Chapter Ten
About a week after “the kiss” as Aria thought of it, Sierra asked Aria and the baby to lunch.
Between Ryan’s “I don’t deserve” love comment, him saying “something” happened in Afghanistan, and then saying he couldn’t talk about it, she needed information.
She didn’t know how much Sierra knew about Ryan and Connor’s time in Afghanistan, but she had to know more than Aria did.
After all, she and Connor were married. Prior to a few days ago, beyond saying he’d been there, Ryan hadn’t talked about his military service.
Ever. Not to anyone, she suspected. But if he had, that person would be Connor.
So yes, she wondered about his explanation about why he’d left.
But damn, she thought more about the kiss.
She thought about that kiss daily, and she shouldn’t have.
It hadn’t been that big a deal. But for that short time she’d forgotten all the problems with their relationship and only remembered what it had been like when they were together.
Good. Sometimes great. Sometimes even magical.
And then he’d left. And she came back to reality with a crash.
At least since the war, Ryan had never stayed in one place, or with one woman for long. Their liaison had lasted two years, which was the longest he’d had. He seemed to think he’d changed but she wasn’t so sure. How could she be?
She met Sierra at FlintWorks in the old train depot.
The red-brick brewpub was fairly new and the food, according to Sierra and others, was great.
It wasn’t too loud for the baby, at least during the day.
In the evening the ads said they often had live bands and lots of people. This was Aria’s first time there.
They ordered, fish and chips for her, a Reuben sandwich for Sierra, and tea for both of them. Dessert looked great but they both decided to wait and see how full they were before ordering that.
“You look like you have something on your mind,” Sierra said once they’d ordered, gotten their drinks, and Aria had settled Sophie with a toy and her “lovey”—a soft toy with a panda head and a fabric body. “Want to talk about it?”
“I do. Ryan said something the other day that I’ve been stewing about ever since.”
“Uh-oh. What did he say?”
“Ryan talked to me a little about his service. At least, I suppose you can call it talking. I asked him why he left Denver.” Why he’d left her.
“He said he fell in love with me, even though he didn’t want to.
When I asked why he said he ‘didn’t deserve to.
’ And then he said ‘something’ happened in Afghanistan. But that’s all he would say.”
“Well, that explains it.” Sierra set her tea down with a satisfied thump.
“Explains what? It didn’t explain a thing to me.”
“Ryan came over the other night,” Sierra said. “He and Connor had a long, serious talk.”
“I hope Connor talked some sense into him.”
“I don’t know about that. I asked Connor what they talked about and beyond telling me it was about the war he wouldn’t say a word. He said it was Ryan’s story to tell or not.” She drank some tea. “But Connor had talked to me about what happened in Afghanistan. His part of it.
“Connor was in love with one of the medics. Casey was her name. She broke up with him because she was in love with Ryan. And then she died. I got the story out of Connor in bits and pieces and over several weeks. He doesn’t like talking about it any more than Ryan does.”
“I don’t think that’s all there is to it,” Aria said. “Casey died but something else must have happened. You said she told Connor she was in love with Ryan, but you didn’t say whether Ryan was in love with her.”
“Connor didn’t say.”
As they both ate, she thought about that. “I think he was in love with her too. But as to whether he acted on it, who knows?”
“I’m pretty sure he didn’t. I’d think Connor would have been pissed off if Ryan had confessed to that. And they were getting along fine after their talk.”
“It looks like I’ll have to wait until Ryan is willing to talk about it. Assuming he ever is.”
Sierra patted her hand. “Something tells me that isn’t the only problem.”
“If only.” She sighed. She needed to talk to someone, and Sierra was already a friend, with potential to become a close friend.
So she bit the bullet. “I think I’m still in love with Ryan.
Honestly, I never got over him. I found out that was impossible for me to do since he is the baby’s father.
I tried to get over him but it just didn’t work. ”
“So, what’s the problem? He seems very committed to you and Sophie.”
“He’s committed to Sophie. Me, not so much. I think he wants sex from me but I’m not sure if he wants more.”
“Are you tempted?”
Aria closed her eyes. Images of their lovemaking flooded her mind. Not the time or place, damn it. “Oh, yeah. Extremely. But I’m not sure I can keep it casual with the father of my child.” Not to mention, the man she was still in love with.
“Maybe he wants more too.”
Aria looked down to see she’d finished off her fish and chips. “Damn it, I meant to only eat half. That’s what happens when I start trying to figure out Ryan.”
“You want Ryan to be involved with Sophie, don’t you?”
“Yes, or I wouldn’t have moved here.”
“Do you want to be involved with him again? Beyond sex, I mean.”
“Yes. No. Oh, I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid of being hurt again.”
“I get that. I’m divorced from my first husband. Then, after Connor and I got involved, my ex decided he wanted me back. We’d had good times, but it was nothing as good as what Connor and I have.”
“You had a clear choice. I don’t think I do.”
“Don’t hate me for saying this, but I think you’re going to have to wait and see. Things will become clearer the longer you’re around each other again.”
“I hate when you’re right.”
Sierra laughed. “As long as you don’t hate me.”
“Of course not. I’m happy to have a friend who can be honest with me.” She finished off her tea. “Besides, I’d already figured that out. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
*
Aria hated being wishy-washy. On the one hand, she wanted Ryan.
On the other, she was afraid of what would happen if she got involved with him again.
On a physical level, that is. But really, could it be any worse than it already was?
She was in love with him. Still. Maybe she should just relax and see what happened.
Maybe having sex would lead to more. And maybe it wouldn’t and she was just kidding herself.
She said to hell with it and called Ryan. “Are you working this weekend?”
“Friday. Not Saturday or Sunday. Why?”
“I thought I’d cook but it would be great if you could come play with the baby while I do. I’ve been known to burn things if I’m the only one here. So, how about Saturday? You could come over around four. Sophie should be up from her nap by then.”
“That would be great. I’ll bring some wine. Red or white?”
“Red works.”
“Okay, I’ll see you then. And Aria?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks for asking me.”
“You’re welcome.” She hung up, satisfied with her newfound decisiveness.
Of course, that didn’t last long. Very shortly after she hung up with Ryan, she began second-guessing herself. Would this lead to more than she was ready for? Ryan would absolutely stop if she told him she wasn’t ready to go any further than kisses. But would she?
Aria hadn’t had sex in a long time. She really liked sex, especially with Ryan. When they had kissed she remembered what being with him was like and damn, was it tempting to say to hell with her reservations and follow her instincts. But would that be wise?
Probably not. She still didn’t trust Ryan to stick around. She knew he would for a while. She suspected he even meant to stay. But would the siren call that had sent him off to yet another new place ever since his time in Afghanistan be too tempting to resist?
She didn’t know, and she didn’t see how she ever would. At some point she’d have to take him on faith and hope for the best. And if he broke her heart again at least she’d have tried.
Not that she meant to tell Ryan her heart was at risk. No way. Better he think she was only in it for the sex.
*
Ryan considered Aria’s invitation to dinner a big step forward.
Instead of him being the one asking to see her and the baby, Aria had asked him.
And she was cooking. He chose a smooth Pinot Noir, figuring it would go with whatever she decided to cook.
She wouldn’t tell him, either, saying he’d figure it out when he got there.
He knocked and when no one came to the door, he opened it and walked in. “Aria?”
“In the kitchen.”
He walked in, sniffed, and said, “Oh, my God. Is that what I think it is?”
“If you think it’s lasagna then yes. I know it’s early, but I wanted to get it ready to pop in the oven. Sophie woke up a little while ago. I changed her and put her on her tummy while I came in here. I thought it might occupy her for a bit.”
He wondered why she’d done everything before he got there, since he was supposed to be tending to Sophie so Aria could cook. But he didn’t ask, figuring she had to have a reason. He just had no idea what it was.
“Will you go get her?” Aria asked Ryan. “And she’ll need a bottle. I’ll get it ready.”
“You’re not nursing at all anymore?”
“No. I think I told you, she wasn’t gaining as much as she should have, so I supplemented. Once I started supplementing, my milk production went way down, so I quit.”
“Okay.” Having never had a child or thought about it much, he had no idea when women quit nursing. He imagined it varied with the woman.
She said, a bit defensively, he thought, “I nursed her for four months. The first three months are supposed to be the most important.”
“Okay,” he repeated. “I wasn’t implying anything.”
“You sounded judgmental.”
He stared at her. Where had that come from? “Aria, I know absolutely nothing about nursing a baby. Why would I judge you?”
She shrugged. “I’m sorry. I’m a little touchy about it. I wanted to nurse for longer, but I couldn’t. It was frustrating and—and depressing, if you want the truth.”
He put his hand on her shoulder. “You’re doing a great job.”
“Thanks. It’s a lot sometimes. Being the primary parent.”
“I can help as much as you let me.”
“I know. Which is why we’re going to give her a bath later. It’s something you should know how to do.”
Sophie had been gradually getting louder so Ryan left the kitchen to get her. She was lying on her stomach like Aria had said. As he watched, she flipped to her back. When had she started doing that?
Aria still had her crib in her room, not having moved her yet. But then, the construction crew had only recently finished with the baby’s room. And something told him Aria wasn’t anxious to move the baby to her own room.
After checking her diaper, he carried her into the kitchen. “Did you know she’s rolling onto her back from her tummy?” It seemed early to him, but he wasn’t sure. He needed to get a book to keep up with Sophie’s milestones.
“Yes, she only recently started that.” She handed him the bottle. “Here you go.”
Ryan took a seat at the table, turning out the chair so he could hold the baby in his arms to feed her.
He looked down at her, smiling when he thought about how perfect she was.
Her tiny hands and fingers, her soft, peach-colored skin, the dark head of hair, surprisingly thick for a baby.
Sometimes he couldn’t believe he’d had a part in making this perfect little person.
He was a lucky man.