Chapter Twelve
The next day Ryan ran into Connor as they were both leaving the hospital.
“You look like your dog died,” Connor said. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t have a dog.”
“Maybe you should get one. Seriously, what’s wrong?”
“What are you, a girl?”
Connor snorted. “Let’s go get a beer at Grey’s.”
Grey’s was their go-to for beer and quick food. “Why, is Sierra working?”
“Yes. Which means I need food. Preferably food I don’t have to fix myself.”
Although he was fairly sure he didn’t want to talk, and that Connor would nag him until he did, he was hungry. Now that he’d talked to Connor about Afghanistan, his buddy obviously thought he’d want to talk more. Wrong. “I’ll meet you there.”
A short time later he walked into Grey’s to find Connor already there at a booth in the corner. The waitress came to take their order as he sat down.
Ryan had seen her before but she was somewhat new and he didn’t know her name. She was pretty, with short, blond hair and a bit of an attitude. She also looked quite young, but maybe he was just feeling old.
“What will you have?”
“What’s the special?” Connor asked.
“Chicken fried steak.”
“Sounds good,” Ryan said. They both ordered the special and a couple of beers.
“I’ll be right back with your drinks.”
“Thanks, Hermione,” Connor said.
After she left Ryan asked, “Hermione? Is that really her name?”
“I have no idea, but it’s the name she goes by.”
Ryan just shook his head.
“It’s not the baby, is it?” Connor asked.
“No. Sophie is fine.”
“Then it must be Aria. Come on, spill it.”
“I don’t know when you got all touchy-feely.” Part of him wanted to talk to Connor but he really wished he could get drunk and forget all about what Aria had said.
Hermione came back with their beers. “Food will be ready shortly.”
“Well?” Connor said as she left.
Ryan glared at his friend. He didn’t feel like talking but maybe Connor could help him. Probably not, but still. “I thought Aria and I were getting closer. I thought she was starting to trust me.”
Connor took a drink before he said, “I take it she’s not.”
“No. Basically she wants me for to be a father to Sophie. Which is fine since that’s what I want too.”
“So what’s the problem? If that’s what you want too?”
“That’s not all I want. I want Aria. I want the baby. I want to be a family.”
Connor raised his eyebrows. “What about your habit of never staying long in one place?”
Hermione brought their food and they both ate some before Ryan spoke again. “It’s not exactly a habit. Moving around, that is.”
“You’ve sure done enough of it.”
“And you know why.” He had to admit talking to Connor and telling him the truth about Casey and how Ryan had felt about her had helped him.
Especially since Connor said he’d done the right thing and that he had no reason to think what he’d said to Casey had anything to do with her death.
As for not being able to save her, he’d done the best he could but her injuries had been too severe.
He’d known that all along, but Connor had helped him accept it.
He would always regret how things had turned out, regret that he hadn’t been able to save Casey, but he’d been a surgeon long enough to know he couldn’t save everyone.
People died. Especially in a war. That was a fact.
However, that didn’t mean he wanted to spill his guts all the time.
“I want to change. I want to stay here. Which I told her.” He still didn’t think he deserved Aria and Sophie. But Sophie did deserve to have a mother and a father.
“How’s that going for you?”
He snorted. “She doesn’t believe it. She asked me to come over and have dinner. We put the baby to bed and for once she didn’t kick me out right after that. I thought she might finally want to get back together. Which is what I wanted from the first.”
“Uh-oh.”
“Yeah. That wasn’t it.”
“Well, what does she want? Other than for you to be a father to Sophie?”
“She wants a casual relationship. We can have sex, but she doesn’t want it to be more than that.”
Connor’s eyebrows winged up. “Whoa. I take it that’s not what you want.”
“Hell, no, it’s not what I want.” It might be what he deserved but it sure wasn’t what he wanted.
“Because you’re in love with her.”
“No shit.”
Connor appeared to be fighting a grin. It made Ryan want to punch him.
“You haven’t gotten laid, have you? Not since you left Denver.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no, I haven’t.”
“So you really are in love with Aria. And it doesn’t look like you’re going to get laid again anytime soon.”
“Man, you’re great at stating the obvious today.”
“Hey, don’t bitch at me because you screwed up.”
Ryan finished his dinner and shoved his plate away from him. Then he drained his beer and slapped the glass down on the table. “I’ve done everything I can think of to convince her I want to be a father to Sophie. And that I want to be with her. I want us to be a family.”
“Have you? Done everything to convince her you want her, not just the baby?”
He had to think about that. Maybe he hadn’t done enough to convince her. “I can’t figure out if she doesn’t trust me or that even if she did trust me she’d take me back.”
“Sorry man. It sounds like—”
“I’m screwed.”
“Yeah. I gotta admit, it doesn’t sound good.”
But what if he took her up on her offer?
Maybe he could make her fall in love with him again.
Because if she hadn’t been in love with him before, why the hell had she been so bent out of shape when he left?
Why was she still angry with him? She could deny it all she wanted but she’d been in love with him once.
It wasn’t impossible that she’d fall for him again.
It was worth a try. The worst that could happen is he could at least have sex again. It wasn’t like he could fall in love with her more than he already was. So what the hell?
*
Aria didn’t hear from Ryan for the next two days. She wasn’t surprised. He was either working or still pissed at her. Or both.
That was a brilliant idea, Aria. Telling him you only wanted him for sex. You shouldn’t be surprised he wouldn’t buy into it.
His loss, she decided. Let him go find some bimbo to have sex with. She was done thinking about him except as Sophie’s dad. Most of the time she was too tired to think about sex anyway.
But was that what she really wanted? For Ryan to find some other woman to make love to? Another woman to be close to Sophie? Another woman to love him?
No, damn it.
Her phone rang. She checked the caller ID. Ryan. “Hello.”
“Hey, it’s me. Can I come see Sophie this afternoon? I can bring takeout if you want.”
So they were going to pretend nothing had happened. Fine with her. “All right. Come over about five and you can play with her a little. Then you can feed her, bathe her, and put her to bed. Are you up for that?”
“Absolutely. I’ll see you later.”
The greenhouse was nearing completion. While Ryan took care of Sophie, she could go over her finances, think about the tables, planters, soil and other what-nots she’d need.
She’d brought her tools and plants along with her, but she’d undoubtedly need more tools.
And obviously, more plants. Once she had an idea of what of those items she needed to buy and the estimated cost, she could research the plants she wanted to order.
Since that was one of her favorite things to do, she’d been looking since she first decided to start a nursery.
But now she needed to whittle down her list to what she truly needed at first. She couldn’t afford everything she wanted.
Ryan, always punctual unless he had a medical emergency, showed up at five in the afternoon on the dot. He wore blue jeans, a T-shirt, and a navy windbreaker he took off when he stepped inside.
Damn, he was a surgeon. He wore a short-sleeved T-shirt that was tight around his biceps, and showed off a flat stomach.
What was he doing with muscles to drool over?
She bet he had at least a six-pack under there.
Maybe he lifted weights in his spare time.
Come to think of it, she knew he’d gone to the gym in Denver, not to mention he’d always run.
“Sophie is on her baby gym mat on the floor in the den.”
“Okay. I brought her a toy. It’s a stuffed animal. A lamb.”
Sophie didn’t need more toys, but he looked so pleased with himself as he showed the little animal to her that she didn’t have the heart to tell him that. “I’m sure she’ll love it. Go on in. I’ve got work to do for the greenhouse.”
“I saw it when I got here. It looks like it’s finished.”
“No, but it’s getting close.”
He left the room and soon after she heard him talking to Sophie and Sophie laughing. She’d only recently begun to laugh, and it gave Aria a happy feeling whenever she heard it.
Ryan was a good father. She’d worried at first. Not because he was a bad person. But he’d been a bachelor accustomed to moving around for a long time. Would he stick this time? If he didn’t—that was the reason she couldn’t allow herself to fall for him again.
Oh, like you don’t have feelings for him now?
Of course I do. I love him because he’s the father of my child. But I’m not in love with him.
Keep telling yourself that, girl. You might even start to believe it.
*
“When did you move the crib? I thought you were going to call me to help?” Ryan came out of the baby’s room after putting Sophie to bed.
“A couple of days ago. I’m so attuned to every little sound she makes I don’t sleep very well. But since I moved her, I can actually sleep. And I still hear her if she cries. Especially with the baby monitor.”
“Doesn’t that do the same thing having her in your room does?”
“I can turn down the monitor to where I only hear her crying.”
“I have a monitor at my place.” Not that she’d let him have the baby over there by himself. Yet.
He wasn’t sure what he was about to do was the right thing, but he had to try something.
It had been a long time coming but he’d realized once he saw Aria again that he was still in love with her.
She didn’t believe him, though, and he couldn’t blame her.
He’d never told her—hell, he’d never admitted even to himself—that he loved her.
Not to mention, she was convinced he’d leave her again, like he’d done before.
Like he’d done everywhere he’d been since he left the army.
He’d just have to convince her he was serious. And sincere. “Can we sit down and talk?”
“Okay.” She let him lead her to the couch. He sat beside her.
“I’ve been thinking about what you suggested the other day.” She looked confused so he added, “You know, about us having a casual, no-strings relationship. I changed my mind. I’m saying yes.”
“You’re kidding. You acted like I’d insulted you horribly. In fact, you said I did. Like you’d never heard of such a thing.”
“You have to admit the way you put it was insulting.”
“I didn’t mean to insult you. I was being honest.”
Honest. Right. “At any rate, I’m saying yes.”
Her eyebrows drew together. “Why did you change your mind?”
He took her hand and smiled at her. “I had several reasons. The main one is I’m in love with you.”
She goggled at him. “What?”
“You heard me.” He shrugged. “I decided I’d take you any way I could get you. So if you don’t want to be involved and just want sex, then that’s what we’ll do. Well, you will. I’m in love with you, though, so it will mean something to me.”
She stared at him for a solid minute. “You’re crazy. If you think having sex with me will make me change my mind about us, you’re totally wrong.”
“I think it can’t hurt.”
She tried to tug away her hand, but he held on. “I’ll just have to find a way to prove to you I’m sincere. I want you, me, and the baby to be a family. Together.”
“Ryan, I’ve already told you—”
He waved a hand. “I know. It’s just sex. No strings. You don’t trust me, so I’ll have to find a way to convince you I mean it when I say I love you.”
“It’s not only a matter of trust. What if we have a real relationship and then things go wrong and we break up? What if we hate each other? Where does that leave Sophie?”
“Do you really think that if we did break up, we’d hate each other? So much that it would interfere with co-parenting Sophie?”
“Maybe not, but it’s a big risk to take.”
“Not if we’re honest with each other. If either one of us wants out we tell the other one. Then we go back to being Sophie’s parents. Separately.”
Someone knocked on her door. “Who could that be?” She glanced at her phone. “Oh, I guess it’s not that late. I just usually collapse after I get Sophie to sleep.”