might have broken his heart even more that she allowed the gentle intimacy, still seeking comfort from him even while she pushed him away. ‘Why are you hurting yourself?’
Abby shook her head. ‘I want this, Erik. Please. I want us to be friends.’
‘I—Okay. Okay. I should leave. We’re going out to my grandparents later.’ He’d planned to invite her. His grandmother adored Abby. She would have been thrilled to see them together. In truth, he still had hours before they needed to leave. Hours he had been hoping to fill with her. But blood was beginning to roar in his ears. Noise filled his brain. And he needed to get out of there before he broke entirely. It cut into him to stand and step towards her door. He couldn’t bear to look at her as he spoke once more, lingering on the threshold. ‘Text me if you want to hang out, I guess.’