Chapter Eleven
“I’m uh—I’ll be back,” Aria said in a rush as she left the kitchen.
What was she going to do? Watching Ryan with Sophie made all the longing become stronger.
The way he looked at his child, the way he touched her tiny hands, and smiled into her face with a look of wonder on his own.
It made her want. She wanted a family. The three of them together. Not simply temporarily but for always.
That was a pipe dream and she knew it. But just because she couldn’t have the pipe dream didn’t mean she couldn’t have anything at all. Ryan was still attracted to her. And God knew she was attracted to him. Could she be content with a physical connection? One that could end at any time?
Sometimes she wanted to say to hell with caution and go for it.
Let the sizzle between them reach its inevitable end.
Because it was still there. Still as hot and explosive as it ever was.
What would be the harm? It wasn’t as if she could fall any more in love with him.
Or that having sex with Ryan would make her any less in love with him.
She had plenty of time to think about this.
Right now she needed to bathe Sophie and teach Ryan how to do it on his own.
“After you burp her, bring her along to her bathroom. I’ll warm up the room.
” She’d just finished arranging the baby tub, towels, toys, and baby shampoo when Ryan brought her in.
He’d stripped her down to her diaper and brought a clean diaper along with him for after the bath.
Aria let Ryan bathe her, with instructions from her, of course. He was a natural at this too. She wondered if there was anything Ryan Hunter wasn’t a natural at. If so, she hadn’t discovered it yet.
“Does Sophie always sleep this late for her nap?”
“It varies. She had a late nap.”
“Will she still go to bed around seven?” He took the baby washcloth and swiped it gently over her face.
“Usually. Sometimes it’s harder to get her to go down than others. But she’s almost always in bed by seven thirty at the latest.”
When he finished, Ryan got her out of the bath and wrapped her in a towel. “I’ll put her pajamas on. I know where they are.”
“I’ve been reading her a bedtime story every night. Would you like to do it tonight?”
“Sure. Where are the books?”
“On the little bookshelf in her bedroom. The rocker and crib are still in my room so you can go there once you pick out a book.”
“When are you planning to move her bed?”
“Not yet.” She wasn’t ready. Wasn’t sure when she would be. “What?” she asked him, seeing his grin.
“Nothing.”
“You think I need to do it now, don’t you?”
“I think you should do it when you think it’s time. But tell me when you do so I can move the furniture for you.”
*
Putting Sophie to bed had been a lot less traumatic than Ryan had feared.
Getting her into her jammies was easy. He suspected once she could roll over more easily it wouldn’t be so struggle-free.
First, he’d read to her. Then she’d taken her bottle, been burped, her diaper checked, and then he laid her down on her back.
He remembered Aria saying she slept with a pacifier so he found it and put it in her mouth.
She snuggled in and fell asleep in seconds.
He walked into the kitchen feeling a little proud of himself. “She’s asleep,” he told Aria.
“That was quick.”
“Does she always do that?”
“Most of the time.”
Aria had set the table with what he recognized as her nice dishes and silverware.
Not too fancy but nicer than the stuff she used every day.
He couldn’t figure her out. She’d basically told him nothing was going to happen between them.
Yet here she was helping him bathe Sophie, fixing dinner for them, and making sure the baby was asleep before serving dinner.
If she was anyone else he’d think she was giving him the go-ahead to at least explore options.
With Aria he had no idea what it meant.
He knew what he hoped. That she’d changed her mind and was ready to take things further with him. As much as he wanted the sex, he also wanted more.
He wanted her to love him.
Ryan opened the wine and poured them each a glass.
Aria had mentioned she wanted one since she was no longer nursing.
They sat at the table and tapped their glasses together.
Dinner was nice and the lasagna terrific.
Eating together reminded him of when they’d been together before they’d really gotten to know each other.
When they’d asked each other questions about their lives, their work, and whatever happened during their day.
“How is the greenhouse coming along?”
“Great. I can’t believe how fast it’s going. Paul said it should be finished next week.”
“Need some help moving your plants in?”
He knew she had a number of them on her back porch. “I’d love some but first I have to make sure all the systems work. Heating, cooling, drip irrigation. Probably other things I’m forgetting.”
“Are you planning to hire an assistant?” He thought she’d have to considering the baby needing attention throughout the day.
“Yes. At first just part-time, probably a college student, since they usually have time during the day they can work me in. At least until I figure out exactly what I’ll need. At some point I’ll need full-time help, but I’m not sure when that will be.”
“Aren’t you going to need help with the baby?”
“Yes. I’m thinking of hiring a housekeeper who can also look after the baby.
Even though I’ll have my baby monitor and camera, I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone in her crib for more than a few minutes.
Not to mention, there will be times I can’t have her with me at all.
Such as when I spray. Chemicals and babies don’t mix. But I can bring her with me sometimes.”
“How?”
“I have a baby sling and when she gets a little older, I can get a backpack carrier. I won’t have customers for a while. At least until I open to the public. I’ve got to get everything set up, buy more plants, propagate some, and just get ready in general. Customers are pretty far down the road.”
“I can help when I’m not working.” He didn’t know of a way to ask her how she was fixed for money without insulting her, but even part-time help, not to mention a housekeeper, was bound to be expensive. Still, knowing Aria, she’d accounted for that before she ever moved.
“Ryan, I don’t expect you to spend every spare moment with Sophie. You have a life beyond the hospital and the baby.”
Actually, he didn’t. And oddly enough, he was content for it to be that way. “I like to be with her. And with you,” he added. Was that alarm he saw in her eyes? If so, why had she asked him to dinner? Maybe she was conflicted and couldn’t decide what she wanted.
He sure as hell knew what he wanted. Aria. In his arms, in bed, anywhere he could have her.
“Nothing needs to be decided yet. Do you want dessert now or would you rather wait?”
“I’ll help you clean up first.” He thought about it then asked, “What kind of dessert?”
“Nothing fancy. I bought ice cream.”
“I like ice cream.”
She smiled. “I know.”
He helped with the dishes, washing what didn’t go in the dishwasher while she dried, another task that reminded him of when they were together. “Do you ever think about when we were together?”
“I try not to. Why?”
That was discouraging. “I think about it.” He let the water out of the sink and dried his hands on a dish towel. “I wonder why I left. I wish I hadn’t.”
“But you did.”
Yes, he had. Coward that he was. Someday, if he wanted to have more with her, to have it all, he’d have to explain why he left. Because saying “something happened” wasn’t explaining. And saying he left for fear of falling in love with her without explaining the why of it wasn’t enough.
But he didn’t have to do it now. They were getting along. Aria was softening, sending signals that she wanted more. If he tried to explain everything now he risked blowing up the progress they’d made.
No, it was better to wait.
*
Could she do this? Hell, she should have decided before she invited him to dinner. Face it, she told herself, you did decide. You’re just procrastinating now. Putting it off because you’re afraid.
Ryan raised his hand and cupped her cheek. “I missed you. So much. Every time I told myself I’d get over it, get over you, I knew I was lying.”
She’d missed him too. But she wouldn’t—couldn’t—admit it. Sex she could deal with. Anything deeper was a no-go. She needed to protect herself and Sophie. Because even though she still loved Ryan, maybe always would, she couldn’t give him the ability to hurt her again.
“Ryan, you know I’m attracted to you. But that’s all it is. Attraction, lust, not to mention I’ve been celibate since you left Denver.”
His hand dropped. “What are you saying, Aria?”
“I’m saying if something happens between us we need to be clear. We’re not together anymore. We won’t be together. All this is between us”—she motioned between them—“is lust. Scratching an itch.”
“What if we want more?”
“I don’t.”
“I do.”
“Maybe you just think you do. Because you care about the baby so you think you need to care about me too.”
“I do care about you. I always have. I spent the last several months wishing I hadn’t left you.”
“But still, you did. If I hadn’t brought Sophie here, I’d never have seen you again.”
“You’re wrong. I wanted to see you. I was slow realizing how badly I missed you and how much I wanted to be with you.”
“Ryan, I care about you. You gave me a child, a child I love more than anything in this world. I’d never have been with you if I hadn’t cared about you.
“There are different ways of caring, though. You’re the father of my child. That means you’ll always hold a place in my heart. As Sophie’s father, but not as anything more.”
“When I left Denver, I wasn’t sure you even cared that I had left,” he said. “You didn’t act like it. You never said anything to indicate you were even upset.”
“Because we had a temporary exclusive relationship. We never lived together. We never even discussed having more than a casual relationship. How could I complain when I’d gone into it with my eyes wide open?”
“If your eyes were so wide open, then why are you holding a grudge?”
“I’m not. But I’m also not opening myself up to that kind of relationship again. I need more now. I have a child to consider.”
“You just said you didn’t want more. Now you’re saying you need more.” He stared at her as anger suffused his face. “Oh, I get it now. You don’t want more with me.”
“I didn’t say that.” She’d hurt him. She hadn’t intended to. Or maybe she had. God, was she that vindictive?
“You didn’t need to. You might scratch an itch with me but that’s all it would be.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I … care about you.
But I can’t afford to let you in again. Not really.
When you left it really hurt me. Then I found out I was pregnant and I didn’t know what to do.
It was never in doubt that I’d keep the baby.
But telling you was in doubt. I decided not to tell you. I didn’t believe you’d care.”
“Which makes me wonder why the hell you brought Sophie to meet me.”
He was getting angrier but she’d only spoken the truth. “I told you why. I was able to think more clearly after I had her. You’re her father. I want her to have a father in her life.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t. I think she needs both of us, but that doesn’t mean we need to be together.”
“Other than sexually, right?”
She rubbed a hand over her eyes. “You’re making me sound horrible. Like I’d just be using you for sex.”
He laughed without humor. “I hate to tell you, darlin’, but that’s exactly what you’d be doing if I agreed to it. Apparently, you have no idea how insulting that is.”
“Why are you making everything so complicated? Why can’t we go back to what we had before? We had a nice, uncomplicated sexual relationship. We were both happy.” Except she hadn’t been. Not really. But things were different now. She was different now.
She had needs. So did Ryan. She knew they were compatible sexually. Actually, they’d been explosive in the past. As long as she didn’t allow herself to fall for him again, she thought, ignoring the fact that she’d never stopped. As long as they kept it casual she could be with him.
She could do that. Right?
“Maybe you can do this. Have sex but no deeper relationship. But I can’t. Not with you. I need more.” With that he walked out the door.