THIRTY-THREE
Madelyn
I’m such a fucking mess.
I’ve been living in Jaxson’s house for a few weeks now. I’m in his bed more often than not. He hasn’t touched me—not sexually. He only holds me, his embrace providing a sense of comfort and safety I can’t find anywhere else. The only way I’m able to sleep is with his muscled arms wrapped tightly around me.
I’m doing better. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same girl I was before, but according to Autumn, it’s completely normal to feel that way. As if I’m anything close to normal. My experiences have changed me as a person, and I’m starting to get used to the new me. I’m not entirely different. More of the old Madelyn is shining through, and I have to admit, I’m glad she’s not completely lost.
So yeah, I’m doing better. But only during the day.
Nighttime...that’s a whole different story. At night, in the dark, that’s where my demons come out to play. I have terrible nightmares. Horrible dreams where I relive the worst moments with David. Those times when he hurt me the most. I wake up from a dead sleep. Sweaty, heartbeat racing, gasping for air.
Those aren’t the ones that torment me. It’s the good dreams that do the real damage. They’re worse than the nightmares. The dreams where I’m living happily, watching both of my babies grow up. Those are the ones that haunt me. The ones that cause me to cry in my sleep. The ones that were never reality...and never will be.
I tried sleeping on my own for the first few days, but Jax put a stop to that after I woke up screaming with tears soaking my pillow. He said it broke his heart to watch me suffer that way. So at night, I allow him to hold me because it keeps my demons at bay.
I know I’m being unfair to him. He doesn’t expect anything from me—he’s too damn good for that— but I still can’t bring myself to talk to him about our past. Every time he tries, I shut him down.
He accepts my excuses every time without argument. He won’t push. Won’t force me to talk before I’m ready. Jaxson won’t do anything that might possibly upset me. I remember him being the same way when we were together. Never wanting to rock the boat. Hating to see me upset. He’s always been this way when it comes to me, but he’s even more careful after everything I’ve been through.
I know him too well. And I’m a bitch for taking advantage of that knowledge.
The truth is...I’m afraid. Selfishly, I’m afraid to lose him, afraid to push him away. And I’m just not ready to risk that yet. As much as I’m healing, I use him as an emotional crutch, and I’ve been hesitant to take a chance to lose the shoulder I lean on the most. I’m not sure I’m strong enough without him.
My feelings for Jaxson are stronger than ever. I love him. So much so that I’m terrified he’ll eventually walk away. The way I walked away from him years ago. God, I wouldn’t even blame him.
For all my worry, though, I know the truth. He won’t walk away unless I push him. The only way I can see that happening is if I keep avoiding the inevitable.
It’s time to face the past head on. No more hiding behind my fear. Time to get it all out in the open. The truths, the secrets...the lies. It’s time to see if we can salvage any of the broken parts. If we can rebuild a life from the broken pieces left behind when our worlds exploded. Desperate choices, mistakes, and tragedy have brought us here, but is there truly anything left to save?
Tonight is technically Jaxson’s night off from the bar, but he had to go in to help my brother figure out some type of problem. I didn’t ask. I’ve been too busy sorting out the shit in my head, convincing myself that it’s now or never. We’re talking about things—tonight.
Making myself as comfortable as possible in the living room, I curl into the corner of the plush sofa and wait for him to come home. This house is beautiful, and not for the first time, I wonder if I was on his mind when he chose. The land, the house, the way it’s furnished and decorated. It’s everything I would have wanted if it were our home.
The last few years, I would have never imagined calling his house ‘home,’ but if I’m being honest, nowhere else has ever felt like home. Not without Jaxson. I know it’s because home isn’t a place. It’s a feeling. One that I’ve only ever had with him.
An hour passes before he finally walks through the door. Those sixty minutes gave me plenty of time to psych myself out. I’m suddenly having second thoughts, wondering if I can really do this.
He notices me instantly, his eyes finding me easily in the dark room. He stands in the doorway, his shoulder leaning against the jamb. Gazed focused on me, he searches for something in my eyes.
“You look like you’re waging a war with yourself, baby,” he rasps.
Pulling my knees closer to my chest, I watch as he moves to flick on a small lamp.
“I am,” I admit.
“Fair enough,” he says, taking a seat in the chair across from me. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him. Eyes laser-focused on me, he asks, “You come to a decision?”
I don’t answer him right away.
In fact, he watches me closely, concern filling those hazel eyes. When I still don’t speak, he asks, “Mads...you okay, baby?”
I start to nod, but the movement turns to a shake of my head.
Voice thick, clogged with emotion, I tell him, “It’s so hard...to talk to you about the things that happened so long ago.”
“I know, baby, but we have to talk about it eventually.”
I know that. But knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to do.
“Take your time, Mads. Tell me why you left me.”
Fidgeting with a loose thread on my knee-high sock, I keep my eyes locked on the small movements of my fingers. I can’t look at him. Not now.
“I was a mess, Jaxson. I’m still a mess. But I wasn’t in a good place. I couldn’t see through my own grief, my own pain. Leaving you was a mistake. I knew it...even then, I knew, but I was too blinded by my foolish anger and stubborn pride. I wouldn’t let my decision be swayed. They tried, Jax. My family tried to change my mind, to convince me to stay. I wouldn’t hear it. I was desperate to escape. I chose to run from the pain rather than face it.”
My voice is low and raspy, thick with emotion and laced with the tears I try to hold back.
“I hadn’t known about the baby long. Barely long enough for it to really sink in that I was pregnant. I was so happy, Jax. So fuckin’ happy to have a piece of us growing inside of me.”
I finally find the courage to look at him. The love shining in his eyes slays me. I can see through it. Behind the love lies the hurt and frustration he tries to keep buried.
“I wanted to plan some kinda surprise to tell you. One of those cute little ideas you see online...ya know?” He nods, eyes glistening. “The baby may not have been planned, but I knew you’d be happy too, so I wanted to make it special.”
“Then...the party. And the accident. When I woke in the hospital and the doctor looked at me with pity in his eyes...when he told me that I lost the baby…” Tears fall without permission, my body betraying me when I need to be strong. “God...I was devastated. Destroyed. I couldn’t process what had happened. I needed somewhere to place the blame, and in my head...it was your fault.”
Talking about this is painful, that’s why I avoided it for so long. Old feelings come flooding back with a vengeance. The hurt. The loss. The anger. The blame. I can’t stop the memories from taking over.
Through frustrated tears, I let it all out. Everything I’ve held in for so long.
“That fucking party ruined everything, Jaxson. I never wanted to go to that stupid party. I tried to tell you. You wouldn’t listen to me. Even when I wanted to leave...you wouldn’t listen to what I wanted. Why did we have to go to that stupid fucking party, Jaxson? Why?” I cry.